how to cope... No contact allowed with wife for 6 months.
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how to cope... No contact allowed with wife for 6 months.
Hey everyone, first time poster long time lurker. I wont get into the whole nitty gritty, but my wife of 2 1/2 years has just been admitted to inpatient rehab for a 3rd time for 6 months. Over the past year she's had about 11 months of sobriety with short relapses in between which is why she is in rehab a 3rd time. Over the past year I've seen a huge transformation in her though which is great!
Although I'm a little upset, this time around the rehab she will be in for the next six months is very strict. I cannot write her, I cannot talk on the phone, I cannot visit at all. She is allowed no male contact unless it is an immediate family member, and I was told husbands fall into "significant other" category. I'm a little blown away by this, and somewhat upset. I understand the point is to focus completely on her recovery. But what gets my goad is that she is allowed contact with her family, which are all very deeply afflicted alcoholics and drug addicts. I thought the point of this rule was to cut off contacts with the enablers in her life... which sad to say her parents were the biggest enablers of all time.
I've been pretty staunchly committed about not enabling her throughout our relationship. Actually I've been pretty hard on her. I always gave her the choice of what she wants to do but let her know ahead of time what my reaction would be. Which every-time she drank I would lock her out of the house, or even call the police on her because I refuse to tolerate belligerent behavior in the house. I've always encouraged her sobriety, I would even go to AA with her just so I could better learn to cope and understand her better and make our relationship stronger.
But she can freely communicate with her parents which are perpetually drunk by 10am, but not her non drinking non using husband. I am feeling pretty upset and I don't know how to cope with this 6 months of communication blackout. Any thoughts from the community?
Although I'm a little upset, this time around the rehab she will be in for the next six months is very strict. I cannot write her, I cannot talk on the phone, I cannot visit at all. She is allowed no male contact unless it is an immediate family member, and I was told husbands fall into "significant other" category. I'm a little blown away by this, and somewhat upset. I understand the point is to focus completely on her recovery. But what gets my goad is that she is allowed contact with her family, which are all very deeply afflicted alcoholics and drug addicts. I thought the point of this rule was to cut off contacts with the enablers in her life... which sad to say her parents were the biggest enablers of all time.
I've been pretty staunchly committed about not enabling her throughout our relationship. Actually I've been pretty hard on her. I always gave her the choice of what she wants to do but let her know ahead of time what my reaction would be. Which every-time she drank I would lock her out of the house, or even call the police on her because I refuse to tolerate belligerent behavior in the house. I've always encouraged her sobriety, I would even go to AA with her just so I could better learn to cope and understand her better and make our relationship stronger.
But she can freely communicate with her parents which are perpetually drunk by 10am, but not her non drinking non using husband. I am feeling pretty upset and I don't know how to cope with this 6 months of communication blackout. Any thoughts from the community?
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Southern US
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Just out of curiosity, computerdude, who told you this was the rule? Someone at the rehab or your AW? I have no experience with rehab so can't really comment on it though it sounds kind of strange to me, too.
That said, if I were in that position (spouse in rehab/no contact for 6 months), I would use the 6 months to really work on myself. Think of it as computerdude's 'rehab.' You mentioned attending AA with her... do you attend al-anon? If not, you may want to give it a try. It's been extremely helpful to me. Aside from that, the stickies at the top of the page are a great place to start reading, if you're so inclined. Welcome
That said, if I were in that position (spouse in rehab/no contact for 6 months), I would use the 6 months to really work on myself. Think of it as computerdude's 'rehab.' You mentioned attending AA with her... do you attend al-anon? If not, you may want to give it a try. It's been extremely helpful to me. Aside from that, the stickies at the top of the page are a great place to start reading, if you're so inclined. Welcome
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As someone in recovery from alcohol and drugs, coming up on 8 months of sobriety, I have to tell you that I haven't heard anything like this before. I did inpatient for a month and phone time was limited which was smart because it kept us focused.
6 months for alcohol sounds like a very long rehab, I've heard of it for heroin but not booze. It's not a sober living situation? Will she be working during this time? I am surprised by the duration, and the phone call situation sounds very different than anything I have heard here too.
A spouse is considered immediate family, I have never heard of husbands being called "SO's". Obviously she is already there but it sounds a bit odd.
I am sorry for the reason you are here but it is a wonderful and supportive community. Maybe you can use this time to focus on what you want out of your life? Glad you are here.
6 months for alcohol sounds like a very long rehab, I've heard of it for heroin but not booze. It's not a sober living situation? Will she be working during this time? I am surprised by the duration, and the phone call situation sounds very different than anything I have heard here too.
A spouse is considered immediate family, I have never heard of husbands being called "SO's". Obviously she is already there but it sounds a bit odd.
I am sorry for the reason you are here but it is a wonderful and supportive community. Maybe you can use this time to focus on what you want out of your life? Glad you are here.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Sounds like a no nonsense place. Hopefully your wife will work her program and succeed. This could also be a golden opportunity for you to work on yourself. Attending AA meetings with your wife is a nice way to be supportive of her recovery, but a better way might be for you to go to Alanon.
Enabling means different things. I didn't think I was an enabler either, but there are many different types of enabling. This article helped me to see that.
Games Alcoholic Families Play
Enabling means different things. I didn't think I was an enabler either, but there are many different types of enabling. This article helped me to see that.
Games Alcoholic Families Play
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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Is this court mandated? It sounds like a woman's program that I know of here. They are allowed no contact for six months other than immediate family, including a spouse. Not saying I agree, just saying that resembles a court ordered program here.
Good Luck!
Good Luck!
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Join Date: Feb 2014
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Well how she ended up there. About a year an a half ago I had her arrested for Domestic Violence. She was drunk and got physically violent. I called the police and pressed charges. At the time she refused she had a drinking problem. I asked the DA if giving her rehab instead of jail was an option if I pay for the treatment. She went for 3 months completed it, things were great for a few months then relapse happened. She got a drunk in public (probation violation) was sentenced to another rehab. She stayed for 2 months and left because she thought she was getting kicked out because she got a write up. Probation called me asking if she was back at our house and picked her up within 2 days. She spent 3 months in county before being transferred to this new program.
The judge wants to give her a chance at really cleaning up. And I'm all for that. She regrets running away from the last program, in fact she talks about it non stop. Most of her conversations she talks about sobriety and AA and what she was learning etc etc.. which is great, it's something she's never talked about before.
So the program she is in now is very much like the Salvation Army rehab. It's a thrift shop chain but the men and women are completely segregated even during work time, no interaction at all, no connected dorms (they aren't even remotely close). It's a 12 steps based program, and from what I've read it seems like a great program.
And I found out this was the rule because I wanted to write her a valentine's card... and was told by reception that was the policy.
The judge wants to give her a chance at really cleaning up. And I'm all for that. She regrets running away from the last program, in fact she talks about it non stop. Most of her conversations she talks about sobriety and AA and what she was learning etc etc.. which is great, it's something she's never talked about before.
So the program she is in now is very much like the Salvation Army rehab. It's a thrift shop chain but the men and women are completely segregated even during work time, no interaction at all, no connected dorms (they aren't even remotely close). It's a 12 steps based program, and from what I've read it seems like a great program.
And I found out this was the rule because I wanted to write her a valentine's card... and was told by reception that was the policy.
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Yup...same deal. I only know about this because I attend Celebrate Recovery and those girls are allowed to attend that program also, from what I understand it is the only time they leave and speak to others outside of the program and family at all. I do think it is a good program, one that is most likely just like any other one would be. If she chooses to work the program it will be successful, if not, it will fail just like the others. If she liked the other program so much she should have committed to it, now she has no choice.
The reason this rule is in place is b/c spouses and significant others are known for bringing in contraband and causing the person not to focus on themselves and their own recovery. I realize that is not the case for you, but as a whole it happens alot.
This rule is not going to be bent, so you may as well use this time to focus on you and set up strong boundaries for yourself. It sounds like you did the right thing. I would say if she ever does recover is is just for that reason, tough love.
The reason this rule is in place is b/c spouses and significant others are known for bringing in contraband and causing the person not to focus on themselves and their own recovery. I realize that is not the case for you, but as a whole it happens alot.
This rule is not going to be bent, so you may as well use this time to focus on you and set up strong boundaries for yourself. It sounds like you did the right thing. I would say if she ever does recover is is just for that reason, tough love.
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sure been one helluva lot of chaos for a 2.5 year marriage! drunk, locked out, arrested for DV, jail, rehab, drunk again, rehab....your head must be spinning.
what was she like when you MET her? seems like she's got some pretty serious issues that didn't just pop up in the past six months?
what was she like when you MET her? seems like she's got some pretty serious issues that didn't just pop up in the past six months?
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Originally Posted by hopeful4 
Yup...same deal. I only know about this because I attend Celebrate Recovery and those girls are allowed to attend that program also, from what I understand it is the only time they leave and speak to others outside of the program and family at all. I do think it is a good program, one that is most likely just like any other one would be. If she chooses to work the program it will be successful, if not, it will fail just like the others. If she liked the other program so much she should have committed to it, now she has no choice.
The reason this rule is in place is b/c spouses and significant others are known for bringing in contraband and causing the person not to focus on themselves and their own recovery. I realize that is not the case for you, but as a whole it happens alot.
This rule is not going to be bent, so you may as well use this time to focus on you and set up strong boundaries for yourself. It sounds like you did the right thing. I would say if she ever does recover is is just for that reason, tough love.
The reason this rule is in place is b/c spouses and significant others are known for bringing in contraband and causing the person not to focus on themselves and their own recovery. I realize that is not the case for you, but as a whole it happens alot.
This rule is not going to be bent, so you may as well use this time to focus on you and set up strong boundaries for yourself. It sounds like you did the right thing. I would say if she ever does recover is is just for that reason, tough love.
I understand exactly what you are saying. And I've realized this is probably the reason for the no communication. I guess I am just torn over the issue. I know this is the best thing for her, and I want so much for her to learn to completely love herself, which is something I know she does not fully know how to do, on top of that learn to kick this addiction which has plagued her for 9 years.
I guess my only beef really is how stict the rule is. Because as I said she can freely talk to her alcoholic / meth addicted parents, but not her sober husband. So having such a non flexible rule really is more of a disadvantage in my opinion considering the contact she is allowed to have seems more damaging than the contact she isn't allowed to have. No one size fits all though I guess right?
But it is what it is. I was attending Al-Anon for a while, I haven't been for a few months, maybe I need to go back to help me over this little hurdle.
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
sure been one helluva lot of chaos for a 2.5 year marriage! drunk, locked out, arrested for DV, jail, rehab, drunk again, rehab....your head must be spinning.
what was she like when you MET her? seems like she's got some pretty serious issues that didn't just pop up in the past six months?
what was she like when you MET her? seems like she's got some pretty serious issues that didn't just pop up in the past six months?
At the beginning I would enjoy a few beers or a couple glasses of wine like most people without a problem. It wasn't until after that I realized she had a problem that I stopped all alcoholic consumption in the house all together and took a hard stance against it.
But despite all that, she is still my wife, and I do take my vows seriously. I wasn't crossing my fingers when I said "i do" to "in sickness and in health". I am happy though as this past year her attitude has changed significantly. Relapses aside, she has changed a lot in a positive way.
I guess what helped me a lot is I stopped caring as much about the problems. As much as I want her sober, I did finally wake up and realize it's not my problem. Even though it affects me, I can only do so much and the rest is up to her. With that in mind I can live everyday without feeling completely burdened. The no contact deal for 6 months however is a little hard on me. But I know I will survive, and if she recovers and hasn't had a change of mind I'm sure our marriage will be stronger. It doesn't make things easy right now, but what can I do really? Not a damn thing I guess.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
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hmmm.
No kids, right?
Things one could do in 6 months with no contact . . .
1. Sell the house.
2. Leave no forwarding address and delete or misdirect all records.
3. Move far, far, far away from crazy land.
4. Go Be Happy.
Just musing and pondering.
Hey -- a girl have a dream, no?
No kids, right?
Things one could do in 6 months with no contact . . .
1. Sell the house.
2. Leave no forwarding address and delete or misdirect all records.
3. Move far, far, far away from crazy land.
4. Go Be Happy.
Just musing and pondering.
Hey -- a girl have a dream, no?
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Computerdude----I hear your frustration....no doubt, this will take some getting used to. On the other side.....consider that the universe has presented you with an opportunity.....a GOLDEN opportunity to focus on yourself and see how you fit into the bigger picture. You say that the "problem" became fully manifest after marriage. There is nothing like an intimate relationship to bring an addiction (or any personal issue) to full blossom. As surely as the stars come out at night---you are playing into this picture like a hand in glove. I don't know exactly how......?Knight in shining armour.....parent/child type relationship.....and, you probably don't know exactly how.....but, I would bet my inheritance that you have a part in this dance, somewhere.
If i am correct, or not, in this---now is the chance to find out. Knowledge is power. This knowledge can make the difference in how the whole scenario plays out down the line.
I realize that you might not relish what I am saying. I do sincerely wish to be of help to you all. If I have pissed you off---then, please excuse me. I am offering it just as food for your thought.
sincerely,
dandylion
If i am correct, or not, in this---now is the chance to find out. Knowledge is power. This knowledge can make the difference in how the whole scenario plays out down the line.
I realize that you might not relish what I am saying. I do sincerely wish to be of help to you all. If I have pissed you off---then, please excuse me. I am offering it just as food for your thought.
sincerely,
dandylion
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
If it's six months no contact, after abuse and legal issues, that's your call to recognize this is serious. It's very, very serious. It's life and death for your wife.
She can talk to her addicted parents, but not her codependent husband. Well, I don't know. That seems weird to me, since you're the one that has legal ties to her via marriage where they do not. I question the legality of the rule, but whatever. Do recognize that a big part of her problem today is big problems with them yesterday. She's going to have to cope with having meth addicted parents whether or not she's sober and whether or not she's married. That's heavy stuff.
She can talk to her addicted parents, but not her codependent husband. Well, I don't know. That seems weird to me, since you're the one that has legal ties to her via marriage where they do not. I question the legality of the rule, but whatever. Do recognize that a big part of her problem today is big problems with them yesterday. She's going to have to cope with having meth addicted parents whether or not she's sober and whether or not she's married. That's heavy stuff.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Broke down twice, now in the shop for 6 Months?
Speaking of Law . . . I am thinking there ought to be a Lemon Law in this domain . . .
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Lemon law - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Lemon laws are American state laws that provide a remedy for purchasers of cars and other consumer goods in order to compensate for products that repeatedly fail to meet standards of quality and performance. Although there may be defective products of all sorts ranging from small electrical appliances to huge pieces of machinery, and there is even a "puppy lemon law," the term "lemon" is generally thought of as applying to defective vehicles such as automobiles, trucks, SUV's, motorcycles, etc.
[more]
Speaking of Law . . . I am thinking there ought to be a Lemon Law in this domain . . .
==================
Lemon law - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Lemon laws are American state laws that provide a remedy for purchasers of cars and other consumer goods in order to compensate for products that repeatedly fail to meet standards of quality and performance. Although there may be defective products of all sorts ranging from small electrical appliances to huge pieces of machinery, and there is even a "puppy lemon law," the term "lemon" is generally thought of as applying to defective vehicles such as automobiles, trucks, SUV's, motorcycles, etc.
[more]
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