Think I'm making some progress.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Nevada
Posts: 57
Think I'm making some progress.
First allow me to start with my appreciation and gratitude for SR. though I don't post often, I often lurk, read, and learn.
My AH who claimed to have been going to his meetings, finally returned home after 5 days of being AWOL. If it wasn't for this forum and the stories I've read, and my support group in al anon, I might've been a little crazy. Instead I managed to live my life and take care of myself. Didn't feel the need to check up on him or call a thousand times and ask him to come home. Just figured he'd show up when he showed up, and lo and behold, guess what the cat drug in tonight?...
Wow. How does it go from my innocently balancing the checkbook, and asking a simple question, "did you take out some money?" to him leaving and not coming home for 5 days. Guess that would be a yes.
When he walked in I just looked at him, asked where he was planning to stay this evening, (out in our trailer) , and went about my business. He sat here waiting, presumedly, for me to interrogate him, but those days are over. He got up, walked out, and told our 22 year old, that "I guess my marriage is over..... " and went outside. Of course 22 year old wants to know what I said, to which I replied, "nothing". He relayed what AH had said on way by, and my response......"hmmmm"
Incredible how calm and at peace I am. Didn't cause it, can't cure him, and have let go of the control.
I will get my smile back
My AH who claimed to have been going to his meetings, finally returned home after 5 days of being AWOL. If it wasn't for this forum and the stories I've read, and my support group in al anon, I might've been a little crazy. Instead I managed to live my life and take care of myself. Didn't feel the need to check up on him or call a thousand times and ask him to come home. Just figured he'd show up when he showed up, and lo and behold, guess what the cat drug in tonight?...
Wow. How does it go from my innocently balancing the checkbook, and asking a simple question, "did you take out some money?" to him leaving and not coming home for 5 days. Guess that would be a yes.
When he walked in I just looked at him, asked where he was planning to stay this evening, (out in our trailer) , and went about my business. He sat here waiting, presumedly, for me to interrogate him, but those days are over. He got up, walked out, and told our 22 year old, that "I guess my marriage is over..... " and went outside. Of course 22 year old wants to know what I said, to which I replied, "nothing". He relayed what AH had said on way by, and my response......"hmmmm"
Incredible how calm and at peace I am. Didn't cause it, can't cure him, and have let go of the control.
I will get my smile back
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Smiley1---good job. I remember, with some amusement (now)---how my As (adult children) reacted when I learned how to detach and not respond to their QUACKING...LOL!They were stunned.....deer in the headlights. They didn't know how to react to me.
That was the beginning of me taking my "power" back.
dandylion
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Nevada
Posts: 57
Thanks for the warm words. I just hope I can continue to remember that serenity is possible. First time I steeped foot in al anon I thought serenity was as far from reality as possible. I've come a looonnnnggg way!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Litchfield Park, AZ
Posts: 319
"Changed attitudes aid recovery." I hear that every time I go to a meeting, that and "Keep the focus on yourself."
In some ways it's a mystery how our own changed attitudes can result in changes in the alcoholic, but in another sense it's kind of the inverse of that old definition of insanity: Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome.
Yet there we were, reacting to the alcoholic the way we always did and expecting him/her to change. But when we change...man! I think it must be like having the floor drop away for them. The one thing the alcoholic thought was safe and constant in their crazy, crazy world: our behavior, their ability to push our buttons...you take that away and it must be terrifying for them.
In some ways it's a mystery how our own changed attitudes can result in changes in the alcoholic, but in another sense it's kind of the inverse of that old definition of insanity: Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome.
Yet there we were, reacting to the alcoholic the way we always did and expecting him/her to change. But when we change...man! I think it must be like having the floor drop away for them. The one thing the alcoholic thought was safe and constant in their crazy, crazy world: our behavior, their ability to push our buttons...you take that away and it must be terrifying for them.
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