Do the behaviours of an addict ever improve?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Scotland, UK
Posts: 79
Do the behaviours of an addict ever improve?
I just wondered if an addicts behaviours ever improve. You know the ones - selfishness, self-centred, stubborn, self-pitying, moody, angry, silence, control.....and so on.
As some of you may already know, I split with my RABF just over a month ago and I was fine at first but I am now becoming unable to eat, sleep, concentrate, think of anything other than him, smile, etc.
I am so tempted to suggest we get back together AGAIN but do things ever improve or do we just go round in circles? I question whether he has the same amount of love towards me as I do for him. Although he says he does, his actions say different. We spoke up until 2 weeks ago then he came to use the gym where I work and, because I had make-up on, he left & went to another gym! I very rarely wear make-up but I started at 5.45am and had been feeling & looking like sh*t!
We never ended on bad terms....well there was no argument, but now when I go to my f2f meeting (which is only on one day per week), his meeting is just coming out at that time but he tries to sneak past without so much as a 'Hello, how are you?' and after 5 1/2 years, this is crushing. In the matter of 2 weeks, its like we are total strangers.
I now feel like I am back tracking in my own recovery and I feel unable to reign it in! I am going to the one available f2f meeting each week and reading my Families Anonymous book and praying but it doesn't feel sincere now, it just feels like I am going through the motions. I am aware that this is most likely massive co-dependency on my side as I feel like I have a gaping hole inside me without him but I am lost and don't know what to do to pull it back.
Sorry for the rant but I am feeling very distraught at the moment :'(
Any advice???
As some of you may already know, I split with my RABF just over a month ago and I was fine at first but I am now becoming unable to eat, sleep, concentrate, think of anything other than him, smile, etc.
I am so tempted to suggest we get back together AGAIN but do things ever improve or do we just go round in circles? I question whether he has the same amount of love towards me as I do for him. Although he says he does, his actions say different. We spoke up until 2 weeks ago then he came to use the gym where I work and, because I had make-up on, he left & went to another gym! I very rarely wear make-up but I started at 5.45am and had been feeling & looking like sh*t!
We never ended on bad terms....well there was no argument, but now when I go to my f2f meeting (which is only on one day per week), his meeting is just coming out at that time but he tries to sneak past without so much as a 'Hello, how are you?' and after 5 1/2 years, this is crushing. In the matter of 2 weeks, its like we are total strangers.
I now feel like I am back tracking in my own recovery and I feel unable to reign it in! I am going to the one available f2f meeting each week and reading my Families Anonymous book and praying but it doesn't feel sincere now, it just feels like I am going through the motions. I am aware that this is most likely massive co-dependency on my side as I feel like I have a gaping hole inside me without him but I am lost and don't know what to do to pull it back.
Sorry for the rant but I am feeling very distraught at the moment :'(
Any advice???
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: In the Middle
Posts: 632
I went through feelings like this when my RAH and me were only dating. I kicked him out after he stole a lot of money from his job. I just couldn't take it anymore. I was pregnant with his child... and knew that it wasn't healthy for me to be around him.
What helped me cope... and feel that I didn't need him or want him. Well, there were books. 1.) He's just not that into you. 2.)Single, happy and pregnant 3.) Chicken noodle soup for the single mothers soul
Then there's having faith. You know, the blind belief that everything is going to work out and be okay no matter what. Also, giving up control. What will be will be. I needed to focus on taking care of myself and my kids. Bettering my life, staying away from drugs, negative situations, crazy situations.... the selfishness.
Honestly - I hope you can believe that you are where you are because this is where you are suppose to be. You can't change what has happened.. but you CAN change the way you think about these things. I'm also extremely codependent. I can try not to be.. but I am who I am.
The best thing you can do for yourself... is feel those feelings but not let them define you. You don't need him. He doesn't need you. I know how hard that is to hear... but it's true. You will eventually get stronger... and what will be will be.
I recommend reading some self help books on relationship.
What helped me cope... and feel that I didn't need him or want him. Well, there were books. 1.) He's just not that into you. 2.)Single, happy and pregnant 3.) Chicken noodle soup for the single mothers soul
Then there's having faith. You know, the blind belief that everything is going to work out and be okay no matter what. Also, giving up control. What will be will be. I needed to focus on taking care of myself and my kids. Bettering my life, staying away from drugs, negative situations, crazy situations.... the selfishness.
Honestly - I hope you can believe that you are where you are because this is where you are suppose to be. You can't change what has happened.. but you CAN change the way you think about these things. I'm also extremely codependent. I can try not to be.. but I am who I am.
The best thing you can do for yourself... is feel those feelings but not let them define you. You don't need him. He doesn't need you. I know how hard that is to hear... but it's true. You will eventually get stronger... and what will be will be.
I recommend reading some self help books on relationship.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
sweetie, this "break up" has been going on for awhile now...he first moved out back in October, right? he's been distancing and detaching in stages....I know it's tough to let go....but we can't MAKE people stay with us. the decision to be together has to be MUTUAL....
time to work on acceptance of what is. doesn't mean you have to LIKE it, but acceptance of the reality of the situation is paramount to our own mental health and recovery. that you are so other-focused is a good indicator that you have become overly enmeshed with this person, overly dependent on them to make you feel ok.
now is the time to start making yourself ok. from the inside out. for you and for your young daughter. SHE needs you healthy and whole. she is learning from you about life and relationships.
I wish you health and happiness.
time to work on acceptance of what is. doesn't mean you have to LIKE it, but acceptance of the reality of the situation is paramount to our own mental health and recovery. that you are so other-focused is a good indicator that you have become overly enmeshed with this person, overly dependent on them to make you feel ok.
now is the time to start making yourself ok. from the inside out. for you and for your young daughter. SHE needs you healthy and whole. she is learning from you about life and relationships.
I wish you health and happiness.
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