kkallday21

I actually found this forum by the help of Google.. I guess like everyone else we try and do whatever we can to understand our disease and how being with an addict has affected us and our lives.. So thank you Google for providing me with another tool 

I also just ended a relationship recently and have been feeling guilty about it. I found Alanon years ago, when I realized my life was unmanageable and dealing with my son’s father (my first qualifier) was all just too much for me anymore.. I became crazy and infected. Unfortunately I didn’t find out about Alanon until 8 long years after of dealing with the insanity.. The best way to describe it is an emotional rollercoaster and that is exactly what it was and I was just hanging on for dear life.. Finally the program helped me to move on from that relationship and accept that I could not fix him or his addiction.. I did everything possible to try.. I lost myself, my self-esteem, my sanity and much more… I was so grateful to find people who understood everything I was going through… Who didn’t look at me like I was crazy and accepted me and did not judge me.. No matter what I said, how much I cried or how crazy I acted, the people in the program always made me feel loved. I don’t come from a family of addiction, so since I have a tendency to attract people with addictive behaviors it was very hard for me to feel accepted in my own family… My parents couldn’t understand why I would choose that lifestyle and to be honest I don’t know why either? What I do know now is that I am sick and I have been affected with the disease of addiction. On top of that I am seriously co-dependent… Shocking! lol I stopped Alanon once I thought I was healed from my first relationship… Bad move on my part, but it’s progress not perfection, right?! I started Alanon again a few months ago due to another addictive relationship I signed up for and dealt with a lot of the same craziness and patterns.. This time around, I was able to notice my growth from working the program and realized that I was handling things differently… My “new” qualifier has been sober for almost 2 months, but since his relapse, I have not been ok.. I have been dealing with a lot of old stuff from the past and have been extremely confused.. “Like how did I end up here again?” Of course I can answer that- it’s because I made the choice to go there again… Finally after a lot of back and forth thinking I decided I want out.. It’s not going to be an easy process, and I’m feeling a lot of guilt, but I have to do this if I want a better life.. Obviously I’m still sick and 2 unhealthy people cannot build a healthy relationship… I’m a single mom and a good one at that and my son is old enough to know now what is going on.. I also have to be stable for him so that he stays on the right track... I guess this break up would make me feel less guilty if he was doing bad, etc., but that’s not healthy thinking either.. So here I am again in recovery… This time I’m sticking with it and hope to rebuild a wonderful, loving relationship with myself.

AnvilheadII

! i know you say you are "back" in recovery now, but it sure sounds like a lotta that recovery STUFF stuck with ya and carried you through!

thankfully, relationships don't have to be disastrous in order to end them. the pain does not have to get unbearable BEFORE we can leave. nor must we exist on the scorched earth of Armageddon! you don't have to feel GUILT for wanting out....that is always your RIGHT....to stay or go. we don't need a laundry list of reasons, nor must we mount a defense. we can simply be done and set ourselves and the other free.

your son has a really good mom, who puts HIS needs first. and knows how to take care of herself by reaching, getting back to meetings, admitting when things are out of control.

kkallday21

Thank you so much for the support.. I was surprised myself with how much of the program stuck with me.. I’m not one to compliment myself often, but it felt really good to actually see the growth.. It’s amazing how much the program really works if you work it… I have come a long way, but know that there is much more to go and eventually I will get there one day at a time  As for the guilt, it’s something that gets me into situations like this often… Doing things I really don’t want to do just to make others happy.. I’m a People Pleaser!! I know that is one of my main weaknesses. This time around I am aware and will be doing everything in my power to keep the focus on where I know I can truly get the results I am looking for- on myself.