cricket123

How do you process all this information about alcoholics and codependent and enablers without your head spinning.

From his mom and sister rescuing my A and our kids from mean me. To what is he telling my one daughter that she won't text or talk to me today. To finding some mail that was sent to his moms house to what's happening now. And how should I handle it all. He won't tell me what went on with my daughters dr apt. (I only want to have conversation concerning our kids)

I just read codependent no more and I am trying to process the info.

I know I have options but my one question is how do you emotionally detach from someone who you built a life with?

I know I know, after showing me how mean and nasty he is I should head for the hills. I have not talked to him all week and now I feel a little guilty. (No reason to feel guilty he needs to face some consequences but I am the one that usually pays)

So back to the question how do you emotionally detach from someone?

Insaneshame

For me, I just did. I knew it was time to let go. I finally figured out that this was HIS problem, not mine and that I had carried way too much for way too long. Maybe it was the weight of carrying it all that finally pushed me over the edge.....I don't know. Maybe some serious self-reflecting, soul searching and praying (if that's your thing) on your part? Remembering that you are a person too, not just his wife and the kids mom, but a real person, with real feelings and real needs too. Go do something nice for yourself, just because. Go buy something pretty, or go get that burger you've been craving. Once you start doing a little living for yourself, my bet is you'll start feeling a little more detached from him.

Stung

Wait a second. Your alcoholic husband and his mother and sister took your kids from you? Am I reading that right?

As far as detachment goes, I'm only good at detaching from RAH once he is physically away from me. Plus, I'm 2 months into the stuff and my head is still spinning from it all. There comes a point where you really don't focus on them so much anymore but more how you got yourself into this situation in the first place and how you're going to get yourself out of it, one way or another.

choublak

How old are your kids?

marie1960

Stick to the facts
stick to the facts
stick to the facts

and remember your feelings (emotions) are NOT facts.

that's what helped me the most, ((((hugs)))))

cricket123

Sorry let me Clarify, by rescue I mean if I am planning something with my kids like a party my husband has his sister or mom (mostly sister now) come help me and next thing I know is things are planned that I did not know about or slit bigger than I wanted but when asked they said A knew. Or they step in and do things that as a mom I should be doing. So when I have an objection I am the one being unreasonable. The counselor we use to go to even agreed that they over step their boundaries. A is ok with them doing that and had them convinced something is wrong with me not him.

CodeJob

Hello Cricket,

First I detached on the drinking. A sea of beer went through here. I informed my A I would not buy it. I did not understand addiction although I knew he was a functional A. Maybe it was a good thing I didn't grasp addiction then.

Really some of my first changes for me came about at work. I would recognize patterns of behavior and my role. I started letting go. I stopped voicing my opinion - especially if I had given it before! I detached from a micromanager boss when I realized he treated everyone as clueless idiots and only he was capable. I started to tell him we did not have to always act. Some problems resolve with no intervention! I realized I could do a good job and only I noticed the overkill of perfection. I stopped the perfection effort.

I found Codependent No More so gripping I just started reading it over. I highlighted the heck out of sections that spoke to me. I journaled using some of the questions in the book.

I had a lot of anger that I was 'the codependent.' Initially I wanted my 'qualifier' to keep all of the mess. I wanted him to have all the blame. But really if I don't like being codependent, enabling really makes me gnash my teeth! I will always be a doer, a fixer, a people-pleaser. But just keeping my mouth shut and letting my mind mull things over helps me overcome my natural inclination in some cases.

Be patient. It isn't a perfect process.

cricket123

Kids are in high school. 2 are graduating this year. 1 left to go. Honor kids it try and keep them busy.

marie1960

A simple thank you for your offer to help, BUT I have already taken care of that, or I was actually looking forward to doing that, should suffice.

It's one thing to be a helpful, aunt or grandma, but this sounds more like a power struggle/ control issue by all involved.

It's ok to be direct in your communication, I have found taking more of a professional business tone with one of my over helpful/ controlling sister in law works. I remain polite, I firmly decline, thank them for the offer, and let it go.........

If they have a problem, it's on them, Not You.

We cannot control how others feel.

AnvilheadII

by rescue I mean if I am planning something with my kids like a party my husband has his sister or mom (mostly sister now) come help me and next thing I know is things are planned that I did not know about or slit bigger than I wanted but when asked they said A knew. Or they step in and do things that as a mom I should be doing. So when I have an objection I am the one being unreasonable. The counselor we use to go to even agreed that they over step their boundaries. A is ok with them doing that and had them convinced something is wrong with me not him.

the only way they can know of your plans is if you TELL them...or him. time to quit letting A run the show. quit giving him info he can use against you in any way. it's time to DETACH...unhook, unplug....do your thing, make your own plans and not share that with them...him, her. them. and if they do try to horn in, say I got this and I don't need your help or assistance, thanks. unless you stand up for yourself they will continue to walk all over you.

BoxinRotz

And once you detach, they will sense it and know the show is over before it even starts.

I detached from hubby when his drunkin drama lead to fight after fight after fight and I was so tired of his sh!t, I just stopped playing his game and he caught on real quick!

For the most part, we live a pretty peaceful life because of my detachment.

allysen

I don't know if 'emotionally' detaching is the right word. You don't detach from feelings and people, you detach from problems. We are human, and we have feelings for other people, even people we've never met (ever feel sad when a celebrity dies?). I don't think its possible to completely let go of those feelings. Detaching, to me, is more about not letting the behaviour of others impact me. It takes time and practice. The more you focus on yourself, and building up your strengths, the less what others do matters to you. It's definitely not an overnight process, but keep at it and it will come.

Connie11

I am in the "process" of applying what I have learned in Alanon about detachment. It seems that his early recovery has ups and downs-just as my detachment comes and goes. I go to lots of meetings and listen. I force myself to do several things per day to remove myself from the insanity. The best is movement-taking a walk with my ipod playing, exercise, gardening. Getting my mind on something useful or enjoyable helps. I have learned to take a pause before reacting. I pray and truly focus on the wisdom of the slogans in Alanon. At first I took in the information from Alanon intellectually. Now, I look at how they apply to my behaviors.


Love your quote, "Worrying is like praying for something you dont want"