Friendship Question
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Friendship Question
Hi
This is not an alcohol question but rather a friendship boundary question.
I have a very dear lovely older woman mentor friend whom I respect a great deal. She has been supportive of me since I was about 8. She and I have talked almost daily for many years even though we live far away.
The problem I am having has surfaced a couple times over the last 5+ years and it is the frequency we talk. Sounds silly but I don't want to talk everyday or even every week. I need some space. It isn't that I don't like her or appreciate her, but I feel drained after talking most of the time. She also has a tendency to ask what have a I done today...meaning how productive are you, what have you accomplished, etc... I feel like I have to report something positive when she asks and frankly I don't want to be asked. I am almost 40 and don't like feeling that I need to explain myself to anyone. I know that she doesn't mean it like that exactly, but that is how I feel when asked.
She is older but still very active in her profession and has crazy energy. She has two adult sons who are married and their wives thus her boys keep her at arms length (this hurts her feelings) but I know her questioning (feels like badgering) is a big reason why. She is a very persistent phone caller and when I skip a day or two not returning calls, I get interrogated about what have I been doing and why haven't I called.
Any thoughts would be appreciated. I am too chicken to outright say anything because I treasure her friendship and know it will NOT go over well if I say something directly.
This is not an alcohol question but rather a friendship boundary question.
I have a very dear lovely older woman mentor friend whom I respect a great deal. She has been supportive of me since I was about 8. She and I have talked almost daily for many years even though we live far away.
The problem I am having has surfaced a couple times over the last 5+ years and it is the frequency we talk. Sounds silly but I don't want to talk everyday or even every week. I need some space. It isn't that I don't like her or appreciate her, but I feel drained after talking most of the time. She also has a tendency to ask what have a I done today...meaning how productive are you, what have you accomplished, etc... I feel like I have to report something positive when she asks and frankly I don't want to be asked. I am almost 40 and don't like feeling that I need to explain myself to anyone. I know that she doesn't mean it like that exactly, but that is how I feel when asked.
She is older but still very active in her profession and has crazy energy. She has two adult sons who are married and their wives thus her boys keep her at arms length (this hurts her feelings) but I know her questioning (feels like badgering) is a big reason why. She is a very persistent phone caller and when I skip a day or two not returning calls, I get interrogated about what have I been doing and why haven't I called.
Any thoughts would be appreciated. I am too chicken to outright say anything because I treasure her friendship and know it will NOT go over well if I say something directly.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Missfixit---it sounds like the relationship has many features of a parent/child type relationship. I do hear that you feel gratitude and loyalty and care about her, though.
I am just spitballing here.........warm?.......
dandylion
I am just spitballing here.........warm?.......
dandylion
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Perhaps begin by not answering the phone or not calling her for one day....see how that plays out. You don't have to pick up the phone if you see that it is her calling. You can be busy cleaning, running errands, talking to other friends....you can be busy spending quiet time alone with a book or watching a movie.
Just one day without the conversation. Then perhaps make it two days in a row....etc.
Pretty soon, you are talking to her maybe once a week
Just one day without the conversation. Then perhaps make it two days in a row....etc.
Pretty soon, you are talking to her maybe once a week
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1,778
My dad is very similar. I love him to pieces, but I can't talk to him everyday. His is also super hyper and very goal-oriented I let his calls go to voicemail and talk to him every few days. I will text him little things (he doesn't text), so he knows I am alive and kicking. Does she text? Maybe it would be easier just to send messages here and there and talk to her once a week.
It's a hard one. I know you don't want to hurt her feelings but you're an adult and if you need some space you have every right to take it.
It's a hard one. I know you don't want to hurt her feelings but you're an adult and if you need some space you have every right to take it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
yes. she went to school with my father and they dated on and off for like 10 years after both were divorced. Her boys are around me and my sisters ages. we spent many holidays together. my dad was a major ahole to her though and cheated on her with two of his other girlfriends back then. they (my father and my friend/mentor) still have a close relationship today although it is behind my stepmother's back. i think it is platonic, but who knows and none of my business.
since my mother was mentally ill and not fit to be a mother, this woman stepped into the mother role to me and my sister in many ways, despite my dad being a self centered jerk. I feel great loyalty to her and it conflicts with his/our family's public persona with my stepmother(social climbing gold digger) at the helm, so there is a lot of frustration on all parts.
she calls me with concerns about my dad since he has heart issues now and is more concerned than my stepmother in many ways (stepmom gets lots of money at dad's death, friend gets nothing but a lost friend). why the hell he didn't marry this woman i will never know but things would be easier all around if he had. again, they talk all the time and visit occasionally.
our relationship is great but i can't seem to cut the cord and when i do her feelings are hurt....
since my mother was mentally ill and not fit to be a mother, this woman stepped into the mother role to me and my sister in many ways, despite my dad being a self centered jerk. I feel great loyalty to her and it conflicts with his/our family's public persona with my stepmother(social climbing gold digger) at the helm, so there is a lot of frustration on all parts.
she calls me with concerns about my dad since he has heart issues now and is more concerned than my stepmother in many ways (stepmom gets lots of money at dad's death, friend gets nothing but a lost friend). why the hell he didn't marry this woman i will never know but things would be easier all around if he had. again, they talk all the time and visit occasionally.
our relationship is great but i can't seem to cut the cord and when i do her feelings are hurt....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
thanks. i do and have skipped her calls. I will wait a few days and then call her back and she is irritated and asks where have i been. we just had this conversation a few minutes ago. aghhh... i have tried weaning her off the daily calls into weekly ones, but not successfully.
she gets mad if i text b/c she has to pay for them. calls are free.
she gets mad if i text b/c she has to pay for them. calls are free.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
MsFixit---people run into this dynamic, I think, with their own blood family members--loke a mother or grandmother or a close aunt...... I would say to treat it the same way you would in that circumstance. You certainly don't be mean to them or be unkind. You just gently and gradually change your behaviors--similar to the suggestion that Seren just said. Our relatives don't always like it when we change behaviors, either....but, they gradually adjust and keep on loving us, anyway. Don't most mothers complain that their adult children don't call or write or visit as much as they would like? LOL...who writes much any more.....
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
Take back the ball in ur court, so to speak,
where you will be in control of what you want
or need in ur own recovery.
For me, I don't like being around many people.
I don't want to have to entertain someone. I
know for some it may sound selfish, but hey,
this is my life, my recovery, my health, my
heart, emotions, conscience, feelings....etc.
Im taking care of me and what I need to
remain sober, for one thing, then happy, honest,
and healthy.
No one knows me better than myself.
In my own families dysfunction, misunderstanding,
lack of communication, I had to distant myself,
divorce myself, sever ties, because they were
not heathy for my own piece of mind and recovery.
Im learning a lot from my husband, who has
taught me that if someone asks a question,
just answer it without explanation. I don't need
to go into detail about anything.
Also, because I don't talk or communicate
with my family orf orgin, if someone asks
about them, like hows ur folks, all I have
to say is....I have spoken to them in a
while. That way, it cuts the extra questions
from being asked about them from over the yrs.
Anyway, I have a few friends id like to say
hello to, yet, I don't want to in a way because
they will want to meet, want to hang out,
come over to visit, and im so settled in my
own life, and don't like people knowing
my business.
Im just happy with my husband and I in
whatever we do together. Less stress, less anxiety,
less being someone others would want me
to be. I don't want to have to put on airs.
Be fake. Phoney. I just want to be me.
Healthy, Happy, Honest in recovery.
That's all I got.
where you will be in control of what you want
or need in ur own recovery.
For me, I don't like being around many people.
I don't want to have to entertain someone. I
know for some it may sound selfish, but hey,
this is my life, my recovery, my health, my
heart, emotions, conscience, feelings....etc.
Im taking care of me and what I need to
remain sober, for one thing, then happy, honest,
and healthy.
No one knows me better than myself.
In my own families dysfunction, misunderstanding,
lack of communication, I had to distant myself,
divorce myself, sever ties, because they were
not heathy for my own piece of mind and recovery.
Im learning a lot from my husband, who has
taught me that if someone asks a question,
just answer it without explanation. I don't need
to go into detail about anything.
Also, because I don't talk or communicate
with my family orf orgin, if someone asks
about them, like hows ur folks, all I have
to say is....I have spoken to them in a
while. That way, it cuts the extra questions
from being asked about them from over the yrs.
Anyway, I have a few friends id like to say
hello to, yet, I don't want to in a way because
they will want to meet, want to hang out,
come over to visit, and im so settled in my
own life, and don't like people knowing
my business.
Im just happy with my husband and I in
whatever we do together. Less stress, less anxiety,
less being someone others would want me
to be. I don't want to have to put on airs.
Be fake. Phoney. I just want to be me.
Healthy, Happy, Honest in recovery.
That's all I got.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Thanks Sharon. I feel much the same way too. Although I am not an A, I try to maintain my sanity by living simply and without stress. I used to be way more involved with people and social stuff when I was younger, not interested anymore.
I wish my bf was like your h in his keeping to himself. my bf grew up here and his family all live in town. they are in each other's business ALL THE TIME. I refuse to do things with them b/c I do not want to get caught up in their "stuff."
I wish my bf was like your h in his keeping to himself. my bf grew up here and his family all live in town. they are in each other's business ALL THE TIME. I refuse to do things with them b/c I do not want to get caught up in their "stuff."
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
