Can I have a glass of wine with dinner?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 10
Can I have a glass of wine with dinner?
We have been married for 2 1/2 years; and my husband was drunk daily for two years. That being said, he has now entered recovery with treatment due to the fact that he has cirrhosis and will die if he resumes drinking. Before his diagnosis he would never alter his alcohol abuse for me or anyone else. Our lives were dictated by if he was drunk, sick from being drunk, or preparing to get drunk. He is now sober 45 days, in counseling, and going to A.A. He has never told me that I cannot have a glass of wine; but then again never said go ahead. I enjoy a glass and sometimes two glasses of wine (if social) We do not have alcohol now in the house. Do I continue to abstain or am I allowed to have one-at home or out to dinner? Seems that his drinking controlled our life before his recovery and how is recovery is controlling our life. I am going to Alanon and working on my enabling. Am I being a martyr by now not having a glass of wine; which makes me a bit resentful. He then and now still decides when we have sex, if we drink, when we go, etc. Thanks!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Great White North
Posts: 195
If the extent of his condition is that serious, I would abstain from keeping or drinking any liquor in the house. That being said, if you are out with friends or co-workers I think it is very healthy that you should be able to enjoy 1-2 glasses of wine 
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
I personally would not since he's only been sober for such a short span. I'd imagine he's still craving alcohol very frequently and to drink in front of someone in early recovery seems cruel to me, not in a Codie way but in a genuinely compassionate way. I don't think you need to abstain period, just don't indulge around you're recovering husband.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I tend to agree with the above. After he has more solid recovery under his belt maybe discuss this with him.
If I were diabetic I would't want my husband to eat cake in front of me. It is just about respect, not rules.
Hugs
If I were diabetic I would't want my husband to eat cake in front of me. It is just about respect, not rules.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: MO
Posts: 4
I know exactly how you feel. It's a tough situation! I feel a lot of resentment towards my AH because I have missed out on a lot because of his problem. And, up until now, he hasn't seriously done anything about his problem.
I'm not sure what the right answer is to your question, I think only you can answer that. Maybe talk with him also. Good luck!
I'm not sure what the right answer is to your question, I think only you can answer that. Maybe talk with him also. Good luck!
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
Are you going to Alanon and working a recovery program for yourself? My husband is nearing 60 days into his recovery. It's not easy on this end, but it's not easy for what he needs to deal with either. One phrase I picked up is "I will do everything I can to help you get better and I will do nothing to help you stay sick."
It's not so hard to support him in staying well, but I admit the 12 steps of my own program helps immensely!!!
It's not so hard to support him in staying well, but I admit the 12 steps of my own program helps immensely!!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
My RAH kindly told me I could drink in front of him. I limit myself to wine and only have 1 if we are out. His thing was beer, so I never drink that around him or even if he might smell it on me when I get home. I bought some sparkling juices for Thanksgiving, and other toasty holidays.
My wine rack is empty and my wine glasses are dusty! But I am not much of a drinker.
My wine rack is empty and my wine glasses are dusty! But I am not much of a drinker.
Living and Loving Life at Last
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: gods own country
Posts: 12,168
I'm an alcoholic. Today I bought my husband a bottle of wine to have with his meal, and a bottle of brandy as a valentine present. I don't see why he should go without because I do. That said, my AV has been niggling me on and off all night, and when I took my first steps in sobriety he refused point blank to drink around me out of support. Ultimately what matters most is your husbands sobriety, and whilst I can handle being around alcohol a at 11 months, I have friends the same distance who say they just couldn't have it in the house. I guess I understand your resentment, but if you love him and you want to help him, maybe treat yourself to something non alcoholic but a bit expensive for a treat.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I don't think comparing alcoholism to food or diabetes is really a great comparison. My RAH is also diabetic - he eats more sugar than I do. Nice big bolus of insulin and a nice big slice of cake to follow. He doesn't turn into a sloppy, abusive, pain in the ass when he eats cake. He just rubs his tummy content and watches tv.
A better comparison would be to hypothesize that your husband had lung cancer from smoking. If you smoked as well, would you continue to smoke? I doubt it. Only an ******* would do that.
Is this really so much about being able to have a drink every once in a while? Or is is about dealing with resentments of what you have already had to give up, continue to have to give up, and the control issues in your relationship?
You are at the very beginning of a long road. Recovery is not easy, not for the alcoholic and not for the people closest to the alcoholic. Quitting drinking is the easiest part of it IMO, staying sober and working the steps is hard and painful.
There are many threads on here regarding this question. As he nears the end of his step work and has been sober for longer than 5 seconds (aka 2 months) would be the time to discuss consumption of alcohol and/or keeping alcohol in the house. You'll get all kinds of opinions - for some they don't care but I have yet to meet an RA that could tolerate drunkeness. Whatever it takes to keep him sober and to stay away from temptation is the way it will be. At that point you will have to decide whether you are ok with it.
Living with an RA comes with restrictions. I was a drinker when RAH and I moved in together and he had been sober 9 years. I really didn't understand alcoholism. I still wanted to have cocktails every once in a while and he was fine with it. We would go to a bar and he would drink water or coke and I would have a drink or two. Slowly he started drinking N/A beer. About a year and a half in he relapsed. Couldn't believe it after 10 years. In retrospect the bar idea I believe was part of the beginning of it. I bet we didn't go 7 times total. The atmosphere, the everything about it was getting back into old patterns.
Now I barely drink at all. Number one, I don't want to do anything that is a trigger for RAH. I realize his sobriety is his job, but the fact that alcohol is not a part of our lives I think important. Secondly I just don't enjoy it anymore. I will have a drink every great once in a while usually if we are at a social event. He doesn't care, but he would damn well care if I got drunk.
You'll navigate your way through it - takes some time. In the meantime if you want to have a drink perhaps going outside of the house would be a better idea.
A better comparison would be to hypothesize that your husband had lung cancer from smoking. If you smoked as well, would you continue to smoke? I doubt it. Only an ******* would do that.
Is this really so much about being able to have a drink every once in a while? Or is is about dealing with resentments of what you have already had to give up, continue to have to give up, and the control issues in your relationship?
You are at the very beginning of a long road. Recovery is not easy, not for the alcoholic and not for the people closest to the alcoholic. Quitting drinking is the easiest part of it IMO, staying sober and working the steps is hard and painful.
There are many threads on here regarding this question. As he nears the end of his step work and has been sober for longer than 5 seconds (aka 2 months) would be the time to discuss consumption of alcohol and/or keeping alcohol in the house. You'll get all kinds of opinions - for some they don't care but I have yet to meet an RA that could tolerate drunkeness. Whatever it takes to keep him sober and to stay away from temptation is the way it will be. At that point you will have to decide whether you are ok with it.
Living with an RA comes with restrictions. I was a drinker when RAH and I moved in together and he had been sober 9 years. I really didn't understand alcoholism. I still wanted to have cocktails every once in a while and he was fine with it. We would go to a bar and he would drink water or coke and I would have a drink or two. Slowly he started drinking N/A beer. About a year and a half in he relapsed. Couldn't believe it after 10 years. In retrospect the bar idea I believe was part of the beginning of it. I bet we didn't go 7 times total. The atmosphere, the everything about it was getting back into old patterns.
Now I barely drink at all. Number one, I don't want to do anything that is a trigger for RAH. I realize his sobriety is his job, but the fact that alcohol is not a part of our lives I think important. Secondly I just don't enjoy it anymore. I will have a drink every great once in a while usually if we are at a social event. He doesn't care, but he would damn well care if I got drunk.
You'll navigate your way through it - takes some time. In the meantime if you want to have a drink perhaps going outside of the house would be a better idea.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
due to the fact that he has cirrhosis and will die if he resumes drinking.
that is a pretty serious consequence! while you cannot control IF he drinks again or not, choosing to NOT drink around him seems reasonable...considering you are indulging in the very thing that could KILL him. if he WAS a diabetic, or on kidney dialysis, surely you would gladly alter some lifestyle issues to help create a healthy environment?
sounds like you knew he had drinking problem when you got married. this attempt at recovery IS life or death for him. I watched my mom die from liver disease and there is nothing more awful to witness. thing is, she never even tried to quit. in the hospital the dr told her, you drink again, you die. within hours of release back home, she drank again. and it killed her. only not right away......it was long and painful, tragic and irreversible. she never gave recovery a chance.
I guess ask yourself is a glass or two of wine really worth it? are you really missing out on that much?
that is a pretty serious consequence! while you cannot control IF he drinks again or not, choosing to NOT drink around him seems reasonable...considering you are indulging in the very thing that could KILL him. if he WAS a diabetic, or on kidney dialysis, surely you would gladly alter some lifestyle issues to help create a healthy environment?
sounds like you knew he had drinking problem when you got married. this attempt at recovery IS life or death for him. I watched my mom die from liver disease and there is nothing more awful to witness. thing is, she never even tried to quit. in the hospital the dr told her, you drink again, you die. within hours of release back home, she drank again. and it killed her. only not right away......it was long and painful, tragic and irreversible. she never gave recovery a chance.
I guess ask yourself is a glass or two of wine really worth it? are you really missing out on that much?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
Just thought I'd throw out, from a recovered alcoholic's perspective, what the BB has to say regarding this............................:
"...Assuming we are spiritually fit, we can do all sorts of things alcoholics are not supposed to do. People have said we must not go where liquor is served; we must not have it in our homes; we must shun friends who drink; we must avoid moving pictures which show drinking scenes; we must not go into bars; our friends must hide their bottles if we go to their houses; we mustn't think or be reminded about alcohol at all. Our experience shows that this is not necessarily so.
"We meet these conditions every day. An alcoholic who cannot meet them, still has an alcoholic mind; there is something the matter with his spiritual status. His only chance for sobriety would be some place like the Greenland Ice Cap, and even there an Eskimo might turn up with a bottle of scotch and ruin every thing! Ask any woman who has sent her husband to distant places on the theory he would escape the alcohol problem.
"In our belief any scheme of combating alcoholism which proposes to shield the sick man from temptation is doomed to failure. If the alcoholic tries to shield himself he may succeed for a time, but usually winds up with a bigger explosion than ever. We have tried these methods. These attempts to do the impossible have always failed.
"So our rule is not to avoid a place where there is drinking, if we have a legitimate reason for being there. That includes bars, nightclubs, dances, receptions, weddings, even plain ordinary whoopee parties. To a person who has had experience with an alcoholic, this may seem like tempting Providence, but it isn't..."
(o:
NoelleR
"...Assuming we are spiritually fit, we can do all sorts of things alcoholics are not supposed to do. People have said we must not go where liquor is served; we must not have it in our homes; we must shun friends who drink; we must avoid moving pictures which show drinking scenes; we must not go into bars; our friends must hide their bottles if we go to their houses; we mustn't think or be reminded about alcohol at all. Our experience shows that this is not necessarily so.
"We meet these conditions every day. An alcoholic who cannot meet them, still has an alcoholic mind; there is something the matter with his spiritual status. His only chance for sobriety would be some place like the Greenland Ice Cap, and even there an Eskimo might turn up with a bottle of scotch and ruin every thing! Ask any woman who has sent her husband to distant places on the theory he would escape the alcohol problem.
"In our belief any scheme of combating alcoholism which proposes to shield the sick man from temptation is doomed to failure. If the alcoholic tries to shield himself he may succeed for a time, but usually winds up with a bigger explosion than ever. We have tried these methods. These attempts to do the impossible have always failed.
"So our rule is not to avoid a place where there is drinking, if we have a legitimate reason for being there. That includes bars, nightclubs, dances, receptions, weddings, even plain ordinary whoopee parties. To a person who has had experience with an alcoholic, this may seem like tempting Providence, but it isn't..."
(o:
NoelleR
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
Originally Posted by NoelleR 
Just thought I'd throw out, from a recovered alcoholic's perspective, what the BB has to say regarding this............................:
"...Assuming we are spiritually fit...
"...Assuming we are spiritually fit...
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5,439
On the topic of drinking in front of him or having alcohol around: Have you talked to him about it? Asking him how he feels about it may be a good place to start.
That said, even if he says he's ok with it or thinks he's ok with it, having it in the house could increase the chance of him relapsing.
Having heard from a lot of people in early recovery about this, some of us can still stay sober with alcohol in the house and a drinking partner, but it's not fun. Others really struggle because it's hard when they have to quit and then have to watch somebody else drinking.
I can understand how it would be frustrating to not drink because he's the one that needs recovery. Thing is you're married and he could DIE if he picked up a drink. Why not be supportive of his efforts to quit?? A supportive partner can mean the world to a recovering addict or alcoholic.
BUT it really seems like there is more going on here: "He then and now still decides when we have sex, if we drink, when we go, etc."
If he wants to have sex and you don't, do you do it anyway? If you want to have sex and he doesn't, is he a jerk about turning you down? What do you mean about saying he decides when you go?
It seems to me that maybe those things are a bigger deal and whether or not you can drink is just another thing added on that makes you feel like you have no say in what happens in your relationship. I don't see that giving up drinking in support of a partner should be a big deal. But those other things would be a big deal to me and I can certainly see how his recovery affecting whether or not you can drink ON TOP of those other things would get to you.
That said, even if he says he's ok with it or thinks he's ok with it, having it in the house could increase the chance of him relapsing.
Having heard from a lot of people in early recovery about this, some of us can still stay sober with alcohol in the house and a drinking partner, but it's not fun. Others really struggle because it's hard when they have to quit and then have to watch somebody else drinking.
I can understand how it would be frustrating to not drink because he's the one that needs recovery. Thing is you're married and he could DIE if he picked up a drink. Why not be supportive of his efforts to quit?? A supportive partner can mean the world to a recovering addict or alcoholic.
BUT it really seems like there is more going on here: "He then and now still decides when we have sex, if we drink, when we go, etc."
If he wants to have sex and you don't, do you do it anyway? If you want to have sex and he doesn't, is he a jerk about turning you down? What do you mean about saying he decides when you go?
It seems to me that maybe those things are a bigger deal and whether or not you can drink is just another thing added on that makes you feel like you have no say in what happens in your relationship. I don't see that giving up drinking in support of a partner should be a big deal. But those other things would be a big deal to me and I can certainly see how his recovery affecting whether or not you can drink ON TOP of those other things would get to you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 57
I wouldn't do it around him. If he's come this far in his recovery, I wouldn't want to put up any stumbling blocks.
You wouldn't be able to relax and enjoy it around him, anyways! You'd be self-conscious about the fact that you're drinking around him. At least I would be (and I'm guessing you would be too, since you're posing the question).
Go out with some friends, have your wind with them. It will be more relaxed and enjoyable anyways. And you won't have to worry about it. It'd probably be nice to get out of the house anyways
You wouldn't be able to relax and enjoy it around him, anyways! You'd be self-conscious about the fact that you're drinking around him. At least I would be (and I'm guessing you would be too, since you're posing the question).
Go out with some friends, have your wind with them. It will be more relaxed and enjoyable anyways. And you won't have to worry about it. It'd probably be nice to get out of the house anyways
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I do not have alcohol in the home and do not drink alcohol if my husband is w/me. However if I am just going to dinner with friends I see no reason not to enjoy a drink. I am not a drinker so that happens maybe once or twice per year. I would never ever drink in front of him.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 179
Eight months of RAH's sobriety and I do the same as people are saying. No alcohol in the house. I don't drink around my RAH, but if I'm out with friends or family I'll enjoy 1-2 glasses of wine on occasion. I also chose not to drink in settings where everyone else is drinking even if my RAH is not there because I want to set up a life for myself where not drinking feels as normal and comfortable as social drinking used to.
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