Impact Letter
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: danbury
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Impact Letter
Our son has been in a treatment center for substance abuse since Jan 6, 2014...we will be making a Family Visit which includes attending group sessions. We are required to write an impact letter to him which we will have to read at the group session. I am looking for suggestions on what to include in this letter and what to say that will leave him with his mouth hanging open...realizing how much this has hurt me - I know coming from "the mom" it makes a bigger impact - because when your mom loses faith in you...you know it is time to get real. Any suggestions or letters you have written as a guide will be much appreciated.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
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I agree with Paper Dolls. I also attended family week when my daughter went to rehab but opted out of the impact statement. I did that because I had already said and done it a thousand times before.
I will say though, that us loved ones were encouraged to use "I" statements. For instance, "when you did ____, I felt _____."
The truth is usually bad enough without elaborating.
I think it's great you're going to family week, by the way. The things I learned there have stayed with me and I remember every bit of it. The gems I came away with turned MY life around, and towards a much better place. I still practice what I was taught and my recovering daughter and I have a beautiful relationship, better than it ever was before addiction.
I will say though, that us loved ones were encouraged to use "I" statements. For instance, "when you did ____, I felt _____."
The truth is usually bad enough without elaborating.
I think it's great you're going to family week, by the way. The things I learned there have stayed with me and I remember every bit of it. The gems I came away with turned MY life around, and towards a much better place. I still practice what I was taught and my recovering daughter and I have a beautiful relationship, better than it ever was before addiction.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
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Posts: 693
wow. an 'impact letter'. my first impulse here was i would need to pray and have my hp guide me on this one for sure. otherwise i think my list of resentments would dominate. only you know the intimate details of your situation and only you know your son (the one deep inside, behind his disease) and what he may need to hear.
besides praying that my words would come from a healthy, loving place i think i would then address the impact his addiction has had on my spiritual, emotional and physical well being.
some of my list would be: being fearful in my own home, sleeplessness, having to experience the dark side of life w/ dealers, police, etc., losing trust not only in him but in myself and others - i have never done this but these came to me off the top of my head. and ya know, i think i may do an 'impact letter' as a healing exercise! not to give to him, for myself. then
i'll burn it and let it all go!
it's wonderful you have this opportunity and that you are approaching it so thoughtfully. i wish you and your son all the best.
be honest with yourself as you do this, more for your own healing than how he will be 'impacted' by it. that is something we cannot know…..
sending good thoughts your way!
besides praying that my words would come from a healthy, loving place i think i would then address the impact his addiction has had on my spiritual, emotional and physical well being.
some of my list would be: being fearful in my own home, sleeplessness, having to experience the dark side of life w/ dealers, police, etc., losing trust not only in him but in myself and others - i have never done this but these came to me off the top of my head. and ya know, i think i may do an 'impact letter' as a healing exercise! not to give to him, for myself. then
i'll burn it and let it all go!
it's wonderful you have this opportunity and that you are approaching it so thoughtfully. i wish you and your son all the best.
be honest with yourself as you do this, more for your own healing than how he will be 'impacted' by it. that is something we cannot know…..
sending good thoughts your way!
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Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
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Originally Posted by PaperDolls 
I think just saying what's on your heart is best.
Don't write it with the intent of "making him realize" ..... write it to help heal your heart.
Good luck to you and your family!
Don't write it with the intent of "making him realize" ..... write it to help heal your heart.
Good luck to you and your family!
Good luck.
Hugs
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: WA
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I guess I look at this differently. I have a feeling our loved ones KNOW how much it's hurt us - how can they not? They are intelligent and with-it. If they once loved you, they still do, and most, outside the addiction, would have never done the things they did that broke our hearts.
Personally, I would gauge it by the person. If they are thick-skinned and can take some come-to-Jesus message and anger from mom, then maybe. But for a super-sensitive, tender-hearted soul, it just might be too much.
Put yourself in their place, first. Would it make you repent and feel sorry, or shameful, guilty, and hopelessly unable to make things right? Only you know your child...
Might make YOU feel better, but will it make their healing that much harder?
Personally, I would gauge it by the person. If they are thick-skinned and can take some come-to-Jesus message and anger from mom, then maybe. But for a super-sensitive, tender-hearted soul, it just might be too much.
Put yourself in their place, first. Would it make you repent and feel sorry, or shameful, guilty, and hopelessly unable to make things right? Only you know your child...
Might make YOU feel better, but will it make their healing that much harder?
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Join Date: Feb 2014
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BeavsDad
Thank you for your message and sharing with me. I hope you don't mind if I use a few snipets - I will obviously put it into my own words. I hope your son took the fight path.
God bless
God bless
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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I also had a family weekend with my son while in rehab and we learned SO MUCH that weekend. We did not have to write an impact letter, however, we had a group session where they gave us 3 statements and we had to fill in the blanks. There were rules to this. Use "I" statements, no angry words but you could say how their addiction affected you but in statement terms not from a place of anger ie" YOU did this and how could you do this to me? Or, you are killing this family!"
I agree with Youwillbe that they already know how much they have hurt us and yes it hurts them to hear it. I would imagine the last thing you want to do is embarrass him and scold him. I think Lovenjoy has a great idea to really pray and think carefully of what you want to say and let it come from love and your heart. I wish you and your family the best!
I agree with Youwillbe that they already know how much they have hurt us and yes it hurts them to hear it. I would imagine the last thing you want to do is embarrass him and scold him. I think Lovenjoy has a great idea to really pray and think carefully of what you want to say and let it come from love and your heart. I wish you and your family the best!
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IMO, Now is not the time for the jaw-dropper…well not his anyway. He’s already IN treatment. If I were to participate, I would stick to a tone of “you have a serious medical condition, I encourage you to continue with the treatment you are now receiving and any follow-up care recommended, I fully support your recovery, I believe in you, I love you”.
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Originally Posted by needingabreak
I also had a family weekend with my son while in rehab and we learned SO MUCH that weekend. We did not have to write an impact letter, however, we had a group session where they gave us 3 statements and we had to fill in the blanks. There were rules to this. Use "I" statements, no angry words but you could say how their addiction affected you but in statement terms not from a place of anger ie" YOU did this and how could you do this to me? Or, you are killing this family!"
I agree with Youwillbe that they already know how much they have hurt us and yes it hurts them to hear it. I would imagine the last thing you want to do is embarrass him and scold him. I think Lovenjoy has a great idea to really pray and think carefully of what you want to say and let it come from love and your heart. I wish you and your family the best!
I agree with Youwillbe that they already know how much they have hurt us and yes it hurts them to hear it. I would imagine the last thing you want to do is embarrass him and scold him. I think Lovenjoy has a great idea to really pray and think carefully of what you want to say and let it come from love and your heart. I wish you and your family the best!
I understand that "I" and the "YOU" concepts - it's the disease that made him do all the things he did - and I try to reference that with each category that I am writing about.
I hope your son is on the right path...
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Somewhere out there
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Sadly, we think he is stumbling and will not seek any help. He thinks he can handle it on his own which means to me he does not want to do the work. My husband and I have done all we can. Now it is up to him. We will not help him anymore as he has learned the tools and knows what to do. It is very very hard watching your child make poor choices. I pray everyday. It's the best thing I can do-Let go and let God.
I hope things work out well for you and your son.
I hope things work out well for you and your son.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 97
I wrote one of these for my husband while in rehab a few months ago. Respectfully, I disagree with YouWillBe's statement, "they already know how much they have hurt us". I think that globally, they probably know they HAVE hurt us (some of their shame comes from that), but the purpose of the letter is really to let them see their addiction thru another person's eyes. My husband said he found it pretty impactful, and that one of the rationale's he used in continuing his addiction as long as he did was "I'm only hurting myself"-he really didn't know all the levels of how his addiction hurt us, and how far back it had begun. My opening paragraph was as follows:
"Dear X,
I am writing this letter to you with love and support. I was asked to share some specific examples of how your addiction has caused me pain, what has worried me, and what my hopes for the future are. I hope this will help me to process and heal, and you to see and understand your addiction through the eyes of someone who loves you."
I included several specific examples of times I was socially embarrased by him in front of friends, family, colleagues/other important people. I also included some examples of impacts of his drinking on our kids-being too hard on them/yelling, role modelng a poor example of always having a beer can in his hand, driving after smoking, etc. and examples of how he had hurt me personally-arguments, language, making me feel unsafe with him, etc. along with how some specific actions caused me to feel so let down, betrayed, and how I never thought the man I loved and purported to love me would cause me so much pain.
I ended with my hopes and drerams for the future, how I was willing to support him in his recovery, but being clear about my boundaries for myself, and how I proud I was of him for seeking help. My last line was, "I love you, I’m proud of you, and I believe in you."
I took about 10 days to write my letter, and actually found it to be quite cathartic. I was honest, yet loving, and it was my chance to really communicate, in a way that he can go back and reread if he needs a reminder, of how his illness and behavior impacted me and our kids. I had to do a lot of editing to get it down to less than 3 pages, but I liked the end result-it communicated all the important themes I wanted to convey, illustrated them with specific examples, and ended on a positive note.
Good luck!
"Dear X,
I am writing this letter to you with love and support. I was asked to share some specific examples of how your addiction has caused me pain, what has worried me, and what my hopes for the future are. I hope this will help me to process and heal, and you to see and understand your addiction through the eyes of someone who loves you."
I included several specific examples of times I was socially embarrased by him in front of friends, family, colleagues/other important people. I also included some examples of impacts of his drinking on our kids-being too hard on them/yelling, role modelng a poor example of always having a beer can in his hand, driving after smoking, etc. and examples of how he had hurt me personally-arguments, language, making me feel unsafe with him, etc. along with how some specific actions caused me to feel so let down, betrayed, and how I never thought the man I loved and purported to love me would cause me so much pain.
I ended with my hopes and drerams for the future, how I was willing to support him in his recovery, but being clear about my boundaries for myself, and how I proud I was of him for seeking help. My last line was, "I love you, I’m proud of you, and I believe in you."
I took about 10 days to write my letter, and actually found it to be quite cathartic. I was honest, yet loving, and it was my chance to really communicate, in a way that he can go back and reread if he needs a reminder, of how his illness and behavior impacted me and our kids. I had to do a lot of editing to get it down to less than 3 pages, but I liked the end result-it communicated all the important themes I wanted to convey, illustrated them with specific examples, and ended on a positive note.
Good luck!
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: North US
Posts: 174
I think this might be harmful for addicts who have self-esteem issues. This "impact letter" sounds like a felony grand jury indictment hearing. Most addicts know they have damaged loved ones. Addicts are not stupid. I guess the fact that they continue to use despite hurting loved ones makes addicts selfish.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 28
Impact letters are tricky business. You're probably feeling so many overwhelming and conflicting emotions, and chances are, you've had a lot of emotions that you kept bottled up over the period that your son was using. While it may be tempting to lay everything out there, bear in mind that your son is going through an equally emotional phase in his life right now, and that staying clean is no small feat. We addicts know what we do to our loved ones, the pain and destruction that we cause... we just don't like to admit it to ourselves.
In your letter, I would suggest that you stick to using "I" statements (I felt this way when you stole money from me, I feel hopeful about the future etc.) That way, it focuses directly on how you feel, without causing shame or projecting blame.
I would also use the impact letter to outline your future relationship with your son, and how things will be changing. Now is the time to start creating concrete boundaries with your son, while he is still in treatment, so when he eventually (if he) comes home the new rules aren't a shock to him. Let your son know that you will support his recovery in any way, but you will no longer be there to support his addiction. Then, in turn, do some soul searching. What does "supporting his addiction" mean in terms of your life, your family? Paying for lawyers, bail money, parking & speeding tickets? Paying for gas, food, or cigarettes? Locking up your belongings at night, because you're afraid they will go missing? Reiterate that it's your home, and if he would like to return there, he must follow your rules or suffer the consequences (that you make!).
Don't forget to tell your son that you love him. Addicts sometimes think that the damages we cause are irreparable, and nobody will ever love them again.
I also suggest you read this: A Personal Letter About Drug Addiction | Phoenix House
A beautiful impact letter written by a mom.
In your letter, I would suggest that you stick to using "I" statements (I felt this way when you stole money from me, I feel hopeful about the future etc.) That way, it focuses directly on how you feel, without causing shame or projecting blame.
I would also use the impact letter to outline your future relationship with your son, and how things will be changing. Now is the time to start creating concrete boundaries with your son, while he is still in treatment, so when he eventually (if he) comes home the new rules aren't a shock to him. Let your son know that you will support his recovery in any way, but you will no longer be there to support his addiction. Then, in turn, do some soul searching. What does "supporting his addiction" mean in terms of your life, your family? Paying for lawyers, bail money, parking & speeding tickets? Paying for gas, food, or cigarettes? Locking up your belongings at night, because you're afraid they will go missing? Reiterate that it's your home, and if he would like to return there, he must follow your rules or suffer the consequences (that you make!).
Don't forget to tell your son that you love him. Addicts sometimes think that the damages we cause are irreparable, and nobody will ever love them again.
I also suggest you read this: A Personal Letter About Drug Addiction | Phoenix House
A beautiful impact letter written by a mom.
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