More developments
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Kendal, Cumbria UK
Posts: 129
More developments
As the scales fall from my eyes, with the help of various specialists and interested parties (yourselves included) the situation becomes still more complex.
My wife would deny it but she's a functioning alcoholic, on one bottle plus, or nine units a day, drinking every other evening. To avoid repetition, I'll nutshell things...
When mentioning wine, I've been told to "back off". I did so, she drinks more.
There's a barely penetrable blanket of nastiness, relieved by the odd nugget of pleasantness.
There are money issues. All are "my fault".
She can't take even the merest hint of criticism, frequently saying' 'It's not my fault" when I haven't even implied anything.
She spends much of her time going from complaining to criticising to bullying.
She'll also dig at my weak points, especially after drinking.
No intimacy at all for over two and a half years.
The only professional she'd see on our behalf is, "a solicitor".
Now, I've been on antidepressants for over two years. I'm currently washing out Prozac to prepare for Effexor, to try to combat excessive tiredness/sleepiness and weight gain.
After a long chat with my alcohol abuse advisor, it's become clear that I need to be more firm. The doctor also pointed out how stressful it all is, especially as I have MS and a major spinal problem to cope with.
I don't want to lose my wife but I feel I may never get back the wife she was, before she swapped me for the bottle. However, the change of medication is making me less accommodating - it's making me 'man up'.
Just thinking aloud here.
My wife would deny it but she's a functioning alcoholic, on one bottle plus, or nine units a day, drinking every other evening. To avoid repetition, I'll nutshell things...
When mentioning wine, I've been told to "back off". I did so, she drinks more.
There's a barely penetrable blanket of nastiness, relieved by the odd nugget of pleasantness.
There are money issues. All are "my fault".
She can't take even the merest hint of criticism, frequently saying' 'It's not my fault" when I haven't even implied anything.
She spends much of her time going from complaining to criticising to bullying.
She'll also dig at my weak points, especially after drinking.
No intimacy at all for over two and a half years.
The only professional she'd see on our behalf is, "a solicitor".
Now, I've been on antidepressants for over two years. I'm currently washing out Prozac to prepare for Effexor, to try to combat excessive tiredness/sleepiness and weight gain.
After a long chat with my alcohol abuse advisor, it's become clear that I need to be more firm. The doctor also pointed out how stressful it all is, especially as I have MS and a major spinal problem to cope with.
I don't want to lose my wife but I feel I may never get back the wife she was, before she swapped me for the bottle. However, the change of medication is making me less accommodating - it's making me 'man up'.
Just thinking aloud here.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Snood, I'm bloody sorry you are in that poor relationship with an active alcoholic wife. It sounds like major drinking issues, health issues, and financial strain too.
Take a piece of paper and write down 10 things you believe are crucial to marital relationships to succeed. Post it to your counselor with a note you want to talk about these items at your next session. Have this counselor help you systematically review this list with you and determine if you aren't getting these items, what are you getting?
Take a piece of paper and write down 10 things you believe are crucial to marital relationships to succeed. Post it to your counselor with a note you want to talk about these items at your next session. Have this counselor help you systematically review this list with you and determine if you aren't getting these items, what are you getting?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,426
Hi Snood;
I'm sorry it has been so lonely and difficult. Living with an active alcoholic is worse
than living alone in many ways. . .
We are here for you.
I agree CodeJob's idea about writing down what is important and after you decide that, taking whatever steps (including lawyer) to make that happen.
Take care and sending you a hug. Be careful and caring towards yourself and your health.
I'm sorry it has been so lonely and difficult. Living with an active alcoholic is worse
than living alone in many ways. . .
We are here for you.
I agree CodeJob's idea about writing down what is important and after you decide that, taking whatever steps (including lawyer) to make that happen.
Take care and sending you a hug. Be careful and caring towards yourself and your health.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Kendal, Cumbria UK
Posts: 129
Well, thank you again, people.
Today's dose of horridness began with wifey leaving to tweak the holiday flat, and clean her daughter's flat (again). I stayed at home to sort out a booking problem with the holiday flat.
Long story short, I had to take a reduced payment because of an error by the advertiser. This was to keep the (US) customer happy and avoid a possible lawsuit.
Back she came, guns blazing, glass in hand and blowing wine fumes at me. I went out, to the sound of, "I don't want any flowers or a Valentine's card, save your money." Nice. I went to archery.
Came back to two bottles gone and a poor attitude. But it changed...she thinks "something isn't right." Citing forgetfulness and frequent falling asleep on my part, she said we'd have to talk about it tomorrow.
Well, have a gold star! Is it penetrating the ivory dome at last, that I'm...
Clinically depressed and changing from the max dose of one medicine to start another.
Under massive financial stress.
Under still worse emotional stress.
In pain from disabilities.
5th in line in her book (after her, booze, daughter & son).
Jeez
I went to Al-Anon last night, braving 85mph crosswinds on the motorway - says something, doesn't it. Eight of us showed up, good meeting.
Still, I was shooting well tonight, and it's rifles tomorrow. But courtesy of Mrs. Jekyll's not being great and Mrs. Hyde's being horrendous, every silver lining has a cloud.
Keep smiling!
Today's dose of horridness began with wifey leaving to tweak the holiday flat, and clean her daughter's flat (again). I stayed at home to sort out a booking problem with the holiday flat.
Long story short, I had to take a reduced payment because of an error by the advertiser. This was to keep the (US) customer happy and avoid a possible lawsuit.
Back she came, guns blazing, glass in hand and blowing wine fumes at me. I went out, to the sound of, "I don't want any flowers or a Valentine's card, save your money." Nice. I went to archery.
Came back to two bottles gone and a poor attitude. But it changed...she thinks "something isn't right." Citing forgetfulness and frequent falling asleep on my part, she said we'd have to talk about it tomorrow.
Well, have a gold star! Is it penetrating the ivory dome at last, that I'm...
Clinically depressed and changing from the max dose of one medicine to start another.
Under massive financial stress.
Under still worse emotional stress.
In pain from disabilities.
5th in line in her book (after her, booze, daughter & son).
Jeez
I went to Al-Anon last night, braving 85mph crosswinds on the motorway - says something, doesn't it. Eight of us showed up, good meeting.
Still, I was shooting well tonight, and it's rifles tomorrow. But courtesy of Mrs. Jekyll's not being great and Mrs. Hyde's being horrendous, every silver lining has a cloud.
Keep smiling!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Snood, you are across the pond from me. Here when I have financial issues, I don't go out and do archery, rifles, and shooting. I got through my budget and cut the extraneous. Is part of your situation that the money funding your lifestyle belongs to your A? Your situation is complicated, but you have all the tools you need to untwist the knot and deal with it one thread at a time if you so choose.
I'm aware the weather there has been God awful. Glad to hear you went to a meeting anyway.
I'm aware the weather there has been God awful. Glad to hear you went to a meeting anyway.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Kendal, Cumbria UK
Posts: 129
Thanks, CodeJob,
"Here when I have financial issues, I don't go out and do archery, rifles, and shooting. I got through my budget and cut
the extraneous. Is part of your situation that the money funding your lifestyle belongs to your A?"
This isn't the case. We're joint owners of the holiday flat and each receive half of the profits, each paying half the bills for the flat and our joint-owned house.
Until the flat business went slow I'd been adding my own income to the joint amount. Now, I have very little additional income and it's become 'my money' and 'your money'.
My archery and target shooting sessions add up to less than £20 per week. Yes, I bought a bow (she thinks it's on loan) but I don't own a rifle.
Just to put things into perspective, the one meal she bullied me into half paying for would have bought all my archery kit. Equally, I haven't been the the USA twice, to see a son from a former marriage.
'Her money' is mainly in savings (dwindling now. We each pay half the government 'help' money towards shopping, heating etc. I provide the car - again a government thing for people with injuries.
But I'm carrying the debts of the last 5 years or so. I like to do 'fair'...it doesn't always work that way.
"Here when I have financial issues, I don't go out and do archery, rifles, and shooting. I got through my budget and cut
the extraneous. Is part of your situation that the money funding your lifestyle belongs to your A?"
This isn't the case. We're joint owners of the holiday flat and each receive half of the profits, each paying half the bills for the flat and our joint-owned house.
Until the flat business went slow I'd been adding my own income to the joint amount. Now, I have very little additional income and it's become 'my money' and 'your money'.
My archery and target shooting sessions add up to less than £20 per week. Yes, I bought a bow (she thinks it's on loan) but I don't own a rifle.
Just to put things into perspective, the one meal she bullied me into half paying for would have bought all my archery kit. Equally, I haven't been the the USA twice, to see a son from a former marriage.
'Her money' is mainly in savings (dwindling now. We each pay half the government 'help' money towards shopping, heating etc. I provide the car - again a government thing for people with injuries.
But I'm carrying the debts of the last 5 years or so. I like to do 'fair'...it doesn't always work that way.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,426
Well Snood, I think the archery is a needed outlet for your stress.
I don't think you should give that up.
I do think it is time to talk to a lawyer while you still have some assets to work with.
Don't tell her about it, just do it and find out your rights and what to do next.
Nothing will change unless you change it, except the money will dwindle away.
She isn't going to stop if you keep enabling her to drink. I think you are strong
enough to deal with this now. She may or may not stop if you seperate,
but that won't be your problem. She has to choose it for herself,
just as you have to choose a peaceful, fiscally responsible life for you.
You've no doubt heard the "let go or get dragged" phrase on this list many times.
Well, you are seriously getting dragged here with nothing but pain to show for it.
I don't think you should give that up.
I do think it is time to talk to a lawyer while you still have some assets to work with.
Don't tell her about it, just do it and find out your rights and what to do next.
Nothing will change unless you change it, except the money will dwindle away.
She isn't going to stop if you keep enabling her to drink. I think you are strong
enough to deal with this now. She may or may not stop if you seperate,
but that won't be your problem. She has to choose it for herself,
just as you have to choose a peaceful, fiscally responsible life for you.
You've no doubt heard the "let go or get dragged" phrase on this list many times.
Well, you are seriously getting dragged here with nothing but pain to show for it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Hawk eye, this is wise. I saw a lawyer for a consult quietly last year.
Snood, I suspect even your Dr. Might be trying to tell you that not acting is a choice too. If your health is impacted by the stress, only you can remove yourself from the situation.
Twenty pounds is I think about $35 USD. That is a lot of money to blow per week. I'm not saying stop what gives you joy, but if you are freaked over financial straits, then be smart and figure out where it it going and how to address the problem. Sounds like the govt. is very generous there for your disability. But choosing to not address the financial problems is a choice. You might want to play the victim. You are playing a part here that you need to own up to. Talk to your therapist about it. I am positive you have the pieces you need to work on your situation.
Snood, I suspect even your Dr. Might be trying to tell you that not acting is a choice too. If your health is impacted by the stress, only you can remove yourself from the situation.
Twenty pounds is I think about $35 USD. That is a lot of money to blow per week. I'm not saying stop what gives you joy, but if you are freaked over financial straits, then be smart and figure out where it it going and how to address the problem. Sounds like the govt. is very generous there for your disability. But choosing to not address the financial problems is a choice. You might want to play the victim. You are playing a part here that you need to own up to. Talk to your therapist about it. I am positive you have the pieces you need to work on your situation.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
Originally Posted by Snood 
As the scales fall from my eyes, with the help of various specialists and interested parties (yourselves included) the situation becomes still more complex. My wife would deny it but she's a functioning alcoholic, on one bottle plus, or nine units a day, drinking every other evening. To avoid repetition, I'll nutshell things... When mentioning wine, I've been told to "back off". I did so, she drinks more. There's a barely penetrable blanket of nastiness, relieved by the odd nugget of pleasantness. There are money issues. All are "my fault". She can't take even the merest hint of criticism, frequently saying' 'It's not my fault" when I haven't even implied anything. She spends much of her time going from complaining to criticising to bullying. She'll also dig at my weak points, especially after drinking. No intimacy at all for over two and a half years. The only professional she'd see on our behalf is, "a solicitor". Now, I've been on antidepressants for over two years. I'm currently washing out Prozac to prepare for Effexor, to try to combat excessive tiredness/sleepiness and weight gain. After a long chat with my alcohol abuse advisor, it's become clear that I need to be more firm. The doctor also pointed out how stressful it all is, especially as I have MS and a major spinal problem to cope with. I don't want to lose my wife but I feel I may never get back the wife she was, before she swapped me for the bottle. However, the change of medication is making me less accommodating - it's making me 'man up'. Just thinking aloud here.
Peace and hugs to you. This is crazy hard.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Snood, my heart is with you. If archery and shooting make you happy, then do it. You don't have to sacrifice what is part of your pleasure and emotional health because your wife is drinking up the assets.
That's a separate issue to deal with.
I didn't understand until I left my now XH how much despair and depression was caused by living with a rageful abusive alcoholic. If I had understood how much better I would feel emotionally, and how much better my chronic stress related physical illnesses would be when I got out of that stressful environment, I would have left much sooner. My life is so much better now after 20 months living on my own. Yours might be, too.
It's a lot to think about, but worth pondering.
ShootingStar1
That's a separate issue to deal with.
I didn't understand until I left my now XH how much despair and depression was caused by living with a rageful abusive alcoholic. If I had understood how much better I would feel emotionally, and how much better my chronic stress related physical illnesses would be when I got out of that stressful environment, I would have left much sooner. My life is so much better now after 20 months living on my own. Yours might be, too.
It's a lot to think about, but worth pondering.
ShootingStar1
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
O Snood...only you can decide when enough is enough. She sounds like a miserable person who is now making you miserable. I understand. I too am on the anitdepressants, I too am suffering through this. You are not alone. However, my AH is not to that point, but I am right on the line, believe me.
I think you need to continue w/your outlet with the bow. You need to do things for you or you will be completely lost in it. Be careful w/the effexor. My AH took that (while not drinking), switching off of Zoloft. Wow...it made him extremely angry to the point he called the doctor himself and she switched him off of it. It is great for many but for some it has a very bad effect. I just say this to caution you.
I hope you have a peaceful day and do some kind things for yourself! Keep going to Alanon, the support there is great!
I think you need to continue w/your outlet with the bow. You need to do things for you or you will be completely lost in it. Be careful w/the effexor. My AH took that (while not drinking), switching off of Zoloft. Wow...it made him extremely angry to the point he called the doctor himself and she switched him off of it. It is great for many but for some it has a very bad effect. I just say this to caution you.
I hope you have a peaceful day and do some kind things for yourself! Keep going to Alanon, the support there is great!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by Snood
No intimacy at all for over two and a half years.
1 Corinthians 7
A man does well not to marry.[a] 2 But because there is so much immorality, every man should have his own wife, and every woman should have her own husband. 3 A man should fulfill his duty as a husband, and a woman should fulfill her duty as a wife, and each should satisfy the other's needs. 4 A wife is not the master of her own body, but her husband is; in the same way a husband is not the master of his own body, but his wife is. 5 Do not deny yourselves to each other, unless you first agree to do so for a while in order to spend your time in prayer; but then resume normal marital relations. In this way you will be kept from giving in to Satan's temptation because of your lack of self-control.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Kendal, Cumbria UK
Posts: 129
I'd like to offer a kind of communal thanks here, and pull a few nuggets from the replies...
Both the archery and shooting do two things for me. Being acceptably good at both makes me want to take up the challenge. The other thing is that at both clubs, at my counsellor's office, at the Al-Anon meetings and even just in town, in shops or wherever, I receive pleasant treatment. It's very different from how it can be at home, and my wife's spells of pleasantness are always underscored by how she can be (and has been).I've a very good memory.
If it comes down to it, neither of us wants to put money in lawyers' pockets. Amicability is unlikely but I have good legal backing and, let's say, a very strong case.
Yes, it is no longer a loving marriage, it's scarcely a marriage at all. This is, of course, all my doing.
Thanks for the heads up re. Effexor. Being half-clean of Prozac now, I've lost the, 'I don't give a damn' effect but my mood isn't much lower as yet.
Wifey wants us to go to the doc's because she thinks "Something isn't right with my memory." For this, I read 'bad relationship' plus Prozac but I'm merely a Master of Science (psych) and am therefore wrong.
Sarcastic I may be, and cynical to a degree but I'm a pleasant chap and shout extremely rarely...I hardly swear.
What was that about deserving?
Both the archery and shooting do two things for me. Being acceptably good at both makes me want to take up the challenge. The other thing is that at both clubs, at my counsellor's office, at the Al-Anon meetings and even just in town, in shops or wherever, I receive pleasant treatment. It's very different from how it can be at home, and my wife's spells of pleasantness are always underscored by how she can be (and has been).I've a very good memory.
If it comes down to it, neither of us wants to put money in lawyers' pockets. Amicability is unlikely but I have good legal backing and, let's say, a very strong case.
Yes, it is no longer a loving marriage, it's scarcely a marriage at all. This is, of course, all my doing.
Thanks for the heads up re. Effexor. Being half-clean of Prozac now, I've lost the, 'I don't give a damn' effect but my mood isn't much lower as yet.
Wifey wants us to go to the doc's because she thinks "Something isn't right with my memory." For this, I read 'bad relationship' plus Prozac but I'm merely a Master of Science (psych) and am therefore wrong.
Sarcastic I may be, and cynical to a degree but I'm a pleasant chap and shout extremely rarely...I hardly swear.
What was that about deserving?
Not waving, but drowning
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 423
Interesting about the Prozac Snood. While it can certainly help you get through a bad patch, it and the other SSRIs can also take away your ability to get out of a bad situation---since you just "care" less. Maybe the diminishing effect will help launch you into some action?
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Snood, the fact your relationship is no longer a marriage is not all your doing if your wife is an active A. But you are staying in it at this moment. You are choosing to bide your time. You are choosing to not just let the lawyers take their cut and legally end it.
Whether or not this inability to make a choice is a pattern for you, a symptom of depression, or a symptom of the antidepressants is something I think your MD and therapist could help you tease out and make a plan to slowly move in the direction that you want to go. You are educated, and sometimes those of us wandering with academic credentials overthink things.
I'm on Prozac. I have Major Depression. I totally know about losing momentum due to depression, not getting an immediate return to normal once you admit there is a problem and try pharma approach, and having to mess with doses. I am no longer seeing my days in gray but my focus and daily drive is still wacky.
I wish you all the best, Snood.
Whether or not this inability to make a choice is a pattern for you, a symptom of depression, or a symptom of the antidepressants is something I think your MD and therapist could help you tease out and make a plan to slowly move in the direction that you want to go. You are educated, and sometimes those of us wandering with academic credentials overthink things.
I'm on Prozac. I have Major Depression. I totally know about losing momentum due to depression, not getting an immediate return to normal once you admit there is a problem and try pharma approach, and having to mess with doses. I am no longer seeing my days in gray but my focus and daily drive is still wacky.
I wish you all the best, Snood.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Kendal, Cumbria UK
Posts: 129
More revelations over the last day or so have been making me think. One has been like a flash of light!
Over the last week I've had...
"I hate you."
"You're an idiot'"
Accusations of deliberately getting a pricing for the business wrong - I sorted it out.
Criticism over forgetting things.
Childish sulking/tantrums, especially when I've proved my wife's criticisms to be utterly wrong.
As I've mentioned, she's using about a bottle (of fizzy) per day but is drinking every other night. She feels that's healthy. Today's task was to haul stepdaughter (and wife) to hospital, for SD to have an EEG. On the way, I found out that she'd had such a procedure before and it 'wasn't a problem'. In other words, she was too lazy/spoilt to take a bus or train. A round trip of 61 miles, plus three hours of my time. Just a '"thanks" for it.
On the way, I got...
The suggestion that I wasn't using the satnav properly (I was).
Criticism of the way I drove in traffic.
Complaints about an irritating noise (spray paint cans) in the back of the car.
Complaint about the floor mat being wet (spillage from the Valentine's flower vase I'd bought for her. No card or anything for me, by the way.)
So, irritable, sulky, childish, cutting, critical, sarcastic and accusatory - the morning after a non-drinking night.
The group in Al-Anon discussed this, the term 'Dry Drunk' was used. It makes me wonder if she is actually falling into withdrawal over 10 to 12 hours.
The fact that I didn't make her and SD get out the car 30 miles from home shows the sort of man I am...felt like saying so, though.
Food for thought...
Over the last week I've had...
"I hate you."
"You're an idiot'"
Accusations of deliberately getting a pricing for the business wrong - I sorted it out.
Criticism over forgetting things.
Childish sulking/tantrums, especially when I've proved my wife's criticisms to be utterly wrong.
As I've mentioned, she's using about a bottle (of fizzy) per day but is drinking every other night. She feels that's healthy. Today's task was to haul stepdaughter (and wife) to hospital, for SD to have an EEG. On the way, I found out that she'd had such a procedure before and it 'wasn't a problem'. In other words, she was too lazy/spoilt to take a bus or train. A round trip of 61 miles, plus three hours of my time. Just a '"thanks" for it.
On the way, I got...
The suggestion that I wasn't using the satnav properly (I was).
Criticism of the way I drove in traffic.
Complaints about an irritating noise (spray paint cans) in the back of the car.
Complaint about the floor mat being wet (spillage from the Valentine's flower vase I'd bought for her. No card or anything for me, by the way.)
So, irritable, sulky, childish, cutting, critical, sarcastic and accusatory - the morning after a non-drinking night.
The group in Al-Anon discussed this, the term 'Dry Drunk' was used. It makes me wonder if she is actually falling into withdrawal over 10 to 12 hours.
The fact that I didn't make her and SD get out the car 30 miles from home shows the sort of man I am...felt like saying so, though.
Food for thought...
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Snood, how close are you to ending the marriage? Do you have no intention no matter how bad it gets, or are you just building up to it? I think a lot of posters here are puzzled as to why you're still hanging around, listing all the nasty things she does to you.
From what I read, you are in a miserable situation, and you're definitely bringing out the worst in her.
Making AW and SD get out of the car 30 miles from home would have been an unreasonable and childish thing to do. Far better to suggest they take the bus in the first place. Then stick to it.
From what I read, you are in a miserable situation, and you're definitely bringing out the worst in her.
Making AW and SD get out of the car 30 miles from home would have been an unreasonable and childish thing to do. Far better to suggest they take the bus in the first place. Then stick to it.
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