kkallday21

So I recently decided to end my relationship this past weekend… I was scared to even begin this relationship last summer, because I knew of his prior addiction and jumped in anyways.. He had just gotten out of jail after doing 11 years due to his addiction… He was one of my best guy friends growing up and me being the co-dependent queen like I am, we kept in touch over the entire course while he was away and we remained very close.. Weeks before I knew he was getting released I had a lot of confusion and thoughts on whether or not I should start a relationship with this man.. I already had a long and drawn out relationship with my son’s father, did I really want to take the risk of history repeating itself?? Even though I was confused, I jumped right in.. He moved in as soon as he left the halfway house and everything was going great.. I honestly thought this was meant to be.. What a love story!... He would drink casually more and more, then went to thinking he could handle pot, then next thing I know a few weeks before Christmas he’s smoking crack… All of this happened between September – December… My life got crazy- fast!! History was definitely at my door and I was scared to death… After about 2 weeks, he realized he had messed up and decided to get clean.. Worked a program for about 2 weeks and as far as I know has been clean, yet still has all the “isms” The “isms” and neediness of me and my attention where getting too much for me.. My mind was going crazy, I felt exhausted, trying to please everyone and yet I wasn’t pleased  So after him giving attitude this past Friday because I was visiting my grandmom and he was bored out of his mind, I decided I gotta stop this and NOW! I haven’t heard from him since until today… This is where I need the help… He is asking that we talk for closure… This is where I usually cave and start feeling bad, etc…. I’m not sure what to do?? Although there has been some guilt these past couple days, I honestly have like a weight has been lifted and now he contacted me and all these crazy emotions and feelings appeared.. Please help me stay strong … It’s making it really difficult because he is clean and trying, but I just don’t want this unhealthy relationship anymore.. With him or anyone  Thanks in advance, I’m grateful I found this site.

rcutch

I understand all of the emotions that you are feeling. Please remember that an addicts "need to talk" is usually a need to manipulate. In my opinion, say nothing, find a friend to keep you busy and engaged, or go to a meeting. You are strong, and have the ability to do this!

AnvilheadII

just cuz HE wants to talk, doesn't mean YOU have to. now or EVER.

closure is highly overrated. WE get closure when we say THE END. you knew you needed to get out for your own sanity....THAT is closure. your decision. your life.

Ann

I agree, you are happy the way things are, don't mess with that. Tell him to find his own closure, you have found yours already. Don't get drawn in, there is nothing good in there.

Hugs

SoberLeigh

You "felt like a weight had been lifted" because it had been. "Hearing from him" has brought back all of the negativity. Your mind and heart are already giving you all the information you need which proves that you are strong and healthy without him. Shutting the door was the correct decision; keep it closed and locked. Best of everything to you.

faith260

Be strong and remember the serenity you want in your life. You have a chance to make a better life for yourself and to leave behind the roller coaster ride. Keep your own focus and continue to take care of yourself. I think you have heard his 'pretty' words before... I know I have repeatedly in the past. You can do this. If there is the possibility that his words will make you vulnerable, then don't put yourself in that position. Let more time pass....

zoso77

I'm highlighting this part for a reason.

Right now, at this very, very moment, you have an opportunity to take your own inventory. To get honest with yourself. To identify not only where you may have made a mistake, but why you chose the path you did. In AA, they refer to it as "another f**king opportunity for growth". So when I read what I highlighted, I see red flags and hear alarms. I wonder if you did, too, but opted to ignore them.

Emotional pain sucks. But it's only pain. It won't kill you. You'll get through this rough patch. The real work is when you start examining your own actions. Are you ready for that?

ZoSo

kkallday21

Thank you everyone!!! Your words really really hit home.. Thanks for reminding me I have a choice and I need to do what is best for me.. I need to be reminded of that often... Saying when an addict needs to talk really means he wants to manipulate is so true!!! I made a meeting, called my sponsor, reached out to you wonderful people, prayed and guess what. ... I didn't call Thank you, Thank you and Thank you xo

kkallday21

Zoso- I definitely seen all the flags and just went along.. I'm definitely ready to put in the work.. It wasn't till this time around I realized how sick I still am and Alanon is something I need for life not just when my relationships go sour.. For the first time I'm focusing and working on building a loving relationship with myself.. Thank you again xo