April1968

Why?

I need some help in figuring this one out; maybe more like coming to terms with this one folks, input very much welcomed and valued (I greatly appreciate people's opinions/experience on here):

I have visited a neighbours/good friends today which ended in us having a few alcoholic beverages together (apologies now if I offend anyone, not my intention at all) and a real Girly talk about love, emotions etc, as us girls do!!

Anyway, why do I come home to my sanctuary and my dogs who are my new, loving, unconditional family, to sit and think about my XAH? How much I love/d him, how much I miss him, and my regrets about the past and the drama that was our lives together? (Why do I have regrets? I gave 100%).

I know the answers really, but it just still (after I felt healed, and on my road to recovery) feels so sad and painful and like I will always love him and never move on completely with my life.

What is it about these people that makes us feel so drawn to them, so hard to forget and move on completely? Or is it not them, but us/me and my 'codie' personality?!

I thought I was getting there. Maybe it's just a moment of madness/reflection but I'm sure there are many of you who have/feel the same emotions?!

I'm not weak, but do I love and care too much?!

Bugger, why can't I just forget? I feel like these emotions will never go away and this man and his illness/pain/addiction will stay with me forever! Input/opinions/advice much appreciated as I feel very frustrated with myself!

Sorry if this is jumbled, just really frustrated as I thought I was healing, maybe just a moment of madness but interested to know how others feel?! It's been months since I have seen him! Why do I still feel that slight need/want to contact him?!

Insaneshame

It's the thought of "coulda been". What would life have been like if he coulda and woulda done, had he been sober. It's the potential we see in them, that they themselves can't, won't or refuse to see....the better, actually living and self-driving person we truly deserve and know that we know that we know they are, somewhere in there. And if he would just come out........but alas, drink first, as usual.

My AH actually did the sweet, loving, romantic things that all women want, for the first few years. (He rarely drank back then). So what gets me is that I know who he is, the "real" him, the sober him, the let's get this done him and all that's gone...beer is first now and nothing else matters. Separation gonna help? Who knows, but it's helping me and the kids. But I still have the hope that my real husband will be set free and sent back to me, should he so choose to get sober.

To what coulda been, but what's gonna be.........

Hammer

What if it turns out the Nice Guy was the fake, and what you are seeing now is the "Real" him?

Anna

You might want to check out this book to help you work through your feelings:

"Women Who Love Too Much: When You Keep Wishing and Hoping He'll Change" by Robin Norwood

dandylion

April1968---don't forget that you are human. It has only been "months" (less than 12).
It is human nature to develop bonds with those who are close to us---and it is human nature to grieve the loss of those bonds. The most supposed strong and well-balanced among us are no less subjected to the human process.

As you m ove along the grieving process and develop a new life in the present.....you can expect to reflect on the memories, sometimes....but it will be minus the pain that you still feel. I promise.

dandylion

Smiley1

Sounds to me like you are grieving. Loss of relationship, loss of hope, loss of the dream. Give yourself time and be good to yourself

AnvilheadII

you mention regrets.......it might behoove you to dive into that....make peace with it. then I suspect you will have a lot more freedom from the bondage of the past.

heck just the other nite an old flame showed up in my dream. the OLD him, well that would be the much younger HIM from long ago. there he was, dancing eyed demon. upon rising, I had to take some time and reflect....see I tried a few many years back to reconnect, to see if we would still at least be friends for pete's sake, older wiser and all that. but he still pulled the same stunts, played the same games, did the same stuff. he hadn't changed.....

but when it was the much younger him I was so starry eyed and over the moon, I couldn't SEE what really was.

today I can. what I miss was 20 years ago. and not just cuz of him....but because I was 20 years younger too! I miss the old times when I was young. who I was then....carefree, smitten. and really quite a mess.

Insaneshame

Hammer, I like the way you think!! Maybe this is the real him, and the rest was all smoke and mirrors.......only time will tell!!!

dandylion

Insaneshame---does it really matter, at this point if it is labeled the "real Him" or not. What matters it that the him that you remember and wanted is the "Never to be again Him". Sorry........

dandylion

April1968

Hi guys and thanks for your posts, much needed if only to bring me back to sanity! I know these emotions are to be expected but its the lonely pit in the bottom of the stomach that I struggle with from time to time.

However, dandelion, you are correct, it is early days, I'll give it more time, thank you!

I also agree with the 'what coulda been' but also that it really doesn't matter anymore. What matters is the here and now and getting on with our lives so we can move forward. As the Dali lama says, the past and future do not exist, it is only the present that exists and other than these little 'moments' that we all get, there really is no point in mulling it all over or waiting for things to change.

We only have one life and we all need to live it!

Thanks again, I'm safely back on 'my side of the street' again today, this sight is great isn't it?! x x

dandylion

April--it sounds l ike you are just about where you "ought" to be--given that it is early recovery time for you....I think every one of us can understand the feelings of lonliness and pain that you are experiencing, right now. I sure can!! Been there...felt like that!

I will say that there is a plethora of books that help one with letting go....of moving forward after a painful loss, such as yours. I found that reading some of those helped me when I was a crying, blubbering, hot mess---after a very painful break-up. Do you have access to Amazon.com? I always get the used books at a greatly reduced price. I highly recommend this form of self-help. I also found that daily structure--keeping busy---setting short term goals by baby steps---got me through some of the darkest days.

This will not last forever--the sun will come out again. I promise.

dandylion

April1968

Oh dandylion, thank you again! I have been doing really well but just had a little moment of weakness yesterday! Great thing is I was able to share on here!
I have been reading self help books and will take a look on amazon. I feel great compared to six months ago when I felt the bottom had fallen out of my world, but I'm aware I still have a way to go.
It's not just the loss of someone who I loved so dearly but coming to terms with the if, buts, why's etc, but I find this sight and literature a great help.
I have been keeping busy but sadly my brain doesn't always switch off, I'm sure you can relate to that too!
However, sometimes this isn't such a bad thing: I have been painting today and its amazing how a little anger can motivate!
Thanks again x x

dandylion

April--I sure can relate! Actually, you are so right about the anger---when it is harnessed properly---it has been my BEST motivator.

Keep posting...your journey can help others who may be in your same shoes, also!

dandylion

m1k3

For me what I had to do to get past the grieving was take a hard look at myself. What I was really upset with was not what my AW did at that time but what I did or didn't do. What I figured out was what I really resented was that I couldn't fix her.

I needed to focus on accepting that I did the best with what I had and forgive myself.

Your friend,

Insaneshame

Dandylion, you're right. He will never be what he was....romantic and all in the beginning, but if he chooses to get sober and STAY sober, I fully expect that we will have something even better than what our best was in the beginning! But, this is his choice.....either get sober or continue on as is. Either way, I've already made my choice and I'm still going to get better than what we did have, as the standards bar was just raised several notches, on what I find as acceptable/unacceptable behavior and how I choose to be treated from here on out!!!! (Thanks to everyone here showing by example and experience how to do/get that!!!!)