rocket75

Hi.

I'm new to this site, and before this year, had no real experience with addiction.

I started dating after my divorce and fell very deeply in love with a man I met at my high school reunion, of all things. We live across the country from each other - him in my home town in California, and me in South Florida - and I would fly out once a month to see him.

On our first date, he came clean and told me, with great specificity, what I had already found out. He was on parole and a drug addict, currently active in recovery, and working hard to be sober and live a good life.

Our connection was so strong, and I believe so much in recovery and redemption, that I continued to date him. I genuinely felt like the reading I did about crystal meth addiction, and my limited experience with an addicted family member, lent me the understanding I would need to have in order to date him and support him through a recovery, God forbid that should happen.

It turns out that I really knew nothing, and wasn't prepared at all for what it meant to date an addict. The man I love, the good man enmeshed within the addict, is everything I ever wanted. But he was lying to me almost the entire time, sporadically using, though never around me, so I never even saw any signs. Even in retrospect, all the things I knew to look for just weren't there, at least when I was in town.

I also didn't know that for him, relapse into drug addiction was inextricably intertwined with crime. He was due off parole at the end of March, and was coming to live with me in Florida. I had the most wonderful future for us planned in my head, and I can't remember the last time I felt so happy and hopeful.

At the end of January, he was arrested. He's currently in jail, waiting for his case. He's accused of nonviolent felonies, but has a strike on his record, and the potential sentence is very, very long. I hired him a very good attorney. I thought hard about it before I did it, but didn't spend any more money than I could afford, and didn't jeopardize my ability to pay my bills in any way.

I love him. I don't want to leave. He's scared and depressed and so, so sorry. I want to wait for him, but don't even know yet what that entails, since his sentence right now could be anywhere from three to 22 years.

I hate his addiction and I hate the things he did to support it. But I love him.

I found this site, and I'm hoping it helps me find the support and education I need. I'm back in Florida now, back at my job. I have therapist appointments scheduled once a week, and I found all the local NA friends and family meetings, and I'll go at least once a week to those. My friends and family are all being wonderful and helping me stay get through one day at a time. I have plans to travel, work hard, and not isolate myself.

I'm trying to do everything I can to stay strong, cope, and not enable him. I know enabling him will just kill him faster. But I cry every night, and I wake up crying every morning. Sometimes one day at a time doesn't work, and I have to go one hour at a time.

Short of walking away, which I will not do, how do you cope with the sorrow? Even if you're doing everything right, it seems like it doesn't ease. It hasn't been that long, and I heard it gets better, but I'm having a hard time believing it.

I'm sorry this was so long. Everything just seems so complicated right now.

graceandbeauty0

well first of all how long have you two been dating. Being with someone who has active addiction is not fun. You haven't experienced anything if you are guys at still living in two cities and this is going to sound terrible, but you should not move in with him unless he's been clean for a year. You need to take care of yourself and he needs to take care of all his legal issues and really be serious about recovery. I know you love him, believe me I still love my ex addict but the thing is they can't truly love you if they aren't ready to or are still using.

To be honest you should just walk away for now and get yourself the support you need and let him decide what he wants out of his life. You said you just got out of a divorce, take some time to yourself and rediscover yourself before you end up being in another marriage with an active addict. They are not just any regular relationship for you. I hope i wasn't to rude, but I just wish the best for you.

Ann

Rocket welcome to SR, I hope you find comfort and wisdom here. Take a read of the Sticky threads at the top of this forum and you will get a better grasp of the reality of addiction and living with an active addict. It's not a pretty picture. The first thread up there by EnglishGarden is particularly appropriate for someone new like you to rise above the illusions and face the facts...all said with love in my heart because I know how much it hurts to be you right now.

There are so many red flags in your post, signs along the way that something was very wrong and that this was dangerous territory you were walking into. He's an active addict facing long term prison time for crimes committed. Maybe ask yourself why you are so drawn to this man. Is it because of who he is or because of who you "dream he could be"?

I am so glad you are reaching out and have found therapy and meetings and have family support. All of these will help you move forward. You deserve so much better than any of this. You deserve a future filled with happiness, and you dear hold that key.

I hope you keep looking forward. The pain you feel now will heal over time and new beginnings will await you.

Hugs

FourTwentyOne

I think when we find our way here to SR, we want to find stories of recovery, forgiveness and healing. We want to see that miracles happen every day, people get clean, smarten up and see the forest for the trees. And it does happen. .....

The longer I am here, the more I see that it doesn't happen as the rule, but as the exception.

Each of us can only decide for ourselves what we are going to do with the time we are given on this planet. We have no guarantees how long that will be. Anything can happen - you could live until you are 108, be healthy every second, travel the world and learn to speak 8 languages, or you could step off the curb and be taken out by a car, whose driver was texting and didn't see you. That is out of our control.

What is in our control is how we want to spend each minute we are given here.

I won't tell you what to do, since I don't know what to do with my own situation. I can offer you this:

Think about the minutes you have had since you met this man. Think about all the happy times, the love and the smiles. Now bundle them up, and hold on to them. They are an experience. That experience has enriched your life, added to your personal happiness, and helped the minutes pass in a nice way. No matter what goes on from here, you have used those minutes to be happy and enrich your life, to learn and to grow. None of them were wated.

Now think about the minutes you have spent crying, worrying about him using, trying to figure out if he is high, or has been recently, looking for signs, securing legal advice, agonizing on the phone to your family and friends, researching addiction on the internet, desperately searching for answers, for help. .. . bunch all of those minutes up into another bundle. .. This is another experience. From it you have learned too, although different lessons than from the first part of the experience, still incredibly valuable. If we learn from negative experiences, and use that knowledge to avoid having to go through it again, then it is not time wasted.

Hold each bundle in one hand. .. The first one is large, and light, and lifts you up. The second is heavy, hurts to hold onto and drags you down.

Are you evenly balanced?

Now put them both in one hand, and take all the love, and happiness and good things, all the negativity and bad things that are part of your life that does not include him. Put those in the other hand.

Are you balanced now? i bet, without knowing you or your situation, but knowing addiction, his side is still a greater burden.

And if you let go of that first bundle and just held onto the rest of your life, would you float up? Each of us can only answer that question for ourselves.

I hope you keep reading, and keep posting. I hope that the cynicism you might run into does not hurt you, realise, as I had to, that the people here have been around the block, see new people come in here each day, hear the same story over and over, and sometimes forget how they felt walking through the door on that first day. They grow weary and just cut to the chase. Forgive them.

*hugs*

AnvilheadII

bunch of RED FLAGS flying here....which you probably don't want to hear.

getting hooked up with a supposedly recovering parolee who lives across the country after coming out of a divorce....

instant connection.

upon finding out he LIED TO YOU the entire time and continued to USE, you choose to continue to engage.

arrested, back in jail facing some serious time.

YOU hired an attorney for this man you really do not know very well at all.

you say it's Love, but there remains the fact that he LIED to you about who he was and what he was about the entire (relatively short) time you've known him.

you refuse to let go.

you said you do not want to enable BUT you bought him an attorney. that should have been HIS job.

it's not that complicated. you just need to step back and look at your situation objectively. what if your best friend or your daughter came to you with this story? what kind of future do you possibly SEE here with someone in jail facing 3 to 22 YEARS???? what's in it for you? what are YOU getting out of this situation?

atalose

I’m glad you are seeking therapy for yourself. On top of learning as much as you can about addiction – learn as much as you can about your codependency. Best subject to discuss with your therapist.

Not sure what brought about your divorce but I imagine you were very hurt and then this person came along and made you feel what the last person did not.

As said above lots of red flags not only with him and his drug history and criminal path but more importantly with you. When we fall that fast in love with someone we don’t even know there is something missing inside of us that makes us that desperate to hold on to people who are not healthy for us. Usually at the root of our issues (and yes I say our, most of us here are codies as well) is a deep pain, a hurt where we believe the only solution is a relationship with someone – anyone who shows us the least bit of attention when we are at are lowest becomes our prince charming. We then create a whole future fantasy life around this prince charming. Then when the prince turns into a toad we scramble to fix em, repair em and desperately try and bring that prince back so we can fulfill our fantasy.

At this point I think worrying about enabling him is the least of YOUR problems.

EnglishGarden

It will probably require many months in therapy to find out what is really going on inside you so I hope you will make it a weekly, intensive time of self-searching that continues for at least a year. I hope that while you are in your current state of illusion, self-deception, being deceived, martyrdom (I am sorry if that stings, but it needs to be said), that you will not make any binding commitments in any way regarding him nor spend any more money helping him.

Many here have experienced the high you have enjoyed in your brief, outside-of-reality, intense encounters with an active addict. It is incredibly seductive, and because the addict is usually unavailable, it is a perfect scenario for projecting onto him and into the future every romantic longing you have carried since childhood. If he is someone from your childhood or connected with someone from your childhood (since you met at a school reunion), this would make it all even more powerful because, unfortunately, being with him could feel like "home." But neither of you is who you were in your teenage years, and one of you has not matured at all (addicts do not grow).

We are a very realistic group here and we can tell you that relationships with active addicts or with those who are barely clean and sober are relationships built on sand. This is because the disease of addiction is a condition which blocks the addict from maturing, from self-awareness, from integrity, from independent thought and action, and, most important, from the capacity to sacrifice for the higher good of another.

He will use you as a distraction and a crutch. It is possible you may do the same with him.

Work in therapy. Something in you has brought this situation into your life as a turning point for growth. It can work to your good if you do your work.

The blog (upper blue bar) of Cynical One has many articles on relationships with addicts.

rocket75

I really appreciate the replies. Of course the cynicism hurts, because this just happened and I haven't adjusted yet, but I came here for exactly this - kindness and a reality check from people who are more experienced at this than I am. I know it shouldn't have come as some great surprise to me that he relapsed, but it did anyway, and I'm not done reeling yet. It's only been a few weeks.

A few of you said you hope I'm not offended. I'm not. I'm grateful. It just hurts. I imagine that feeling will be lurking around for a while.

I'm not spending any more money on him. I had a set amount I knew I could afford, and that was it. The choice of letting go may be taken out of my hands, because if the judge allows him to go to a long-term residential treatment facility, and if he manages to successfully get through it, we won't be allowed to have any contact, from what I understand, for a minimum of 15 months to two years.

What's awful is that everyone here can clearly see the red flags that I missed, and everyone here sees the illusions I'm still laboring under. I cognitively know that you're right, but it doesn't FEEL that way to me. AnvilheadII nailed it. And I truly have no idea what I'm getting out of this besides the hope of a future that seems unlikely to happen.

I have my first therapist appointment tomorrow. I'm heading to an NA meeting right now. And I'm very thankful you all took the time to write me back. Thank you.

Txhelp

So glad that you came here rocket...I have found the people here, at SR.... kind, sensitive and realistic. That is a great combo. I can read that you are receptive to what the thread is saying.

There is a lot of heartbreak being involved with an addict.

There are feelings and there are thoughts...these are tied together. If the feelings are out of balance with the thoughts and override them.....then perhaps you should take a pause.

Your pause is that he is in jail. Feelings have nothing to do with the reality of the situation.

He's lied, from the beginning, about his recovery. He wasn't in recovery the whole time he was with you. It wasn't until he got caught that you had not choice but to see it.

Living long distance is very difficult to REALLY get to know a person. It's always a honeymoon. Except now.....now you are off balance and trying to find your way around the fantasy of the relationship. You never really knew him...only parts.

You are doing a fantastic job of reaching out for help! Hugs to you....

zoso77

Rocket...

Welcome to the Board.

I read your story, and the thing that I wonder is if there was any moment that you had reservations about what it was you were doing? You know, that little voice...that we often tend to ignore?

When we fall in love, sometimes we're guilty of not paying attention to information that's laid out in front of us. I've been guilty of that a couple of times. Both times, it cost me dearly.

You're in up to your eyeballs, Rocket. I don't envy you. But the only advice I will offer sounds simple but isn't: use your rational mind. That often means making decisions you don't want to make, but have to for the sake of your own well being.

Keep an open mind, open eyes, and open ears.

ZoSo

spiderqueen

What zoso says above is very true: if you quiet your emotions, and are deeply honest with yourself, you might remember times in the early days when something didn't seem right. And you didn't listen to that wise, inner voice then. Now is your chance to cultivate that wisdom, and work on YOU which will serve you very well next time around.

I was just coming off a divorce, too, when I reconnected with an X-lover and it was fireworks and moonbeams. What he failed to tell me was that he had become a raging alcoholic and prescription pill addict in the intervening years. I spent the next 3 years trying desperately to bail water out of a rapidly sinking boat. Just to achieve the sweet fantasy-dream of what could have been (but never was).

So sorry for your situation, but very glad you came here for support.

YouWillBe

There are few things more painful than the warring of our head and our heart. And when love is so powerful the heart fights incredibly hard to win.

We always want to believe the best in others - especially those we care about. When we learn something about them so far out of our normal life and experience and that something is also illegal or immoral we reel under the pressure we feel. We don't agree with the lifestyle and wouldn't put ourselves in that position for a stranger, but we love the person and tend to excuse (yes...we do) the behavior and believe we can help them change it. OR we tend to convince ourselves it's really not as bad as it is.

The trouble comes when we forget our common sense and don't hold our loved one to the same standard we would the drug addict we meet on the street. I'm SOOOOO guilty of this. My daughter can't possibly be as awful as those she associates with...when in fact, in some cases, she's actually worse. It hurts my heart to even write those words.

Our addicts are so incredibly smart - and they know exactly what to say to us to keep us pulled in. The manipulating is GENIUS, really. Don't beat yourself up for not seeing the red flags that all those looking in can. You could probably see all the flags for each of us - that we can't when it comes to OUR loved ones. That's why we are all here. To get and keep some perspective when we are heart-deep in a relationship that is toxic.

GIVE YOURSELF ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD before making any decision in regards to continuing the romantic relationship.

And thank your lucky stars (and Higher Power) for giving you the head's up BEFORE you started living with or, even more importantly, married this man.

HumbleNumb

One thing my memaw always said "It's hard to accept the truth, when the lie is exactly what we want to hear"...

An inexplicable gift an addict possesses: to say exactly what we want to hear... (and the truth we need to accept just gets pushed out of the way)...

Oh how THAT has come back to haunt me in these past 6 years...

riverviewchick

Good grief you could be saying this to me as well Atalose. I need to hear it too.

Ilovemysonjj

THis is a GEM! Thank you