Just can't seem to "get it"....
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 809
Just can't seem to "get it"....
Really struggling with the desire to stop drinking.
I have this cycle. I've been relapsing for the last 7 years. It took me a few years to actually grasp the concept of sobriety and never drinking again.
My problem now is - my desire seems to come and go as it pleases. I've had plenty of "bottoms" of varying depths… some emotional, some physical. Terrible things have happened. I've lost jobs, relationships, legal trouble, DUI's and car accidents, landed myself in treatment 3 times. The list goes on, I'm sure many of you can relate.
I get to this point of desperation, usually after a binge of some sort. I desperately want sobriety and in that moment, in that day, I am willing to do whatever it takes to not ever pick up a drink again. I never want to feel the way I'm feeling again. I'm excited about a new life in sobriety. I attend meetings regularly, talk to my sponsor, start working the steps, start fixing my life.
My problem is, that I can never seem to hold on to that feeling of desperation. Could be days, could be weeks, could be months later. But I always find myself at a place where I change my mind on the whole sober thing. The thought of a drink creeps in. And then my desire to drink starts getting stronger. And stronger. And stronger. The longer I "hold on" to sobriety and keep doing what I'm supposed to be doing, the stronger the urge gets. Until I decide that a drink is a good idea. Or maybe not even a good idea, but it's the only option, in order to get out of my white knuckling. I need to feel the warmth of a drink, I need to escape myself, and my desire to pick up completely demolishes my desire to stay sober.
And the cycle starts again.
I don't understand how other people seem to hold on to this feeling of desperation. Why can't I? What am I doing wrong?
Do I just need to keep coming back to meetings? Or do I need to give up and go back until I hit my REAL bottom. Or die from this disease. I just don't understand. I'm a smart girl but I am completely confused and just feel useless and angry with myself. I don't like the feeling of failure and it's been a constant in my life for so many years now.
I am probably feeling sorry for myself, but more so disgusted and angry with myself.
Any words of wisdom from SR?
I have this cycle. I've been relapsing for the last 7 years. It took me a few years to actually grasp the concept of sobriety and never drinking again.
My problem now is - my desire seems to come and go as it pleases. I've had plenty of "bottoms" of varying depths… some emotional, some physical. Terrible things have happened. I've lost jobs, relationships, legal trouble, DUI's and car accidents, landed myself in treatment 3 times. The list goes on, I'm sure many of you can relate.
I get to this point of desperation, usually after a binge of some sort. I desperately want sobriety and in that moment, in that day, I am willing to do whatever it takes to not ever pick up a drink again. I never want to feel the way I'm feeling again. I'm excited about a new life in sobriety. I attend meetings regularly, talk to my sponsor, start working the steps, start fixing my life.
My problem is, that I can never seem to hold on to that feeling of desperation. Could be days, could be weeks, could be months later. But I always find myself at a place where I change my mind on the whole sober thing. The thought of a drink creeps in. And then my desire to drink starts getting stronger. And stronger. And stronger. The longer I "hold on" to sobriety and keep doing what I'm supposed to be doing, the stronger the urge gets. Until I decide that a drink is a good idea. Or maybe not even a good idea, but it's the only option, in order to get out of my white knuckling. I need to feel the warmth of a drink, I need to escape myself, and my desire to pick up completely demolishes my desire to stay sober.
And the cycle starts again.
I don't understand how other people seem to hold on to this feeling of desperation. Why can't I? What am I doing wrong?
Do I just need to keep coming back to meetings? Or do I need to give up and go back until I hit my REAL bottom. Or die from this disease. I just don't understand. I'm a smart girl but I am completely confused and just feel useless and angry with myself. I don't like the feeling of failure and it's been a constant in my life for so many years now.
I am probably feeling sorry for myself, but more so disgusted and angry with myself.
Any words of wisdom from SR?
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
Our 'bottom' is where we stop digging that hole we're in. I don't know what to tell you other than you need to find your inner strength to not go back to drinking. If going to meetings helps you, then go to more of them. Would counseling be of help to you? I see a counselor and it's a lot of help to me.
I hope our support can help you stay sober for good.
I hope our support can help you stay sober for good.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: South Dakota
Posts: 136
Why do women give birth to another child after experiencing the pain of the first one? We forget the pain. That feeling of desperation disappears and that is when the addictive voice starts telling you it will be ok THIS TIME. Big fat lie. I need to continue to go to AA meetings, read the Big Book, do the steps, surround myself with people in recovery, do daily readings, and pray in order to stay sober. It is a daily task that has to be the most important thing in my life. If I drink I will go downhill FAST and likely die. It is also very helpful to help other alcoholics get sober..good reminder of how painful it is. I wish you the best! 
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
Hi Mrrryah1
for me I really needed to accept I had a problem - too many times I'd binge, feel bad, then after a few days I felt good again and I convinced myself I had no problem.
I needed to do more to stop drinking. Posting here daily really helped me - it's much harder to rationalise away a problem if you focus on it every day.
support really helps too - if AA has worked for you in the past, why not go back?
I had to really change my life too - my life centered around alcohol and drinking - however much I didn't want to, I knew that unless my life changed, I was always going to be dragged back to drinking....
D
for me I really needed to accept I had a problem - too many times I'd binge, feel bad, then after a few days I felt good again and I convinced myself I had no problem.
I needed to do more to stop drinking. Posting here daily really helped me - it's much harder to rationalise away a problem if you focus on it every day.
support really helps too - if AA has worked for you in the past, why not go back?
I had to really change my life too - my life centered around alcohol and drinking - however much I didn't want to, I knew that unless my life changed, I was always going to be dragged back to drinking....
D
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
Desperation got me started but desperation isn't something to base your life on. I think you need to start looking beyond just counting sober time and deciding "what to be when you grow up".
I have only been sober for 16 months so I'm not an expert, but my method doesn't depend on an emotional state. Sobriety is a decision I made 16 months ago, and having made it I don't have to make it again each day. Again, this is just my approach- not a one size fit all.
What would you like to do that would only work if you stay sober? That might give you more meaningful motivation.
I have only been sober for 16 months so I'm not an expert, but my method doesn't depend on an emotional state. Sobriety is a decision I made 16 months ago, and having made it I don't have to make it again each day. Again, this is just my approach- not a one size fit all.What would you like to do that would only work if you stay sober? That might give you more meaningful motivation.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi, I found it helpful to look up the effects of alcohol on the internet, but that might not work for everyone. A person I knew died of throat cancer after a life of alcohol problems and that convinced me of the long term harm as well. It could happen to me.
Like I said it's not for everyone, but you may have something that motivates you that you can think about when you want to relapse.
Also posting on SR and getting lots of support.
Like I said it's not for everyone, but you may have something that motivates you that you can think about when you want to relapse.
Also posting on SR and getting lots of support.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 22
I've been back and forth with sobriety over the years and I completely understand how you are feeling. I've been reading a lot on AVRT which helps us to recognize our "addictive voice" and separate it from ourselves. In the reading I've done, they refer to our addictive voice as the beast. What I've found helpful is to name my addictive voice as an alter ego, the drunk me, the mean me, the one with OUIs, accidents, regrets, angering friends, missing work, hung over, etc. When I want a drink, even when I think, "Just one won't hurt..." I now know that I don't actually want a drink, the drunk, mean, troubled side of me does. And I don't like that person, so why would I please her? As long as I don't drink, that side of me will never come out. Simply separating my thoughts into my own and the thoughts of addiction has helped a lot. Maybe it can do the same for you so you won't forget that feeling of desperation down the road. Good luck!
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
Originally Posted by Mrrryah1 
Do I just need to keep coming back to meetings? Or do I need to give up and go back until I hit my REAL bottom. Or die from this disease.
I was in the same cycle for over 20 years. In and out of the rooms. For most of that time I kept drinking, thinking eventually the meetings would make sense and that program would work for me. It never did, and I got tired of looking for the lower bottom where it would all become clear. It works for a lot of people. I wasn't one of them.
You have to find what works for you. Alcohol recovery is personal. One size does not fit all. The part of you that craves sobriety started this thread. You have to find the things (behaviors) that strengthen that sober-seeking part. Get it good and strong so that when that alcoholic living in your head starts singing its sweet song your sober self has the strength to tell it "NO!"
You can do this.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Going to a lot of meetings certainly helped me when my situation was similar. As it turns out that after several years of hearing "KEEP COMING" something clicked which resulted in that phrase was the most important thing I heard until I surrendered to the fact I could not drink in safety and got honest about my drinking.
After many years of not drinking I still go to 4-6 meetings a week, many more the first 10 -15 years. Several reasons for this and one is that so often I need a reminder of some forgotten pearl someone said in the past I need to hear for the present.
A thing that in looking back helped many was/is getting and staying active IN the program.
Perhaps a couple all woman meetings sharing a week will bring new thinking processing and identification. The biggie is to hang on as it will get better if we let it, it takes time, that beloved word.
BE WELL
After many years of not drinking I still go to 4-6 meetings a week, many more the first 10 -15 years. Several reasons for this and one is that so often I need a reminder of some forgotten pearl someone said in the past I need to hear for the present.
A thing that in looking back helped many was/is getting and staying active IN the program.
Perhaps a couple all woman meetings sharing a week will bring new thinking processing and identification. The biggie is to hang on as it will get better if we let it, it takes time, that beloved word.
BE WELL
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
"My problem is, that I can never seem to hold on to that feeling of desperation."
this could be a lil of the problem. the gift of desperation got me to wanting to get sober. the gift of hope kept me doin what I had to do to get sober.
this could be a lil of the problem. the gift of desperation got me to wanting to get sober. the gift of hope kept me doin what I had to do to get sober.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
"Do I just need to keep coming back to meetings? "
has just been going to meetings worked? if not, then go to meetings and work the program.
meeting makers make meetings.
meeting makers that work the program recover from a seemingless hopeless state of mind.
has just been going to meetings worked? if not, then go to meetings and work the program.
meeting makers make meetings.
meeting makers that work the program recover from a seemingless hopeless state of mind.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Central America/Florida USA
Posts: 4,064
Nice work!
I think Dee mentioned something important above regarding making major life changes. Not just your routine ("i'm going to start going to the gym") but rather your entire social scene. If you're still clinging to the drinking crowd or friends that abuse alcohol, that's something you might want to avoid if possible. I think that when many of us think of "fun" we automatically think of a night out at the pubs with our friends...and that draws us back. Good luck to you with everything.
I think Dee mentioned something important above regarding making major life changes. Not just your routine ("i'm going to start going to the gym") but rather your entire social scene. If you're still clinging to the drinking crowd or friends that abuse alcohol, that's something you might want to avoid if possible. I think that when many of us think of "fun" we automatically think of a night out at the pubs with our friends...and that draws us back. Good luck to you with everything.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by Mrrryah1
I don't understand how other people seem to hold on to this feeling of desperation. Why can't I? What am I doing wrong?
It's not desperation that's keeping me sober. I'm not sober because I'm scared of drinking. I'm sober because I love my sober life. I'm sober because I've learned how to cope with those things that used to have me running to the bottle. I'm sober because I don't need to escape anything.
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