CodeJob

Last fall RAH and I only managed 2 marital counseling sessions before it was clear he was not ready. I left both sessions so wiped out I literally went home and went to bed. The last session, T recommended we work on intimacy.

Like the rule follower I am, I tried to get into the spirit of things. I got zip. RAH claims nothing wrong, just feels 'neutered.' He claims impotence med makes him feel weird and want to drink. As far as I know, no affair. He informs me MD at rehab said it could take a year for erections to return. He refuses to see a specialist. He claims it is not me. He claims he still loves me.

We can spend time together enjoyably, but no intimacy now for a year. So last week this issue comes up with T and I rattle off the things I have done to try to spark something. I am of course totally blushing bc my T is male. I left out a few obvious things, but it is clear I've been making advances and getting shut down completely. No physical response at all. Now I don't do this every day, but it comes up regularly.

So at first I do the usual thing I stupidly do when I come home from T. I try to talk to RAH. "Why do you always want to talk to me at night?! " Hollering at me so DS reminds everyone we live in fairly close quarters and he can hear RAH telling me he doesn't want to talk and just go to bed!

On Saturday morning, I pull RAH into a conversation. I get nowhere of course on this lack of intimacy. Though other interesting items come up so it is a good discussion, but no insight to the subject of this post. He declines gentle offer to return to counseling together.

T recommended making an appointment with RAH to try. What's the worst thing that could happen? So I tried this yesterday. Texted my RAH and asked to meet me at a decent hour in our bedroom. He agrees. I make it a point to be there and he makes a point to work on a house project. He does not come to our bedroom until the time I am usually asleep.

But I am awake. I tell him he blew off our meet up. I just pointed it out with no recrimination or judgement. I have been so rebuffed on this issue that I am not surprised. Expectations breed resentments. I am worried for myself. Is this the new way for RAH to manipulate our marriage and drive me away? I'm going to eventually find someone and cheat? Or is this a sign to just let go?

Maybe this relationship turns RAH onto a better path, but we just don't continue together. Do you end a relationship for lack of intimacy? Is this a sign we just have too much wreckage and he doesn't want to rebuild?

Thanks for letting me vent this concern a bit. I am going to do nothing until next T appointment. Time for a break in rejection.

dandylion

CodeJob----how long has your husband been in recovery.....and, does he have a program that he works or has he done any of the steps? The reason that I ask, is, because, recovery is far m ore than just not drinking. It involves a new way of being and thinking, etc......

For an alcoholic who is not in authentic recovery---intimacy almost always goes the way of the woodchipper......

dandylion

MissFixit

CodeJob,

Sex is very important to some people and not so important to others. Was your sex life fulfilling before the last year? What changed a year ago? Recovery? Were you two on the same page sexually? (I feel like Dr. Ruth)

Is he on psych meds? Anti-depressants kill sex drive in men (at least it has in mine and he had to adjust medication). How old is rah? Does he have any urological conditions? Does he get routine physicals to make sure his plumbing is in working order?

You deserve a sex life if you want one.

Florence

My STBXAH was intermittently sober for some time, almost a year at a time with some spectacular relapses in between, but the intimacy never recovered. The last three years we were together we had almost no sex. Not sure how I got pregnant with DD2. It was extremely painful for me. I am a young woman, funny, smart, attractive, and I was still, even after everything, very attracted to my STBXAH. I wanted that feedback from my partner and he was not able or willing to provide it. The plumbing worked, but his mind didn't. He avoided me, he turned his back to me every night, he wouldn't discuss it, he ignored when I made an extra effort to look nice. It was extra painful because he was always so complimentary of friends, family, and strangers. He was affectionate in front of our families and cold when it was just us. It felt like a personal rebuff -- or like I was his front, there in public to visually attest to a false success in sobriety. I tried not to push it -- to be open for sex but not demand it.

I started reading in bed a lot and bringing the laptop into bed. One night he rolled over when I was searching for something online and saw that I had googled "surviving a sexless marriage." He said, "Oh." I said, "Yeah, it's a real problem for me." I never brought it up again. Neither did he.

I stopped expecting it and I just shut that part of me down. It was too painful to be rejected every time. We've been separated now going on a year and a half and my libido is really only starting to wake back up in me.

Between this and my realizations about my NPD mother, intimacy in all its forms (apart from my children, whom I smother with love) feels like a rope bridge crossing -- I could do it if I was brave enough, but if I fell it would kill me.

hopeful4

I am coming from the opposite end of the spectrum. I have to force myself to be intimate with my AH b/c we don't have a good relationship. I honestly think I could go for the rest of my life and never have sex again. I have the Nuvaring that I use (b/c I prevent having a period) and also am taking Rx the I know lower the libido. I am not doing so on purpose, but the need for the medication at this point is more than that problem b/c I am having panic attacks that are extreme.

So...if your husband is having medical issues I can only encourage you to keep up with trying to get him to go to the doctor. Also, drinking of course messes with your sex drive in a big way, so that is an issue also.

I am sorry you are going through this.

MissFixit

Why on earth are you having sex with someone you are divorcing?

hopeful4

If you are addressing me, I guess I mean in the months before last month, when I decided to divorce. This has been ongoing for many many years.

Stung

I'm way on the other side of this. I turn down my RAH, and have been turning him down for almost a whole year (yikes!)

For me personally, I need the emotional closeness and if that isn't there then I'm not interested in anything physical. Also, I know that we like to think (and probably have been raised to think) that men should ALWAYS want sex just because they're men, but it doesn't work that way. If my husband tried to "schedule" an appointment with me in our bedroom to have sex it would be a lot of pressure on me and make me feel pretty worthless. How about scheduling a date with him hoping you get lucky after having a really nice time with him. Maybe try to let it happen more organically.

HopefulinFLA

Codejob,

My first thought was "pressure".

I'm still trying to warm up to my RAH again. I think it's the emotional trust that's holding me back, but my interest in intimacy has certainly waned alot. The more he hints and suggests, the more pressure I feel which just exacerbates the problem for me. I just need more time.

I agree with Stung, maybe letting it happen more naturally as opposed to scheduling might work better. Also, maybe if you stop trying and talking about it, it might reduce the pressure he feels and make him feel more relaxed.

I have been on your side of the problem though, and I do know how hard it it is.

AuntieSoso

Does RAH see a therapist on his own? That might be a good idea for him to consider. I would imagine (and of course I'm projecting here) that he feels a LOT of pressure, mentally, and it is just too much for him.

I did not want to be intimate with my ex-husband. Sure enough, he'd always want to talk about it at night when I wanted to go to bed. Honestly, it drove me crazy and made me mad at him and in no way helped the situation and in fact made him bug me so much that I wanted nothing to do with him.

I think there is a lot of pressure in society for men to perform, to always be on, and if they are not, I would imagine/guess that there's a lot of ego and feelings of failure tied up in that. For people who like to talk about things, and talk about them, and talk about them, it is exhausting for people who don't like to talk that much. It can cause someone to shut down and withdraw even more. I know because that is my reaction and I would do the same thing your RAH is doing.

I've heard it said that men try to get women to leave a relationship vs. them being the ones who leave. It certainly worked in my situation - we were both miserable, but it got to the point where I was the one who had to say something. Is your RAH doing this? Maybe - only he knows.

What might be helpful for you is to decide what you want from a relationship and does he seem like he's a partner who is willing to take those steps with you? How important is intimacy to you? Could you live the rest of your life without it with RAH? Think about what you want irrespective of RAH. Picture a future you, with everything you want in a relationship - what qualities does it have? Is passion/sex/intimacy one of them?

I'm sorry to hear you are suffering. I wish you peace.

Mango blast

This is one of those issues where you can together decide on an amount of time to table things and re-evaluate the next steps then. 3 months might be a compromise. The optimal part of it, as always, is working your own recovery programs in the meantime.

lillamy

Honestly? It's not something you can push. Either it will come back or it won't. I'm just trying to put myself in the shoes of someone who doesn't have any interest, and think about how I would react. I think the more I was pressured, the less I would be interested. Especially if he has ED issues, every "failure" is going to make it harder for him.

I think maybe I would start at the other end, and say "look -- it's not the sex I'm after. I know that's difficult for you right now. But would you agree to just come to bed and hold me, with no expectations? I need that intimacy."

Maybe if he knows there are zero performance expectations, he will be less afraid?

mry

I'm another at the opposite end - I could not feel interested physically when we were so totally disconnected emotionally. The more my rAH pushed, the more pressure I felt and the more I felt that it was all he wanted from me and all that he was willing to put into the relationship. He went so far as to cut out articles about living in a sexless marriage and leaving them for me, threatening to have an affair, etc. None of that ever made me felt like being intimate with him. I agree with the suggestions to improved the emotional intimacy in the marriage and see where that takes you both. Courting is what our therapist suggested.

CodeJob

Thanks everyone for all the good comments here.

RAH I believe only got through step 5. He did not do 90 meetings in 90 days and did not find a group or sponsor he felt comfortable with. Maybe he did 30 meetings? I did not count and did not follow him around. I did speak up that if he did not like his sponsor that I was pretty confident he could approach someone else, but I did not harp on it. I suggested a few times if he did not like group feel of AA then go to a addiction counselor, but I'm pretty confident he's not the first or last to go his own way. He does do a lot of daily reading, goes to church where his HP hangs officially, and stays occupied with work and projects. I know he's done some online reading. I told him I knew there was other programs and he was welcome to try,them. I don't probe or really even talk to him about recovery because his way is difficult for me to discern progress. As of late I am seeing more denial, but he is coming up on a year and I have heard that their date can make them goofy. He looks good and his anxiety is down 85% from active drinking.

Sex life was OK before crisis, but signs of ED were present. So that means I've suggested a specialist visit for over a year now. No appointment made on his part. He was told in rehab by MD that it could take a year to have body rebound. I met this MD and truly liked him.

Pressure. Well I texted for a 'cuddle session' to try to take some pressure off. This was my T's idea, so I was just trying to be the initiator. A role I rarely have played previously, so I don't have much confidence. It was his idea for us to work on rebuilding intimacy last fall as well and we both have made an effort to spend some time together. We get along well, but I am getting sexually frustrated. I guess I better just keep running it out of my system and let the anniversary date come up and see how things go.

Thanks again.

BoxinRotz

Hubby's brain injury and surgery made his guy weak. I don't get to play around like I used to but he tries to make it up elsewhere. He's got his ways. Most of the time, I don't initiate because of pressure but if we're both in the kitchen, I will rub my a$$ up against him and/or show him my b00bs among other things. lol I have fun and if I at least have him laughing his ass off at me, calling me crazy, it's all good!

It's an embarrassing topic for a man who's lost his mojo. Scary too. I know when he told me his guy wasn't working, he was scared. It really left after the brain surgery so we don't know if it'll ever come back like it was or not but it seems like in the last 2 months, he's woken up on his own out of the blue. Still waiting on morning wood though...

And there you have it...

Smiley1

Lots of good information on here. I used to tell my hubby that I was going to trade him in on two 20 year olds, until our son was near that age Obviously I was never serious, but he would say " maybe you should...." Sadly it seems that addiction destroys intimacy in a marriage, sex being only one part of intimacy. Now I apply my recovery tools to that side of my life as well.... Can only take care of myself, since that part of me is not dead, and as my lady dr said "use it or lose it". ( apparently we do not have an embarrassed smiley)

Take what you like, and leave the rest

CodeJob

Thanks Smiley.

redatlanta

My RAH lost drive when he got sober and it never came back. No plumbing issues just no drive. He told me he loved to get drunk and do a couple lines and screw all night. Maybe he did that so long that when he quit sex drive died? Not sure. He also takes meds that affect the issue.

We do have sex just not as often as I would like. I have gotten used to it. He is very touchy feely lots of hugs and kisses and cuddles. Doesn't take the place of a good banging lol, but he seems to know when it's time for that.

It's not the end of the world to deal with. Personally for me if We did not have the intimacy we have and I was pushed away continuously I could not put up with it.