Denial
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 1,405
Denial
Denial
A Symptom of the Disease
~By BuddyT
One of the most frustrating things for me to deal with is blatant denial, especially when it seems so very obvious that there is definitely a problem here!
It used to drive me crazy, absolutely nuts, when I could not get someone to admit that their behavior was causing me a problem. That what they were doing was destroying themselves and damaging others as well.
Then in Al-Anon I found out that denial was part and parcel of the family disease of alcoholism. Denial was not part of the problem -- denial WAS the problem! That denial extended to other members of the family including me! I was in total denial that I was part of the problem and I was contributing to the family insanity.
Also I learned that maybe my expectations were a bit too high, if I expected someone else to be honest with me, when they were incapable of even being honest with themselves! I was incapable of even being honest with myself!
Today I know that it's not my job to convince someone else that they are in denial. I have some measure of serenity in turning that job over to a power greater than myself. But that still doesn't make it any less frustrating to see someone you care so much about destroy themselves.
All the while, denying that it is happening.
A Symptom of the Disease
~By BuddyT
One of the most frustrating things for me to deal with is blatant denial, especially when it seems so very obvious that there is definitely a problem here!
It used to drive me crazy, absolutely nuts, when I could not get someone to admit that their behavior was causing me a problem. That what they were doing was destroying themselves and damaging others as well.
Then in Al-Anon I found out that denial was part and parcel of the family disease of alcoholism. Denial was not part of the problem -- denial WAS the problem! That denial extended to other members of the family including me! I was in total denial that I was part of the problem and I was contributing to the family insanity.
Also I learned that maybe my expectations were a bit too high, if I expected someone else to be honest with me, when they were incapable of even being honest with themselves! I was incapable of even being honest with myself!
Today I know that it's not my job to convince someone else that they are in denial. I have some measure of serenity in turning that job over to a power greater than myself. But that still doesn't make it any less frustrating to see someone you care so much about destroy themselves.
All the while, denying that it is happening.
Recovered People Pleaser
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Heart of Dixie
Posts: 391
In Alanon Insanity is defined as doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result.
The focus is on us-not on the alcoholic. Have I done the same thing over and over (believed empty promises based on nothing other than what I "wanted" to hear, made excuses for unacceptable behaviors, used phrases like "this time is the last time" over and over?)
The Nonner is often deeper in denial than the alcoholic. In Al-anon we learn to see things as they are and not as we would like them to be. We use the 3C's to understand that we did not cause this situation, we can not control it, nor can we cure it.
Sometimes we are convinced we are in a relationship when the truth is we have become caregivers or worse caretakers. We suffer from feelings of helplessness, depression and despair and the only way we find comfort is to "tell ourselves" "it's not that bad" or "this time, he's going to change". We have to learn to use the Steps and the tools so that our happiness is not dependent on the actions (or inactions) of others.
The denial we deal with in Al-Anon is not that of the alcoholic, but our own.
The focus is on us-not on the alcoholic. Have I done the same thing over and over (believed empty promises based on nothing other than what I "wanted" to hear, made excuses for unacceptable behaviors, used phrases like "this time is the last time" over and over?)
The Nonner is often deeper in denial than the alcoholic. In Al-anon we learn to see things as they are and not as we would like them to be. We use the 3C's to understand that we did not cause this situation, we can not control it, nor can we cure it.
Sometimes we are convinced we are in a relationship when the truth is we have become caregivers or worse caretakers. We suffer from feelings of helplessness, depression and despair and the only way we find comfort is to "tell ourselves" "it's not that bad" or "this time, he's going to change". We have to learn to use the Steps and the tools so that our happiness is not dependent on the actions (or inactions) of others.
The denial we deal with in Al-Anon is not that of the alcoholic, but our own.
happy, joyous an free!
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: northeast
Posts: 693
Facing my history of denial in the situation has been one of the hardest aspects of my very new recovery from my disease. I am struggling with a lot of guilt when I realize my inability to face reality was a huge contributor to my son's problems as they were escalating.
Coming out of denial is already giving me more peace. My RAS is also behaving much more rationally, just a natural benefit? Or maybe I'm just seeing better?
I hope to develop lasting behaviors and tools which I can use in all my affairs so I never fall into denial again. This arena of addiction and my personal experience shows how detrimental denial has been to myself but also to my son.
Sending love to all on this heart day!
Coming out of denial is already giving me more peace. My RAS is also behaving much more rationally, just a natural benefit? Or maybe I'm just seeing better?
I hope to develop lasting behaviors and tools which I can use in all my affairs so I never fall into denial again. This arena of addiction and my personal experience shows how detrimental denial has been to myself but also to my son.
Sending love to all on this heart day!
Recovered People Pleaser
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Heart of Dixie
Posts: 391
Denial is often a defense mechanism, when we are fearful of choices or outcomes, the mind gives us the alternative of creating our own reality when the pain at present seems to much for our emotions to bear.
Denial boils down to being paralyzed by fear. Once we learn to detach and that we have choices we can step back and start to deal with our situations as they ARE and not as we would "like" them to be. We become more trusting in our abilities to make good choices and gain coping skills by which to make accurate assessments. We gain confidence. Denial IS detrimental if not addressed, many a patient has had psychotic breaks stemming from an inability to deal with reality, and by not being able to process pain.
In Al-Anon we say pain is inevitable but suffering is optional. Every person on earth experiences some form of heartbreak, some form of physical pain and some form of grief. These pains are outside our control but all the projection, worry, anxiety, refusals to participate in our on recovery these are things we do to ourselves and is the source of prolonged suffering. We can use the 12 Steps to learn how to process all our emotions, make healthy choices and learn that allowing others to do the same is a form of dignity.
When we are able to detach, we see clearly. We can see the source of our resentments, fears and our own defects and we can take measures to relive ourselves from the negative energy of things that do not help us move toward the progress possible through recovery.
Guilt and worry are often rooted in pride. When we can accept the 3 C's (We did not cause, can not control nor cure) the illness nor problems of another we can use the 3P's (Pause, Pray and Proceed) to have these things effect us less and less. One of the so called promises of AL-Anon is "we shall laugh more". I recommend reading "From Survival to Recovery" for any family member suffering from the effects of addiction.
Denial boils down to being paralyzed by fear. Once we learn to detach and that we have choices we can step back and start to deal with our situations as they ARE and not as we would "like" them to be. We become more trusting in our abilities to make good choices and gain coping skills by which to make accurate assessments. We gain confidence. Denial IS detrimental if not addressed, many a patient has had psychotic breaks stemming from an inability to deal with reality, and by not being able to process pain.
In Al-Anon we say pain is inevitable but suffering is optional. Every person on earth experiences some form of heartbreak, some form of physical pain and some form of grief. These pains are outside our control but all the projection, worry, anxiety, refusals to participate in our on recovery these are things we do to ourselves and is the source of prolonged suffering. We can use the 12 Steps to learn how to process all our emotions, make healthy choices and learn that allowing others to do the same is a form of dignity.
When we are able to detach, we see clearly. We can see the source of our resentments, fears and our own defects and we can take measures to relive ourselves from the negative energy of things that do not help us move toward the progress possible through recovery.
Guilt and worry are often rooted in pride. When we can accept the 3 C's (We did not cause, can not control nor cure) the illness nor problems of another we can use the 3P's (Pause, Pray and Proceed) to have these things effect us less and less. One of the so called promises of AL-Anon is "we shall laugh more". I recommend reading "From Survival to Recovery" for any family member suffering from the effects of addiction.
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