Acheleus

Today I am 98 days sober and I met with my sponsor after a meeting. I am going to another meeting tonight and I feel like I have this deep desire to go out and destroy my sobriety, but I am afraid I might not come back into recovery if I drink again. A woman in my program is a part of my life and I feel frustrated because I don't know how she feels, I think I am in love, but I don't trust her. So...I have this urge to go out and drink so she will leave, or just I have this craving to hurt everything good in my life. I'm not used to feeling good, healthy, fit, happy...So why? Why do I have this urge to just destroy all the good work I have done? I'm seeing my counselor this coming week and I think this woman in AA is making me feel uncomfortable because I don't know how to feel. Nothing makes sense to me. '

So I am trying to make it through this weekend. I'm trying, and I can take it minute by minute. I hope everyone out there is having a good night.

yeahgr8

Have you started working the steps with your sponsor yet? Your situation and thought process sounds very familiar to me. The reason you want to drink to destroy everything is the reason you drank in the first place, we couldn't handle life especially emotions. If your sponsor has not worked the steps find one who has and begin the work quickly.

Dee74

I think you can change Ach - I did after all.
It will probably take more than 98 days tho - but congratulations on that nonetheless.
I think you have your answer right there - I wasnt used to feeling good either. I didn't feel I deserved things. My despair was horrible but it was familiar. I knew it wouldn't surprise me. Not being in despair scared me.

You have to have faith that this is the right way to live and we do deserve it.
It will be ok Ach

As for drinking to try and make someone else do something (leave, stay, love me whatever) - thats just silly alcoholic logic. It doesn't stand up to scrutiny.

People aren't pieces on a chessboard.

Those thoughts are crazy, Ignore them.

D

Acheleus

Thank you. Yes I just don't know why change is so...uncomfortable. I suppose because it is change.

LonelyShadow

They must be troubling thoughts to be having hope you feel better soon, sounds like an urge to be self destructive, it should pass soon. You seem like a thoughtful and very self reflective person, it would be a shame to destroy that!

Stay strong friend

jakec

I have felt this same way too many times to count.

My simple answer for that question is because we're alcoholics. This disease wants us dead.

Just tell yourself, "I'm not going to drink for the next 20 minutes" and if you don't feel better in the next 20 minutes, do it again. Eventually you WILL feel better. This too shall pass, ALL feelings do eventually pass.

I wish you the best.

Jake.

PurpleKnight

Great Job on 98 Days!!

Ach you really need to put this woman out of your mind, all these what ifs and wondering about whether anything will work out between you guys may end up sabotaging your sobriety.

Focus on being Sober first and keep on track!!

eastky

Heck yes you can change. Not only can you, you have. Read your first sentence. Brush the rest off. Your first sentence is proof of your strength, your courage, and your determination! Congrats on 98 Days!

least

Congrats on 98 days sober! You sound a lot like I used to. I'd sabotage myself because I didn't feel that I was worth happiness.

Anna

Achelus, self-sabotage was my middle name. I couldn't feel comfortable with anything good in my life. I deeply believed I didn't deserve it. It took a long time to convince myself that I did deserve a good life. We all do. It's that simple.

My suggestion is to stay away from this woman, at least for now. Give yourself a little more time in recovery.

sillysuzanfree

I'm in my second year of sobriety and still not ready for a new relationship and there is someone I have my eye on...definitely not something to rush into or do something in order to get a response or reaction from that person. Yesterday on V day drinking sounded really good. I was very frustrated about everything going on and not going with me right now. I didn't do it. Still a little depressed but nothing compared to how I would be feeling if I had gotten drunk.

The first 90 days is the toughest and you've done that! Don't turn back now...

Raider

Congrats on 98 days. wow!!!

Marcher13

Acheleus this part of your post screamed at me as I read your OP. Establishing new love relationships in early recovery is not recommended by any recovery method, they are all actively against it.

Please go back and read your words at the top of my post here, I very much doubt that you love someone you don't trust. Could you be in love with the idea of love and not the person?

I strongly urge you to get free of this relationship, concentrate on your recovery and the final months of your education. You are not a pawn in this, you have 98 days, the world is there for the taking.

eastky

I agree with Marcher15. This relationship would be highly based on Co dependance at this point and would be damaging to both your recoveries. Put it on the back burner and keep learning to love yourself before even attempting to love someone else.

MythOfSisyphus

I am sure you can change, Ach. It will probably be very hard, right up to a point where it becomes easy...if that makes any sense. The addictive voice is very wily, and it knows how to pull your strings.

lisatrying

Congratulations on 98 days that is fantastic.

I am at 6 months and I know that any type of intimate relationship would be really really bad for me right now. I am able to focus 100 percent on me, and that's what I need to be doing.

Adding all the complicated emotions that always go with any relationship would definitely be sabotaging to my peace of mind and sobriety.

Please tell this person you need to just be friends who see each other at meetings for the foreseeable future.

You can't feel safe with anyone you don't trust fully. And you need to feel as safe as you are able to now. And remember passion and romance are fleeting, but being the best you that you can be is forever.