Numb to life

Old 02-12-2014, 06:38 AM
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Numb to life

Hi all,
I haven't been on here for a while & I see that I really need to be. I read some of my earlier, desperate, hurt, angry posts & wonder where all that emtion has gone. I'm exhausted now. I'm numb.
My husband is still an iv meth user & may always be one. He has no desire to give up. He lives part time with his meth mates & comes home for a few nights - only when he has no money & needs a safe house to rest & eat. He is a monster. He doesnt help with the kids. he eats sleeps eats sleeps and argues. thats it! He argues with me over nothing. I don't even bother arguing back anymore but that will get him fired up to. He gets nasty generally on day 3 when he is craving. What's the point.
Why do I let him in you ask? Well often he comes when he knows our 5yr old is awake & home to open the door. Otherwise he will bash the house down (& in) if I don't let him in. I don't believe the police will make it in time when he breaks in and I'm scared so I let him in & put up with it.
I've spoken to the police.
My mom is worried this crazy life has become normal to me. Perhaps it has. I'm desperately trying to find a new job in the same city as my family so me and the children can move. We are so isolated here. It's proving alot harder than expected to find work. In the meantime I'm about to start 3 days a week here whilst I job hunt. I'm desperate for cash. He spends every cent on drugs.
How do I break out of this terrible cycle?? I'm hoping going back to work with normal people will push me back into reality & get some confidence back. Currently, I am just wasting my life.
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Old 02-12-2014, 06:58 AM
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O my, this is alarming to read. I have a question for you. Are you financially dependent on him? Is your home a rental, is he on the lease or is he on the deed? This sounds scary and very upsetting for you and your child. It will only get worse, you deserve much better. Could you go stay with your mom while you look for work elsewhere?

In the mean time, I would say a house alarm would be a good thing for you. It will sound very loudly and will immediately summons the police. I would say you need to have a free consult with an attorney to get an order in place to keep him out of your home and away from your child.

Don't let this become your normal. More importantly, don't let this become your child's normal. You child has to be your #1 responsibility.

Good Luck and God Bless.
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Old 02-12-2014, 07:05 AM
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I can hear your exhaustion through your words...

He is intimidating and making scenes just to maintain whatever control he wants.

Perhaps, like your said, your mom is right. This is your normal.

It sounds like you are ready to make some moves to protect yourself.

I will wait until you answer some of hopefuls questions.
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Old 02-12-2014, 06:28 PM
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Dear Needing, I am so sorry you are dealing with this. it is so sad that you may feel this is your normal. You know you and your child deserve so much better and your husband is using his anger and manipulation to get you to do what he wants (allowing him a place to stay). I hope you are able to find work close to where your family lives. Is there anyone you could stay with till you find work? Anyone to help you at all? You should not have to live your life in fear and your child shouldn't have to either. I pray you find the answers quickly and can get out of this scary situation. Hugs.
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Old 02-12-2014, 08:34 PM
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Yes I'm currently financially dependent on him at the moment. I have not worked in 2yrs since having our youngest child. He has been on workers compensation but those payments have recently stopped. He had gone through soooooo much money but I struggle to put food in the fridge, hence my reason to start work again ASAP. The house is a rental in my name which means I cannot just run away. I have a few close friends here but no family who are 2hr plane ride away. If I run now & borrow money & stay with my mum while I look for a new job I'm giving up financial security for my children. I need a job and I need money. I realise safety is more important than money but paying bills & food is a necessity at the moment so I'm trying to do both.
I have received free legal advice into restraining orders. I have done lots of thinking and I really believe this will aggravate the situation even more. It's only a piece of paper after all & he is not a rational person at the moment. I've heard stories of women calling 911 with AVOs but the police not arriving until the next day. My plan was to find a new job elsewhere & use that as my official reason to leave. Things are really working out that way though.
The alarm is a good idea & I have considered this as well as cameras. Perhaps I am just accepting all this craziness.
He just called me (reverse charges of course as he has no phone or money) saying his car has broken down & can I come get him. I said no I have no gas or money to get gas. He then went crazy "where's my money, he's stuck, I'm selfish, a ****, etc."
Crazy life I'm living! I can't wait to start work & receive my first pay so I at least have some escape money. No doubt he will find out when my pay day is and demand money for drugs. I've already set up a second secret account. I know where the closest women's refugee is & I have an emergency plan with a friend.
I know I sound crazy. I've put up with too much & given him so many chances that now it's just a joke. He is completely irrational & doesn't make sense. He has spent so much time with other addicts that living that life is just normal to him now. There are no longer any boundaries. He either doesn't care if I leave or doesn't think I ever will.
Thks for reading & your support & for making me see that his anger is a way to control & manipulate me. Before he would use guilt but that doesn't work anymore. I guess this works better for him. I'm sure he's quite happy with this arrangement
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Old 02-12-2014, 08:41 PM
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Needingadvice, have you ever considered not picking up the phone when he calls? It could save you a lot of heartache. I hope you find a way to set boundaries with him soon. This sounds to me like a dangerous situation. Everyone deserves to be safe an peaceful in their own home.
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Old 02-12-2014, 08:45 PM
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You do not sound crazy! You are fighting for your life here!
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Old 02-13-2014, 01:08 AM
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Perhaps if you contact that women's shelter they can help you find resources that will help you get legal assistance and perhaps even a release from your rental contract.

You are in a very dangerous situation, please be careful and protect yourself and your child. Going to live with your family until you find work there sounds like a good option if they can take you in and help with your transportation to where they are.

Keeping you in my prayers, this is a sad situation and I am glad you are trying to move forward.

Hugs
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Old 02-13-2014, 03:53 PM
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I echo the above. Dangerous situation. Your loved ones safety is
paramount....there IS no other priority. Involve public safety early,
get a paper trail. Have a history in the computer so when the cops
roll up to your address they know the score.
I understand your reticence to get an RO. And you are right, a piece
of paper cannot stop someone. But that first piece of paper can snowball into
a judge's decree to put someone in prison for many years---backed up with
an armed force that can bring a billion times more firepower to the equation
than any meth addicted person could muster.Western society is intolerant of
this terrorism of women (ESPECIALLY Mothers), and there are special protocols
in place when dealing with them.

But you ARE in danger when in proximity to a meth addict.

You are not crazy. You are in the fight of your life.

Make the best decisions you can, then execute, evaluate, modify tactics
and repeat as necessary.

Society (and all of us) are on YOUR side.

ALWAYS.
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Old 02-14-2014, 04:11 AM
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Many, many thks to you all for your advice & support. Jjj111 he called the other day from a blocked number. Usually I do not answer them but I'm waiting to hear about a job. My heart sank when I heard his voice. Also, if i give attitude on the phone or dont answer he will come here crazy angry saying i must have been with my man. Once ive escaped & we are safe i will be going no contact! I haven't had a chance to reply earlier as his new faviourite trick is to take my cell - likely so I can't call for help. Why do I give it to him you say? He smashes the house up if I don't. I've just cooked, bathed the girls, cleaned up now putting them to bed. He has been on the couch the entire time. I have to bite my tongue. He is angry tonight as his Aunty didn't send him money like she said she would.
I actually put the girls in the car today to drive to the police station for some kind of advice. He told me when angry that he would kill me if i ever called the police. He must've sensed something & jumped in the car. We went to the shop & he even got angry with the poor girl at the checkout who made a mistake. Are all meth addicts so angry or just mine?? I'm not sure if he actually believes other people are the ones with the problem. I've heard the way he talks to his addict mates & he doesn't talk to them like he does to me.
I'm dreaming of the day I can feel safe with my children. Ive played this all wrong & its now out of control. pls think twice before you believe empty promises from an addict. my husband promised to get help at least 10times just to get back home for a rest. I wanted to believe it. now he doesnt even ask. He is just an empty shell now only caring about his addiction. Maybe once we're gone i will then feel sad & mourn the loss of this once loving family man.
I will keep you all posted. Stay safe everyone
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Old 02-14-2014, 04:40 AM
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It sounds like you are in a very dangerous situation. I know it is not easy, but you have to think about your child and make that child priority number 1.
Can your mom send you money to leave? How could you even work in this type of environment? Forget the apartment, tell the landlord you need to leave.
My suggestion is LEAVE! A shelter for battered women or a place where he will never find you. He will most likely not change and meth is a spiral to hell and he will take you all down into it, if you allow it. Do this for you and your child.
I speak from experience, I left my abusive spouse when my child was two and I had no family supports or help from friends, so it is possible.
PM me if you like.
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Old 02-14-2014, 04:54 AM
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I am so sorry that you are in this situation, your mind must be working over time. I hope that you find some solace here with people who have experienced some of the things you are going through. Please keep yourself safe as your partner seems very unstable. Can't you move in with your family, just pick up your things and go? I know you are paying rent but you could still pay that further away. It's so hard moving forward and leaving the addict but with your families help I am sure that you could move forward and at least be in a safer place.
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Old 02-14-2014, 04:59 AM
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I feel bad for you and your children that your best thinking with this horrible and unsafe situation is to wait to get a job in the city where your family and support is, which is a 2 our plane ride away.

I'm not understanding the part where you said, if you were to move now to your mums you'd be giving up your children's financial future. What about their emotional future right now?

You say you have an emergency plan, you say you think about going to the police for restraining order, you mentioned getting cameras and a security system for the home. But no where have you mentioned seeking therapy or counseling for yourself you don't even mention seeking help for domestic violence or pursuing things like that for you. It all seems to lie in the future and all around getting some job down the road. What about today?

Looking at it from way over here, I'd have my a** along with my children on the next plane to my loving and supportive family then worrie about a job.

I'm not judging you, I understand being paralyzed with fear and doing the best you can with what you got. But often the best we got is unhealthy thinking and solutions which lie way down the road based on ifs and when's, that keep us stuck in very unhealthy situations.
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Old 02-14-2014, 07:21 AM
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You can purchase a stun gun on Amazon for $10 including shipping. You can add pepper spray for a total of $14 total. Wasp spray also acts the same as pepper spray.

I undersand you said you give up financial freedom if you go to your moms. What do you have now? Craziness is all this is. I cannot even imagine how it has to and will affect your children. Your life is in danger, I truly mean that. You need to go file a restraining order and go to the local safe house and let them help you.

Please keep yourself and your children safe.
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Old 02-14-2014, 10:10 AM
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If you have to consider using a firearm, a stun gun, or wasp spray against your husband it's a pretty clear indication that you need to get yourself and your kids out of there. Forget all of the stuff about the job, forget all of the reasons that you have for putting off the inevitable, you are in a very dangerous situation, and your kids are at risk. GET OUT OF THERE. Worry about the details after you and your kids are in a safe place with your family, nothing else matters more than that. He is dangerous and this situation will continue to escalate.
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Old 02-14-2014, 10:52 AM
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While all addiction is very scary, nothing is more scary then a meth addict. They are and often become very dangerous. Your house is on fire, grab the kids and run. He has broken you down so you help accommodate his addiction. It's abuse. Please save you and your girls because as you can see, his behavior continues to get more threatening and will continue.
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Old 02-14-2014, 12:24 PM
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ETA - Please don't buy a gun. I can't think of a more dangerous idea then to have a gun, a meth addict, you and your kids all under the same roof.

In many cases, police use a certain protocol when dealing with meth addicts. Please read about meth psychosis. I am not trying to scare you but seriously, your husband is very, very dangerous right now.
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Old 02-14-2014, 01:25 PM
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I agree with LMN, please don't buy a gun. I was told long ago that any weapon you have can and often is taken and used against you. I understand a weapon gives the illusion of protection but unless you are trained in their use it isn't.

Be safe. You and your children are in my prayers.
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Old 02-14-2014, 03:31 PM
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Third vote on no gun. If you are at the point where you are considering violent
counterforce....then the abort/escape option is your best bet. A violent confrontation
with a meth addict is a lose/lose proposition for you.

You are dealing with a meth addict, not a rational person or a state. NOTHING
complicates a violent confrontation (personal or state) more than unpredictability,
virtually guaranteeing non optimal to disastrous outcomes for all concerned.

The time is now for your best (what I call 'stone cold rational') thinking and
analysis. Your children are depending on you----you are the adult in command.

Meth + violence = mortal danger.
Emergency egress is indicated.
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Old 02-14-2014, 03:41 PM
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That is scary. Please leave. Take the kids and go. I'm sorry.
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