formyboys

XRAH and I have been communicating about finances lately. This is unusual since we rarely talk at all. The discussions we have had led him to send a letter to our S16, which would have been the first real communication between them since we moved about 9 months ago. That part of this was great.

He text me to ask if S16 had received the letter and I told him yes...somehow we got on the topic of his sobriety (He will have 4 years Feb 17th) In the conversation he made a comment about alcohol and pills. I was completely unaware of the pills....I was stunned. I asked how long the pills went on and he said for over a year. This was at the time right before I finally left. after I left we went to counceling a few times but I felt like it was going no where so we stopped. I couldn't put my finger on it but I just felt like we were wasting our time. Then he started his program and got sober and started the affair.
If you remember my story he then blamed me for his drinking and told me he could not be sober and be with me. He has always said he did not leave me for her, although he started the affair, snuck around and then wanted a divorce. He has always blamed me his drinking and everything else...saying that I left him when he needed me most. BUT...now I know that while we were going to counceling he was taking pills and still drinking (after I discovered the affair I wanted to go back to counceling but he said we had tried that and it didn't work..well I guess not since he was high the whole time) When I left he was taking pills and drinking but he says I was a miserable person and he could never make me happy (well I guess not since he was high the whole time)

The alcohol is one thing...but I had no idea he was taking pills...now Im feeling like I never knew him...how could I live with someone for so long that I didn't even know??!! I never thought he was the type to do any kind of drugs...he ended the conversation by telling me that the reason he drank and took the pills was not because of me...which throws a wrench into the whole reason he left me since he has always said it was because of me and not because of this other woman who he is till with by the way. I don't know, this is crazy, it has triggered me I guess and I feel just like I did the day I found out about the whole thing. What if I would have gone back like he wanted me to after he stopped drinking ..he never would have told me about the pills. I felt like something wasn't right and now I know my gut was not wrong.

He has lied and continued to lie about everything...even sober. and then wonders why his son has lost respect for him. I am just at a loss... I hope he continues to keep communication open with our son but every time I talk to him it reminds me I was living with a stranger and just makes mefeel like crap.

FlippedRHalo

I'm sorry... it's like throwing acid on an open wound. I'd say salt, but throwing salt on a wound doesn't quite explain the feeling of such deep betrayal on top of existing betrayal quite well enough. Definitely more like hot, scalding acid.

My ex-husband did the same. They were prescription pills, prescribed to him, but not quite in the amount at which he was popping them like candy.

It seems the hits just never stop coming, even after you've walked away. And then add an affair (been there too) and you wonder how you ever stand up straight and walk again. Remember this though.... all of those lies and all of that dishonesty you were on the receiving end of, she'll be on the receiving end of too, if not already. The thought of my ex-husband eventually being with someone new used to eat at me, but now...ha! I'd just wish her luck, she'd need it. And I'd also tell her to buy herself a great pair of running shoes because she'd need them to keep up with that man and his elaborate lies, deception, lies and deception.

You deserve so much more than that. SOOOO much more!

peaceofpi

I've continually found out more and more about my AXH. To deal with it, I compartmentalize things, as best I can.
He's still drinking in the mornings? Not my problem. Quickly spending all the money he has? Not my problem (anymore). Not working? Not my problem. Did XYZ during our marriage? Not my problem (anymore).
Taking our child to liquor stores? Gaslighting the child? Not taking the child to school? Yes, those are my problems (and thanks, Legislature and judges, for allowing drunks to get 50/50 custody).

CodeJob

Yes when bits of the deception come to light, it does cause a re-evaluation of events. It sounds like he takes a small truth just to wind you up? Addiction appears to get beat down in one form and pop up in another. Alcohol, pills, weed, heroin, porn, sex, gambling, smoking, and even religion. It is all driven from the same inner core though in my opinion.

Say a prayer of thanks that you are moving on. You know YOU were never the cause of his mess. 4 years sober and still full of lies? Does he have a dual diagnosis? It sort of sounds like he is toying with you.

JustAGirl1971

I'm sorry, formyboys. It's hard having our pasts re-written in truth. Sometimes I think it would be easier/less painful to still be living in denial. But, then I see the progress that I'm making, the peace that I'm feeling and I'm glad I'm awake and aware! Even if sometimes it feels like my recovery is moving at a tortoise's pace and I'm slipping backwards more often than I'd like, I'm still moving forward and that's something.

For me, I think the awareness with my STBXAH is not so much with hidden things like your XAH, but more with things I didn't want to see. My AH has never purchased pills illegally... however, he always uses anything in the house. Lortabs, percocet, vicodin, they all disappear. It's crazy to me that I'm still arguing with myself over whether he's an alcoholic or not. That should be confirmation enough. It was the same with left over alcohol from parties, even the things he doesn't normally like (wine coolers, schnapps, etc.) Non-addicts do not use the lortabs from their kid's tonsillectomy or the percocet from their wife's hysterectomy. Insanity.

I like peaceofpi's approach - it's only our problem if it is affecting our children! Otherwise, it's not our problem!! We divorced (or am divorcing in my case) them for a reason. I say leave the past in the past. File it under "more reasons I'm glad he's my X" and let it go. I've been practicing doing that by imagining myself writing it down on a piece of paper and throwing it in a fire. Watch it burn and move on

Hugs to you, formyboys.

MissFixit

He blames you because it is more palatable than taking responsibility. His ego will not allow him to take responsibility for his actions. He might not be drinking now, but he is not "sober" in a recovery type of way. BTW, he lies, so you have no idea if he is no longer drinking anyway.

Do you really think he will say, I am a drunk and I cheated on you because I am selfish and I have no morals. I choose the other woman because she has low expectations, is crazy and doesn't know what a douche I am yet so no bitching to me?

Notice the following:
You made me drink. -- not his fault
I didn't leave you for her. You left me when I needed you. -- not his fault

Nothing is this man's fault. Yeah right.

My question to you is, Why are you talking to him? You had a money talk about your kid, right? End it there. Do not engage. He sucked you back in and you went right back into place as the blame-taker. Don't allow him to dump on you, just don't engage outside of kids. No matter how tempting it might be. He starts it (and he will, you feed his ego) just get off the phone ASAP.

Hugs

FeelingGreat

I've never heard a man say he left his wife for another woman, but in time it always turns out there IS another woman in the wings. They finesse it by saying, well she happens to be there but that's not why I left. Right.
I don't see how your therapy or marriage would have stood a chance with him still lying.
I hope you don't engage with him again as it's not helpful to be going over old ground. If there's anything to be learned, it's that no matter what you tried it couldn't have worked with him living a lie.

Florence

Over time, some hard truths have come to light. Every time instead of being devastated, it's just proof that leaving the marriage was the right thing to do. The lies were so frequent and so deep and layered, there will always be more lies out there I'll probably find out later. Thank god his lies have no direct effect on me anymore.

atalose

That expressin more will be revealed comes to mind after reading your post.

I think when we are in a better/healthier place is when we are able to receive the more will be revealed. You now know you can always trust your gut, no more Codie thinking getting in the way of it.

You are growing and learning that addicts lie and addiction is addiction no matter what substance is being used.

You also know that true recovery doesn't include lies or blame. And just because someone stops putting the substance inside of themselves doesn't mean they are recovering. Most often it just means they are taking a vacation from using and nothing else has changed.

What he did or didn't do back then doesn't change today except you now have more knowledge that makes your decision to leave that much stronger.

We know are loved ones one way and when addiction takes them another way it's hard for us to understand the things they do. They are no longer the people we knew, they don't think or act like the people we knew and loved with the exception of the small times they show that person again when they are manipulating for something they want.

The grieving process takes times and when we learn of these things we can go back and re-read those chapters of our lives over and over sgain or we can let it go, bury it morn it and move on and away from it.

You'll reach a point where nothing you learn about your ex will surprise you any more. The more you discover what addicts

You mentioned your son is 16 how much of all of this does he know from you?

hopeful4

I just want to say I support you and offer you big hugs!

Sweets03

Does he work any 12 step program?

formyboys

Yes I know that at the very least it is not my problem anymore. According to him he is much happier and very proud of his sobriety. He says he is a changed and better man..I have told him hmmmm....you lied you cheated and you have let your son down, doesn't sound like a better man to me but to each his own. that's snarky I know but at the time I had caught him lying to our son about having to work when he actually had plans with this other woman and it set me off.

when he first got sober he was religiously going to AA and a chemical dependancey program, it was actually really great, he was a changed man very involved with our son for the first time and saying how he didn't want to lose his family and how he had put us through so much and was so thankful we were still around for him...enter this other person. AA was out the window although he did graduate from the out pt program. He has since been in no program at all but continues to celebrate his sobriety every year. She is a drinker.

My son knows nothing of the pills. He knows of his dads drinking problem because he lived it and he knows we left because dad needed to get help before we could be together again. He knows of the other woman because I called his dad after hiding it from my son for months, and told him to come and tell him about it himself. He did. and then immediantly started shoving her down his throat. My son didn't like the fact that she drank in front of his dad and his dad stopped spending time with S16 because he wouldn't want to spend it with her also so it kind of fell apart between them (son and dad)

Im realizing now that there were more lies then I ever dreamed of and probably a lot more that I don't know of. Its hard to wrap my head around but I guess I have to. I hate it for all of us..even his dad. He has pretty much ruined his life but continues to believe he is better off for it and is happy. Good for him. I have always loved him and want him to be happy. Just didn't want it at our expense .....

fourmaggie

he is a typicial addict