Unhappy with husband's addiction
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 93
Unhappy with husband's addiction
I've been reading everything on this site for a week or so now, and I finally have hit a point that I have to put my story out there and ask for support.
My husband and I have a wonderful almost 2 year old son, and I am 21 weeks pregnant with most likely a little girl. Our marriage has gone completely downhill. I honestly have no idea how I managed to get pregnant, as our sex life has been pretty much nonexistent for more months than I've kept track of.
He has a huge pill problem. He has always done them, but it has gotten out of control on the financial level. He has a 4 year old legal issue that seems like it will never be resolved, but the lawyers (who decided they want thousands more dollars) seem to believe in Mar & Aug it will be dealt with. This is causing him more stress than it should be.
He also developed a weird skin thing, follicleitis? in his beard in the past couple months that led to a huge drop in his self esteem, as well as hours in the bathroom.
He doesn't ever come to bed at a normal time. It's either a few hours before he has to get up for work, or he crashes super early. He is working 40+ hours at work-he spends a lot of time on side projects that don't seem like they should take as long as he spends on them.
A lot of this has led to huge fights, and him being mad at me for not realizing he has a problem. My argument back has been he is free to communicate with me any problems he has, and I am more than happy to help him get the help he needs, doctors appts and whatnot. Any suggestions I make are ignored.
I tried to give him healthy options to deal with stress to make it easier to not turn to the pills so heavily. What I got back is that I need to keep the house clean. Now, I am doing all the work with our son. I also work full time-it is for my parents, I am able to bring kiddo to work with me, so I believe he does not value it in anyway. Except for the paycheck (I get paid better than he does). While I did not appreciate his suggestion that he wouldn't be so stressed if I cleaned, I kept my mouth shut and started to keep the house clean. He has acknowledged the clean house one time in the 2 weeks since the suggestion was made.
The more I write the more I feel like this marriage has become such a waste of my life. But I've read so many other peoples stories, and I know it's not near as bad as what it could be. He does not keep me involved in what's going on, but he does not lie when I ask him. He does not abuse me or our son. He is not on meth or crack or anything that seems like it would ruin his life a lot faster than the pills. He seems to genuinely realize he needs to be off them for our lives to get better.
But last night, we get in a fight that all started because he felt guilty that he had to make a drug run. There is not a dime left in either of our accounts to pay for it, I have bills that would overdraft if they went through during the week. I am ashamed to say that I am ready to be done with this whole situation because of the financial aspect. We make enough money to pay our bills & our debt & still be able to save. But I owe my mom hundreds and we are quickly slipping into a scenario where he is spending more than what our basic bills are. I can't buy groceries right now. I am very motivated to not be in debt, to pay off our house as quickly as possible, and it is just not an option. His dad was an alcoholic that has 3 divorces & 2 bankruptcies under his belt. His mom is on marriage number 3 and although she is adopted as are all her siblings, both of her siblings have had addiction problems. So I believe addiction is genetic & environmental with him.
I went on a tangent. This fight was very manipulative on his part, and he outright told me that I was being the bad guy. This is because he upset me, I went in the kitchen to clean, he came in to say he was leaving for the drug run, I said fine, he asked if I was okay and I said no, burst into tears and went off on how lonely I am, how he is not involved in this pregnancy, that I am incredibly depressed. I knew there was no point in saying anything, but he asked and I can't keep my emotions bottled up forever. And i KNOW this stress I am under is NOT good for OUR child. So he left for his drug run, by the time he came home I had the kiddo bathed & we were tucked into his bed. I told him a week ago that I had been considering moving into my son's room -kiddo has been sleeping in our bed. I do not want to sleep in my bed without him in between us. -So when he realized I was following through, he attacked that and then asked me why kiddo was even sleeping in there. He is almost 2 for the love of god. Now, since we've been together for about 4 years, and those early years were heavier drug usage years (we both smoked a lot of weed, I've never had any interest in the pills, we did some other drugs recreationally but not excessively.) I recognize the manipulative side of him & it doesn't work anymore. Which just pisses him off further.
I'm going to try to bring this to a close. I do not want our marriage to fail. I want 4 kids total, and if we split up I will NOT find anyone else. I will not raise our kids as he was raised, 4 kids & 3 dads & a permanent stepdad who made his life hell. I WILL ALWAYS put my kids first. However, I will NOT stay in a marriage that is just stupid to stay in. He is taking his week vacation not this coming Monday, but next Monday in order to quit cold turkey. I know he is capable of this because he has done it before. However, I don't know how we are going to make it through next week, and I am very apprehensive about being at home with him & our son for a week as he withdrawals. He is going to be miserable and awful to be around. I did confess his drug problem to my mom 2 days ago because I couldn't keep it in anymore. Due to my job, and my in general anti social nature, I do not have one single person in my life that I can spend time with that is not family, which is causing some of my depression. Meaning, not one single friend. I may have done a lot of damage by telling my mom, as she is more than willing to take him & lock him in a barn for a month before she lets him ruin her grandchildrens lives. There we go with another tangent. I also do not want to be a person who has to go to NA meetings for the rest of her life. His dad does, and he has stayed sober for years, and good for him. I can not make my mind quit saying "PICK ME & YOUR KIDS OR YOUR PILLS and if you want us, then ******* QUIT THEM ALREADY AND BE MY HUSBAND AGAIN." He left work early because he says he is sick. He has been asleep since prob 4, I had to get a ride home from my mom (we have 2 cars but his broke down and he won't realize that I need one, he expects me to mooch off my family for rides to work every day, so he has taken mine. he does have the much longer commute) He is currently sleeping on the couch, our son climbed onto him & has stayed there watching cartoons. He is so happy to see his daddy and it breaks my heart. Here we are, Valentine's Day, which I really don't care about, but, still, I'm on here writing this novel alone, while he is asleep. If it weren't almost bedtime, I would consider taking the car and going back to my moms so that I'm not so alone. I might still do it.
My husband and I have a wonderful almost 2 year old son, and I am 21 weeks pregnant with most likely a little girl. Our marriage has gone completely downhill. I honestly have no idea how I managed to get pregnant, as our sex life has been pretty much nonexistent for more months than I've kept track of.
He has a huge pill problem. He has always done them, but it has gotten out of control on the financial level. He has a 4 year old legal issue that seems like it will never be resolved, but the lawyers (who decided they want thousands more dollars) seem to believe in Mar & Aug it will be dealt with. This is causing him more stress than it should be.
He also developed a weird skin thing, follicleitis? in his beard in the past couple months that led to a huge drop in his self esteem, as well as hours in the bathroom.
He doesn't ever come to bed at a normal time. It's either a few hours before he has to get up for work, or he crashes super early. He is working 40+ hours at work-he spends a lot of time on side projects that don't seem like they should take as long as he spends on them.
A lot of this has led to huge fights, and him being mad at me for not realizing he has a problem. My argument back has been he is free to communicate with me any problems he has, and I am more than happy to help him get the help he needs, doctors appts and whatnot. Any suggestions I make are ignored.
I tried to give him healthy options to deal with stress to make it easier to not turn to the pills so heavily. What I got back is that I need to keep the house clean. Now, I am doing all the work with our son. I also work full time-it is for my parents, I am able to bring kiddo to work with me, so I believe he does not value it in anyway. Except for the paycheck (I get paid better than he does). While I did not appreciate his suggestion that he wouldn't be so stressed if I cleaned, I kept my mouth shut and started to keep the house clean. He has acknowledged the clean house one time in the 2 weeks since the suggestion was made.
The more I write the more I feel like this marriage has become such a waste of my life. But I've read so many other peoples stories, and I know it's not near as bad as what it could be. He does not keep me involved in what's going on, but he does not lie when I ask him. He does not abuse me or our son. He is not on meth or crack or anything that seems like it would ruin his life a lot faster than the pills. He seems to genuinely realize he needs to be off them for our lives to get better.
But last night, we get in a fight that all started because he felt guilty that he had to make a drug run. There is not a dime left in either of our accounts to pay for it, I have bills that would overdraft if they went through during the week. I am ashamed to say that I am ready to be done with this whole situation because of the financial aspect. We make enough money to pay our bills & our debt & still be able to save. But I owe my mom hundreds and we are quickly slipping into a scenario where he is spending more than what our basic bills are. I can't buy groceries right now. I am very motivated to not be in debt, to pay off our house as quickly as possible, and it is just not an option. His dad was an alcoholic that has 3 divorces & 2 bankruptcies under his belt. His mom is on marriage number 3 and although she is adopted as are all her siblings, both of her siblings have had addiction problems. So I believe addiction is genetic & environmental with him.
I went on a tangent. This fight was very manipulative on his part, and he outright told me that I was being the bad guy. This is because he upset me, I went in the kitchen to clean, he came in to say he was leaving for the drug run, I said fine, he asked if I was okay and I said no, burst into tears and went off on how lonely I am, how he is not involved in this pregnancy, that I am incredibly depressed. I knew there was no point in saying anything, but he asked and I can't keep my emotions bottled up forever. And i KNOW this stress I am under is NOT good for OUR child. So he left for his drug run, by the time he came home I had the kiddo bathed & we were tucked into his bed. I told him a week ago that I had been considering moving into my son's room -kiddo has been sleeping in our bed. I do not want to sleep in my bed without him in between us. -So when he realized I was following through, he attacked that and then asked me why kiddo was even sleeping in there. He is almost 2 for the love of god. Now, since we've been together for about 4 years, and those early years were heavier drug usage years (we both smoked a lot of weed, I've never had any interest in the pills, we did some other drugs recreationally but not excessively.) I recognize the manipulative side of him & it doesn't work anymore. Which just pisses him off further.
I'm going to try to bring this to a close. I do not want our marriage to fail. I want 4 kids total, and if we split up I will NOT find anyone else. I will not raise our kids as he was raised, 4 kids & 3 dads & a permanent stepdad who made his life hell. I WILL ALWAYS put my kids first. However, I will NOT stay in a marriage that is just stupid to stay in. He is taking his week vacation not this coming Monday, but next Monday in order to quit cold turkey. I know he is capable of this because he has done it before. However, I don't know how we are going to make it through next week, and I am very apprehensive about being at home with him & our son for a week as he withdrawals. He is going to be miserable and awful to be around. I did confess his drug problem to my mom 2 days ago because I couldn't keep it in anymore. Due to my job, and my in general anti social nature, I do not have one single person in my life that I can spend time with that is not family, which is causing some of my depression. Meaning, not one single friend. I may have done a lot of damage by telling my mom, as she is more than willing to take him & lock him in a barn for a month before she lets him ruin her grandchildrens lives. There we go with another tangent. I also do not want to be a person who has to go to NA meetings for the rest of her life. His dad does, and he has stayed sober for years, and good for him. I can not make my mind quit saying "PICK ME & YOUR KIDS OR YOUR PILLS and if you want us, then ******* QUIT THEM ALREADY AND BE MY HUSBAND AGAIN." He left work early because he says he is sick. He has been asleep since prob 4, I had to get a ride home from my mom (we have 2 cars but his broke down and he won't realize that I need one, he expects me to mooch off my family for rides to work every day, so he has taken mine. he does have the much longer commute) He is currently sleeping on the couch, our son climbed onto him & has stayed there watching cartoons. He is so happy to see his daddy and it breaks my heart. Here we are, Valentine's Day, which I really don't care about, but, still, I'm on here writing this novel alone, while he is asleep. If it weren't almost bedtime, I would consider taking the car and going back to my moms so that I'm not so alone. I might still do it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 4,966
Hi sad! Welcome to the forum although I'm so sorry for what has brought you here. A lot of what you wrote reminds me of my life about one year ago. Especially the part about zipping through the money and ending up in debt when if not for the pills we had plenty for bills and then some in savings. It's a very sad and stressful life to say the least. We were like you, worried about putting food on the table and mooching off of family. The difference is that I was the addict in the family.
The sleeping habits of hubby were pretty much like mine as well. I was up all night when I had plenty of pills on hand....in bed sick from withdrawal when I didn't.
You said something that caught my eye about your husband's addiction only being pills....not crack or meth. Trust me a pill addiction can and does bring an addict and his/her family down just as fast as any other substance. That's a fact....it's a very expensive addiction which often leads to heroin. (heroin being cheaper but even more deadly)
I brought my family down with me too...financially....until my husband realized he needed to open his own bank account to deposit his check into. Until you are ready to make a major change, could you do this from now on....keep your money separate? Another thing my hubby did was take my keys away..he said there is no way you are driving my kids around in the car high! I know it probably isn't practical for you to do that, but he really has no right to your car...not fair to you...but I think you know that. I hate to advise someone to leave their spouse because I feel like it's your decision to make....but I can't stand thinking about how all this is hurting you and effecting your kids.
Oh btw, the complaints about your keeping up on the house more is blame-shifting...I very common manipulative technique addicts commonly use to switch the blame onto their spouse or family member. It takes the focus off of them and puts it on you. That way you will leave them alone so they can continue using. I used that too as well as gas-lighting. You are probably the victim of that one too. I used to steal money out of hubbies pants or account or pawn household items and pretend he lost them or someone else must have stolen them. Sometimes I even went so far as to look for the item in question. If you have any valuables such as jewelry or electronics, (anything at all that has some value is at risk) now is the time to remove them from your home. Your husband is out of money, those are the next to go. Perhaps you can store them at your mom's house.
Whatever you decide to do, you will find support here and others who have been through or are going through the same thing as you.
Hugs!
The sleeping habits of hubby were pretty much like mine as well. I was up all night when I had plenty of pills on hand....in bed sick from withdrawal when I didn't.
You said something that caught my eye about your husband's addiction only being pills....not crack or meth. Trust me a pill addiction can and does bring an addict and his/her family down just as fast as any other substance. That's a fact....it's a very expensive addiction which often leads to heroin. (heroin being cheaper but even more deadly)
I brought my family down with me too...financially....until my husband realized he needed to open his own bank account to deposit his check into. Until you are ready to make a major change, could you do this from now on....keep your money separate? Another thing my hubby did was take my keys away..he said there is no way you are driving my kids around in the car high! I know it probably isn't practical for you to do that, but he really has no right to your car...not fair to you...but I think you know that. I hate to advise someone to leave their spouse because I feel like it's your decision to make....but I can't stand thinking about how all this is hurting you and effecting your kids.
Oh btw, the complaints about your keeping up on the house more is blame-shifting...I very common manipulative technique addicts commonly use to switch the blame onto their spouse or family member. It takes the focus off of them and puts it on you. That way you will leave them alone so they can continue using. I used that too as well as gas-lighting. You are probably the victim of that one too. I used to steal money out of hubbies pants or account or pawn household items and pretend he lost them or someone else must have stolen them. Sometimes I even went so far as to look for the item in question. If you have any valuables such as jewelry or electronics, (anything at all that has some value is at risk) now is the time to remove them from your home. Your husband is out of money, those are the next to go. Perhaps you can store them at your mom's house.
Whatever you decide to do, you will find support here and others who have been through or are going through the same thing as you.
Hugs!
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Hi and welcome to Sr.
I, too, believed my husband only had a "pill problem." When in fact, he was already a full blown addict. I had no idea how progressive drug addiction was. I thought I could give him ultimatums to stop. I was very wrong. The financial devastation was/is almost too surreal to believe.
My husbands brain had literally been changed (rewired) forever. Pills (feeding his addict brain) were his only love and concern. Please learn all you can about addiction because trust me, you are no match for it.
Unless your husband truly wants help, he will lie, manipulate, deflect, blame shift...and get sneakier in hiding it. Most addicts want to keep their families in tact, so they don't have to deal with the consequences. The disease lies to them. I am not that bad, I still have....... Addiction is cunning, baffling and powerful.
A RA once posted....addicts love drugs and use people not use drugs and love people. I have come to the conclusion this is a very true statement. This a life long disease, that can resurface at any time and usually does.
Here is great post from a well educated poster. There are many great threads in the sticky section to begin learning about addiction.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-10-times.html
I, too, believed my husband only had a "pill problem." When in fact, he was already a full blown addict. I had no idea how progressive drug addiction was. I thought I could give him ultimatums to stop. I was very wrong. The financial devastation was/is almost too surreal to believe.
My husbands brain had literally been changed (rewired) forever. Pills (feeding his addict brain) were his only love and concern. Please learn all you can about addiction because trust me, you are no match for it.
Unless your husband truly wants help, he will lie, manipulate, deflect, blame shift...and get sneakier in hiding it. Most addicts want to keep their families in tact, so they don't have to deal with the consequences. The disease lies to them. I am not that bad, I still have....... Addiction is cunning, baffling and powerful.
A RA once posted....addicts love drugs and use people not use drugs and love people. I have come to the conclusion this is a very true statement. This a life long disease, that can resurface at any time and usually does.
Here is great post from a well educated poster. There are many great threads in the sticky section to begin learning about addiction.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-10-times.html
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
I am acquainted with a longtime recovering parent of a longtime recovering drug addict adult son, and she has a very simple phrase which I often use to ground myself:
"It is what it is."
You have imagined the kind of marriage you want, but you described the kind of marriage you have. It is what it is.
Painful, lonely, chaotic, bad for little children, financially disastrous, with no end in sight.
So that is what I would look at hard and long and let go of the fantasies of what it should have been.
Have you seen a counselor? Our thinking becomes distorted....a counselor can help unravel all the twisted threads in the mind.
The intense emotions, as you said, are feeding your unborn child stress chemicals. It is a rough way to begin a life.
I vote for a legal separation with legal protections in place for you and the two children. Otherwise, the most important person in your home is the drug addict.
"It is what it is."
You have imagined the kind of marriage you want, but you described the kind of marriage you have. It is what it is.
Painful, lonely, chaotic, bad for little children, financially disastrous, with no end in sight.
So that is what I would look at hard and long and let go of the fantasies of what it should have been.
Have you seen a counselor? Our thinking becomes distorted....a counselor can help unravel all the twisted threads in the mind.
The intense emotions, as you said, are feeding your unborn child stress chemicals. It is a rough way to begin a life.
I vote for a legal separation with legal protections in place for you and the two children. Otherwise, the most important person in your home is the drug addict.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
I'm sorry for what brings you here; unfortunately I can relate to much of what you have posted. My husband was addicted to pills also. His addiction started from prescribed meds. I was also pregnant with our first child during his addiction so I know those feelings of loneliness and wanting your husband to be there for support, and involved in all the excitement. Our son is now 2 so I can relate to having a little one running around also !
CleaninLI gave you some great suggestions on protective measures. My husband ended up spending a small fortune on his drugs; we both worked and he was always able to contribute his share, but the savings.... I wish we had all that money back to save for our kids college.
I think it's good you told your mom, even though I'm sure it was difficult. I had to laugh about her wanting to lock him in the barn, but it might have some merit. lol My parents wanted to do something similar to my husband...
Sometimes we isolate ourselves even from family when in truth we need their support. Addiction seems to like hiding in the darkness; don't give it that opportunity. I would not hesitate to stay at your moms during his detox if it begins to take a toll on you; not with a pregnancy involved. It sounds like you've been through it before so you know what to expect. Just be safe.
It also sounds like you have knowledge of addiction already, but I would suggest a couple of articles that can help describe the medical aspects and symptoms of addiction. At first I thought the lies, distractions were personal against me, but now I know they were just a symptom of addiction. He really go to the point he felt he needed the drugs to survive like air or water.
I'm also acutely aware of how much pain my husband was in mentally and emotionally during his addiction. The lies, sneaking, going against his beliefs; caused him so much guilt, shame. It was a no win for either of us.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...addiction.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-lies.html
My husband did get treatment when our son was 5 months old. He used rehab based on private therapy; psychotherapy, getting to the root cause, cognitive behavioral techniques to help him after he returned home. He will have 2 years in April! It's been a long journey, but recovery can happen. (CleaninLI is another great example of recovery).
I also used therapy, was taught a method called CRAFT (community reinforcement family training) to provide positive reinforcement during his early recovery, and also to help me focus on self care. There's a book explaining CRAFT called Get Your Lives One Sober, Alternatives to Nagging, Pleading, Threatening; I would recommend also a tool to help encourage treatment.
Relapse can happen; sounds like you have already seen this with your husband. It's something I have accepted, my life is situated so I can provide for my son alone if need be. Its not something I want, but it gives a feeling of safety.
Most important as you've already stated are the little ones. Please take care of yourself and try to keep the stress levels as low as possible. I did separate from my husband for a period of time during his addiction; only because his behavior wasn’t compatible to our marriage at the time. Ive stood by him since his recovery started and have no regrets. If you would ever like to chat, kids or addiction feel free to send me a private message.
CleaninLI gave you some great suggestions on protective measures. My husband ended up spending a small fortune on his drugs; we both worked and he was always able to contribute his share, but the savings.... I wish we had all that money back to save for our kids college.
I think it's good you told your mom, even though I'm sure it was difficult. I had to laugh about her wanting to lock him in the barn, but it might have some merit. lol My parents wanted to do something similar to my husband...
Sometimes we isolate ourselves even from family when in truth we need their support. Addiction seems to like hiding in the darkness; don't give it that opportunity. I would not hesitate to stay at your moms during his detox if it begins to take a toll on you; not with a pregnancy involved. It sounds like you've been through it before so you know what to expect. Just be safe.
It also sounds like you have knowledge of addiction already, but I would suggest a couple of articles that can help describe the medical aspects and symptoms of addiction. At first I thought the lies, distractions were personal against me, but now I know they were just a symptom of addiction. He really go to the point he felt he needed the drugs to survive like air or water.
I'm also acutely aware of how much pain my husband was in mentally and emotionally during his addiction. The lies, sneaking, going against his beliefs; caused him so much guilt, shame. It was a no win for either of us.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...addiction.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-lies.html
My husband did get treatment when our son was 5 months old. He used rehab based on private therapy; psychotherapy, getting to the root cause, cognitive behavioral techniques to help him after he returned home. He will have 2 years in April! It's been a long journey, but recovery can happen. (CleaninLI is another great example of recovery).
I also used therapy, was taught a method called CRAFT (community reinforcement family training) to provide positive reinforcement during his early recovery, and also to help me focus on self care. There's a book explaining CRAFT called Get Your Lives One Sober, Alternatives to Nagging, Pleading, Threatening; I would recommend also a tool to help encourage treatment.
Relapse can happen; sounds like you have already seen this with your husband. It's something I have accepted, my life is situated so I can provide for my son alone if need be. Its not something I want, but it gives a feeling of safety.
Most important as you've already stated are the little ones. Please take care of yourself and try to keep the stress levels as low as possible. I did separate from my husband for a period of time during his addiction; only because his behavior wasn’t compatible to our marriage at the time. Ive stood by him since his recovery started and have no regrets. If you would ever like to chat, kids or addiction feel free to send me a private message.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
He is not on meth or crack or anything that seems like it would ruin his life a lot faster than the pills. He seems to genuinely realize he needs to be off them for our lives to get better.
you sure about that? He also developed a weird skin thing, follicleitis? in his beard in the past couple months that led to a huge drop in his self esteem, as well as hours in the bathroom.
Features
Users of illicit drugs--including methamphetamine, crack, cocaine and other 'uppers--may develop infected skin sores or blisters on the face, neck, trunk or extremities. Their skin may not heal quickly, as they may have poor hygiene and a poor diet, which can contribute to further skin irritation. They may suffer from frequent rashes, dry mouth and itchy skin. If the user has been injecting drugs into his veins, he may suffer from infected track marks.
Causes
Frequent skin rashes, sores and blisters in drug users are the result of a combination of factors. Methamphetamine users may experience an itching sensation similar to that of having bugs crawling on one's skin. As a result, they tend to scratch their skin, creating sores that do not heal easily, due to the frequent scratching. In addition, users of illegal drugs may have poor hygiene when they are under the influence of the drug. Their diet may be affected, as they crave sugar and high carbohydrate foods, when they are under the influence of drugs. The combination of poor diet and poor hygiene may create oily skin that is prone to frequent breakouts. When the user scratches the pimples and blackheads that form, the skin becomes infected and pocked. Users who inject drugs into their veins may contract illnesses from infected needles or may develop irritated, infected marks on the skin from scratching the site of injection.
Read more: Skin Blisters Due to Illegal Drug Use | eHow
you sure about that? He also developed a weird skin thing, follicleitis? in his beard in the past couple months that led to a huge drop in his self esteem, as well as hours in the bathroom.
Features
Users of illicit drugs--including methamphetamine, crack, cocaine and other 'uppers--may develop infected skin sores or blisters on the face, neck, trunk or extremities. Their skin may not heal quickly, as they may have poor hygiene and a poor diet, which can contribute to further skin irritation. They may suffer from frequent rashes, dry mouth and itchy skin. If the user has been injecting drugs into his veins, he may suffer from infected track marks.
Causes
Frequent skin rashes, sores and blisters in drug users are the result of a combination of factors. Methamphetamine users may experience an itching sensation similar to that of having bugs crawling on one's skin. As a result, they tend to scratch their skin, creating sores that do not heal easily, due to the frequent scratching. In addition, users of illegal drugs may have poor hygiene when they are under the influence of the drug. Their diet may be affected, as they crave sugar and high carbohydrate foods, when they are under the influence of drugs. The combination of poor diet and poor hygiene may create oily skin that is prone to frequent breakouts. When the user scratches the pimples and blackheads that form, the skin becomes infected and pocked. Users who inject drugs into their veins may contract illnesses from infected needles or may develop irritated, infected marks on the skin from scratching the site of injection.
Read more: Skin Blisters Due to Illegal Drug Use | eHow
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 93
Thank you for the responses. We do have separate bank accounts, but he'll take my debit card and he's started to take more money out than what I tell him he can have. When I got my last paycheck, I filled the car & bought groceries and I'm going to pay every bill coming due in the next 2-3 weeks so that there is no money left over for him to get ahold of. I need to start keeping some cash on hand so that when he needs to pick up milk, he can do so without having my debit card. I just hate using cash-I want a record of every penny spent.
I've tolerated his addiction for a long time, and it's gotten out of hand in the past couple months. I do have the fear that it is going to change him. We used to have a great friend who became a complete pos that robbed us, and I know it is from the pills he was taking. I hope my husband is willing to save himself before it gets to that point, because he will lose a fantastic life he has a chance to have.
Thank you, allforcnm. At this point, he is still worth standing by. I want that future with 4 kids and a stable home. He never had that as a kid, and I know he wants it too. I just can not bring myself to leave him at this stage, it's not good but it could be a whole lot worse, and he has admitted his addiction and wants it to end. I did mention to him going through a professional detox for a few days next week when he has a week off work to kick this problem, and he isn't opposed. He told me about this guy from AA his dad introduced him to that would have himself admitted to the psych ward to get himself off of heroin. Now, to me, if this were a good solution he wouldn't have needed to do that multiple times. I would prefer to struggle financially to get him professional help so that he can learn to deal with stress & whatever else leads him to the pills. He has back pain, and has struggled with it for years (he is super tall, his sister has a rod in her back from severe scoliosis and his brother has a vertebra that is not normal...why his mom didn't ensure there was nothing wrong with his is beyond me, but he has insurance so we can get his back looked at & fixed if there is a problem) At least with his legal situation, it will force him to stay clean, he is looking at, ideally, 5 years of probation, less ideally, a felony on his record. I want this resolved sooo badly so that he has the legal system to hold him accountable. He spent one night in jail, and he won't put himself in a position to go back. I want that 5 years so that he can learn that he can have a life without the pills. I do see that he does need professional help to make that work, and not be a "5 years and I can do a pain pill once in a while again!" and then watch it spiral.
I will stand by his side to get through this. But I won't do it over and over again. He cleans up now, and stays clean, or he will eventually lose us. But, anyway, your response gave me some hope.
What are obvious signs of heroin use? I sincerely doubt he would be injecting it. I've made it clear through our entire relationship that I will NOT be with him if he does heroin-he's always wanted to try it, which I think is stupid-so now, although he doesn't lie to me about anything else he is doing, he sure as hell would lie about that because he knows what my response to that would be. I have been having nightmares that he is doing it. My only reason to think he is is that his dealers will text him that they have it. He says he ignores those texts. I asked him why he doesn't text them back and tell them he isn't interested in it. I want to believe him, but he isn't stupid, he would delete any responses he makes back to them if he is. I guess I need to write down the dealers numbers & the times they text him and then check the phone records online to see if he is.
I've also thought about getting in touch with one of the dealers gf's on facebook, but if he's thought ahead enough then I'm sure he's told them to not tell me if he is buying it from them.
UGH. We had a fantastic night, and then I just had to ask him about it this morning and now I've got myself mad at him and unable to look at this as clearly as I would like to be. I'm prepared to believe the worst, but I also don't want to automatically believe the worst without any rational reasons to believe he has tried/is doing heroin.
What I really dream about doing is texting the people that offer it and telling them if they continue to offer it, and if he buys it, then he will lose his wife & kids. But I don't actually know them, or if they are decent enough human beings to respect that.
I've tolerated his addiction for a long time, and it's gotten out of hand in the past couple months. I do have the fear that it is going to change him. We used to have a great friend who became a complete pos that robbed us, and I know it is from the pills he was taking. I hope my husband is willing to save himself before it gets to that point, because he will lose a fantastic life he has a chance to have.
Thank you, allforcnm. At this point, he is still worth standing by. I want that future with 4 kids and a stable home. He never had that as a kid, and I know he wants it too. I just can not bring myself to leave him at this stage, it's not good but it could be a whole lot worse, and he has admitted his addiction and wants it to end. I did mention to him going through a professional detox for a few days next week when he has a week off work to kick this problem, and he isn't opposed. He told me about this guy from AA his dad introduced him to that would have himself admitted to the psych ward to get himself off of heroin. Now, to me, if this were a good solution he wouldn't have needed to do that multiple times. I would prefer to struggle financially to get him professional help so that he can learn to deal with stress & whatever else leads him to the pills. He has back pain, and has struggled with it for years (he is super tall, his sister has a rod in her back from severe scoliosis and his brother has a vertebra that is not normal...why his mom didn't ensure there was nothing wrong with his is beyond me, but he has insurance so we can get his back looked at & fixed if there is a problem) At least with his legal situation, it will force him to stay clean, he is looking at, ideally, 5 years of probation, less ideally, a felony on his record. I want this resolved sooo badly so that he has the legal system to hold him accountable. He spent one night in jail, and he won't put himself in a position to go back. I want that 5 years so that he can learn that he can have a life without the pills. I do see that he does need professional help to make that work, and not be a "5 years and I can do a pain pill once in a while again!" and then watch it spiral.
I will stand by his side to get through this. But I won't do it over and over again. He cleans up now, and stays clean, or he will eventually lose us. But, anyway, your response gave me some hope.
What are obvious signs of heroin use? I sincerely doubt he would be injecting it. I've made it clear through our entire relationship that I will NOT be with him if he does heroin-he's always wanted to try it, which I think is stupid-so now, although he doesn't lie to me about anything else he is doing, he sure as hell would lie about that because he knows what my response to that would be. I have been having nightmares that he is doing it. My only reason to think he is is that his dealers will text him that they have it. He says he ignores those texts. I asked him why he doesn't text them back and tell them he isn't interested in it. I want to believe him, but he isn't stupid, he would delete any responses he makes back to them if he is. I guess I need to write down the dealers numbers & the times they text him and then check the phone records online to see if he is.
I've also thought about getting in touch with one of the dealers gf's on facebook, but if he's thought ahead enough then I'm sure he's told them to not tell me if he is buying it from them.
UGH. We had a fantastic night, and then I just had to ask him about it this morning and now I've got myself mad at him and unable to look at this as clearly as I would like to be. I'm prepared to believe the worst, but I also don't want to automatically believe the worst without any rational reasons to believe he has tried/is doing heroin.
What I really dream about doing is texting the people that offer it and telling them if they continue to offer it, and if he buys it, then he will lose his wife & kids. But I don't actually know them, or if they are decent enough human beings to respect that.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
do not contact dealers. period. ever. you really need to take the blinders off here, dealers don't listen to wives who say if he uses he'll lose us. THEY DON'T CARE. besides, they aren't YOUR dealers, they are his. contacting him about having dope....pills to heroin is a natural progression....H is cheaper...oxys, other pills get pretty expensive.
why is it that while you say you have dealt with his addiction for YEARS, your line in the sand is heroin? as it is, he TELLS you he's going to get drugs and then COMES BACK HOME and then his little boy is crawling around him, WHILE HE'S HIGH.
his addiction already IS that bad. and having babies isn't fixing it. so far you've stood by him and how is that going? I ask only to bring some reality to the situation. he already has legal woes....5 years of probation is no guarantee he'll stay on the straight and narrow. in most cases it just makes them more sneaky. or stupid. or both.
you keep talking about the life he COULD have. that's the life YOU envision FOR him. he has his own reality, his own visions. he's living his life as HE sees fit......and right now and for a long time that has included drugs.
why is it that while you say you have dealt with his addiction for YEARS, your line in the sand is heroin? as it is, he TELLS you he's going to get drugs and then COMES BACK HOME and then his little boy is crawling around him, WHILE HE'S HIGH.
his addiction already IS that bad. and having babies isn't fixing it. so far you've stood by him and how is that going? I ask only to bring some reality to the situation. he already has legal woes....5 years of probation is no guarantee he'll stay on the straight and narrow. in most cases it just makes them more sneaky. or stupid. or both.
you keep talking about the life he COULD have. that's the life YOU envision FOR him. he has his own reality, his own visions. he's living his life as HE sees fit......and right now and for a long time that has included drugs.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Let's see -
He is already an opiate addict!
Heroin is a cheaper opiate!
Some how got follicleitis!
Spends hours in the bathroom!
Has expressed a desire to use it.
I understand, denial was my drug of choice for a very long time too!!
He is already an opiate addict!
Heroin is a cheaper opiate!
Some how got follicleitis!
Spends hours in the bathroom!
Has expressed a desire to use it.
I understand, denial was my drug of choice for a very long time too!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
So sorry for you and your family....
It's often that we become addicted to our addict by trying to hide our money; keep secrets; negotiate; or attempt to apply logic to their behaviors.
If they want drugs they will get them.
This is a great place to start for support. You may get defensive, at times, (I did) but really I would say the majority of posters are supportive and caring. Most or probably all of us have been in love with an addict. Glad that you are here!!!
I would say begin a plan B for yourself and your children. Start packing away what money you can-in your own savings account. Perhaps lining up a place to stay-family; friends until you can get on your feet. Whatever you need to do to protect yourself.
Read about addiction, here and elsewhere. Read about setting boundaries and codependency. When you love those are all slippery slopes with the addict.
Sometimes detaching takes time....sometimes you are forced to make a quick decision when safety is involved.
Keep coming back!
It's often that we become addicted to our addict by trying to hide our money; keep secrets; negotiate; or attempt to apply logic to their behaviors.
If they want drugs they will get them.
This is a great place to start for support. You may get defensive, at times, (I did) but really I would say the majority of posters are supportive and caring. Most or probably all of us have been in love with an addict. Glad that you are here!!!
I would say begin a plan B for yourself and your children. Start packing away what money you can-in your own savings account. Perhaps lining up a place to stay-family; friends until you can get on your feet. Whatever you need to do to protect yourself.
Read about addiction, here and elsewhere. Read about setting boundaries and codependency. When you love those are all slippery slopes with the addict.
Sometimes detaching takes time....sometimes you are forced to make a quick decision when safety is involved.
Keep coming back!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 4,966
Hi sadwife,
Although its never a good thing to have legal problems, in your husband's case it could be the thing that keeps him clean. Not sure of the reason he's on probation...perhaps you mentioned why in your first post, but if it has to do with drugs they a probably going to mandate him to an IOP. (Intensive outpatient program) I was not in legal trouble but joined one willingly. It did help me alot. Most of the people attending groups were mandated as a part of their probation. I believe you get out what you put into it though....so if he's ready to do something about his addiction it could help him alot. Many go through your insurance...so it may not be too expensive. For those without insurance they have a sliding fee schedule and often times work with you. They would most likely have one that works with the courts and would refer him to one nearby.
The fact that his dealers are texting him to let him know they have heroin is not a very good sign. My dealers never texted me for any type of drug I wasn't using. It's true what anvil said that H is a very common progression. If your hubby admitted to wanting to try it, I assume he already has tried it. I did not progress to heroin because I'm afraid of it....it would've been cheaper though...which is why people turn to it next....when they start having financial difficulties. I'm not an expert on what the signs of heroin use are so I'll let someone else answer that.
Allforcnm has alot of information about talking to your loved one about his addiction and urging him into treatment. There are a lot of recovery programs out there too. She researched rehabs for her own husband and has a pretty good idea of what's available....the different types of programs. Apparently, her hubby has 2 years in recovery....of course there are always possibilities those in long term recovery could relapse, but i think she's prepared to deal with that if and when that time comes. My hubby has a pretty realistic view as well....hopefully we can head it off before one occurs. Perhaps it's a good idea to take her up on her offer to pm her.
I really hope your husband follows through and gets some help for himself...because an oppiate addiction is very hard to break free from without some kind of profession help. (addiction specialist/IOP/meetings such as NA or AA, or the impatient rehab)
Although its never a good thing to have legal problems, in your husband's case it could be the thing that keeps him clean. Not sure of the reason he's on probation...perhaps you mentioned why in your first post, but if it has to do with drugs they a probably going to mandate him to an IOP. (Intensive outpatient program) I was not in legal trouble but joined one willingly. It did help me alot. Most of the people attending groups were mandated as a part of their probation. I believe you get out what you put into it though....so if he's ready to do something about his addiction it could help him alot. Many go through your insurance...so it may not be too expensive. For those without insurance they have a sliding fee schedule and often times work with you. They would most likely have one that works with the courts and would refer him to one nearby.
The fact that his dealers are texting him to let him know they have heroin is not a very good sign. My dealers never texted me for any type of drug I wasn't using. It's true what anvil said that H is a very common progression. If your hubby admitted to wanting to try it, I assume he already has tried it. I did not progress to heroin because I'm afraid of it....it would've been cheaper though...which is why people turn to it next....when they start having financial difficulties. I'm not an expert on what the signs of heroin use are so I'll let someone else answer that.
Allforcnm has alot of information about talking to your loved one about his addiction and urging him into treatment. There are a lot of recovery programs out there too. She researched rehabs for her own husband and has a pretty good idea of what's available....the different types of programs. Apparently, her hubby has 2 years in recovery....of course there are always possibilities those in long term recovery could relapse, but i think she's prepared to deal with that if and when that time comes. My hubby has a pretty realistic view as well....hopefully we can head it off before one occurs. Perhaps it's a good idea to take her up on her offer to pm her.
I really hope your husband follows through and gets some help for himself...because an oppiate addiction is very hard to break free from without some kind of profession help. (addiction specialist/IOP/meetings such as NA or AA, or the impatient rehab)
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I am curious? Do you even know what your husband is doing with the pills. Snorting, chewing, chasing them or injecting them??
There is no such thing as an honest addict. The truth is the first thing to go. It has to for the disease to sustain itself. Oh yeah, my husband would tell me the "truth" but I learned quickly, it was only a small speck of the whole truth.
IMO, his childhood, his pain or whatever excuse we can find is not the reason. He is an addict, doing what addicts do.....until HE wants, NEEDS, to stop......he won't. If love could save them, none of us would be here.
i am not encouraging you to leave or stay, that is only your choice - when or if you are ready, but I would encourage you to seek out a therapist with addiction knowledge for YOU!!
There is no such thing as an honest addict. The truth is the first thing to go. It has to for the disease to sustain itself. Oh yeah, my husband would tell me the "truth" but I learned quickly, it was only a small speck of the whole truth.
IMO, his childhood, his pain or whatever excuse we can find is not the reason. He is an addict, doing what addicts do.....until HE wants, NEEDS, to stop......he won't. If love could save them, none of us would be here.
i am not encouraging you to leave or stay, that is only your choice - when or if you are ready, but I would encourage you to seek out a therapist with addiction knowledge for YOU!!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
I hope he goes forward with the detox. I think it was a great idea to suggest he get medical support to see him through it, especially given the circumstances of the pregnancy. My husband tried to detox on his own a few times, and ended up going back to it. He was able to stop cocaine on his own (the kind you snort nor crack). But the pills eluded him. The idea of heroin is very scary. It seems like getting off that specific opiate is worse than the pills.
A thought crossed my mind about the text from his dealers; I agree they are suspicious. But, it is also possible the dealer is trying to lure him into using heroin knowing it is cheaper than the pills. If he isn’t buying as many pills because he cant afford them, the dealer knows he might get him hooked on heroin and make more in the long run. I don’t know the specific signs of heroin use. Im attaching a link to National Institute of Drug Abuse. This is from the friends and family section. It provides lots of information on Treatment, what to look for, information on evidence based approaches, even has a treatment locator. There is also a section on here where you can read about all the various drugs and their symptoms, as well as information on recovery and relapse in the free online publication of Drugs, the Brain and Behaviors. Patients & Families | National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA)
I had the opportunity to talk to my husbands dealer one time. His only drug using friends and his dealer were co-workers from his office. At one point during his active addiction he moved in with his dealer friend. Anyway, after he went into rehab the dealer friend came by to drop off some of his belongings. He wasn’t at all what I expected. He showed up in his office clothes, with his id badge still hanging on his jacket. He was polite, and looked “normal”. I asked him to please leave my husband alone, to not push drugs on him when he returned to work. Explained how we had an infant son, etc. He told me not to worry about it, no one was going to come chasing after my husband. I didn’t believe him at the time, but it actually turned out to be true. Before my husband went back to work, he actually requested a transfer to another position/location in the company in part so he would not be around those same guys. I don’t think all dealers are like this however. I think some truly make their living off selling; and they would come chasing people down. They may be addicted themselves, or worse IMO they may just be doing it for the money with a clear mind. In the end however, what I learned was its up to my husband to say enough and walk away from them. Also, depending on how many people your husband knows who use.. he could find another dealer very easily if one cut him off.
I think one of the most important things to remember is not all addicts are alike. Symptoms of addiction are similar, but it also depends on the stage of addiction, type of drugs used, whats going on behind the addiction, and their readiness to change. The stages of change are: Pre-contemplation, contemplation, preparation, action, maintenance. So when using a motivational approach (like the CRAFT method I used), “ you start with their level and type of motivation, not yours, and let the paths forward make sense to them.” Your husband being faced with legal issues and probation is both a consequence and a motivator for change. Your reactions to things, discussions with him can also be motivation for change but a lot of it depends how its approached in relation to where he’s at.
I hope he is ready to take action soon. Its obvious he does have a lot to lose if he keeps on his current path.
A thought crossed my mind about the text from his dealers; I agree they are suspicious. But, it is also possible the dealer is trying to lure him into using heroin knowing it is cheaper than the pills. If he isn’t buying as many pills because he cant afford them, the dealer knows he might get him hooked on heroin and make more in the long run. I don’t know the specific signs of heroin use. Im attaching a link to National Institute of Drug Abuse. This is from the friends and family section. It provides lots of information on Treatment, what to look for, information on evidence based approaches, even has a treatment locator. There is also a section on here where you can read about all the various drugs and their symptoms, as well as information on recovery and relapse in the free online publication of Drugs, the Brain and Behaviors. Patients & Families | National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA)
I had the opportunity to talk to my husbands dealer one time. His only drug using friends and his dealer were co-workers from his office. At one point during his active addiction he moved in with his dealer friend. Anyway, after he went into rehab the dealer friend came by to drop off some of his belongings. He wasn’t at all what I expected. He showed up in his office clothes, with his id badge still hanging on his jacket. He was polite, and looked “normal”. I asked him to please leave my husband alone, to not push drugs on him when he returned to work. Explained how we had an infant son, etc. He told me not to worry about it, no one was going to come chasing after my husband. I didn’t believe him at the time, but it actually turned out to be true. Before my husband went back to work, he actually requested a transfer to another position/location in the company in part so he would not be around those same guys. I don’t think all dealers are like this however. I think some truly make their living off selling; and they would come chasing people down. They may be addicted themselves, or worse IMO they may just be doing it for the money with a clear mind. In the end however, what I learned was its up to my husband to say enough and walk away from them. Also, depending on how many people your husband knows who use.. he could find another dealer very easily if one cut him off.
I think one of the most important things to remember is not all addicts are alike. Symptoms of addiction are similar, but it also depends on the stage of addiction, type of drugs used, whats going on behind the addiction, and their readiness to change. The stages of change are: Pre-contemplation, contemplation, preparation, action, maintenance. So when using a motivational approach (like the CRAFT method I used), “ you start with their level and type of motivation, not yours, and let the paths forward make sense to them.” Your husband being faced with legal issues and probation is both a consequence and a motivator for change. Your reactions to things, discussions with him can also be motivation for change but a lot of it depends how its approached in relation to where he’s at.
I hope he is ready to take action soon. Its obvious he does have a lot to lose if he keeps on his current path.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Hope is usually the last thing to go......but hope comes with a very high price. Are you willing to sacrifice you and your kids for hope??
I was so naive and ignorant when I first joined here. I was given great information and advice from other recovery addicts, others spouses, mothers, fathers, siblings but I held out hope like so many others. I hope your story ends very differently then those who speak the truth from a place of unbiased honesty and heart wrenching experiences. This is your life, you get to live it any way you choose but remember.....once you know the truth, the only person you can blame is yourself. JMHO
I was so naive and ignorant when I first joined here. I was given great information and advice from other recovery addicts, others spouses, mothers, fathers, siblings but I held out hope like so many others. I hope your story ends very differently then those who speak the truth from a place of unbiased honesty and heart wrenching experiences. This is your life, you get to live it any way you choose but remember.....once you know the truth, the only person you can blame is yourself. JMHO
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Take the focus off the addict. Put the focus back on yourself. Put the focus on your children.
Your husband will not be talked into recovery. He will not be cajoled, coerced, convinced, begged, loved, threatened, manipulated, persuaded, or analyzed into sobriety.
Addiction is a disease of denial. It is a brain disease which is layered with denial and compulsion and rationalization and grandiosity.
You have a toddler and you are 5 months pregnant. Your husband is draining your family finances, blaming you for the crisis in your marriage (your poor housekeeping--my God!), lying to you at every turn, and putting your children's safety at risk in so many ways.
It is not your responsibility to figure out how to get him clean, who to get him to talk to, or whether or not his brain is in first, second or third gear of drug addiction.
Your job is to set boundaries. Your job is to protect your children from a father who is coming home high on drugs. Your job is to deal with the money going to drugs instead of to a savings account for your family. Your job is to put the focus squarely on yourself and your children.
You are not a part of the picture when it comes to your husband and his love affair with opiates. It is not your problem, not your business. You cannot control it. You cannot cure it. You cannot maneuver it. You are POWERLESS OVER ADDICTION.
Consequences sometimes get addicts clean. But that can take decades. Children of drug addicts grow up in a home where nothing is consistent, dread hangs like shroud, and both mother and father are so removed from any connection with reality that inevitably the children have to parent themselves.
Instead of looking into a counselor for him, find one for you. That is where your solution lies. In facing yourself. Waking up. And taking action which is for the greatest good for the greatest number.
His addiction is his problem. Your confusion, disappointment, abandonment, fear, and denial is yours. Work on you.
This forum is for our recovery. And that means we look at our own dysfunctions, and we clean up our own act.
What the addict does is his business. We do not figure out cures. Because we can't.
Our business is to get ourselves healthy.
We are of no use to an addict. We cannot even think straight when we are living with an addict.
Get yourself well. If you don't, nothing will change.
Your husband will not be talked into recovery. He will not be cajoled, coerced, convinced, begged, loved, threatened, manipulated, persuaded, or analyzed into sobriety.
Addiction is a disease of denial. It is a brain disease which is layered with denial and compulsion and rationalization and grandiosity.
You have a toddler and you are 5 months pregnant. Your husband is draining your family finances, blaming you for the crisis in your marriage (your poor housekeeping--my God!), lying to you at every turn, and putting your children's safety at risk in so many ways.
It is not your responsibility to figure out how to get him clean, who to get him to talk to, or whether or not his brain is in first, second or third gear of drug addiction.
Your job is to set boundaries. Your job is to protect your children from a father who is coming home high on drugs. Your job is to deal with the money going to drugs instead of to a savings account for your family. Your job is to put the focus squarely on yourself and your children.
You are not a part of the picture when it comes to your husband and his love affair with opiates. It is not your problem, not your business. You cannot control it. You cannot cure it. You cannot maneuver it. You are POWERLESS OVER ADDICTION.
Consequences sometimes get addicts clean. But that can take decades. Children of drug addicts grow up in a home where nothing is consistent, dread hangs like shroud, and both mother and father are so removed from any connection with reality that inevitably the children have to parent themselves.
Instead of looking into a counselor for him, find one for you. That is where your solution lies. In facing yourself. Waking up. And taking action which is for the greatest good for the greatest number.
His addiction is his problem. Your confusion, disappointment, abandonment, fear, and denial is yours. Work on you.
This forum is for our recovery. And that means we look at our own dysfunctions, and we clean up our own act.
What the addict does is his business. We do not figure out cures. Because we can't.
Our business is to get ourselves healthy.
We are of no use to an addict. We cannot even think straight when we are living with an addict.
Get yourself well. If you don't, nothing will change.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
We did talk my husband into treatment, so poo poo on the its not possible, or the why would you want to try. Getting him help was the most important thing for our family. In family counseling, they say we’re a team. Each person has a responsibility to themselves first, and then their partner. Our lives intersect and overlap in lots of places and its ok with me.
I haven’t figured out how helping someone deal with addiction is different than family helping someone who has a different kind of medical problem. I ask myself if this was all caused by something other than addiction would I do the things Ive already done? Yes. Would I do the things Im doing now? Yes. That’s all I need to know. Ive also taken the addiction part out of it and looked at the relationship between us, how my life is on a daily basis, and asked myself questions about happiness, contentment, dreams, goals. These types of questions help me explore my feelings and figure out if Im doing things right for me.
This forum is for “our” recovery, and that means its for “whatever helps each one of us as individuals.” as we deal with addiction in our lives. Learning about addiction, how to handle addiction in our families, work with our family members, it can all be part of “our” recovery.
Someone gave me this post after I got slammed by a bunch of “you need to do this” replies in a recent thread to me:
"I learned a lesson, a long time ago, from an old man by the name of Chuck C. He told me that the way to find people in the program who were less sick than I, the people I should listen to and stay close to, was to count their pronouns. He told me that I should listen to them speak (this was in the days before the web) and count how many times they used the pronoun _I_ instead of any other pronoun. If those people said "I felt / learned / did / changed " then those people had a lesson for me to learn. He told me that those people who said "you should...", "he did...", "they need..." were not speaking from their personal experience, but were trying to force me to learn lessons that were not mine to learn."
Its from this post, a sticky on the alcoholic family forum: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...d-pronoun.html
I thought it might be of interest to you when reading replies, I know its helped me. It references the alanon program, and the concept of being sick family members. I don’t use that program or follow that concept, but I will admit I have a lot of confusion, emotions, fears. Whats important is Im working on it in my own way and at my own pace.
I haven’t figured out how helping someone deal with addiction is different than family helping someone who has a different kind of medical problem. I ask myself if this was all caused by something other than addiction would I do the things Ive already done? Yes. Would I do the things Im doing now? Yes. That’s all I need to know. Ive also taken the addiction part out of it and looked at the relationship between us, how my life is on a daily basis, and asked myself questions about happiness, contentment, dreams, goals. These types of questions help me explore my feelings and figure out if Im doing things right for me.
This forum is for “our” recovery, and that means its for “whatever helps each one of us as individuals.” as we deal with addiction in our lives. Learning about addiction, how to handle addiction in our families, work with our family members, it can all be part of “our” recovery.
Someone gave me this post after I got slammed by a bunch of “you need to do this” replies in a recent thread to me:
"I learned a lesson, a long time ago, from an old man by the name of Chuck C. He told me that the way to find people in the program who were less sick than I, the people I should listen to and stay close to, was to count their pronouns. He told me that I should listen to them speak (this was in the days before the web) and count how many times they used the pronoun _I_ instead of any other pronoun. If those people said "I felt / learned / did / changed " then those people had a lesson for me to learn. He told me that those people who said "you should...", "he did...", "they need..." were not speaking from their personal experience, but were trying to force me to learn lessons that were not mine to learn."
Its from this post, a sticky on the alcoholic family forum: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...d-pronoun.html
I thought it might be of interest to you when reading replies, I know its helped me. It references the alanon program, and the concept of being sick family members. I don’t use that program or follow that concept, but I will admit I have a lot of confusion, emotions, fears. Whats important is Im working on it in my own way and at my own pace.
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