christinastar10

Hello,

So yesterday I gave into my alcoholic ex fiancé (who is recently sober). He called and wanted to talk and like always, I agreed and brought over our son. He even bought us dinner and it felt nice to all be together again. We were getting along and just hung out like we use to. It felt great!!!
As I was at his house, I noticed he was texting some girl from work. I ask him if he was talking to anyone and he said NO. She I just brushed it off but she kept texting him over and over. Like if she knew I was over. I know this girl and have met her before. So I straight up ask her, if there was something going on between the? She said NO we are just friends. So I let it go.

As were leaving for the night, he wanted to kiss me but didn’t let him. I just walked out and said good night. On my way home, I noticed I left my house keys at his house. So I called him to see if they were on the sofa, he didn’t pick up. When I got to his house he was gone. So I texted him and he called me back. He said he was out with co- workers for a birthday. He told me the location and so I had a feeling that he was seeing this girl. So went down with my friend.

I found out he was out with coworkers but also on a date with that girl who claimed they just friends. They were more than friends, since they hugged good bye and KISSED. It broke my heart! I called him and told him I seen everything but he said that it didn’t mean anything. He doesn’t want a relationship with her. I ask him why kiss her? He said again it didn’t mean anything.

I’m just tired of him always pulling me back in and then spitting me out. I feel soo weak again!

SparkleKitty

So sorry, hon. He will keep reeling you back in as long as you keep grabbing the hook. Maybe try no contact (except for things related to your son) for awhile?

ladyscribbler

So he's your ex and you have a child together. I have a child with my ex, so I understand that "no contact" isn't feasible. What I do is limited contact and only as it relates to our son. Stop letting him toy with you.
If he wants a relationship with his son he should have one. That doesn't mean you have to go along for the visit. You also don't need to get information about him from other sources. If it doesn't involve your son, you don't need to know. If you stop letting yourself get pulled back in, it will severely limit his power to hurt you.

honeypig

Christina, it's time for you to get off the roller coaster. I'm sorry to hear you're suffering, but you definitely have the ability to stop or at least minimize it. This might help you understand some of the reasons you get pulled back in: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tionships.html

If he is your EX, then it's not any of your business who he is seeing, where he is going, what he is doing. You'll do so much better if you concentrate on YOU. Where are YOU going? What are YOU doing?

If you've not been to Alanon, I recommend finding a meeting.

Wishing you strength and clarity.

christinastar10

Thats what I need to work on. He will always want to talk to me about our son then turns into family.

Its hard, I have all my stuff at his house that I need to get out. Plus, I drive his car and he drives mine and he doesnt want to trade back.

Then he tells me that I am upsetting him and to please stop since it wont be good if he gets upset..... REALLY????

Seren

I'm sorry you are hurting, christina...as long as you believe his words instead of watching his actions, I fear you will continue to be hurt.

To me, his actions say:
Immature
Irresponsible
Self-serving
Not husband material

You and your precious baby deserve a loving, respectful, mature adult man--things that your ex-fiance does not seem to be. I hope that you will soon come to believe that you deserve these things--you deserve better treatment.

SparkleKitty

Go and get your things. And insist that you trade your cars back. The sooner you both start acting like exes, the sooner you can start healing. And you deserve to start healing.

CodeJob

ChristinaStar,

You allowed yourself to get pulled back in despite the warning signals going off in your head over the texts. I am sorry your heart is just wrenched - again. But you are not protecting it from further drama. Since this person is the father of your child, you can't go no contact. You need a different approach.

ladyscribbler

Sounds like you have some work to do getting untangled from him. Start small. Get some of your stuff out of his house next time you're there. You don't have to pull up on his lawn with a UHaul or anything, but make a start at least. One small step.
As for the conversations, when my ex tries to talk about other stuff, I just tell him it was nice talking to him and goodbye. Not rude, or anything, but I can control how long we talk and what we talk (or don't) about.

christinastar10

This is exaclty want I need to focus and work on!

christinastar10

Yes I know, I am hurting myself. I just want to get out of this mess I am in. I cant take it anymore.

ladyscribbler

Then pull a Uhaul up on his lawn, load up your stuff, throw him his car keys and say "See ya later forever fool!" Do some donuts on the grass as you're leaving to show him you mean business.
At least until you meet to hand over your kid for a scheduled visitation.

CodeJob

Using anger to fuel bravery is not a bad idea LadyScribbler. The stickler is having resolve when that emotion winds down.

Sungrl

I agree with the others Christina. Untangle your life from his. Tough crap if he doesn't want to trade cars back. Tell him in no uncertain terms you want yours back and when you do that get as much of your stuff into it as you can. You need to do this and break all ties that do not relate to your child. As far as showing up at places where he is, that you were not invited to, just takes away your dignity and makes you look desperate. Don't do that to yourself. You are way better then that.

christinastar10

Your right I didn’t need to go where he was at! But I needed to see it for myself. I need to get out of being in denial and believing that everything was going to work out between us.

It just hurts that we just got in an argument less than 2 weeks ago and now he is seeing someone.

Im finally getting my head out of fantasy land!

Recovering2

He will continue to treat you exactly as you allow him to treat you. He doesn't want to trade cars back?? So what?? It's not solely his decision. Why is he in charge of the decisions that affect your serenity?
The sooner you stand up for yourself, the sooner you will start to heal. I would trade cars today. Go to where he is, and get your keys. Give him his keys. Don't listen to anything he has to say, just get the task done and leave. Check that off your "to do" list. Then make arrangements to get your stuff. Maybe arrange to have someone go with you and get it out. Cut ties.
Tell him you will only discuss things directly related to your child. When he starts to go off topic, end the conversation. End the conversation. Do it often enough, and he'll get the message.
None of this is easy, but it's necessary if you're going to take your life back and find a better future for you and your child. You can do it.

OnawaMiniya

Yes to that whole post, but this ^^^ is excellent advice.

Peace.

christinastar10

So right now he text me and said I just put $100.00 in your account. I ask why? He said so I can pay his house bills. hahahaha

I told him to pay his own bills and since 2 bills are still in my name, I will have them turned off soon.

I refuse to let him to this to me anymore!!!

Katiekate

I think it's probably time to cut contact.

I know it's hard, but in order to move foward you have to leave him behind.

Your child needs to see you have this.

christinastar10

Yes I need to not have contact with him. When I have my son, I will be blocking all calls and texts from him.

After writing what happened to me and reading everyone’s responses, I am starting to see how he is walking all over me. He text me to pay his bills and he really thought I would do it. I feel disgusted with myself for letting him have that control of me.