I miss my ex - newcomer :(
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Milwaukee, ILL
Posts: 3
I miss my ex - newcomer :(
Hi,
I dated a man for 3 years that I can't seem to shake since we stopped speaking. He was an ex heroin addict and told me he was over it when we met but as our friendship/love grew, found out he is easily persuaded by hustlers, experimentation and drinks very, very heavily.
My heart is broken, even after a year.
I had no issues with pot and alcohol as he said that's all he did when I met him.
I know it is hard for him when he stopped heroin, and was very aware he was damaged by all of this but the more I cared, the more he seemed distant. Perhaps it made me clingy, but I'm not a clingy person. I just worried about him, that's all, just love for someone I guess. It's changed me from being optimistic to questioning and afraid to move on.
Does anyone have thoughts on how to get over this insecure feeling? We had much in common except addiction. It still hurts badly, I see light more and more, but on down days, he is still in my thoughts because we both agreed we had 2 years that were the best years of our lives. He of course has a heart! It just got hooked on other things along with love. It hurts so bad sometimes.
Please help if you can, anything would be appreciated, I think I came to the right place,
Shayleen
I dated a man for 3 years that I can't seem to shake since we stopped speaking. He was an ex heroin addict and told me he was over it when we met but as our friendship/love grew, found out he is easily persuaded by hustlers, experimentation and drinks very, very heavily.
My heart is broken, even after a year.
I had no issues with pot and alcohol as he said that's all he did when I met him.
I know it is hard for him when he stopped heroin, and was very aware he was damaged by all of this but the more I cared, the more he seemed distant. Perhaps it made me clingy, but I'm not a clingy person. I just worried about him, that's all, just love for someone I guess. It's changed me from being optimistic to questioning and afraid to move on.
Does anyone have thoughts on how to get over this insecure feeling? We had much in common except addiction. It still hurts badly, I see light more and more, but on down days, he is still in my thoughts because we both agreed we had 2 years that were the best years of our lives. He of course has a heart! It just got hooked on other things along with love. It hurts so bad sometimes.
Please help if you can, anything would be appreciated, I think I came to the right place,
Shayleen
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Mid-Atlantic
Posts: 552
Welcome Shayleen. It sounds like you have a broken heart. :-( I don't know anyone who hasn't had a broken heart at some point in time. It's okay to be sad. You may be sad for a while still. But, it will get better. Be patient with yourself. Take a little extra time for self-care too. Little things like that, can go a long way while mending a broken heart. They won't hurt sobriety either.
Sending my best.
Sending my best.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by Shayleen 
Please help if you can, anything would be appreciated
Shayleen
Shayleen
when I was single years ago I attended one on Friday evenings
people were not there to hook up
just some safe nice people getting together on Friday evenings
Fridays for me were rather sad if spend home alone
Mountainman
Give yourself time for your heart to mend. Time will heal your hurting feelings. Be good to yourself. Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 360
If he is your ex then it would seem that the relationship was not healthy and had to end. So the question is, why would you want something back that caused you harm or was unhealthy? Is it really him you want back? Or is it something deeper that you aren't aware of?
For a long time I thought I wanted a relationship, but in the end I discovered that it was really just a fear of being different. Everyone else dates, but I don't, that made me uncomfortable, and so I found that I didn't really accept or respect myself for who I was. That really didn't have anything to do with wanting a relationship, and chances are, if I had found one, I would just project my insecurities and fears onto that person and continue to be miserable.
I'm not saying that's true for you at all, my point is that our desires often times have a much different meaning than what is on the surface, and I would encourage you to think about that.
That's not to say that your pain is unwarranted or bad. You should accept your feelings and allow them to be. You enjoyed it while it lasted, allow the pain to be and perhaps it will dissolve and a deeper appreciation will arise for that time you had.
For a long time I thought I wanted a relationship, but in the end I discovered that it was really just a fear of being different. Everyone else dates, but I don't, that made me uncomfortable, and so I found that I didn't really accept or respect myself for who I was. That really didn't have anything to do with wanting a relationship, and chances are, if I had found one, I would just project my insecurities and fears onto that person and continue to be miserable.
I'm not saying that's true for you at all, my point is that our desires often times have a much different meaning than what is on the surface, and I would encourage you to think about that.
That's not to say that your pain is unwarranted or bad. You should accept your feelings and allow them to be. You enjoyed it while it lasted, allow the pain to be and perhaps it will dissolve and a deeper appreciation will arise for that time you had.
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
Big hugs. Broken hearts take time. I believe we can help them by NOT following obsessive thoughts, catching ourselves when we are working ourselves up etc, and some reality checks.
My reality check (getting over a divorce after 25 yrs marriage)....is that we had that time, it was real, it was wonderful, it's over. That doesn't take away the reality that it was real, but it IS over. Like a death, or a move or anything, it's over now. It can be hard to accept that it is REALLY over when the person is still alive, but it is. REALLY over. The man I married doesn't exist anymore, He changed, he is someone different, someone who does not love me and that I am no longer in a relationship with. I am sure he feels the same about me.
That was something I said often the last few years of our marriage...this is NOT the man I married and raised children with. And he wasn't/isn't. I expect this is true of your BF. He is not the man you were with and had those lovely times with. It seems like he should be/could be that man again...but accepting reality is better than teasing ourselves with fantasy.
And yes, people do change. I am not who I was 20, 15, 10 or even 5 yrs ago, and I never will be that person again. After recovery I did not revert to who I was before, I moved on to who I am now.
My reality check (getting over a divorce after 25 yrs marriage)....is that we had that time, it was real, it was wonderful, it's over. That doesn't take away the reality that it was real, but it IS over. Like a death, or a move or anything, it's over now. It can be hard to accept that it is REALLY over when the person is still alive, but it is. REALLY over. The man I married doesn't exist anymore, He changed, he is someone different, someone who does not love me and that I am no longer in a relationship with. I am sure he feels the same about me.
That was something I said often the last few years of our marriage...this is NOT the man I married and raised children with. And he wasn't/isn't. I expect this is true of your BF. He is not the man you were with and had those lovely times with. It seems like he should be/could be that man again...but accepting reality is better than teasing ourselves with fantasy.
And yes, people do change. I am not who I was 20, 15, 10 or even 5 yrs ago, and I never will be that person again. After recovery I did not revert to who I was before, I moved on to who I am now.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Milwaukee, ILL
Posts: 3
Wow, so many nice replies everyone, thankyou.
The biggest part of our relationship was attraction at first site (it does help for sure!), we were excited to have met and wanted to tell everyone.
Many friends said "he'll be back" when it ended, I was upset with him because he was fined for driving drunk/looped and almost killed himself one night when I asked him not to. He has a daughter! It just seemed so messed up.
We were off and on for a year and a half after the breakup but I became afraid of losing him permanently, even though I knew he was doing heavier drugs and I became jealous (another trait I'm not used to). I was also afraid of picking up an STD because I could sense when he was lying.
He wanted me near then he didn't throughout the whole relationship in general & it takes a toll, stressful and felt dumped when he couldn't handle me getting upset with him for drunk driving even though he would never admit to that. I just cared about him, that's all.
I have dated a fair bit now but I still wake up thinking he's beside me.
The guy I dreamed of is gone.
Feeling reclusive now, that's not good. Nobody would know I'm this way because I hide it really, really well.
Anyhow, to avoid sounding like a broken record, I'm just throwing how I'm feeling out here because I need to. I'm not super religious, but I am caring (makes me want to barf saying that). I like to be in love but I'm not clingy - to make me clingy means the guy is hiding something to me. In this case, back to old habits taking heavier drugs. I believe some of the "crazy ladies" of the world are affected by relationships with addicts. I don't want to go there.
I want to take every pusher, gang, a*#hole and ring all of their necks and kick them sky high for f'ing up truly unique, cool people.
Thankyou again all for taking a look at this, it really helps
(I needed some backbone here, it's coming back)
The biggest part of our relationship was attraction at first site (it does help for sure!), we were excited to have met and wanted to tell everyone.
Many friends said "he'll be back" when it ended, I was upset with him because he was fined for driving drunk/looped and almost killed himself one night when I asked him not to. He has a daughter! It just seemed so messed up.
We were off and on for a year and a half after the breakup but I became afraid of losing him permanently, even though I knew he was doing heavier drugs and I became jealous (another trait I'm not used to). I was also afraid of picking up an STD because I could sense when he was lying.
He wanted me near then he didn't throughout the whole relationship in general & it takes a toll, stressful and felt dumped when he couldn't handle me getting upset with him for drunk driving even though he would never admit to that. I just cared about him, that's all.
I have dated a fair bit now but I still wake up thinking he's beside me.
The guy I dreamed of is gone.
Feeling reclusive now, that's not good. Nobody would know I'm this way because I hide it really, really well.
Anyhow, to avoid sounding like a broken record, I'm just throwing how I'm feeling out here because I need to. I'm not super religious, but I am caring (makes me want to barf saying that). I like to be in love but I'm not clingy - to make me clingy means the guy is hiding something to me. In this case, back to old habits taking heavier drugs. I believe some of the "crazy ladies" of the world are affected by relationships with addicts. I don't want to go there.
I want to take every pusher, gang, a*#hole and ring all of their necks and kick them sky high for f'ing up truly unique, cool people.
Thankyou again all for taking a look at this, it really helps
(I needed some backbone here, it's coming back)
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