LoveMeNow

So, last summer I left for a couple of months to stay with family as my husband's addiction progressed. I came home and he got clean with the help of Naltroxone and NA. We were really happy again for a few months, we really were.

He was sane, fun, charming, loving, remorseful, etc. We started to rebuild and I was thrilled. Then one night, he blew up at me. It didn't make sense which should have been my first clue. Within a few days, I knew! He didn't deny it either. He relapsed. Ok, I stayed calm. It happens. He told me he "stumbled" but was getting back up. His sponsor told him to learn from it and move forward.

He didn't. His addiction has him again. Very sad, very unfortunate but.....

I am done FINALLY. This is his problem, not mine, and I refuse to rebuild my life on quicksand again.

It wouldn't matter if he checked into rehab, I don't want this anymore. It's never a matter of if, it's always a matter of when. I guess I feel like I have lost hope of recovery for him and us but that is really between him and God and I will leave it there.

Anyway, why do I feel bad for feeling like this? After all, his brain has a dangerous disease? I feel judgmental and discriminatory, almost like he is defective. I want normalcy. He told me "don't you get it, I am sick and will never be normal." And the sad part is I believe and agree with him.

We had an emotional talk. He is not trying to manipulate me into staying. We both cried and decided it was best to end it. I think he is as relieved as I am. I am pleased to say......I did not shame him or blame him. I am determined to leave with dignity and grace.

Ann

It's been a long journey, LMN, and you gave it your all. There comes a time when we have no more to give. It's not the end of your journey, just this chapter. It's time to heal and process so you can ready yourself for the new beginnings of the next chapter in your book of life.

I think what I hate most about addiction is the hearts it breaks and the families it destroys.

Hugs and prayers out as you continue yourjournery. Always remember, we're walking with you all the way.

LoveMeNow

Thank you (((ANN)))

It's funny because I always pay attention to the join dates of certain posters. I have noticed there seems to be a 2 year average before we finally "get it" and move forward.

cynical one

I'm sorry LMN. I hate to see any marriage break up. However, it's OK to take care of yourself by moving on. No. Guilt. Allowed.

LoveMeNow

Thank you Cynical One. Surprisingly, I don't feel guilty. I don't even feel angry. I guess I have finally accepted....it just is what it is.

I am just bothered by my attitude towards addicts. I certainly have compassion but it is with a sort of a cynical prejudice that I am not comfortable with. Hopefully, time will heal that.

Ann

You said this on another thread, I kept it because it was so wise. It sounds so simple but I know how hard the transition can be.

You are strong and you are wise, you are amazing in your recovery...and yet it will still hurt for a while. Give yourself time alone to process and heal and just keep taking good care of yourself.

Kindeyes

I'm sorry it has come to this point LMN but I certainly understand. Thinking of you as you make this transition.

gentle hugs
ke

LoveMeNow

I wish I could take credit for that but I can't. I read it here a long time ago but I can't remember who to give the credit. I think it was Nytepassion. I saved it because I knew it was a goal I had to reach and I believe I have.

This whole journey has been surreal for me. Sometimes, I am still in shock thst my husband is an addict and my marriage is ending but I truly believd God has given me some peace about it. It wasn't all bad because it gave me the opportunity to learn a lot about myself, grow in so many ways and most importantly.....it allowed my to strengthen my faith.

Ann

Strangely wrapped gifts, they are always there tucked in somewhere. Blessings in disguise.

You made me think, after all I went through year after year, disaster after disaster and what seemed a lifetime of trying to do it all "my" way, in the end it was my faith and my willingness to finally give it all to God that saw me through to the finish line and much better paths ahead. Why are these lessons so hard? From day 1 people told me "Let go and let God"...I have always been a very poor listener and a slow learner.

The important thing is, LMN, that in the end we "get it", and we can finally find a peace we would never have know if it were not for the battles we fought.

You will be okay, you already are.

Hugs

crazycoda

Well done to you and may I wish you the very best with your new life. I wish I could have your courage and move forward too x

hopeful4

I am so sorry, however you are setting yourself free from just what you said, who wants a life built on quicksand??

Tight Hugs.

needingabreak

LMN you are such an eloquent person. You gave it your all and tried your best to give him every opportunity. You can walk away knowing this.
Just because they have a disease I personally do not believe that relinquishes them from any responsibility. You have a disease but you also have the ability to say no and call your sponsor or go to a meeting, ask for help. I think some of them use it as a crutch and excuse. Not trying to be mean or judgmental here but it seems all too often they play that card to get out of trouble.
I wish you the very best in your new life and hope you can now focus on yourself and do what it is you want to do and can enjoy life again free of worry and pain.

BeavsDad

Best wishes for your new life LMN. Go be happy.

KeepinItReal

That's deep LMN. Thanks for sharing.

Sungrl

My heart is with you. I had the same feelings of acceptance. It was just the way it was. My favorite is " you leave when the pain of staying becomes greater then the pain of leaving" I didn't cry when it was finally over, I cried almost daily for the three years I lived with it. I have peace and I wish you the same.

LoveMeNow

Thank you all for your kind words and support. Ugh, I woke up this morning with a lot of self loathing and shame and I am trying to work through it.

I knew the odds but I took the gamble despite it. I made so many poor choices in the name of "love." I didn't protect myself or my best interest. My bottom was so low and now I must face the consequences of my own choices. I don't blame him, I blame myself.

I just need to hold on tightly to my faith and know that God will always help me through this and He has something better planned for me.

Vale

LMN you are strong.
You will persevere.

interrupted

This is really powerful.

LMN, you're in my thoughts and prayers, everyone here knows how hard this has been, I'm glad you're coming to peace with the reality of the situation and your decision. Nobody can save him but himself.

Ilovemysonjj

Hugs LMN. I found for me: When I finally surrender, it becomes so clear. God has you in his sights and you will be okay. I admire your courage. Good and wonderful things happen when we finally see the path in front of us.
Hugs,
Teresa

hopeful4

Stop looking back and look forward. You have done everything you can and have nothing to self loathe. Please see that you are setting yourself free!