FlippedRHalo

We're day 2 post break up after almost a year of hell (break in the middle after an enormous fight) and I've had to continue to turn my phone off because of his texts.

The beginning texts were "I don't want to fight", "I'm sorry, you don't deserve this", "I'm sorry, we can work this out", etc...

Then: "I can't do this anymore. I can't do the things you want to do, I can't do anything, I don't want to leave the house and I won't subject you to that", "I can't be the man you want me to be", "it's over".

"I wanted to try, but I'm insecure and I'm afraid of being hurt".

To which I replied: "Ok. Please stop now. I have nothing else to say and you don't need to say anymore".

Now: "I won't say why I drank when I was around you, but you wouldn't like it", "I never wanted to try again", "Goodbye".

2 minutes later...

"Thank you for being there for me. I am thankful you were, I truly am, I'm sorry I'm not the guy you needed or thought I was".

"Is there no way we can be friends".

All of this started because I went out with friends for a birthday get-together. I asked him to come, but he said no, because instead he wanted to stay home, locked in his room and drink. After a few hours, the jealous rantings started (as usual when I go out without him) and instead of pacifying him like I normally would, I told him he needed to stop and wasn't being fair. I basically ignored the rants for the rest of the night after being accused of being with a friend of mine, of whom I've never been with. However, it was fine for him to go to happy hour with a woman he was having sex with before (and probably while) we were together.

Why is he hurting me more when he knows how much he's hurt me already? I'm starting to hate him, but in the process, it's igniting my insecurities in a bad way. My 4S doesn't have a block option that I know of and even though I've deleted his name and number, it still shows up when he texts me.

Please, someone tell me why he wants to hurt me so badly? I can honestly say I've been there for him through so much and have never, ever done anything to hurt him. He's told me numerous times that I'm the only one he's ever trusted and that he wishes he could have a heart half as big as mine is. So why? What did I do? Why is he abusing me so badly right now? He knows I loved him and would have done anything to help him through this if he would have just tried. He doesn't want me back, obviously, so why won't he just let it go?

I will never, ever, ever, ever get involved with someone like this ever again. As if I didn't have to struggle enough to hold on to myself and not break apart when we were together, I finally make the best decision I could make to break away and now I get it worse than I did when we were together.

I feel like he's trying to make me go crazy. I want to completely block him and not have to keep turning my phone off, which doesn't do much because as soon as I turn it on again, there are 20+ texts that come through all at once.

Please help.... I know he's drunk and insane right now, but this really, truly hurts me to my core and I need to understand why it's happening. I feel so broken already. Now he's going for shattering me because I guess broken wasn't good enough. I just know it hurts. A lot.

choublak

If he's drunk and insane, you can't expect him to be thinking rationally.

Can you change your number or possibly get a new phone?

FlippedRHalo

I suppose I may have to change my number if this isn't going to stop. It angers me that I might have to, but something has to give. I really got myself into a nice mess with this. Sheesh.

readerbaby71

I think you can block calls and texts on an iphone with iOS 7.

4 Ways to Block Text Messages on an iPhone - wikiHow

I'm so sorry you're going through this. You can also call your cell phone carrier to have his number blocked. I know it's hard and it hurts, but try to remember that his lashing out really has nothing to do with you. It's himself he hates.

AnvilheadII

it's only day 2....emotions are still running high. AND he's DRUNK.

for now, do NOT engage...do not reply, do not pick up. just because there are texts you do NOT have to READ them. don't take any of his rambling nonsense personally...he's so self absorbed this really isn't about you...it's about him not getting his way, it's about someone daring to make his drinking an issue. he's protecting his addiction......he dos this thru denial and deflection.

I know it's hard honey. you did the right thing. I wish it was easier but the right thing isn't always the easy thing. so big props. put the phone to bed and give yourself a break.

iamthird

He is not trying to hurt you. He is saying anything he can to justify himself in the moment. Dont take it personally. I know how hard it is, but keep remembering he does not think how we think.

All you can do is remove yourself from the insanity to get some clarity. With time, you will..,I have gotten those texts from separated AH all in one night from "i love you" ranging to "i f***ing hate you, stupid c***", and I never even replied because I was asleep so he was having a conversation with himself! Lol!

Be kind to yourself and try posting here when you get tempted to make contact.

Recovering2

He isn't doing anything for your benefit. He is trying desperately to keep the status quo. He is trying to somehow keep you engaged. So even if you respond "stop" to a text....he gets the message that you're still paying attention. Do not respond to anything...at all. If you can't figure out how to block him, call your cell phone service provider and ask them. If you have to, change your phone #. Isn't your sanity worth it?

Then get to an AlAnon meeting, and start working on you. There are reasons why some of us continue to pick the same personality over and over....and it's more about us than it is about them. You will gain amazing insight through AlAnon, and if you're willing to take a hard look at yourself, you will find answers.

theuncertainty

I'm sorry you're going through this, Flipped. I went through a very similar situation. He's throwing out a ton of lines to see which ones will get you to bite and respond. Anything to get you re-engaged in the relationship: sweet promises to change, no response? Switch to accusations, perhaps she'll respond to defend herself. Any response is then taken as permission to continue contact.

I had to remind myself that his promises to change were never more than words. As far as his nasty accusations, well, they're unfounded and he may or may not mean them. I had to remind myself that I knew the truth and he didn't really want to hear it, he just wanted me to answer him and let him come back.

Hang in there.

changeneeded

He is just trying to gain control by causing you to break down and call or text. He is trying everything he has done in the past that at one point (if you're anything like me) you gave in on.

Stand firm, stay strong.. you already did the hard part and ended it! you can do this!!!!!

FeelingGreat

Halo if your software is up to date you can block numbers on your 4s. Go to contacts, and scroll down to the bottom where there is an option to block contact. If you don't have it, update the software.
Abusive ex partners almost run to a script after breakup. Lots of I love yous, promises to change, sweet talk. If you continue to ignore expect him to get angry, so unless you can block, get ready for abusive texts.
PS You've done the right thing - stay strong.

FlippedRHalo

Thank you to all of you. Your support, advice and just knowing I'm not alone is helping more than you know. I went out and bought the book Women Who Love Too Much yesterday at the recommendation of someone on this forum and wow. Just wow. Eye opening to say the least. There are a lot of issues from my childhood of growing up with a very drunk & depressed mother and a drunk step-father who was completely void of emotion and quite a mean person to boot that I really need to look at and put away.

Anyway, I woke up this morning and actually felt calm and peaceful....and a bit angry maybe? I think because I know that I gave him every chance, even a second chance after he hurt me the first time. It wasn't the smartest move on my part, but he swore he wasn't the same person and that he knew what he lost and would never let it go again. I so wanted to believe him. I so wanted to believe IN him. Silly me.

It wasn't long before I became his emotional punching bag again. I don't think I fully let myself trust him this round because as hurt as I am over the rotten things he's said to me, and as much as I do miss his rare loving side, I'm just disgusted with his behavior today. He's an adult, yet acts like a selfish little child most of the time. He's completely incapable of dealing with life and that's sad. I can't figure out why he ever wanted to try again, but I guess that isn't for me to figure out and I need to stop asking myself questions that I don't think even he can answer.

I sit wondering if he ever cared - I don't think you can say the things he said to me when you care about someone. I've been pretty angry with him at times, but I'd still never try to suck the wind out of him with the most hurtful words I could find like he's done to me. It's brutal to be on the receiving end of that.

I just wish he would have wanted to help himself. He's so defensive over being an alcoholic and if it's even mentioned, he goes into a tirade. I'm unsure how he keeps his job, but I know there isn't much else he's able to keep up with. I see someone with so much potential in so many ways that's lost to a bottle and sigh... it just makes me sad. I don't think he'll change because I don't think he wants to at all. He cries that he hates himself, doesn't care if he dies, etc... which has to be a miserable, painful place to be - yet, won't accept that the alcohol is a gigantic contributing factor to that.

I worry that he's going to die. In a car accident, or in a drunken depressive episode. My best friend killed himself in a drunken depression 15 years ago. I've never gotten over that. I don't want it to happen again.

honeypig

Flipped, I just posted to another member that an A's primary relationship is with the bottle and not with another human. As you wonder to yourself whether he ever cared, bear that in mind. An active addict is simply not capable of having a loving relationship in the sense that you or I would understand it.

Regarding his potential, I've seen it said here so often that we need to make our decisions based on what we see right now, what is real right this second, NOT our lofty hopes and dreams about someone's "potential." Another person's "potential" may or may not ever be realized, and there is not a damn thing that we can do to make it happen or not happen. There is no point in hanging on, waiting for a dream that may or may not ever happen, while our own life wastes away in anger, fear and pain.

Self-pity is a huge part of the A's way of thinking, as is denial, and you mention you are seeing both. Recovery requires working past both of those things, and it doesn't seem as if your A is anywhere near beginning that process. If you chose, you could take a look in the other sections of SR to see it thru the eyes of both those who are working recovery and those who still struggle, but please don't concentrate on that to the detriment of your OWN recovery.

Wishing you strength and clarity.

blake1989

Hey Flipped...Hang in there. I feel like maybe I know/understand a bit about what you're going through. Only a little under two weeks out here. I asked myself at first, why won't she stop trying to hurt me with these texts, screen shots of old i love you's we said to each other, pleading emails, abusive voicemails, back to the somber emails promising me to never drink again. It is amazing and eerie how that script FeelingGreat talks about came true.

Technical things I had to learn. ios7 will block all the texts; sender will not know. however, you will still receive voicemails in a special 'blocked' folder. It was not enough for me after she called from multiple new numbers, and again I asked why is she trying to hurt me. I changed my number.

As the days pass, it has been sinking in she wasn't trying to hurt me - she didn't even have to try..

Your situation resonated with me so much - my ex openly said (while drinking) that she did not want help. Ever. And if she wasn't drinking, the drinking topic was absolutely not up for discussion. It also sounds like I know the brand of verbal abuse you're talking about - the kind that sticks with you and makes you wonder what you did to deserve this, and you carry it around during the day in your mind. And to top it off, she would cry about how she could do anything if she just could stop. And I know she has so much potential. Potential in her career, at one time potentially the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with. But I could not live on hope any longer.

Anyway, you are staying strong. It took everything for me not to respond to her pleas for explanations. If you don't want to hear anymore, change that number. I know I had to do it, with the help of everyone here. I think this may be the first time I've ever given advice here on SR, but it's only because you've endured abuse I'm familiar with.

One last thing. My therapist said something incredibly insightful and brilliant to me. We were discussing how my ex would black out and tell me 'i will hurt you over and over. leave me'. My therapist said that this is similar to the alcoholic's relationship with the bottle. It is as if the bottle is saying 'i will hurt you again and again', but the addicted mind comes back for more. As the codependent, I came back for more and more of her presence, hoping that it was a 'good' day. Other days, I got hurt over and over.

I hope you're feeling better today.

spiderqueen

Wow, thank you Blake for sharing this. Gave me chills.

FlippedRHalo

Wow Blake.... I'm stuck on where you wrote that she'd black out and say "I will hurt you over and over, leave me" because when he'd get plastered, he'd start to cry and yell at me, half incoherent and always say "leave me babe, please just leave me. You're too good for this. I'm not a good person"...and it would rip the heart right out of me. I wanted, so badly, to fix it for him. It became my mission to fix whatever I could for him. I hated that he hated himself. But I couldn't fix anything and that still tears me apart. I know it wasn't my job, but my heart likes to fight my head on that. I just wanted better for him. I know I'm supposed to detach, and I'm trying oh so hard to do so, but the pain of seeing someone you care about sinking so deep and hard, just ugh. It's brutal. It's traumatizing. I literally feel traumatized. I'm sure you do too.

The other night, before we broke up, we were talking. Well, arguing. He said to me, with tears in his eyes "Maybe you should stop believing I'm as good as you think I am." I didn't realize it then, but I was actually starting to listen, and believe, what he was telling me. I think that made it easier to end it this time. Not to mention that seeing him so drunk that he couldn't walk and would still drive just kind of disgusted me.

I'm realizing now that I was depressed with him in the end. I had no energy. I had no fight left in me. I caved to everything he said and wanted and that is so NOT me. I'm NOT that person to just give in and suck it up when I know something is wrong. What did he do to me? How did he do it? It scares me that it happened so quickly and quietly, but I'm grateful that it angered me enough when I realized it that I did fight back.

Fighting back though, isn't making it any easier now. I do feel like I left with some of my self-esteem in tact and so did you. I just..... left. I didn't want to though, but had to. I can't live that kind of life and neither can you. I wish they didn't want to, but unfortunately, we can't make their decisions for them and make them want better.

Thanks for the reply... I hope you're feeling better today too. It's hard, I know.

I haven't heard a thing from him today. No texts at all. While the cruel texts and calls hurt, knowing that he is just letting go instead of trying hurts too. It's a no win situation. I'm worried that he's laying somewhere in a heap. Or that he could care less and is off having a great time drinking now that I'm gone. And then another part of me is saying "Wow, this is peaceful. I'm getting my homework and studying done. I cooked dinner, I washed clothes and paid bills in peace. I don't have to drop everything to be there for him when he needs me for the latest crisis". Does that make any sense? It's such a roller coaster of emotions.

pixilation

My ex did that, for months actually. It gave me a sleep disorder because he'd do it late at night. I was to paranoid to turn the phone off or on silent for the first 2 months after I moved out, I did keep it on vibrate however. So I'd hear the vibration and it would either wake me up, or keep me awake.

to this day, hearing my phone vibrate causes anxiety.

Block him, just do yourself the favor now, block him.

spiderqueen

Makes perfect sense. You are right where you should be, Flipped. Slowly, with time, that sense of peace, of having your life back, of trusting yourself and seeing the work you do in the world come to real fruition will start to feel...normal. Right now, your sense of normal is out of whack, your rudder is busted. I know the feeling well.

((hugs))

FlippedRHalo

I'm jumpy since it's been so calm tonight and he hasn't called or sent a single text. I should be happy, but it's making me edgy. It's too calm. I don't know if it's just that I'm not used to calm at this point or if it's because he does do this no calls/text thing after we fight and that is the point where I usually freak out and end up going back. Actually, not only go back, but apologize to HIM for what he did to ME. Wow... just seeing that in writing hurts/angers me. I can't believe I'd do that! How did he turn it around so I'd be saying I'm sorry to him for being totally cruel, emotionally abusive and just downright horrible to me? Holy freakin' cow. It's like looking back at yourself and wondering if you were completely insane at that point.

This is the hard part. This is where I have to be stronger than ever. I don't want that life. I love him, I miss him, but I don't deserve to be emotionally battered into the ground. The last time we tried to discuss something, we were sitting on the floor in my room and I was crying. He was drunk and emotional and kept telling me to look at him. It's hard for me to cry and I hate crying in front of anyone, so I just kept looking down. He grabbed my face so hard and yanked it up to look at him and just wouldn't let go... as he's telling me he loves me. Hmph. Love-Pain. Emotional pain and then a little bit of physical pain thrown in for good measure. There it was, couldn't have been any clearer.

God. This just sucks. Why was I so dumb and accepting of such awful behavior?

blake1989

It all makes perfect sense. I could have written everything you said. I came to SR not knowing/internalizing the 3 C's. I too used the same exact phrase - "It became my mission." My mission to make her feel great, to make her feel loved because of her 'hard life', to make her see her potential. Didn't work of course. And things got unfathomably worse.

We feel traumatized because we are. I am confident we will get back on track.

My ex said that kind of stuff too - 'I don't think I'm good enough'; 'I can't make you happy', 'leave me', 'get out while you can'. I disregarded it for so long until I found it to be proving oddly sound advice.

I too, realized, I was very depressed at the end, for months actually. I couldn't even post here often. I wanted so much for her to be happy that I sacrificed my life force (see the giving away your power thread). Funny thing is, walking away was a long, slow process and the self-esteem is there. But the calm after all this stormy weather is disorienting and will take time to process - i feel fried.

Please don't try to think about what he's doing or what state he's in. I am fighting those thoughts too, hoping she's not out driving drunk again, etc. It was Spiderqueen who told me: "It's really ok for you to love her from far away, wish her well, even pray for her if that works for you. And know you did the right thing in getting yourself out of harms way." I think this is very valuable. I am not very religious, but in my own way, amongst the fear of an escalation of the post-breakup drama, I have prayed for her since our breakup.

But my favorite part was the last part of what you said. The peaceful part. I'm still living in some fear, but I just did some laundry for the first time in a while too