EverySngleNight

I was laying in bed this AM just feeling kind of blah. I feel blah a lot. I feel agitated pretty frequently. I feel very low energy/unmotivated. I'm like a lump on a log. My sleep is difficult. I feel spacey. I'm forgetful. My mind is kind of all over the place- it's trippin'. It's very frustrating.

I'm sober. Isn't it supposed to feel better than this? I'm over a coupla' months in already. It's enough to make someone want to give up.

I'm a poster-child for Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome. This could go on for a while longer, and I know it. The doctors tell me that I'm okay, and that this is normal. It's not easy, but I'm doing it.

I'm doing it because I want my life to be better. I want my health to be better. But guess what? I didn't get here overnight, and it's not going to get better overnight. That's why I'm writing today...

I want those of you who may also be struggling to know you aren't alone!! I know we hear a lot of stories about how grand life is for others when they quit drinking. We wonder why they feel so great and we feel so crappy. Usually, those people have been sober a lot longer than us. It takes TIME.

So, while I was laying there feeling all blah, and hating myself for it- somehow, my crazy trippin' brain, spewing it's usual chatter and nonsense- managed to spit out a tiny pearl of wisdom... "It's okay, I'm in early recovery. Go easy. It will get better, but it's going to take time. Don't give up!" I figured I'd share since there are no guarantees that I'll have any other productive thoughts today. LOL!
(That's okay, I'm in early recovery.)

Stay strong!

Mountainmanbob

our bodies and minds try to deceive us into thinking
that it would just be easier to return to the bottle
but truly
that will only add more pain in the end
once we have some good quality sober time
we think much different about the drink
today I refer to it as the liquid devil

Mountainman

SoberMama13

Thanks for the reminder, ESN!!!

EverySngleNight

Thanks MMB. I've been pretty tough this time around. I'm really focused on my recovery and I'm following all of the instructions. :-) It has been surprising to be this far in- and to feel that feeling- "This is SO hard! Remind me why I quit again?" (I don't think I'm alone in that.) It's scary too. It's an especially slippery and difficult phase, requiring serious caution. But I SEE it. That, in itself is an improvement.

In a way, I'm glad to be having this experience. I see it for what it is. I understand (somewhat) what my body and mind are going through. I know it will get better. TIME.

It's not all unicorns and rainbows, and as much as I have felt like giving up- I haven't. That's the big takeaway for me right now... It's okay that it's hard. It's okay to feel like giving up, and to be honest about it. It doesn't mean I'm going to give up, and it doesn't mean that I'm failing. I think the honesty is a good sign. If I'm wobbly, I'm not afraid to admit it. I'm in early recovery and it's okay.

It IS THE LIQUID DEVIL.

SoberLife2014

Thank you for this ESN. This post has made me realize that I don't even have a year in recovery and I need to remember to give it time. I've had so many ups and downs and downs and ups and sideways and chatter and arguments and a relapse here and there and blah blah blah. I get frustrated and a little hopeless at times. But you're right, this didn't happen over night and things will get better. As they say in AA "easy does it".

escapist

You are great! In the midst of your pain you reach out to others with compassion and support. You are healing beautifully. Thank you for being so thoughtful of us. Sobriety is working wonderfully for you!

ClearMind

Exactly. It's our AV trying to deceive us. Early recovery is difficult, but the only other alternative to "early recovery" is "advanced alcoholism" for many of us (myself included). When we think of it in this light, then it's really not much of a choice at all.

EverySngleNight

Aww!! That's SO sweet. TY!

Thanks to all you guys. I'm really happy to read that you're finding it helpful.

serious

improving diet and adding exercise had helped me to speed up the healing process.

i feel blah a lot of times as well... i honestly don't think it's PAWS (i think the term is overrated). maybe there are just tough times that we are dealing with? internal pressure?
overthinking? i tend to finding a way to be honest with myself about "why do i feel that way?" is also helpful.

but it's great that you are sober and you are healing. getting stronger and stronger each day.

seeks

You are not alone I just committed to giving up booze for good and am on day 2. Woke up today with a very loud AV and negative thoughts. Thank you for sharing!

freethinking

Great post! More days than not, I struggle and battle with the AV in my head. This was a great reminder that all of us in early recovery experience the same sh*tty days sometimes, and we're not alone in that. In fact, it's normal.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

least

It does get better with time. Keep at it. It's worth the effort.

EverySngleNight

Just a quick comment about PAWS... I only recently took on the task of learning more about it. It's not something I remember experiencing symptoms of in the past- so I never really bothered with it.

What led me to looking into it... You know how when you're hungover, & your brain is all whacky? You don't have a lot of control of your thoughts, and things are kinda' "trippy"? It's sorta like a carnival is going on... Yeah.. Hard to describe. You're either gonna know what I mean, or you're not. LOL!! (for your sake, I hope not. ;-))

WELL- ^that's what it's like. It's bizarre (even for me). To start having that experience after a couple of mos sober- was surprising! My Doc's put PAWS on my radar when I described my symptoms. Perhaps it's overused? I'm not really sure, because I'm only recently educated on anything more than the term itself... But, I was told that it is common. Which is weird- because there isn't a ton of info out there!

It can take a WHILE for things to improve (paws or no paws), from what I've read. That's very frustrating. But, it's okay. Drinking certainly won't HELP anything. I've got to do this for the long haul. The difficulties with early sobriety just ARE... It feels good to be honest about that, and STILL not drink over it. :-) Thx guys!

If anyone has some good resources on PAWS- by all means post!

gleefan

I really appreciate your post and reaching out to all of the rest of us. Eloquent and accurate of the head trippy feelings of early recovery.

Ruby2

Hi ESN. Thanks for posting this. I'm about where you are at in sober time and getting up in the morning has hurt the past couple of weeks. Just super depressed. Gets better once i move around. I'm not alone and thanks. I am trying to blame it all on the weather but that is only part of it.

seeks

So I'm not alone with this?!? Mornings seem to be the worst for me unless I jump out of bed and get a hard workout in. After that I usually have a better outlook and confidence in myself. Thank you for sharing!

Finnie

I'm with you. Day 40 and am super depressed. I think I'm having a mid life crisis! I feel like I'm driving 10 mph in a Ferrari. I want to open it up but every time I do I wobble and get fear and a voice saying slow down.

Best of luck to everyone and stick with it.

Dee74

I thought for a long time that I must be doing things wrong because I thought getting sober was meant to solve everything.

It doesn't - but it is a door for us to go through to something better.

I was expecting sobriety to build me a new life - but all it did was give me the raw materials and the tools.

The building was up to me. The timetable for that building is too

D

EverySngleNight

It's so easy to forget to be patient with ourselves early on.

@Finnie- I know what you mean by midlife crisis. LOL Remember back in the day when men had midlife crises? Sports car, ponytail, earring... People don't really do that anymore. I was talking to my husband about it.... We think since people wait longer nowadays to marry and have kids, they're less prone to the "classic" MLC. That's not to say it doesn't happen though!! Maybe just not in the same cliche way as before. I'm in a "Who am I?" "What have I done/am I doing with my life?" "Holy crap. I'm mortal? I'm dying?!? AHHH!"-phase.

Yes- maybe a bit in the "first world problems" category- I know. And it's all been brought on through the lack of numbing myself with booze. Learning how to cope with discomfort, uncertainty, and fear- without alcohol. Anyone who has been using for a long time/since a really young age can appreciate the difficulty in that, I'm sure.

It IS hard. Early sobriety is painful and difficult. It really can suck at times. And that's totally okay IMO. It's okay to acknowledge it too! Honestly, I can't get the help that I need -when I need it- if I don't fess up and let people know when it's getting tough, or if I'm having a hard time. It's tempting to do the whole "I'm fine." bs all the time. I sometimes think that's what people expect from me, or that I'm letting them down somehow if I'm not 100% "okay" all of the time. REALLY?? Where does that leave me? Nowhere good...

I want to add- Even though it's feels very difficult at times, and it may not always be all ponies and buttercups, I DO have the strength to get through this- and I KNOW my life will be/is better off for it. <---will be repeating this affirmation! LOL

We can do this!!

Saliena

Great post ESN. I am not in early recovery I have 2 years and 3 months. But, I will tell you even now I have days where I wake up and feel like banging my head against the wall and then turn over and go back to bed. Life is life it doesn't make any promises. We are going to have our ups and downs. The thing we have now is the ability to really focus on what is important and to build ourselves into the people we want to be.

Great post!