I don't know what to say.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
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I don't know what to say.
My BF is over three months sober and had been doing really well. This week he's down and I can tell he's struggling. He started a new job after not working much for about a year. It's physically challenging and an adjustment. He's hasn't wanted to talk so I've been leaving him to himself. He just texted me: "Freaking out at work. I need meds. I can't do this **** yet all clean and sober. I'm losing it."
I texted back that I'm sorry he's having a rough time and that I love him. I suggested he call his therapist and psychiatrist tomorrow, and try to get together with his sponsor. I don't know what else to say. I'll see him later when I pick him up at work, but I am at a loss. It's not that I don't care but I am not going to get emotionally entangled in his mental issues again. Things are going well with me and I don't want to **** that up. Lately I have been focused more on listening than giving feedback or advice. It's his recovery and he's gotta work it himself.
I can tell he is barely keeping his head above water right now. I know what it's like to be depressed and stressed and wanting to drink to ease that pain. I want to be supportive but I'm not sure how.
I texted back that I'm sorry he's having a rough time and that I love him. I suggested he call his therapist and psychiatrist tomorrow, and try to get together with his sponsor. I don't know what else to say. I'll see him later when I pick him up at work, but I am at a loss. It's not that I don't care but I am not going to get emotionally entangled in his mental issues again. Things are going well with me and I don't want to **** that up. Lately I have been focused more on listening than giving feedback or advice. It's his recovery and he's gotta work it himself.
I can tell he is barely keeping his head above water right now. I know what it's like to be depressed and stressed and wanting to drink to ease that pain. I want to be supportive but I'm not sure how.
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
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Originally Posted by readerbaby71 
Lately I have been focused more on listening than giving feedback or advice. It's his recovery and he's gotta work it himself.
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There is nothing wrong with being there for him, just don't take the load for him. You have your own to worry about, you don't want this to interfere in your sobriety. If at any point you are feeling like it does then best thing to do is take a deep breath, step back from it and regroup.
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Thanks, all. I had a
I think because him working late at night is triggering me and bringing back bad memories of him disappearing and not coming home for days. Also, text is a horrible form of communication. He DID call his sponsor yesterday. He IS working through it. His text was just a vent. Last night he worked with a guy who didn't do anything but stand around and text so it took them much longer to close and he was pissed on top of really having a hard time emotionally.
We talked about it and all is well. I told him the whole situation was triggering me and he understood. He's going to call his sponsor everyday for a while. He made a good point about having to learn how to deal with people again after almost 10 years of heavy drinking. It isn't easy for anyone, let alone someone who has tuned out for that long. Things are actually going really well for both of us right now but some days are going to be rough. That's life.
I am so used to jumping to crisis mode. Just as he's learning to deal with the people and world around him, I am learning to deal with the new dynamic we're trying to form in our relationship.
I am not going to beat myself up. My perception was my perception and even though I tried to look at the reality of the situation my thinking was clouded by assumptions and emotion. Time to learn from it and find a better way so I don't REact so much.
I think because him working late at night is triggering me and bringing back bad memories of him disappearing and not coming home for days. Also, text is a horrible form of communication. He DID call his sponsor yesterday. He IS working through it. His text was just a vent. Last night he worked with a guy who didn't do anything but stand around and text so it took them much longer to close and he was pissed on top of really having a hard time emotionally. We talked about it and all is well. I told him the whole situation was triggering me and he understood. He's going to call his sponsor everyday for a while. He made a good point about having to learn how to deal with people again after almost 10 years of heavy drinking. It isn't easy for anyone, let alone someone who has tuned out for that long. Things are actually going really well for both of us right now but some days are going to be rough. That's life.
I am so used to jumping to crisis mode. Just as he's learning to deal with the people and world around him, I am learning to deal with the new dynamic we're trying to form in our relationship.
I am not going to beat myself up. My perception was my perception and even though I tried to look at the reality of the situation my thinking was clouded by assumptions and emotion. Time to learn from it and find a better way so I don't REact so much.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
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Hey Reader,
I'm glad that things are working their way out. I understand what you said about the trigger of him disappearing. I've gone through that. You handled this well because you thought about what your triggers were and came to a resolution. Don't beat yourself up. We are all learning.
I'm glad that things are working their way out. I understand what you said about the trigger of him disappearing. I've gone through that. You handled this well because you thought about what your triggers were and came to a resolution. Don't beat yourself up. We are all learning.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
good advice and thoughts already shared above, and you sound like you're doing pretty well all things considered....
you're taking the right approach; this is his recovery and there is a dangerous line between supporting and enabling - looks to me like you're doing well staying on the right side of that line.
You might also consider ensuring you're supporting yourself....
appropriate self-time
therapy / counseling for your concerns and the strains of being a 'partner in recovery'
community - such as alanon or other outlets
It can be easy to get stuck in 'crisis' mode or to be so hung up on the journey of someone you love, that you forget to care for yourself....
you're taking the right approach; this is his recovery and there is a dangerous line between supporting and enabling - looks to me like you're doing well staying on the right side of that line.
You might also consider ensuring you're supporting yourself....
appropriate self-time
therapy / counseling for your concerns and the strains of being a 'partner in recovery'
community - such as alanon or other outlets
It can be easy to get stuck in 'crisis' mode or to be so hung up on the journey of someone you love, that you forget to care for yourself....
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