clanqc

My husband and I have enabled our 37 yr old daughter for over 3 years now. We have given her over $8,000 for rent, bills, given her car, insurance and gas, provide a cell phone, some days I would clean her house, make her dinners. She has 3 children ... they now live with their dads. She was on Heroin for a while...but mostly oxycodone. My husband continues to give. We were snowed in for 5 days and she was with us. Listening to music. Using everything in our house. I read a book on enabling, he wont. Setting boundaries is what we need to do. So I wrote out a plan. My husband and I had decided on a plan. The plan got thrown out because she is saying *she wants to become a spiritual person*. I say GREAT...now go do it and come back in 30, 60 days and show us what you have done. Any suggestions on how I can get my husband to stop the enabling.

Vale

Welcome to SR, but sorry for the circumstances that led you here.
The 'stickeys' above the regular postings are a treasure trove of information
and very worthy of close study. I highly recommend them!

I hope you find this site as valuable & helpful as I have.Welcome to
SR, clanqc!

LoveMeNow

I don't believe you can change your husband but I do believe you can help educate him....if he is open to learning.

I am going to post some things that helped me understand the disease of addiction. Every one learns at different times and differently speeds so I am glad many were patient with me.

As always, I am sorry for what brings you here.


http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...my-family.html

LoveMeNow

This is a sticky.....that many have found helpful too.


What Addicts Do

My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.

My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.

My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.

And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.

Stop being surprised.

I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
__________________


Have A Great 24
-jon

clanqc

Thanks for your responses. I am looking for couples having these same issues and what they are doing about them and finding success. Thanks

Ann

When my son was living with us (and even when he was not) my husband and I rarely agreed on what we "should" or "should not" do. Most times we just respected each other's opinions, even when they differed. But when it came to money and enabling, I am ashamed to say that I was the main problem in that department and my husband rarely interfered. I think he preferred to let me "handle" it, right or wrong, rather than deal with it himself.

Addiction is a family disease, it's very hard to get everyone on the same page. The best thing we can do is educate ourselves, find our own recovery and live it. The bonus is that others may see our light and follow, just don't expect it but that's how it happened with me.

Hugs

Txhelp

Many times couples don't arrive at the same boundaries at the same time.

With my now adult children...my ex (their father) was a primo enabler and bamm...detached. With me...I set ok boundaries about had difficulties with the little things that ended up being the big things.....giving rides to allowing them to live with me.

We are now pretty much on the same page.

The main thing...with your spouse to have a firm agreement...no matter what. This is a marriage thing....sort of like if you agreed to not buy a luxury car. If he bought one without your agreement/behind your back, it would be disrespectful. That's a marriage thing!

It sounds like you are ready...keep planting the seed. Lay those boundary-setting books in a convenient reading place...a.k.a bathroom! Maybe he will glance at one!