Grateful Newbie

Old 02-08-2014, 11:10 AM
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Grateful Newbie

Hello all,

I'm a newbie dealing with an AGF. My story sounds typical - GF #1 is the most loving, caring person on the planet and she generally exercises reasonable social restraint. I love her dearly. GF #2 appears during a binge. She acts upon impulses with almost zero restraint and without regard for the consequences or other people's feelings. If she doesn't black out and remembers the event the next day, the apologies start flowing.

I've spent hours here reading before registering and I have learned a great deal from the folks who have posted. I want to take a minute to thank everyone who has taken the time to share their stories and experiences. They have been a great help in assisting me to understand what I am dealing with, my options and my various potential paths to peace (which hopefully will, but may not include her).

Sincerely,

HopefulMatt
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Old 02-08-2014, 11:20 AM
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The 1st step in changing any aspect of life, is recognizing that there is need for change! Welcome and although I am sorry you have to be here, there is a great wealth of knowledge and experience in the people who post!
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Old 02-09-2014, 10:29 AM
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Insaneshame - thanks for the welcome!

Perhaps I am lucky that I recognize the need for change fairly early on in this. In fact, there were red flags from the beginning.

On the other hand, perhaps I'm stupid. I've gone down this road before, including professional counseling. The good thing is, I am better prepared to deal with things early on. I understand that these problems are NOT my fault, I cannot control anyone, but I am in control of what happens in my own life and I have the option to walk away.

I'd rather that be the last step. We have pretty good communication skills (I'm big on using "I" statements) and we haven't had a chance to discuss this issue yet. In all fairness, I have to at least make an attempt. I guess I came here for some ideas and I have found a few, but my visit also reaffirmed that the outlook could very well be grim.

I think I see myself in what someone posted elsewhere in the forum (in an unrelated post): "Going back for a second helping at the All You Can Stand Buffet". I get strength from that because it allows me to laugh at myself, so I'm keeping it!
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Old 02-09-2014, 11:59 AM
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Communication is key for sure and if you and her have yet to sit down and have a heart to heart, then it is definitely best that y'all do!

It is good that you have the skills to see what could happen, however the dice fall! All I can say is after you and her talk, don't just listen to her promise of change and live on hope that it will happen, instead watch her actions and see if she back's up those promises and actually begins the process of change!

Good luck to you and SR is always here for support!!
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Old 02-09-2014, 12:57 PM
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Hi Matt, and Welcome.

Have you tried this "I statement": I won't have a relationship with someone who drinks to excess. Then sit back and see what she DOES. Not what she says, but what she DOES.

I have been apart from my Xabf for over 6 months, and I left with the above statement. He promised to stop drinking. He hasn't. But meanwhile, I am safe and secure in my own life, working on taking care of myself and looking to a future without alcohol addiction in it.

My heart goes out to you, I know right where you are.
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Old 02-09-2014, 02:42 PM
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Are you sure she is an alcoholic or is she someone who abuses alcohol and acts stupid when drunk? Though blackouts are a sign of potential alcoholism, I'm not sure they are solid proof. Nor is excessive drinking or inappropriate behavior when drinking heavily.

I ask this because if she is not alcoholic--if she does not have the disease of addiction--then your communication with her, using "I" statements, could eventually have a positive outcome once the air is cleared.

But if she is alcoholic, then the relationship you will be attempting to negotiate will be your relationship with her addiction, and there is very little hope of working things out. She has to be clean and sober, and for a while.
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Old 02-09-2014, 03:43 PM
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Insaneshame and Spiderqueen - my thoughts exactly. I want to see how the convo goes and observe the actions that follow. Actions are louder than words.

EnglishGarden - no, I'm not sure. I would guess borderline. She can go for a few weeks drinking moderately with no destructive behavior and remain GF #1 during those times. Then comes the binge and GF #2. If we are home, usually things are fine but she can be easily agitated in that state. She has lashed out at me a couple of times and has done the same to family over the phone.

If we are out at one of those crazy bars where anything goes, the clothes start to fall off as she is a big show-off. I don't mind that in moderation (and it happens in moderation when she is sober, too), but during binges, it has gone over the line to the point that people around me ask if I really put up with that, and on more than a couple of occasions. This can happen at a home party as well. She tends to push it just short of the point where she gets kicked out.

This is the part that will be the most difficult to discuss, since she is kind of a free spirit and the moderate version of this is part of her sober persona. On the good side, we have discussed this once in the past. Without prompting, she described a point at which this behavior became disrespectful (a boundary) and I agree with it as a boundary.

I'm glad I came here and took the time to write this. It prompted me to remember that previous convo with her. I'm going to mention that boundary during our discussion, since it was hers to begin with.

Binges while out can also result in arguments with other people if someone pushes the wrong button.

The day after the binge, if apologies are in order, she makes them. Sometimes there a delay if she blacked out - but she tends to slowly remember as the day progresses. So far, she has not owed me a bunch and most have had to go to family and other acquaintances. Then, she'll avoid drinking for about a week, then start back up moderately for a while.

Stupid (and perhaps manic or hypomanic) behavior with no social restraint for sure. Beyond that, I don't know.

I've started off light while discussing the latest blowup she had with a couple of her family members. I said "I feel bad that you have to go through this" in an attempt to show the I notice and I care. I did not get a response to that, but I have laid the groundwork for a discussion. She did admit to drinking 3 bottles of wine in an attempt to offset too much caffeine earlier in the day and realized that consumption like that is a problem.

I want to tread lightly because she has issues with people being controlling. On the other hand, I once mentioned that it hurts me when she brings up a certain subject. Her reply to that was "OMG, I talk about that a lot. I didn't know it bothered you. I'm so sorry - I'll avoid it". She's kept her word on that one - even when hammered. I'm hopeful that I have similar success with these other issues.
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Old 02-09-2014, 06:46 PM
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I'm hopeful that I have similar success with these other issues

Hope is all we have sometimes. Just make sure that that's not all you're hanging on too! Sounds like you have an awesome plan for the convo.....just be prepared for possible rejection of what you say, but I hope she hears you!!

Do you know when you plan on having the "talk"? I had to pray, think, and plan for weeks in advance before asking my AH to move out, and I had to plan around his work schedule, as I didn't want it to disrupt his job. (A's can be so sensitive can't they?!?)
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Old 02-09-2014, 07:32 PM
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Due to completely unrelated medical reasons, now is not the time to have the talk. It has also been a couple of weeks since the last incident and I would rather have the talk when an incident (or consequences thereof) are fresh in her mind. I will probably wait until after the next incident when her head is clear. This may take a while. The last family incident really made her tone it down. If she brings it up sooner, I may take a shot at it then.

I also plan to start by discussing the behaviors rather than alcohol. I believe she needs to come to the conclusion that alcohol is a problem on her own.
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Old 02-09-2014, 07:33 PM
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here's the thing....GF#1 as you call it KNOWS that if she drinks she turns into GF#2..who sounds like a self centered exhibitionist little hussy - treading over others feelings, picking fights, taking her clothes off, etc....but she does it ANYWAY. oh sure she apologizes....and then does it again.

free spirit is another term for someone who doesn't care how her behavior affects others. while that may sound rather bohemian, it's really plain ole disrespectful. drinking to blackout on a regular basis is a huge concern. but she does it anyway. going out to bars and getting hammered and almost getting kicked out, ticking off relatives...coming up with EXCUSES to drink 3 bottles of wine....justification, rationalization, minimizing. all classic addict behaviors.

I guess whether she has a bona fide drinking problem or not, it's a problem for YOU. and by the way, you don't have two girlfriends.....it's who she is in one body, based on the substance ingested.......I guess only you can decide if this is really the kind of relationship you want.
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Old 02-11-2014, 03:12 PM
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I guess only you can decide if this is really the kind of relationship you want.

It's not the kind of relationship I want. I'll be in a position to see the potential for change after I discuss the issue with her and see her response, both in words and in actions.
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Old 02-11-2014, 04:02 PM
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Originally Posted by HopefulMatt View Post
It's not the kind of relationship I want. I'll be in a position to see the potential for change after I discuss the issue with her and see her response, both in words and in actions.
Matt, this word is always scary to me. So many of us here hung on for way too long, wasting time, opportunities and emotional and physical energy, b/c we felt our A had so much "potential."

Her potential for change means little. What counts is the actual change, what she actually does, not what she may do or try to do or says she'll do or will think about doing.

Bear in mind also that a year of solid recovery is considered a bare minimum for re-starting a relationship.

I do wish you the best, just want to warn you to please be careful not to get sucked into a lot of wishful thinking and hoping for the best--you need to use your head now, not your heart.
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Old 02-11-2014, 08:18 PM
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Thanks for the good wishes honeypig. Since I plan to discuss how certain behaviors make me feel as a first step, her response to that will be a good indicator of what I have to work with and I will go from there.

I've also wasted plenty of time on this in a past relationship. It was so bad that I could barely eat. I ended up losing 30 lbs in a short period of time. That's how much a human soul weighs.

Fortunately, through professional counseling, I learned that I always have the option of walking away and I came into this relationship with that in mind. I refuse to go through an extended period of the anxiety, grief and negative feelings again. This time, I have the tools and strength to prevent that from happening.

I do, however, need to give it a try. If I have to walk away, it will be easier knowing that I tried and I know there are plenty of good people here to provide support!
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