Enabler1

[Hello: Newcomer here. I have a son coming home after 28 days rehab. I know this will not work out. He has 30 days to find a job, stay clean and have a curfew. He physically cannot drink. His body rejects it, he already has elevated liver enzymes, swollen abdomen and high blood pressure. I am already a wreck. My 24 y.o. son lives in our basement. My 21 year old will be right across our room, in the guest room. When to kick him out again? Halfway houses are full, probably due to the harsh winter we are having. Waiting list is until late spring!! Any advice? Thanks. I need to get to alanon, I know.

Dee74

Hi Enabler - thats a rough situation.

It's not something I've experienced but I think most people have a set of house rules and if he breaks them, he knows he has to leave?

Many more experienced people will chime in I'm sure
we also have a Family and Friends section here:

The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com

Welcome to SR!

D

ScottFromWI

How are you certain it won't work? Has he been to rehab before?

Db1105

You answered your question. Al Anon. I got sober when I was 17. Through my frequent trips to court my parents were introduced to Al Anon a year before I got sober. They help start a parents group. Both my Mom and Dad went together for 34 years until my Dad passed away. Mom still goes.

MrBen

I'm not sure about the 30 days to get a job personally. Maybe it's better where you are but here finding work is very hard and may not be possible in 30 days, even with the best intentions in the world. I'd just ensure he was actively searching for work.

least

Welcome to the family.

Enabler1

He has not been thru inpatient before-this is a court ordered rehab. He is already asking if his buddies can come over and visit when he gets home. NO! I don't want to be a nag and be in his face all-the-time, but I will have house rules. I don't want to make it too nice for him. I just know it will be hard to get him out, once he comes home. Thanks.

freethinking

Jeez. If he is only 21 with no job and just coming out of rehab...it seems he would need at least a few months to find a job and then save up enough money to start paying rent somewhere. Don't you believe he wants to stay sober?

hopeful4

I come from the other side of the fence. If he is already wanting for his buddies to come over then he is not realizing that is likely what will lead him right into relapse. I think you are absolutely correct to give him 30 days to clean up and contribute to the house. It's YOUR home, take charge of it. Set boundaries and rules. If he cannot stick to them his housing would become his problem.

I would prepare a list of the local homeless shelters, salvation army, etc. and let him take charge of his own recovery. I am not trying to be harsh. If he comes home and wants to stay sober and work a program and contribute to the household, that is another story. BTW...if he is not working and providing income it is his responsibility to be earning his keep by way of working around the house. Just my opinion.

Good Luck! I encourage you to go to Alanon and make sure you have a wide support system for yourself!

Enabler1

Thanks for reply, but I just think he wants to go back to hanging w/friends and drinking and sleeping til 2pm. But, if he is serious and finds a job and contributes, he can stay to save money. But, we shall see. thanks.

Leana

Enabler1: Can you find him another place to go? If you can- do it. And do it NOW. From experience- I can see signs why it may not work. What signs you ask? 1. Your screen name- it says it all, you realize you are an enabler but realizing it and changing the behavior takes more than 28 days. 2. He is already asking to bring friends over, he doesn't get it.

You are the parent of a 21 year old; let me tell you from experience- once he gets home you are going to swear you've gone back in time and are dealing with a 21 MONTH old. The first days out of in-patient are tough. If you already know this isn't going to work and are afraid you are not strong enough to deal with a large toddler constantly wanting his way, then for HIS sake- say no.

ErikT

Don't treat him from the "get-go" like hes going to fail. Man....
Just lay down the rules and tell him he needs to follow them. But don't start him out with a "welcome home...now get out" attitude.

Enabler1

Good advice, you are so right. I will just lay down some rules, and go about my business. Thanks.

Enabler1

Thanks Leana. I will try to be positive.