Misc72

There is a really nice lady that is my son's friends mom. She and I have a lot in common. She has made mention that she can't wait to get home to relax with a glass of wine. I didn't really know what to say since I'm just getting to know her. So I just giggled and changed the subject.

Today, she said, "We should all get together soon." Meaning a double date. Which I know would inevitably involve drinking. I want to be her friend but I don't want to drink. She is really super nice and I think she is a normal drinker. But I'm not, and I am afraid if I tell her I don't drink then she will find it uncomfortable to be my friend. So I don't know what to do?

least

I'd accept her offer of a get together but stipulate that it not be about drinking because you don't drink. Stated simply it shouldn't lead to any hard feelings on her part. If you like everything else about her, why not socialize, as long as she knows you don't drink?

Just my two cents...

LDT

I agree with least. People are constantly saying "let's meet for drinks", and I just casually say "make it a diet coke and you're on." .

cusper

I just had this exact situation happen over the holidays. My son's classmate's mother came over and I had given her some wine. She had asked me if I was going to have any and I told her that I wasn't drinking. Over the course of the evening we talked and once I felt comfortable I told her that I was the person that couldn't just have a few drinks and call it a night. She said her husband is like that and still drinks. And our evening carried on and there was no issue.

It was a bit awkward when I thought about it before she came over however I know this is my life now so I might as well get the practice in because I foresee me having to do this more than once. However if you want to keep it private to start off saying that you aren't drinking that night. Then if you get along well it won't matter to her if you drink or not.

colagirl

I'm facing the same thing, and I think I'm just going to tell my friend. I imagine it will be much better than getting a knot in my stomach every time I'm afraid she's going to suggest a drink after work, and if she gets weird about it I guess she's not a friend who's going to be good for me anyway. I hate it though! I wish it just didn't have to come up, but unfortunately sometimes it does.

Good luck! Let us know how it turns out.

Pedro1234

Hi Sunshine- Firstly are you at a stage in your recovery where you could confidently and comfortably have a night out with them while they were drinking? If not to "catch up" would be a big mistake. If however you would be confident/comfortable then just make them aware that you don't drink (no need to go into it any more than that) and see how the catch up goes.
If she wont accept you as a non drinker she is not worth having as a friend anyway. Good luck

LadyBlue0527

Hi sunshine72, this is still a toughie for me too. It's such an expected and normal "adult" thing to do to have drinks when you get together. I usually tell them that I don't drink because I'm crazy enough without it. If they question further or seem bothered by it then I know it's probably someone that wouldn't be good to be hanging out with anyway.

Sacamedeaqui

Your (potential) friend : ah I can't wait to get home and relax with a nice glass of wine...
You : ah I can't wait to put my feet up and chill out with a nice vanilla chai tea...ah bliss!

Your (potential) friend : (maybe) oh you don't drink?
You : Me? No.

Get it in early. I don't drink. No explanation. If someone pushes for an explanation...."ah it's not for me." Nobody is owed an explanation.

If you say "I'm not drinking tonight". Is that not leaving the door open for another night? Or creating abmbiguity in your head and your friend's? That's when the probing starts...

Like Ladyblue said, if they are the kind of person worth having in your life they will accept it and leave it at that. They want your friendship....for those that want a drinking partner, let them look elsewhere...

An observation: Maybe worrying about what other people think about us not drinking, is a projection of our own level of discomfort with regards to our new sober identity. Probably the stronger we feel about our new teetotal identity and when all the doubts about the decision to quit drinking are gone....we would care less about what others may or may not think.

I think when if am firm in a decision I have made, I couldn't give a damn what anyone else thinks and ironically enough, people tend to respect that more. However, if I am unsure of myself...

Dee74

Great post Sacamedeaqui

D