Should I say something?
waking down
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 4,641
Should I say something?
Just curious about people's thoughts on this. I'll try to keep the explanation short:
Got a text from a guy I've met once for a weekend. He wanted my blessing to marry my sister. They're both nearing 60. I've been sober almost two months, and my sister doesn't know this yet. I was drinking when I met the guy in November, and I was pretty drunk all weekend, but they were both hammered. They drank four bottles of wine between the two of them in just a few hours, and even though I was drunk, I was concerned at the volume they were drinking, especially given their ages and health issues. Anyway, I have had no information to lead me to believe he's a scary guy, so I texted back and said he obviously didn't need my blessing but as long as he is kind he has my blessing. He said he would take that as a yes, implying he considers himself kind. My guess is he is proposing tonight.
So, I don't think I know the guy well enough to confront him about alcohol, but I know my sister, and she is an alcoholic. I don't think she would respond well to a confrontation about alcoholism, even though years ago she coordinated an effort to get our mom into rehab, and I have heard her say she should drink less (if not quit). Talking about my own sobriety will likely be threatening to her. I'm thinking she was contemplating sobriety, but now has this love interest with a guy who obviously drinks.
If she says yes to the guy, I'm thinking about simply asking if she considers their relationship healthy, in general (she will likely interpret this as having to do with signs of abuse - she's been there before), and then specifically whether she is ever concerned that they over-imbibe too often. Any thoughts?
Got a text from a guy I've met once for a weekend. He wanted my blessing to marry my sister. They're both nearing 60. I've been sober almost two months, and my sister doesn't know this yet. I was drinking when I met the guy in November, and I was pretty drunk all weekend, but they were both hammered. They drank four bottles of wine between the two of them in just a few hours, and even though I was drunk, I was concerned at the volume they were drinking, especially given their ages and health issues. Anyway, I have had no information to lead me to believe he's a scary guy, so I texted back and said he obviously didn't need my blessing but as long as he is kind he has my blessing. He said he would take that as a yes, implying he considers himself kind. My guess is he is proposing tonight.
So, I don't think I know the guy well enough to confront him about alcohol, but I know my sister, and she is an alcoholic. I don't think she would respond well to a confrontation about alcoholism, even though years ago she coordinated an effort to get our mom into rehab, and I have heard her say she should drink less (if not quit). Talking about my own sobriety will likely be threatening to her. I'm thinking she was contemplating sobriety, but now has this love interest with a guy who obviously drinks.
If she says yes to the guy, I'm thinking about simply asking if she considers their relationship healthy, in general (she will likely interpret this as having to do with signs of abuse - she's been there before), and then specifically whether she is ever concerned that they over-imbibe too often. Any thoughts?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,435
I'm the eldest in my family so it's hard for me to put myself in your shoes.
If you want to voice your concern to your sister, and you think it's appropriate, then do that - but I wouldn't do more than that, or expect changes.
Not to put a downer on this, but they'll do whatever they want whether you say something or not, I think, Zero.
D
If you want to voice your concern to your sister, and you think it's appropriate, then do that - but I wouldn't do more than that, or expect changes.
Not to put a downer on this, but they'll do whatever they want whether you say something or not, I think, Zero.
D
waking down
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 4,641
Thanks. That confirms what I've been thinking. I also don't want to put a downer on a happy event (but I don't even know if she will say yes). Unless they plan an immediate elopement, I have time. I can eventually voice my concern, but not expect much from it. She might ask. After her last nightmare of a marriage she told me to warn her if she's ever with a guy I had concerns about. A few years ago I warned her about a guy she was dating and she ignored me. They broke up after he was found naked and thrown into detox on a cocktail of prescribed anti-psychotics and depression medication mixed with cocaine. The truth is there is a good chance he is drinking more than usual because he is with her. For all I know he worries about her drinking. They both have issues with pain, so I worry about opiates, too.
Okay, there's that fight or flight response to imagined futures. Be here now. SERENITY NOW!!!!
Okay, there's that fight or flight response to imagined futures. Be here now. SERENITY NOW!!!!
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
I don't know that there's a bad time to express honest concerns about someone's health and well being, as long as it doesn't become an interrogation or an accusation fest. I don't at all get that from you, so I don't believe that's your concern. Talk to her once, and then move on.
As others have suggested, the cutting edge for you is to manage your expectations. The only people who can decide to cancel or postpone wedding plans are the bride and groom.
When all is said and done, if their marriage does go sideways due to their drinking, you won't need to torture yourself that you could have made a difference had you been open with your concerns. Doing so may temporarily put your sister on the defensive, but it may also heighten her vigilance around potential problems after they're married.
Everyone should have a sister like you.
As others have suggested, the cutting edge for you is to manage your expectations. The only people who can decide to cancel or postpone wedding plans are the bride and groom.
When all is said and done, if their marriage does go sideways due to their drinking, you won't need to torture yourself that you could have made a difference had you been open with your concerns. Doing so may temporarily put your sister on the defensive, but it may also heighten her vigilance around potential problems after they're married.
Everyone should have a sister like you.
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