The gay addict - ADVICE/HELP needed
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Salt Lake City, UT
Posts: 2
The gay addict - ADVICE/HELP needed
I've lurked this board for a while and always have loved seeing these posts of alcoholics overcoming adversity.
The reason I put gay addict in my title is because the LGBT community has one of the highest rates of addiction/suicide.
I'm going to give you a back story. The reason I put gay addict in my thread title is because the LGBT community has some of the highest rates for addiction. I'll tell you my back story and not because I want sympathy, I just want understanding.
I grew up with no father and a mother that had rheumatoid arthritis. My parents divorced the first year I was born. My mother took us to Utah from California for reasons I will not discuss. She wasn't much of a mother even though I was her first son after three daughters. I was spoiled but my mother wasn't available emotionally or physically. At the age of seven, I found her dead of an overdose of her pain medication. At this time, my father came back into the picture. He had remarried and finally gotten custody of us (myself and my sister Rebekah) It was nice to have my father back, but he also brought a verbally/physically abusive stepmother into the picture.
I was also raised Mormon and around the time I was 12, I started to fully realize that I was gay. I stopped attending church around 13. I felt lost after that. Not because I didn't have "God" in my life, but because I didn't feel I had anyone that understood my pain. I started with drinking, cocaine, and marijuana. I finally felt whole as an individual.
Around the time of 20 years old. I started to get into painkillers, heroin. Anything that would shut my mind off so that I could be me. It was easy to get the painkillers as my father was prescribed many of them throughout the month. I was addicted to opiates for 2 years before I said enough was enough and I was kicked out of living with my father for stealing his pills.
That was a blessing in disguise because I was able to get clean and have been clean from heroin for going on 3 years now. I was completely sober and started for find my place in life. I was in school for a health/fitness degree and and had a 4.0 GPA for my first two terms. At that time, I started drinking again and this time it has fully taken over my life. I didn't intend it too, I'm just one of those souls that has a hard time with dealing with pain from the past.
Anyways, I have been struggling with my alcohol use for the last year and a half. I drink because I don't want to have to feel and I don't wanna go back to heroin/opiates. I have had to take multiple semesters off school because of my drinking and two weeks ago I lost my job due to attendance and missing work or being late because I wanted to continue drinking or I was hungover.
I really want to get sober but I'm afraid because I don't know who I am or what feelings I have because I've always numbed them and also because I want to be a normal drinker like I used to and be able to go out with friends and have a drink and not get completely wasted like I usually do.
I'm afraid of AA because I'm an atheist and that whole higher power thing scares me. I guess I'm just asking because I really do want help and want to make my life better and not so depressing. I just don't really know how. Alcohol totally has a hold on me and I don't know how to defeat that demon.
The reason I put gay addict in my title is because the LGBT community has one of the highest rates of addiction/suicide.
I'm going to give you a back story. The reason I put gay addict in my thread title is because the LGBT community has some of the highest rates for addiction. I'll tell you my back story and not because I want sympathy, I just want understanding.
I grew up with no father and a mother that had rheumatoid arthritis. My parents divorced the first year I was born. My mother took us to Utah from California for reasons I will not discuss. She wasn't much of a mother even though I was her first son after three daughters. I was spoiled but my mother wasn't available emotionally or physically. At the age of seven, I found her dead of an overdose of her pain medication. At this time, my father came back into the picture. He had remarried and finally gotten custody of us (myself and my sister Rebekah) It was nice to have my father back, but he also brought a verbally/physically abusive stepmother into the picture.
I was also raised Mormon and around the time I was 12, I started to fully realize that I was gay. I stopped attending church around 13. I felt lost after that. Not because I didn't have "God" in my life, but because I didn't feel I had anyone that understood my pain. I started with drinking, cocaine, and marijuana. I finally felt whole as an individual.
Around the time of 20 years old. I started to get into painkillers, heroin. Anything that would shut my mind off so that I could be me. It was easy to get the painkillers as my father was prescribed many of them throughout the month. I was addicted to opiates for 2 years before I said enough was enough and I was kicked out of living with my father for stealing his pills.
That was a blessing in disguise because I was able to get clean and have been clean from heroin for going on 3 years now. I was completely sober and started for find my place in life. I was in school for a health/fitness degree and and had a 4.0 GPA for my first two terms. At that time, I started drinking again and this time it has fully taken over my life. I didn't intend it too, I'm just one of those souls that has a hard time with dealing with pain from the past.
Anyways, I have been struggling with my alcohol use for the last year and a half. I drink because I don't want to have to feel and I don't wanna go back to heroin/opiates. I have had to take multiple semesters off school because of my drinking and two weeks ago I lost my job due to attendance and missing work or being late because I wanted to continue drinking or I was hungover.
I really want to get sober but I'm afraid because I don't know who I am or what feelings I have because I've always numbed them and also because I want to be a normal drinker like I used to and be able to go out with friends and have a drink and not get completely wasted like I usually do.
I'm afraid of AA because I'm an atheist and that whole higher power thing scares me. I guess I'm just asking because I really do want help and want to make my life better and not so depressing. I just don't really know how. Alcohol totally has a hold on me and I don't know how to defeat that demon.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
Hi and welcome Joshywaa - I think most of us can identify with being uncertain about life without alcohol or who we might be sober.
My life changed for sure, but I didn't lose out on the deal....and I think I stayed the same person I always was - just maybe a bit better because I've learned to face my problems rather than running away from them.
Recovery has really been about growth for me....but it's best to try and stay in today if you can - one day at a time...
thinking about the whole thing as one event makes it kinda monumental.
I know you'll find a lot of support here
we have a LGBTQ forum here too you might want to check out as well
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/glbtq-recovery/
D
My life changed for sure, but I didn't lose out on the deal....and I think I stayed the same person I always was - just maybe a bit better because I've learned to face my problems rather than running away from them.
Recovery has really been about growth for me....but it's best to try and stay in today if you can - one day at a time...
thinking about the whole thing as one event makes it kinda monumental.
I know you'll find a lot of support here
we have a LGBTQ forum here too you might want to check out as well
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/glbtq-recovery/
D
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
Hi Joshywaa, welcome to SR. This is a good place to come for support. I come here and do go to AA. I have had issues over the higher power but still go because i have learned a lot about myself along the way and i like the fellowship of other alcoholics. i would describe myself as willing to believe that there is something to believe.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: North salt lake
Posts: 3,325
[QUOTE=Joshywaa;4459083
I really want to get sober but I'm afraid because I don't know who I am or what feelings I have because I've always numbed them and also because I want to be a normal drinker like I used to and be able to go out with friends and have a drink and not get completely wasted like I usually do.
I'm afraid of AA because I'm an atheist and that whole higher power thing scares me. I guess I'm just asking because I really do want help and want to make my life better and not so depressing. I just don't really know how. Alcohol totally has a hold on me and I don't know how to defeat that demon.[/QUOTE]
I am 5 days sober. I don't know who I'll be or what I feel as I continue on. If you wish to detox, I would suggest a doctor for meds that can help with symptoms and also find out if you are healthy enough for a home detox. As for AA, nothing to worry about. No need for your "God" to be the same as mine to be successful. Of course, your first step is detox, then you get to learn to live without drinking. I also live in Salt Lake (actually north salt lake). I will PM you. Text back if you want to attend an AA meeting together. I haven't been going but we can find some meeting together.
Good luck.
I really want to get sober but I'm afraid because I don't know who I am or what feelings I have because I've always numbed them and also because I want to be a normal drinker like I used to and be able to go out with friends and have a drink and not get completely wasted like I usually do.
I'm afraid of AA because I'm an atheist and that whole higher power thing scares me. I guess I'm just asking because I really do want help and want to make my life better and not so depressing. I just don't really know how. Alcohol totally has a hold on me and I don't know how to defeat that demon.[/QUOTE]
I am 5 days sober. I don't know who I'll be or what I feel as I continue on. If you wish to detox, I would suggest a doctor for meds that can help with symptoms and also find out if you are healthy enough for a home detox. As for AA, nothing to worry about. No need for your "God" to be the same as mine to be successful. Of course, your first step is detox, then you get to learn to live without drinking. I also live in Salt Lake (actually north salt lake). I will PM you. Text back if you want to attend an AA meeting together. I haven't been going but we can find some meeting together.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: California
Posts: 195
Welcome. I was raised Jehovah's Witness and while they are not the same, they are both very tough religions to just... leave. A lot of pressure.
There are many LGBT AA meetings around me. I went to one once and I remember one man saying, "I'm gay, I'm an alcoholic, and I'm here on a Saturday night". He said it in good humor but it was his acceptance of it that was sort of peaceful almost. Hopefully there is one around you.
I was raised Jehovah's Witness and while they are not the same, they are both very tough religions to just... leave. A lot of pressure. There are many LGBT AA meetings around me. I went to one once and I remember one man saying, "I'm gay, I'm an alcoholic, and I'm here on a Saturday night". He said it in good humor but it was his acceptance of it that was sort of peaceful almost. Hopefully there is one around you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Salt Lake City, UT
Posts: 2
Thank you to everyone for the warm welcome and support.
@Raider - I tried messaging back but I guess you have to have a certain amount of posts before you can start sending messages haha. I would love to attend a meeting with you. My problem is just getting there. I know that I can do it, I know that I can. I'm staying with a friend over the next couple days to detox - I should be done by the end of the next week and ready to attend a meeting. I'll text you. It's always easier to go with someone that understands your struggle.
Good luck to everyone in their continued sobriety - I know I'll be there one day and I can' t wait.
@Raider - I tried messaging back but I guess you have to have a certain amount of posts before you can start sending messages haha. I would love to attend a meeting with you. My problem is just getting there. I know that I can do it, I know that I can. I'm staying with a friend over the next couple days to detox - I should be done by the end of the next week and ready to attend a meeting. I'll text you. It's always easier to go with someone that understands your struggle.
Good luck to everyone in their continued sobriety - I know I'll be there one day and I can' t wait.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 31
Hey Josh,
Do you think the underlying reason for your drinking and tendency to use substances still comes from your traumatic experience regarding being gay? It seems like that from your post.
Btw, being gay is perfectly fine. Completely normal. I'm straight, but if I were gay or bi, I'd see myself as normal as anyone else. To be honest, it's good that the world is changing regarding this. There's still ways to go, but it's a lot better than 20 years ago.
A little off topic, but I actually cringe a bit when someone says they're gay and other people say "That's ok", or "I have no problem with that". They mean well, and I respect that, but anything other than straight is still seen as different from the norm.
In reality, it's all equally normal.
Hope that makes you feel a bit better. And if you still have issues because of being gay, I recommend a good counselor. There are so many people who struggle with their sexuality, there's likely a lot of help available for that.
Be yourself man! And proud of it!
Do you think the underlying reason for your drinking and tendency to use substances still comes from your traumatic experience regarding being gay? It seems like that from your post.
Btw, being gay is perfectly fine. Completely normal. I'm straight, but if I were gay or bi, I'd see myself as normal as anyone else. To be honest, it's good that the world is changing regarding this. There's still ways to go, but it's a lot better than 20 years ago.
A little off topic, but I actually cringe a bit when someone says they're gay and other people say "That's ok", or "I have no problem with that". They mean well, and I respect that, but anything other than straight is still seen as different from the norm.
In reality, it's all equally normal.
Hope that makes you feel a bit better. And if you still have issues because of being gay, I recommend a good counselor. There are so many people who struggle with their sexuality, there's likely a lot of help available for that.
Be yourself man! And proud of it!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: North salt lake
Posts: 3,325
Josh, I'm ready for our meeting together. Just call me when you are ready. We will find a meeting, if we don't like that one, we will find another and another until we find one we like. I sent you my cell a few times, if you didn't get it, let me know nd I'll send it again. Looking forward to meeting you. Pam.
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