rcutch

That is the best phrase I can use to describe myself at this moment. I can't even identify the emotions - but the just come slamming in, and peacefully roll back out.

My AH was arrested on Friday for failing to take his court ordered drug tests. I posted a few weeks ago that I was done holding on to him - and for the most part I stuck to that. We continued our life together - but I was not wrapped up in his world. I did what I needed to do and kept moving on. He received part of an inheritance from his dad and deposited it all in my bank account. When he asked for money I gave it to him - as it was his - but first and for most - I took care of all our past bills. I still have a nice size remaining, and don't need to worry about finances while he is in jail. His probation officer said they are looking at sending him to rehab, but that he won't be coming home anytime soon. He called Friday when he was arrested, but I was not nice and he hung up. I have not heard from him since. I had to pick up his car from where he was arrested, and I found heroin in it. That has been turned into the police and they will pursue it from here.

I am happy that I haven't heard from him, and yet I am sad. I'm ok with the fact that I turned his drugs in, yet I have anxiety. I love the peace we have in the house with him gone, and yet I miss him. The emotions just hit me and I pray. I am pretty involved in my church and I asked a few men from the church to pray for him, and if they felt compelled, to please visit him, but I will not. That was a condition I always gave him - if he ended up in jail he would not see his children or me - no child should have to go to jail to visit their dad. I have no problem sticking to that one.

Just really needed to post somewhere, as those who aren't in this situation do not understand the internal conflict. I plan on hitting a meeting tonight - but appreciate that this is a very safe place to share my journey.

AnvilheadII

when the going gets tough, the tough get tougher. you sound very sure in the midst of the turmoil. you have your boundaries, you know what you WILL do and what you will NOT. been a bumpy road, but you will be ok!!!

Txhelp

I understand the mixed emotions....

Take care of you as you have begun your journey into self help already. I can hear it through your post. It's a journey and not a destination.

Glad you are reaching out for support! We all need someone to lean on.

hopeful4

I understand the tides of emoations. You have to put your children and what is best for them first. Do not feel guilt.

I read that an addict needs consequences if they are ever to recover. If we remove those consequences for them over and over they have no chance of recovery at all. I think this goes to say even more so with an H addiction as it is so so hard to beat. Your children don't need that sort of addiction in their lives.

Good Luck and God Bless. You did the right thing.

charliesangel23

What you wrote was like you were pulling the thoughts right out of my head. My mind knows what I am dealing with, my heart feels different. He too got arrested, for violating my restraining order. When I went to pick up his truck, I found a bag of crack. I have never seen a hard drug in my life, and there I was holding it in my hands.
My job as a mother is to protect my children, yet I never thought I would have to protect them from their father.
I am terrified of the unknown, we have no stability and this is no way to live for me or my kids.
So when my thoughts tend to go to the love/feel bad for him side, I am trying to remind myself of that fact. If I do not hold strong to the decisions I have made we at at risk of stepping backwards down the road to the path of a better life.
If my AH finds his way in the meantime I can revaluate then. But for now, life with an addict is no life. And you and your children deserve a great one!
Stay Strong!!

rcutch

AH just called and I needed to answer, as I need him to sign papers for a family issue. He spent the entire conversation trying to manipulate me. I was so happy that I could see it and not engage in it - yet so sad, he's just not done yet. The entire conversation was spent telling me how all of this is my fault. I simply kept asking him if he would meet with the attorney and sign what papers I needed him to sign. When I didn't respond to his ridiculous conversation he ended up hanging up. More emotions - but I'm still holding on.

hopeful4

Keep on holding on. Stick to your boundaries for you. He is just quacking away...let him do it. Does not matter what he says, just actions.