BlueChair

I have been thinking about the stages it takes to get to acceptance. These are working concepts for me. I thought I would share them, and maybe people would like to talk about their own experiences with each stage in the process. (Denial, Anger, Fear, Grief, Acceptance)

Fear

Fear often comes from the uncertainty of the future, not knowing what to expect. Often underlying anger is the result of fear. Fear is often enhanced when people know little about the situation, so combating it often begins with education. The more a person learns, the more they feel in control, they learn what to expect. Fear also occurs when you lose faith in your ability to fight and to believe in the plan of the Universe. This is the most important stage to work through. Fear does no good.

cleaninLI

Fear also played a part in my addiction. I was afraid to stop taking the pills. I would think things like, "If I stop taking these pills, I won't be able to work and if I can't work than how will I make money? I will forever struggle!" Or "I will not have the energy to do all the things a need to do in this life without pills." Or " If I stop taking them, I will be too sick to go to work...I'll be fired from my job."

So basically fear served no useful purpose except keep me deep in my addiction.

BlueChair

Ive been trying to figure out what to tackle next. I have decided the root of some of the other emotions is really stemming from fear. I think this is where I must go next, look at my fears and determine what part I can minimize, rationalize, and whats left to make peace with, this will hopefully eventually lead to acceptance and a more content state of being. Im not going to lose my marriage because of my own fears !

BlueChair

I had planned to talk about this in my counseling session last night, was headed there but the rain and traffic was terrible and I decided to call and cancel. Ive talked a lot about fear with her already, but Im stuck on things like knowing relapse is possible and Im past worrying about him having a perfect recovery, but its knowing he could die if he relapses, and I hear what the rehab doctor said over and over in my mind stressing that point because of the way he binges. What if it happens years from now and we have kids and I have to take care of them alone? I know I have lots of family support, good friends, but none of that would make up for their dad. I also fear it could get to the point I would be forced to leave him and I fear that decision. My fear of not being able to take are of myself has faded little by little. I know I could live without him if need be, but I fear the choice.

greeteachday

BlueChair, I've found that most of the time for me trying to assume control over certain things (something I didn't realize I did until I started working on me) is/was just fear showing itself in another way and that my fears and worries often stopped me from living my life to the fullest. I can be very imaginative which is where I would let those fears take me, but I can also be very logical in my approach to certain things. So I decided to take some fears and analyze them....Play them out in my head, then play out what would happen if the fear didn't come true (which for me is way more often than it really coming true). I concluded that in neither scenario did worrying about it and projecting make a difference in any way other than to keep me in a state of anxiety and sadness.

I realize that sounds a bit trite and I understand that some of your concerns are valid when you are thinking about bringing children into the world. It wouldn't be so responsible to do that if you thought the probability of some of these fears actually happening was kind of on the high side. So I guess what I am saying is I think it is great that you want to work through this and to do so with your counselor as well; I just hope you won't let fears paralyze you or cause you to stand by while exciting and fun opportunities in your life present themselves.

I love that saying - Be a warrior not a worrier!!

Neagrm

The universe is amazing. I came to the site tonight after a hiatus and only briefly. First thing I happen to come across is this great post on the stages of acceptance.

I'm familiar with the "stages of grief" but had never noticed until now in a sudden deeper awareness, "the stages of acceptance."

Because...
Just today as I took time out for an intense bout of processing grief, someone said that phrase to me, "stages of acceptance." It caught my attention and I want to explore it to become more conscious of what helps and what hinders that journey.

So delightful and serendipitous to come on here and find the exact theme that just popped up today for me. Thank you for this thread!

Greeteachday, I love the quote in your signature, too. Is it yours? I'd like to pick it up for my quote list. The warrior not a worrier phrase is great. Bluechair! My son just deployed and I can hold onto your quote for a reminder of strength to endure.

greeteachday

neagrm, thank you. I saw it on a blog somewhere and really liked it - I wish I could say it was my own quote It didn't have the source, but I just looked some more and I believe it came from this quote by Jim Rohn who is a motivational speaker for business and life

“The challenge of leadership is to be strong, but not rude; be kind, but not weak; be bold, but not bully; be thoughtful, but not lazy; be humble, but not timid; be proud, but not arrogant; have humor, but without folly.”

Neagrm

Who/What is the source of the this quote? Just curious who to attribute it to. Thanks.

It's a good start to get the brain started. Now I need to take it further, go deeper to really get some solid understanding to work with. What is the fear behind the "not knowing?" What is it about uncertainty that gives rise to fear? What story am I telling myself that makes it harder when I "lose faith?"

When I educate myself and learn what is the bottom line of my fear/s, then I can learn ways to help myself deal with it and move forward. Getting to the bottom of it is my challenge. It seems like I can't see what it is enough to give it a helpful label I can directly address and apply tools. General ideas are a place to start. I need to learn ways to take it deeper.

BlueChair

My deepest fears come from events that took place at the very beginning when I became aware of my husband’s relapse. I wasn’t living with his addiction on a daily basis and then one day he didn’t come home from work or overnight, wasn’t answering calls, was nowhere to be found. My mind didn’t go to a relapse on drugs, it went to his being in an accident of some kind. When he came home he admitted the drug use, but promised me he would fix it and I believed him because he never lied to me. Life went back to normal but not for long because he went missing again.

Everything horrible started happening from telling his parents, discoveries about missing money, people searching for him, strange phone calls, missing car, police, investigators, the hospital and icu, that blue chair I sat in every day while I waited, and all the fears started running wild in my mind, and it only got worse the more things I discovered had happened.

The psychologist I started working with said I had been traumatized, and I did feel like my whole world had been spun around and there was no answer to any of this, or safe place for me. She started using talk therapy, and cognitive behavioral therapy to help me examine my emotional response and the thoughts going through my mind. Ive been keeping a journal of my feelings, and recording when I begin to feel anxious or afraid, then we look and try to rationalize each fear, are they real or imagined? What is the likelihood of it happening, take it a step further and role play it does happen and try to face those feelings and fears. Its helped me understand a lot about myself.

One of my biggest fears is worrying he will relapse. It’s a valid fear because a lot of people have some degree of relapse especially in the beginning. In all the scenarios in my mind they happen exactly like what Ive already experienced. He goes on a binge and disappears, becomes deathly ill, all completely severe. In my mind when Im waiting for that giant shoe to fall the fear is crippling, and it keeps bringing up all the intense feelings Ive already felt. This is a really hard one but I know rationally after working with him in our family session his relapse started two months before he disappeared. There was a window of time in there when he hid it all, when he could have got it under control. I know now he has surrounded himself with all these people, tools of recovery, and relapse doesn’t have to mean binge cocaine use, and his going missing again with outcome like it was before. Ive had people in recovery share that same thing with me without even knowing what my doctor said. So this biggest and worst fear of mine is possible but a relapse happening that way is not as probable as I make it out to be in my thoughts.

Accepting this is huge for me. Part of me wants constant reassurance throughout the day that he is safe, but its not something I can ask him for because at least I recognize the fear part is mine to own, and I have to deal with the emotions and let him live without being burdened to constantly reassure me. Its getting better with time, but on my dark days I go back to those thoughts of when I felt afraid, alone, and abandoned.

KateL

Fear is my biggest downfall. I am a proper scaredy cat xxxxx

allthatsgood

Bluechair, I have been through relapse with my son a few times. The hardest time for me was this past year. He had strung together at least a year of clean time. I was just not expecting or anticipating the relapse and that's what through me the most. He had his rehab experience, his sober living buddies and his AA buddies. Those were the people he went to on his own to restart his recovery. Not me, not his dad or his sister or his brother. And now he has 2 months clean time. With God's help hopefully this recovery will be even stronger. And with God's help, hopefully I will be less fearful.

9111111

BlueChair, I was in a very very similar situation and know how traumatizing it is.

When I feared relapse, I feared that I would lose everything again - everything being the sense of control I have over my life, my reality - or what I thought my reality was, the few answers that I worked so hard to find and the little sense of safety that I could re-establish.
I feared that a relapse would sent me back to sitting on the blue chair again, but this time things would be even worse and I would not have the energy to get up and fight again.

The addict in my life relapsed. It was worse than the first event, I suffered terribly, was full of fear, but did not drown.

Between the frst incident and the relapse I spent a good amount of time working on boundaries- what was exaf's and what was mine, how can I protect my sanity, when is it time to drop the rope.

Having an addict in your life is very painful, but for most of us it is a learning experience. Looking back I see that there was no way I could have prepared for this relapse, but preparing for relapse prepared me for life, with all its ups and downs.

BlueChair

Interesting, thank you for sharing.

The part about worrying you would lose the sense of control over your own life. I think I felt that initially when he was missing, and then in the hospital very critical. The whole world felt unstable to me, very confusing and maybe because I never experienced anything like that with someone in my family beign very sick. My mom said she felt that way when her grandmother became sick unexpectedly and passed away. I think that was the initial shock factor, and realizing how nothing in life is ever guaranteed for anyone.

I guess Im lucky because I never felt like I completely lost control of myself probably because I had a good support system in my family and friends. Things went on as normal for me once he got in rehab, but there was loneliness while he was gone. The unsettling part was feeling like the fabric of our marriage had been weakened in places I never thought possible, and they were tears, gaps in the reality if what I thought existed, and trying to reconcile it with facts discovered. I feel like with work Ive moved past most of that now.

I feel like this whole thing has taught me a lot, wouldnt have asked for it but its shown me Im capable, stronger than I thought, and its also made me realize had a lot of good coping skills already in place and they were just waiting to be called upon. Some of them came from my parents, and some of them were even learned in college, go figure it does help with real life skills.

I dont think boundaries will help with the fear of his maybe one day binging and dying. The only way to lesser those kinds of hurts it to withdraw form the person as a protective measure, and I dont want that, so it means i have to learn better to handle the fears and not let them hold me back from living.

The other things his relapse damaged we do have controls in place now, but I cant think they will be forever in place with things like money. I guess its more a little by little approach to some of it, and I cant even think about all that now.

BlueChair

Two months is great !! Thats what threw me too, wasnt expecting or had any thought of him ever using drugs again. He had a problem with coke but it was long before we met, about 8 years ago. It was the farthest thing from my mind when he went missing. His being kidnapped seemed more likely. Im trying to use a two step process with my emotions and fears, the first part is analyzing, rationalizing, and not letting them appear bigger than what they are. The second part is what you said, turning the rest over to to God, for me its knowing he controls the sun coming up everyday, its setting every night, there are a million things I could worry about every day, so much I would never leave home but I trust in the order of the universe, and the fact God will give me the strength, courage to accept whatever does come my way. I feel like he's been guiding me through all of this, and not failed me.

BlueChair

I faced one of my fears. came home to find him not using, but drinking. Not drunk but trying to numb himself. I could feel the fear bubble up in me and thoughts about how drinking in that moment would lead to him shooting up again, and I felt fear run through my body like adrenalin. The fear made me angry at first and I wanted to scream at him, smash the bottle, drag him right back to rehab, call his parents and ask them for help. I didnt do any of those things but I might have tried a few months ago. I calmed down, told my fears to quiet I wasnt giving them power over me. This allowed me to have an actual supportive conversation with him. Friday at work I snuck off for a bit and practiced meditating, letting go of remnants of fear, it helped me to be in the present and handle my work for the day. I tiny bit of progress for me !!

m1k3

For me one of the biggest things helping me deal with my fears was learning how to give up the illusion of control.

And any control you think you have is just that, an illusion. We can't control other people, places or things. We can't control our thoughts and emotions. If we could I would be happy all the time.

What we can control is whether we choose to react or respond to what is happening around us inside our heads. Reacting is running on auto pilot, following the same old patterns and doing the same things over and over again.

Responding is giving yourself a small break in the thought process, looking at your choices and then choosing. It's the start or rewiring your brain. To look at something and say to yourself "that's not happening now" or "who are you arguing with?" .

That little break, that pause, is enough to break the reactive chain. I have also found that when I take the time to make a choice rather than react I break the chain of guilt and shame. I know I made the best decision I could with the information I had at the time.

Edit: That stopping to choose rather than react is a great way of bringing yourself back to the present. Something might happen in the future but right now, I'm fine.

Your friend,

hopeful4

I think Fear is what is sending my anxiety attacks into a spiral recently. The fear of relapse and what has happened to my family and going down that road again. I know I cannot do that. However, I also know my children don't have a choice. While I can choose not to be a part of it again, my children's father will be their father forever. My fear is for them and what will happen to their lives. Their lives mean more to me than my own.

I am learning day by day not to let the fear spiral out of control. My AH has been spending lots more quality time with our kids. He has been stepping up helping out around the house. He is doing some things for his own recovery w/out my even asking him about it. I need to see these things as what they are, progress even if he does relapse. Living in the fear of what could happen tomorrow ruins all the moments of happiness we can be having today.

God Blesss. Thank you for posting these BC it helps my own recovery to be aware of my feelings and know that it is a choice for myself.

cleaninLI

Blue that's wonderful. I'm so happy that you're facing your fears better. I know it can't be easy at all. I'm glad you were able to relax and discuss his drinking in a calm manner. I don't doubt your husband was amazed at how differently you reacted. I wonder if he didn't purposely start drinking to get a reaction out of you.....set himself up. Sometimes, we do things subconsciously. He seemed to be very hard on himself, maybe he thought my father thinks I'm useless, let me show blue how useless I really am.....let me start drinking before she gets home. He may have been expecting a totally different response then the one you gave him. Who knows, right? Just something I thought about today.

BlueChair

Thanks Cleanin !! I had to think about this before I could respond. OH NO another one where Blue has been thinking !! Brace yourself, get some coffee before you continue !!!

Going over things from counseling and even this book Ive been reading about patterns of anger in relationships. We had our family session on Wednesday night and it was all good with him and between us. He had a bad day at work on Thursday, with his parents he’s not talking to them very much and the last time with his dad they had an argument and there were a lot of words spoken to him mostly centered around his being “selfish”. He keeps things bottled up inside and it all gets added to the inner fire. He even feels guilty I “have to go” to counseling, but I told him Im enjoying going learning a lot about myself, relationships. Unlike him I don’t have a problem talking anymore !!

I think because I wasn’t home when he got there, somewhere the wheels turned and he decided to have a proper pity party. He felt like “no one” respects all the work he is doing, then why do it. “Everyone” expects him to screw up, so he will drink and stop working on feeling things. I think it was a little of a revenge type thing, but I don’t think it was directed at me. He also didn’t get drunk, he seemed to know he was hurting himself, part of him cared and part didn’t. Its good there was a part that cared right ?

This book Im reading talks about how in some relationships, the woman is the emotional one, dramatic, reactive, overreactive !! The man is more quiet in his emotions. The two opposites attract, and one of the patterns that happens is the man will have some problem like something happened at work and he is upset. He will come home and tell his wife and she will react, she becomes expressive and angry over the injustice of it all, and he will be calm. She then gets angry because she cant see why he isnt joining her in the reaction to the situation. He on the other hand actually gets a relief from allowing her to express his emotions. He falls into a pattern of not exploring his own emotions and dealing with them. He just feels bad, comes home tells his wife and she responds releases all the emotions and he is then done. So the wife may get this idea to not respond at all, to detach from him but this doesn’t work either to solve the mans problem. He gets no response and feels its unworthy of emotion, so he holds the feelings in, still not dealing with them. Then one day all these things will blow up, and he will say he tried to tell her all these things were going on in his life, but she wasn’t listening, she didn’t care. Then a whole other war starts. All goes back to the patterns developed over time. Its interesting don’t you think? I don’t think we do that exactly, but he’s never been emotional one. More rational, logical, an emotion squishier. (that’s a word btw)

Not sure why Im telling you that, but the pattern of how couples deal with anger and communication is something Im getting into. I think my analysis into looking at situations will fade in time, hang in there if Im making you crazy!!

He’s said all along he wasn’t going to give up drinking, but knew he couldn’t drink for emotional reasons. He hasn’t drank much only a couple times one glass of something when we were out at dinner, or on vacation. We talked the whole drinking thing through in counseling and Ive told him my worries, but agreed to accept his decision. Last week he turned down a drink when we were out somewhere and hes been telling me right now he cant drink because hes been having too much anxiety and its not safe for him. I think drinking has been on his mind more than I realized. Drinking because of wanting to numb himself.

Now to answer your question, I think he expected me to respond calmly because of all the work we’ve been doing in our family session. He was rational enough at that point to realize he could have removed it all before I got home. He chose not to. I don’t think he expected me to fly into a rage, but if I had I and we argued, it might have given him the nod he needed to say F it all I don’t care and do more. Do you think that could have happened?

I think he wanted me to see how much pain he is in and that’s why he didn’t hide it. He wanted me to know, and comfort him. While I did sympathize with his pain, I couldn’t condone the drinking in this case. I couldn’t go down the poor pitiful you road because I felt like it would almost be giving the nod it was ok to drink and numb himself because life was so unfair to him. Mostly I tried to listen and ask questions so he had the chance to talk and express his emotions. No using me and my over-reaction as a vessel to express his emotions, not using my indifference to keep suppressing or to numb more. I tried to be there to listen and encourage him to feel. Its ok to feel things and say what your feeling. I want to listen and I care, but you’re the one who has to find a better solution and Im your biggest cheerleader.

Does that make sense?

Edited to say, Ive also realized I have to be in control of my own emotions or I cant offer that support to him. My counseling, my family, praying, my friends, including you guys here are my ways of processing, and making myself stronger.

cleaninLI

Yes, of course that makes perfect sense! That was more of an in-depth analysis then I came up with for sure! You are probably right too, it does make sense and you know him better and your usual communication patterns and relationship dynamics. I think the reason I thought about it in the way that I did is because I've done this. I've tested my husband's commitment level toward me. There were times when I did something that I knew would get a negative reaction and most likely start an argument.......not recently but at certain times throughout my marriage. Your post about your husband drinking, knowing that you would come home and find him that way and the knowledge he has about your feelings about his drinking, made me think about those times. Why did I do it? Probably abandonment issues, or low-self esteem or anger at myself. So I thought he may have the same types of issues.

Whatever the reason was, I am happy that the end result worked out very well.....you asked if I thought it could have resulted in a totally different scenario. Yes, I do....because if you guys were to have a shouting match....with his drinking, and being very angry with himself and his life, he could have very-well have embraced a **** it attitude and taken his pity party to a whole new dimension.....drunk the entire bottle and started on number two or rushed out of the house. You could have become so angry and fearful that you could have yelled and screamed back to him as well as called his parents and told on him. All these things would have set you back as a couple and caused other problems....like building resentments or less trust between his father and himself.

But, no need to dwell on what-ifs right? You handled that well and that's awesome.

Oh, btw, I'm interested in that book you're reading it really sounds interesting. Hmm, new term "emotion squisher"? I like that...could be MY husband too.