Brolynbub

I know I shouldn't be angry with my AP but he apparently wanted to give up alcohol as it was ruining our relationship. I told him he needed to move out anyway as I wouldn't have my son subjected to the rubbish that is life living with an alcoholic. My son was not born into this, therefore he shouldn't have to put up with it, just because his mother loves this man. I thought I would work on our elation ship once he got better...hmm or not.
Anyway he gave up11 days ago. Last night he ruined it. He went out with his drunk friend and got wasted...I feel so angry...I actually said something, when I swore I wouldn't....that it was over anyway so it wouldn't affect me... But alas it did.
I don't know why I am so angry and hurt....I guess I wanted this to be the start of his recovery. I wanted him to want to get better for me and our family. Even though I had fallen out of love with him, I wanted it to happen, for him. He is 35 for gods sake...when does he stop this rubbish?
He has left for work already and I want to choke him. He needs to leave sooner than I thought if he's starting this drinking crap again.

ladyscribbler

You have a right to be angry. It can be a useful emotion. But it's important to look at why you are angry. Sometimes I get angry because I have expectations of other people or of situations that aren't realistic. When those expectations are not met, I feel angry. But that is my fault, because I am the one who placed those expectations on others.
You are disappointed because your AP lapsed after 11 days of sobriety, which you were hoping meant that he was "fixed", but drinking isn't the only problem here. Simply not drinking is not recovery, and this man is also abusive and manipulative.
My AXB is close in age to yours, but aging does not cause people to "outgrow" alcoholism because it is a disease. This is the same reason that he cannot quit on his own and that not drinking is not equivalent to recovery.
He clearly has no intention of entering real recovery. These few days of "not drinking" were likely a bone he's throwing to you because he sensed you were on the verge of ending his free ride. I would encourage you to evict him from your home. He has no reason change right now, and by giving him a place to live for free where he can drink, you are actually harming his chances of recovery.
I don't mean to criticize you, but one thing I've had to do in my recovery from codependency is to examine how MY behavior contributed negatively to situations in my life. It isn't all your AP's fault. He's just doing what alcoholics do.
Hugs and strength to you.

Brolynbub

Thank you, I know it was unrealistic of me...it just infuriates me that he laughs at me and acts like a child all the time. You're right about allowing him to drink...it's time to cut the ties. I'm really worried about him though, but it's not really my business anymore who he chooses to live with and what he does in regards to drinking. I have to let him go. I really need to do some reading about my codependency too..try to figure out why I care at all. I can't fix him, that's for sure.

ladyscribbler

I know just how you feel, and that all that stuff is easier said than done. I diddled around for five miserable years before I got my act together and left with my kids. I know you were considering therapy, have you looked into an Alanon meeting? What you need is loving support and those are two great places to get it. SR is good too, but the real life interaction has helped me so much. Take care and let us know how you're doing. I'm rooting for you!

Here's a cool dancing smiley to cheer you up. My son picked it out.

spiderqueen

More than likely, that was just a Quack to placate you.

Or perhaps he even meant it, but he is addicted to alcohol, so it is going to take a whole lot more than promises to himself, or to you, for him to quit.

My Xabf was never so sincere as when he was promising to give up drinking for good; he knew that not just our relationship, but his very life was at stake. But he never fully accepted the extent of the problem - he would call it "temporary" or "situational", "this is not who I am", etc.

I think they have to acknowledge how deep the rot has gone before they can start to repair the damage.

So sorry you are suffering and disappointed. I'm afraid you may have to dial your expectations down to *zero*.

AnvilheadII

if he's starting this drinking crap again

he already HAS.

Brolynbub

He just called me on the way home from work offering to pick up my son from after school care. And he is pretending as though nothing happened, but sucking up by offering to pick up my boy, wanting to go but stuff for dinner etc...my goodness, I can't wait for him to move out. I want normalcy back.

Sungrl

When is he due to move out? Have you made it clear and set a date as to when you want that to happen?

hopeful4

I would not let him drive your son around if he drinks, your son has to be your #1 priority. He will only recover when and if he decides to do it for himself, not you or your son. I agree, he has to get out. Do you really want your son exposed to this? You will change. Your anxiety levels will rise, it will affect you. Your son will definitely pick up on that. Please please see it for what it is.

Good Luck and God Bless.

Brolynbub

He is dilly dallying with moving out plans...I'm sure once he finds somewhere he will literally leave. His friend who he is moving in with is worse than he is and I worry about him...but I'll get over it. I'm doing well and pretending I don't care.
He's not allowed anywhere near my son if he is drinking, let alone in the car. My son actually refuses to go in the car with him most of the time and complains if AP wants to drive...apparently he is a disrespectful turd of a kid...meh, I love that he knows right from wrong. When AP drives he is reckless and drives like a crazy man...yet tells me he is the best driver ever.
I'm having a very sad day today though...i feel really weak today.

Recovering2

Why are you letting him decide when he moves out? Set your boundary, give him a date to be out. He's an adult, he'll figure it out. Let him know as of ___ date the locks will be changed and he will need to be out. As long as you let him decide ... he will take his sweet time. What's his hurry?

Brolynbub

Oh you're right, but he's whinging about everything apparently I ruined his electric wok (it had a scratch) which I'm sure wasn't me...I made him sell all his stuff...it's my fault he's in this spot... I know he's being ridiculous but I still feel awful.

ladyscribbler

Sigh, I heard so many variations of that. What it boiled down to was- all HIS problems were MY fault, everything that went wrong in his life was because of me.
So I did us both a favor and left. That should have solved all his problems, right? Because it was nothing to do with alcohol, or his attitudes, or his brain injury or PTSD. It was all me, so by that logic, when I left, that should have ended all his problems.
Not so much.
He still has all HIS problems.
But I don't.
You can't help him. Help yourself instead.