Wendolene

Hi everyone,

I am feeling a bit up and down emotionally at the moment and could really do with some support. I will be one month sober on 17/02/14, I was discharged from rehab last Thursday, and feel like the cravings have far from gone. I am taking vitamins and Valium at the moment (which I have to stop soon before I become addicted) and I have a GP appointment booked for Tuesday.

The main issue is: I suffer from crippling anxiety disorder. I become so aware of my breathing that I cannot 'let go' of it and end up breathing manually and feeling really panicky. Whilst I felt that rehab helped me view negative life events in a different light and learn how to cope with various situations e.g. not drinking every time you feel angry, I still crave that drink, just to feel the tension dissipate from my body for a few hours.

Time goes by so slowly at the moment, and I am trying my utmost to keep myself busy, but nothing works when your stomach is constantly in knots. I have been out with a friend today (I think the Valium is the only reason I coped), which was lovely, I am going to try and get involved with AA meetings in my local area, join a crocheting class and possibly try playing piano again.

I just find sitting with my emotions 24/7 very draining and feel so hopeless. I know my life is on the line (even though I am not a long term heavy drinker - my admission to rehab was the result of a 5 week binge, where I couldn't eat or keep anything down towards the end). My rehab programme focused on lifelong abstinence, and I feel like giving it up for a year is going to be hard, let alone life. I want to be able to moderate my drinking, but I know that, until I get my anxiety under control, this is not an option. Even if it is, I have been taught that I have a disease that means I can never drink again.

The doctor will take me off the Valium (which I know is *very* bad to be taken long term) and will put me on an antidepressant instead. I have tried a few in the past, one of which I stuck with for nearly two months, and it caused me to self-harm and feel even lower than I did when I started taking it. They also caused severe panic attacks that made me act very irrationally (I would thrash on the floor). I cannot go through this again and I'm so scared.

I feel like there is no way out and just wonder if there is any point.

I would love to hear stories from both complete abstainers and moderated drinkers, and how you got through the rough times, as I feel like throwing myself under a train at the moment.

Thank you for listening to me ramble, and I'm sorry.

KateL

I tried to moderate but it never worked. It gets much easier after time to abstain until it becomes a way of life. I have my anxiety was, and still is, addressed by seeing a counselor which helps enormously. xxx

Ornithology

I'm nearly six months since I stopped drinking and at one month I was at a similar place as you. It does get better. Please talk to your doctor about all that you are feeling, as he/she can help.

Sent from my iPhone using SoberRecovery

ScottFromWI

Alcohol made my anxiety worse, especially the more I drank and it got progressively worse. A year plus sober and things are markedly improved. The first month or two was rough, but looking back no worse than while I was still drinking.

soberhawk

Hi Wendolene,

Congrats on the month.

When we are having a hard time then it is unbearable to think of that we will be abstaining and feeling like that for the rest of our lives – but that is in my view wrong way to see it.

My take on this is more that alcohol was worsening my problems and causing suffering, when I am having a hard time I try to find a solution – methods to improve the situations, for me that is training and meditation.

I am not making a sacrifice by abstaining, it is a consequence of that it made my life much more difficult.

1 month is not that long … I did experience many changes the first 3-4 months.

I know you are in a little different situation with ocd and I have no experience with that.

You should be careful not to make a spin on it as you are making a sacrifice. Your are not! You are taking responsibility for your life and looking for solutions to make you enjoy life more instead of numbing your feelings and escaping reality with alcohol.

It will improve and you will become stronger – I am sure.

Take care.

AWOL

Hi Wendolene
Have you considered joining a yoga class? Learning how to breathe properly through yoga and accessing the huge physical benefits that committed practice can offer you is a potential game changer. There are good teachers out there who are gentle, supportive and understanding. As an alcoholic with significant anxiety-related issues, I have experienced some of the issues you are facing and found that yoga, with an emphasis of proper breathing (pranayama) and gentle asanas, has been a really wonderful support.
Wishing you the very best

littlefish

Well, I don't have a diagnosis for any disorders, but I used to have that! I would feel intense anxiety in response to particular moments in life and the panic would set in and the only cure I knew what to do was have a drink.

In recovery I learned that I probably had developed that reaction to difficult moments as a child. I had grown to believe that I was incapable of experiencing painful emotions or stress, so I learned to flee.
alcohol is a great way to flee uncomfortable emotions.

I would recommend a program. A program teaches us to identify trigger moments and trains us to activate certain behaviors when those triggers hit.
Eventually, I have learned to ride them out. In some recovery programs it is called surfing on the emotions. I learned gradually to not be so terrified of emotions.

I have crappy days and very crappy moments that used to send me directly to a drink. But I have put a lot of work into identifying my feelings, determining if I actually have to react or respond at all, (often I don't) and that the feelings are endurable.

It can be AA or RR, both programs talk about triggers and changing our behavior towards them.

coolstorybro

You gotta try to throw yourself into situations you normally wouldnt, try new things etc. and see the kind of person you are after a long period of sobriety. You will feel embarrassed when you look back on what you did and thats plenty enough to keep you away. shouldnt think about "how could one not drink for the rest of their life"

FreeOwl

welcome....

I don't know what it's like to have severe anxiety - but I do know that I have SOME anxiety and I do believe that it has been made progressively worse by alcohol and other drugs I've used in my life.

And, I do have direct personal evidence that in sobriety, it begins to get better and I begin to have the presence and awareness necessary to begin addressing it and retraining my body and mind.

I hope that you begin to discover similar things and that you can have faith for now in the hope of a far, far brighter future without drinking or drugs.

least

I'm not a moderate drinker, I can't drink in moderation. I'm sober for life and like it that way. It's been over four years now and a long time since I've thought of drinking. Living sober is my new normal and I like it a lot.

MIRecovery

I don't stay sober forever i stay sober today. Moderation was an alcoholic fantasy for me

Dan Dare

That's exactly where I'm at... well said friend.

I'm at 50 something days and haven't been Mr. Upbeat lately.
The thought of staying sober forever is too much for me to absorb.
Today is much more absorbable....

Notmyrealname

You can't do tomorrow today, you can only do today today. So why worry about tomorrow?

Just worry about today. Today is plenty.

I am 240ish days sober now, I guess? Boils down to three words:

Sober today. Again.

Hawkeye13

I couldn't moderate either.

I had huge anxiety before and for a few months after quitting, but it got much better
and has now nearly vanished.

Hang in there and give it some time.

[I couldn't think of "forever" either--I started with each day, six months, and then a year.
After that it has been pretty easy, except for my stupid idea of trying "moderation" again for a few weeks. . .]

freshstart57

It was a relief for me to know that I am, and am going to be sober forever. Never again will I be a mess because of alcohol. None of the depression, anxiety, shame, guilt, soul sickness, hangovers that always go with addiction to alcohol.

This is a source of comfort to me, this knowledge. It is my jewel, my nest egg. Everything else can go hang, but this thing is mine, and nothing can ever take it away from me. I have beaten this, and that's something.

aasharon90

Putting different toxic substances in our
bodies cause a chemical imbalance to our
systems.

Alcohol, drugs, prescription meds, all are
substances that enterfere with the natural
flow within our minds and bodies.

I make sure that my physician knows about
my addiction and program that I am using
to help stay sober each day. He is aware
that I do not want anything narcotic or
habit forming if meds are to be used or
administered.

Is Valium a narcotic?

For me, I wouldn't use it, because it is a
strong narcotic and would effect the imbalance
of my system.

If depression, anxiety occurs, then work
closely and honestly with your doctor
to help you grown healthier in recovery.

Dee74

I suffered terribly from anxiety too wendolene, especially after I quit...

but I knew there was no solution with alcohol so I soldiered on - sometimes it was minute by minute rather than day by day, but I had SR, my Dr and a counsellor to help me.

Gradually the anxiety got less and less and I grew stronger and more confident.

We don't live our lives all in one lump, we live it day by day - I believe that's how we should tackle this problem too - lean on us...I hope your GP will help too

D

tuxiemama

I am bat **** crazy and know it and only wine helped but all it did was slow my craziness down... no other drugs are going to help my problem... I will just be crazy one day at a time... now sans the wine

EndGameNYC

It can be heartbreaking to think about never drinking again, especially for the rest of our lives. There is nothing even close to being as heartbreaking to me in my life as all the damage I did to myself and others while drinking. A great excuse to drink. If I weren't able to rebuild my life and recreate who I am, I wouldn't have stayed sober for as long as I have.

"Not drinking for the rest of our lives" is rarely how people achieve long-term sobriety. After putting down the drink, change happens, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. Without my being proactive with my recovery, I'd have been the same unhappy person I was while I was drinking.

Life awaits.

EternalQ

I'm sorry you're having a hard time. I felt similarly in the beginning. Then it changed to off and on. It was like coming out of a coma.

Regarding your question:
In the beginning I told myself I would abstain for a year and see if a sober life was worth it. What I found was sobriety was worth it from very early on, way before a year!!.

Getting sober felt like it took all the strength I had, but here's the thing: Quitting drinking MADE me strong. It is the strength you get from doing it every day that builds on itself.

I was very weak in every way when I began. If I had waited till I felt strong before I quit, then I would still be waiting.

I intend to abstain for life .....but I know the only way to do that is one day or hour at a time. I can't take my recovery for granted... which makes it all the more prized and makes me all the more grateful.