ellaj

Some people just naturally thrive on drama, I think. Husband is doing well with job, involved with meetings, he and I are up and down sometimes silent treatment for no reason sometimes chatty can't figure it out but things are relatively calm = no excitement of screaming yelling something to fight about or tension. I think he needs that. Out of the blue he brought up a heated subject with our daughter and blasted her with intolerance for no reason. They are both very stubborn and don't back down but it comes out of left field. She is very liberal, he is very conservative. They clash on almost everything. But why pick a fight? I see this pattern with him, everything going calmly along then bam! He blows it out of the water almost to create trouble. Why?? Is this a personality thing or is this an alcoholic thing? Just needed to get it out. Thanks for listening.

Hammer

My bet is a Personality Thing. More Specifically a Personality Disorder Thing. A Mental Health issue.

But you do not really know until they are dried out some.

There are a few Personality Disorder type problems that track along under the radar with Alcoholism and Addictions. But once you get what is there -- it becomes pretty obvious.

Since cleaning the Drama out is your interest (is that correct? Not your Drama, and you would just as soon not have it about?) here is a decent clean-up manual for that task:

Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life,
Margalis Fjelstad (Author)

Robot Check

Katiekate

Maybe it's a I can take it out on my daughter thing.

AnvilheadII

stirring the pot to keep it interesting....keep everybody off balance....let everybody know whose DA BOSS. could be leftover from the addict days....pick a fight so they have an excuse to stomp off and go get loaded. addicts/alcoholics in early recovery don't quit know what to DO with themselves half the time...used to be - drink, think about drinking, think about when they can next drink, think about why did they drink so much last nite, etc. in a sense, they had a purpose, a central driving force.

my now ex talked about early recovery....he'd be at work and sort of "come to" with a screwdriver in his hand and wonder...was he GOING somewhere to use that screwdriver, and if so, WHERE? was he coming FROM some place that he had just used it and returning it to his tool box?

now, is his behavior acceptable? doesn't sound like it. have you addressed this with him at all?

BlueSkies1

Well if he's bullying her because they have differing viewpoints, that's a little different than if he is just sparring with the opposite side of the political spectrum, which is fair. Sounds like there is some bullying going on.

I think it's a personality thing that with him was part of the reason he became an alcoholic in the first place.

How's the daughter taking it? She might be stubborn too, but it can and will affect her underneath if he's bullying.

ellaj

Hammer, I hadn't considered personality disorder yet. Very interesting, very well could be and I will definitely look further into that. Thanks for the book referral.

Katie, she is the only one who really spars with him. I don't engage in his arguments because I don't like confrontations. She fuels his fire and because neither of them back down or ever admit that they're wrong it usually ends up with both of them angry and feeling like no one won.

AnvilheadII, sounds like you're right on the money. He does like to assert himself as "I'm DA BOSS" and kind of forces the issue with our daughter "under my house my rules, do as I say not as I do" kind of thing. I haven't addressed this incident with him yet but we have had discussions about past behavior and things he has said while drinking that were absolutely not acceptable and bullying. He has taken steps in the last few months to give positive reinforcement of I love you I'm proud of you, but she remembers all of the bullying and ugly words he had for all of us while he was drinking and the sting hasn't gone away yet. So their relationship especially is very fragile.

(BlueSkies1) Yes he has always been a bully, more than just having a different viewpoint. Sadly, she doesn't intend to have any relationship with him once she's out of the house.

LifeRecovery

Ellaj-

Something I learned very recently is that not everyone is as upset by confrontation as I am.

My brother and I grew up in the same house with lots of yelling from my dad. My coping was to try to not make him yell. My brothers was to get right there in with him on it and yell like crazy.

I get pretty frozen around confrontation (or I used to....I still don't like it). I asked my brother the other day what he thought of our childhood....he thought he got away with murder. The fighting did not phase him at all. That was a big learning curve for me.

It sounds like this IS an issue for your daughter from your last post but that was so fresh in my mind I wanted to make sure I at least got it down.

Yurt

Ellaj,

My AH has very similar interactions with our daughter. However, it has escalated since he realizes that I won't play the game with him. He literally turns on her when I either respond in a manner to shut him down, or if I don't respond at all. She is brilliant, and is on track to earn some excellent scholarships within the next two years (she is a junior in HS). So what does he say to her? That she is a failure (for not cleaning her room to his satisfaction), and that she had better apply to fast food restaurants because that is all she is capable of working in. I see it as mostly an alcoholic response, as he rarely acts this way in the mornings (the only time he does not drink) For the time being, I have been making sure that I am always close when I know she will be home in the evenings, and jump in when things get too far out of hand. Several times he has threatened to revoke her driving privileges, or refuse to let her go to school when he does not get a response from her that he considers adequate. I am just biding time until I am able move DD and myself from the home, which I am considering this summer. I can usually tell when an episode is coming on...the sneer, the cutting comments to me, and then when the switch is flipped, full on crazy. The next morning, he is either contrite, or acts as if it never happened. He has told me that "my perception is wrong", or that I did not hear him correctly. He never admits that he is hurtful. He also does not admit to a drinking problem. OY. As I read this, I am reminded about how much I hate my home life at the moment.

JustAGirl1971

Ellaj, this is the exact thing that drove my 15 yr old ds out of our house. In the months before ds moved out, AH was increasingly moody, sarcastic, and intolerant. I thought he was depressed... did not realize how much he was drinking. It usually wasn't that AH didn't have some reason to be upset but he'd blow the incident out of proportion. A sarcastic comment or eyeroll would result in a 10 minute tirade about disrespect (never mind that AH is the king of eyerolls and sarcasm.) If dd was 5 minutes late meeting him when he picked her up from the mall, he'd accuse her of joyriding with boys and then ground her for 3 months. Things were extremely stressful for all of us. On the day that ds moved out, AH & ds had an argument. DS admits that he was disrespectful to AH (hung up on him.) But, AH's reaction was way over the top and, according to ds, included threats of physical abuse. I wasn't present but the things ds said AH said/did were not totally out of character for AH. End result is that DS moved out of our home. He has been living with my parents ever since. AH is moving out this weekend and ds will come home next week.

I know this sounds extreme. I'm only sharing it because I think we don't realize exactly how it affects our kids until the damage is done. Just because we haven't reached our end limit/breaking point, does not mean our children haven't met theirs! Truth is, my ds is an incredibly brave, smart kid. He knew the environment wasn't healthy and he needed out. He took action to protect himself when I could not/would not. I will forever regret that I did not protect ds and he had to do it himself. It was not his responsibility. It was mine.

Mountainmanbob

seems alcoholics either sober or drunk act like this at times

until they get some real recovery time under their belts

takes work to let go of some old thinking

Mountainman