xenia

My husband is an alcoholic and I don't know what to do. We've been married almost 20 years and he plays in an amateur billiards competition league and obviously all the meets are at a bar, because the local bars sponsor the league. He's at practice or meets 2-4 nights a week, some of those meets are "day-long" "drop in tournaments" that last 10-12 hours. So he's always near alcohol.

He vacillates between admitting his alcoholism, then starts to back-pedal and say that since he's "not craving" alcohol or doesn't wake up and start drinking, that he isn't an alcoholic. He self-medicates his depression with alcohol and while it gives him a brief "high," he comes down and comes down hard.

His behavior is getting to the point where it's a matter of the odds something bad is going to happen to him (never mind how it's hurt me, causing anxiety, fear, insomnia, panic attacks, having to pick him up and him being so drunk he doesn't recognize me, coming home and saying he wants to kill himself or that he hates himself, leaving me waiting hours until he's "done" for the night, sometimes not coming in until 3 or 4am), like getting a DUI, hurting someone or himself driving, losing his job, getting sick, etc.

I have a progressive disease that will likely cause me to die before "old age" and I have that to contend with on a daily basis, and am often sick and in the hospital. So waiting up all night, worried about him, arguing when he comes home drunk, having insomnia once he gets home because I've been freaking out all night, not being able to sleep because he's passed out and snoring in bed, while trying to cope with my own physical illness and depression ends up making my life a lot, lot harder.

I know I'm codependent but I am seriously looking into options on where to live, getting insurance, etc., should I finally get the guts to stop letting him pull me down. I love him, but I can't handle living like this anymore. The bigger issue is that I am on disability due to my illness and make very little money, need a place with proper air-conditioning and a clean environment for my lung disease, need help getting to my many doctor appointments, etc., so getting a safe, sanitary place and being able to afford my medications (retail about $25,000 a month, thankful for insurance right now), hospitalizations, food, etc. is a tough process.

There is so much to the story, like probably everyone else here, but I am really struggling at the moment. It's a roller coaster that I am afraid I will never get off. I am looking into Al-Anon meetings but today he took my SUV to work since it snowed, and I can't drive his car because I don't know how to drive a hybrid, so I can't get out to a meeting today.

So...I am stuck. Mentally physically, financially...my soul is dying inside and I don't know how to save myself.

honeypig

xenia, maybe look into one of these electronic meetings, since you can't get out of the house. http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/electronic-meetings

Also, Amazon is a great source for Alanon literature, much of it extremely reasonably priced, especially if you buy used. Your library may have some available too.

Wishing you strength and clarity--finding support for yourself and educating yourself are great first steps!

hopeful4

First off, welcome to SR. This is a great place to come for online support.

I am so sorry you have an illness yourself. I would recommend contacting any local medical centers who help provide medical care to those in poverty. There is one here and most communities have one. Tell them you expect you may lose your insurance and want to know what options you may have. I know during college when we had very low money, they were able to get us Rx assistance so my husband got his meds that he had no insurance for at very little (and I mean $1) or no cost at all. They took care of all of the paperwork, it was a wonderful program. We still send out kids there even though we have insurance and can pay, we do so because they are wonderful people. Don't assume you will get low budget care just because the cost is low.

Can you look into Celebrate Recovery? It is alot like alanon only backed up with scripture. I have been going for a long time and have given rides to people before that could not make it b/c they had no transportation. It was a nice way to get to know these people too.

I had an anxiety attack on Friday due to inability to handle my husband's behavior. It is all you said, anxiety, depression, pure and raw FEAR of the future. I thought I was doing well in detatching, I think I was stuffing those emoations really, and it all came out. What they told me scared me, I was almost admitted to the hospital. They told me I am going to cause myself either a stroke or a heart attack with this sort of stress in my life. It cannot go on for my own health and sanity. I deserve more.

It is baby steps. Set up small term goals you can meet. Draw boundaries for yourself that you are able to keep. Get yourself to a better place a little at a time.

Keep posting, you are absolutely not alone. SR is great and we will walk this with you!

xenia

Thank you for the kind words. I am in the process of learning about personal boundaries.

I am currently looking into online AlAnon meetings. Thank you for the link!

I am trying very hard to make this journey about moving forward. What that looks like on the other side, I do not know. I'm scared. Petrified, really. Sometimes I wonder if he needs a wake-up call but then co-dependent me doesn't want him to hate himself any more than he does, to feel publicly embarrassed, etc. Then again, whatever it takes for him to make a serious commitment to recovery??

So, so much to think about.

SparkleKitty

[QUOTE=xenia;4463788I am trying very hard to make this journey about moving forward. What that looks like on the other side, I do not know. I'm scared. Petrified, really. Sometimes I wonder if he needs a wake-up call but then co-dependent me doesn't want him to hate himself any more than he does, to feel publicly embarrassed, etc. Then again, whatever it takes for him to make a serious commitment to recovery?? .[/QUOTE]

Gently, xenia, I suggest that you try to lay aside any concern about what you can do to convince him to seek recovery or to protect him from harm and rather turn that energy towards taking care of yourself. You cannot control either his addiction or his recovery, and you will only neglect yourself if you try. Then everyone's looking out for him, and no one's looking out for you. Sending you strength and courage.

Mango blast

One day at a time. One step at a time. The best thing you can do for yourself is start on your own recovery and keep working it daily.

I spent many years worrying about my husband. I made calls to find out about treatment options, insurance coverage, how to get him into detox/treatment/etc. I researched how alcohol affects and destroys all the different parts of the body and soul, tried to get him to see how he was hurting himself and us, all with no changes except for his alcoholism to continually progressively get worse. It's a chronic physical disease that no amount of my research, reasoning or pleading can cure. During my recovery I learned to be honest with him about these things without expectations or playing games. I just no longer ignored it and took the blinders off.

Even visits to the trauma unit for severe injuries only temporarily interrupted the drinking -- and a two month dry period that he did on his own was followed up by a bender, another injury, two weeks of being dry and then back to drinking. Being dry doesn't solve anything. There's a lot more to it than that.

Being at the bar for billiards isn't the problem, it's a symptom.

The three very important C's: you did not CAUSE it, you cannot CONTROL it, and you cannot CURE it.

All the calls I made on his behalf didn't work because I cannot do it for him. Finally, I made a call for myself. *I* needed help and I was finally asking for it for me. I needed to let other people deal with him, because I was powerless over this. I needed to turn it over to others. As a result, we wound up in the best case scenario: his boss and manager had been through this with others before and knew he needed inpatient treatment. (codependent me still thought "if only he'd go to AA") He had the decision to make on whether to accept their offer or quit his job. Even that was a bumpy road, but he went. During family week I learned that it doesn't matter whether an alcoholic/addict goes willingly or not, just that they make it there. It's up to them whether or not they use the tools they learn there, but at least they're learning them. Some people that his boss has offered this to have quit their jobs rather than face getting help. I was making plans for myself if that would have been the case. Don't let the fear of the unknown stop you from getting the help you need.

You can't force him to it. Turn it over to others to deal with him. Those best to do that are those who've been through it. He may not accept help, but either way, let them deal with that. I had previously turned to friends or family thinking maybe they could help, but even those who saw the problem didn't have a clue about helping him.

My codependency and the stress of living with alcoholism in my life made all of my own health issues much worse. Stress and codependency do that. My thinking is screwed up, my brain doesn't work quite right with some things yet, my body is still recovering. At family week in rehab I finally realized that I throw myself under the bus constantly. I don't feel worthy. I can't work at much as my husband, I'm not as fun as he is, I often even have a hard time getting through the day with normal tasks being left undone. He hasn't done that to me -- I have. Now I am finally rejoicing at the small things in life and what I can do. I am healing, and I realize I am worthy JUST AS I AM.

YOU are worthy of a having a good life, whether your husband is drinking or not. That is what your recovery is about. (((hugs)))

xenia

Thank you!

I agree, to all you've said. I am working on getting these sayings onto paper so I can stick them around my house. I find that doing this sort of thing helps remind me when I'm away from my computer. I also record and email myself affirmations to help me get through the tough days and tougher nights.

I might take a picture of the signs I make myself (I already have a couple that are unrelated to spouse's A, that help me). Words mean so much to me, which is why when my A spouse says one thing and does another, it hurts so much.

Thanks again.