christinastar10

Hello,

I read so much about heart ache on here. Has anyone experience letting go of an addict and both sides working on their own recovery. One day be reunited and start developing a healthy relationship?

AnvilheadII

it IS rare, but there are stories of that nature. i'm not sure I would plan my life expecting that to happen tho.....when people really get in to recovery, they CHANGE....they GROW....and often the constraints of the past are not somewhere they wish to go. there is suddenly too much NOW and too much future to be held back.

Hopeworks

It's hard to shake an alcoholic.

Just kidding.

I was with my XA for 4 long miserable years. He was a chronic relapser. He relapsed one time too many and his life was in danger. From me. He split and went on a 2 year binge across the country drinking and trying to kill himself or others with complete stupidity.

He got sober and is in authentic spiritual recovery and is coming on 6 months.

And yes I am talking to him but I know that any day or time he could drink and it will all be unraveled and a complete and utter mess. I will be a mess and on here crying again about how stupid I was....and it is stupid actually. I know that.

Now in my defense he is 2500 miles away and I won't see him in the flesh until he hits one year clean and sober. He has to pay for our date to an exotic country (Tahiti is on my mind).

I told him he is not relationship material he is strictly an affair kind of guy. He is OK with that for now and my terms but he will want more... they always do. But I love him awful ... don't recommend it at all actually.

But I am semi retired and am over men for the most part... except him darn it. So I figure what the heck... free trip to Tahiti and if he drinks I slip out with my credit cards and leave him there on the beach. And then change my cell phone number again... sigh.

It's a crap shoot... and the odds are less than 5%... heck I didn't think he would make a month much less 6 months!

So it can happen... but the odds are like getting hit by lightning 5 times in your living room on the same day...

iwanthappiness

I have a close friend who's marriage survived addiction. They separated for about a year, both worked on their programs and have been together, free of addiction/co-de for almost 10 years now!

I think the key is STAYING in the program, which both of them have done (but what do I know). However, I agree, it is rare.

Hopeworks

Completely agree. Both my RXA and I are working strong programs ... but honestly... I don't want to live together or even live in the same state anymore!

I do keep fantasizing about an affair however... note to self: talk to therapist about this.

FlippedRHalo

I'm sure it happens, but it's probably rare. That doesn't stop me from wishing beyond hope that my alcoholic ex would come to his senses, want straighten out and come back begging for another chance (well, a 9th or 10th chance, but you get the idea) though. I keep telling myself that it isn't going to happen because, well, it just won't, but that's all I have right now. My little fantasy that he'll come back, straight, and want to work it all out.

Guess I'm going to have to give that fantasy up one of these days, even though it seems I've already had to give up so much.

I don't know if that helped at all, but I think about the same thing. It all just hurts too much sometimes.

HealingWillCome

Yes, I let go, and yes, he came back working like crazy on his recovery. For a long time, it was amazing...because we were both working our programs. Then the relapse happened for him (first the pot and then the alcohol), and I watched it deteriorate quickly. It was heart-breaking.

It can and does happen--lifetime recovery for both partners--but...

at the end of the day, if you find yourselves reunited and both in recovery, you have to decide if you're willing to accept the lifetime possibility of relapse. Addiction doesn't go away. Ever. It can be arrested, but not erased. It's a lot to think about.

choublak

I think it also depends on how many problems the person has besides the alcoholism.

CodeJob

I found a blog online where the couple made it. I have been slowly reading it. I will post the link here since there is no selling or benefit. Hopefully that is OK. He truly embraced the steps and became deeply involved in Al Anon.

I'm just F.I.N.E.-- Recovery in Al-Anon

Stung

Personally, I think it depends on who you're asking. In my husband's AA group the regulars are mostly men who are still married to their wives who stuck it out with them through alcoholism and recovery and they're married still. So if you ask my husband, he thinks that lots of couples can make it though alcoholism if the alcoholic partner really works a program and if the other partner can work through their own issues too. The relapse part of it is a big scary question mark that will always loom above though. One of the members in his group relapsed a few weeks ago after 8 years of sobriety and he hasn't returned back to his home group yet. Scary stuff.

Seren

Hello christina,

I'm sorry for the pain you are in right now...it really will not last forever, even though I know it feels that way at the moment.

This, I think, is really what you need to consider:
If you are both working strong programs of recovery (whatever that looks like) can you live with the possibility of relapse, perhaps multiple relapses?