Inca

Hi-

I really feel the need to post tonight.

I have been struggling lately with a lot of shame over what I did when I was drinking and the things I said to people, particularly people I work with. I returned to work recently after taking a leave and I have to see these people daily. The shame is so bad that I find myself avoiding face to face conversations and if I run into them in the hallway, I immediately turn around and take another route. It's not only causing a lot of stress, but it's definitely not good for actually getting my job done.

When I've forced myself to meet with people one on one, I leave the room after and basically have a panic attack.

I'm really not sure what to do about this. I thought after a few weeks that I would feel more comfortable but it seems to be getting worse instead of better.
I felt extremely strong before I went back to work and I can feel myself getting weaker and more self defeated everyday.

Does anyone have any advice or thoughts on this?

Thanks for the input. I really need it!

Inca

Dee74

Hi Incas - has anyone said anything to you or reacted in a negative way or is this all stemming from what you think might happen?

I think you need to forgive yourself, yeah.
We all did things we're not proud of - that doesn't make us bad people.

We saw the problem, we admitted it and we're dealing with it - those are all good things - getting your life back together shows guts - it's not a shameful thing at all

Do you have any real life support at all, Inca?

D

silentrun

I had a really hard time letting things go for awhile there. I finally figured out how to forgive other people and let things go that had been done to me. When I did that the next step was to forgive myself. It just kind of happened effortlessly. I don't know if that is what's going on with you. I accepted the fact that I am just human.

Inca

Yes Dee, I have lots of real life support. Talking about it isn't getting me anywhere, unfortunately. I haven't run into anyone yet that's been in my particular situation. Or they tell me I'm lucky to still have a job and just deal with it because it will get better if I face it head on. Unfortunately, I'm not quite sure how to "deal with it" or what that looks like yet. Facing it head on is giving me panic attacks!

Dee74

I was self employed for most of my drinking so yeah, I've not had to deal with workmates on a daily basis.

I was going to suggest counselling, but if you feel you're all talked out, maybe that's not something you want to pursue?

For me, I had to focus on today Inca - yesterday was gone, and there was nothing I could do about that.

I did my best to live a full and a good life and make the most of every sober day. I did a lot of service work, helping others.

Gradually who I was becoming became more important to me than who I had been....and strangely enough people tended to forget who I'd been too.

I was the dirty unkempt unwashed neighbourhood drunk. I didn't think people would ever forget that - but they did.

Looking back I see I kinda assumed that my humiliations were as important to other folks as they were to me - of course that wasn't the case at all. Most people never gave it a second thought, and gradually neither did I..

I hope all that happens for you too Inca

D

KateL

It sounds like people are rooting for you so try not to beat yourself up. The shame does go away xxxx

Threshold

It sounds more like you are worried about them not forgiving you.

You are worried about their reaction/facing them.

If you feel shame and regret, apologize to them, face to face. Is it scary? sure...but it will actually address the situation more successfully than running and hiding. And the reality is that you fear your feelings. Or do you actually think that if you face these people they will truly harm you?

Many of us drink because we don't want to feel what we are feeling. Part of learning to live sober is to learn to live with our feelings, and to make life changes that will lead us into fewer situations that will bring on those feelings.

When we are no longer drinking, we tend to find ourselves in less situations that lead to pain,shame, panic, job loss, legal troubles etc. It's awkward at first, but we learn that actually addressing situations is a more solid fix and solution than hiding either in a bottle or in actuality.

SoulKat

Oh Inca... I know it's difficult but try to forgive yourself. We are always harder on ourselves than other people I think. It's in the past now and you're moving forward. People will see that you're on track and doing the right thing.

HeartsAfire

I used the "prayer" referenced in the link below when I was working the steps & on my amends. It was so helpful & healing. If you chose to do it, don't forget to add your name to the list. It takes a while as you say this meditation for 40 days for EACH person you need to. Maybe it will help.

40-Days to Real Forgiveness, My Story Using J. Everett Irion’s Wisdom | Notes Along the Path

Inca

Thanks guys. All very helpful insight and support and I will check out the 40 days prayer.

MythOfSisyphus

I'm certainly not an expert at forgiveness but I once once an expert at getting drunk and making an arse of myself. I got divorced almost 20 years ago, and for most of the last two decades I've told myself it was 95% the fault of my ex. Well, once I quit drinking my view started to change. About three years ago I actually got in touch with her and we talked for the first time in about 15 years. It was nice. But I still drank at that point. We've kept in touch by email but haven't spoken in a while, and I really would like to talk to her again about my drinking. Mainly to apologize in person and let her know that I know what an obnoxious a$$ I must have been.

Bottom line- we can't change the past. It's done. All we can do is make amends and address the future...sober.