msmagoo

Hi Everyone,

I'm new to this forum and I'm not one who usually seeks out help, but I am extremely lost on what to do about my situation so here goes...

I'm 22 years old and a soon-to-be college graduate. I recently moved back in with my parents while I complete an internship for the next 3 months and am struggling to live peacefully and comfortably at home. When I was in grade school, my mom took to drinking to cope with her daunting past and her failing marriage with my father. I can remember hundreds of nights when she would come home from work or school (she went back for her Masters) and would polish off a bottle of wine and then pass out on the couch leaving me with the responsibility of putting her to bed and dealing with her hallucination-like behavior. My parents had a very rocky relationship for most of my childhood and teen years but they somehow seemed to work things out. I'm sure their failing relationship had a lot to do with her drinking but she and my dad made efforts to stick together (probably for my brothers' and my sake) and my mom even started going to AA meetings. Things were starting to look up.

Now that I have moved back in with my parents, it has been brought to my attention that my mother is back to drinking heavily again. My dad confided in me that my mom now has a "stash" in her closet that is home to a new bottle of alcohol almost every 2-3 nights. Some nights I can't tell if she's been drinking but other nights she is completely belligerent and uncontrollable. I've asked my dad what he plans to do about her problem and I am ridden with guilt when he asks me "what will you do if things get ugly?" Here's the problem: My older brother and I both live at home because we are both buried in mounds of debt from college. My brother will hopefully be able to move out by the summer if he gets his teaching contract renewed and will essentially be able to support himself. I, on the other hand am entirely dependent on my parents still seeing as I am in much more debt than my brother is and I am doing an an unpaid internship for the next 3 months... so I have no income.

I want so badly for my dad to confront my mom about her problem because I can tell that it is eating him alive but I know he is hesitant to do so because of my brother and I. He's not sure what will happen if "things get ugly"... because they have in the past and my mom can become a very mean and sometimes violent person when she is confronted with issues she doesn't want to face.

So, I need help......

Insaneshame

If things are that bad and she gets violent, police can always be involved and she can be removed from the home. No sense for violence! It mostly sounds like you, your dad and your brother need to sit down and discuss what to do. Can the three of you make it without your mom's income? Maybe downsize to save money? There are options!

Do you want to confront her for YOU? I mean, it sounds like obviously your dad does, as he's been monitoring her drinking habits and asks you the question "what will you do if things get ugly". Sounds like everyone's tired of her drinking, as your dad's statements to you and your post here. Family meeting, just the 3 of you, would be a good place to start.

Sorry you have to be here too, but welcome anyway!! The people on this site are awesome and have a TON of experience and really good ideas!!

CodeJob

Msmagoo,

If it isn't hard enough to move back home when you are a young adult only to discover your mom is relapsed.

I agree you, your brother and your Dad should meet. Just to share facts. The caution I have is the twists your parent's marriage might bring to the table. Things were rocky in the past, and who knows what they buried to stay together. Does your mom have any remaining AA friends that might be willing to help get her back in AA? Has your dad tried Al Anon previously? Maybe you 3 should pal up and try it?

This might sound selfish, but I would focus on your future. Your internship should be your top priority. Your mom and dad know this. It is why you are home. You aren't there to save them from each other. Only your mom can decide to stop her drinking.

ladyscribbler

I want so badly for my dad to confront my mom about her problem because I can tell that it is eating him alive but I know he is hesitant to do so because of my brother and I. He's not sure what will happen if "things get ugly"... because they have in the past and my mom can become a very mean and sometimes violent person when she is confronted with issues she doesn't want to face.

What if instead of confronting her and trying to control her behavior you and your dad and your brother went to an Alanon meeting? No violence there, and you'll all learn how to live peacefully whether your mom is drinking or not. Sounds like she's in denial and not ready to stop, so a "confrontation" without any consequences for her would most likely be fruitless and result in needless pain and frustration for all concerned.
Hugs to you. I know how hard it is to live with a drinking parent. My dad is an A and growing up with him was rough. I learned some coping skills that are not really helpful or healthy in my adult life. Alanon is helping me "unlearn" them.

jaynie04

Hi and welcome. I know going to Al-anon sounds like a big step but I wanted to offer some of my experience and why I wish I had known about it at your age. I grew up with an alcoholic mother too, we all tiptoed around her. My father was useless and their marriage was horrible. She ended up getting sober and they got divorced.

However….her alcoholism affected me, much more than I understood for years. It affected the way I treated other people and the way I allowed myself to be treated. Because growing up with that uncertainty has repercussions, I learned to be pleasing, because speaking up was dangerous growing up. And while I could handle men in the corporate world, even to this day at age 48 I still struggle with having boundaries with women.

Your current situation is almost similar to being a young child without options, because in some ways you don't have a lot of choices. Building up a support network to help you cope in the short term and help you stay strong because you are an adult now. Being here is a great start to understand that you aren't alone, and that what you are experiencing is a very difficult situation. I think that if someone had just acknowledged that my reality was difficult when I was in it, it would have at least allowed me to understand that my reactions were valid.

I hope you stick around, there is a lot of wisdom here!

Hammer

Here is the deal. Sounds like your dad does not want things to "blow up" until he knows that the kids -- you and bro -- have cleared the house. Does that make sense? He has likely resigned himself to "she is what she is."

As far as confront this, control that . . . pretty much f-it. Sorry just the way things are. Dad is not dumb. Mom knows what she is doing.

AND . . . YOU can ONLY work on YOU. That is fine. Means the only one YOU are responsible for is YOU and that is a full time job.

As far as making things better and getting YOU on YOUR feet. Unpaid Internship + Big Pile of Debt? That is not a winning pair. Dunno what you accumulated a pile of college debt for, but I trust it WAS NOT that.

At least get a part-time job at 7-11 or something -- early morning shift when Go-To-Work Business Folks come by. The ones wearing ties -- at least sort of decent business clothes -- chat a little with them. Ask what they do. They will see you show up to work daily and remember you. If one interests you, ask them how you could get started in what they do. One will offer you a Real Job. Just the way it goes.

Meanwhile get out of Mom and Dad's business, take care of your own, and then you can get out of Mom and Dad's house. With the Unpaid Internship + Real Job, you are not going to be around the house much, anyway.

On the more human side -- Try Alanon. If you think well of it, offer it to Dad and Brother. You know where/how to get to Alanon?

changeneeded

Welcome, so glad that you have found these wonderful people. They have been a huge help for me.

Your Dad... I can so relate. His worry about you and your brother, I can completely understand. That is what he has been doing for so many years is protecting you and your brother from your mothers "wrath". I would bet that he probably is the one that gets most of it. He might even try to keep things as smooth as possible so as to not rattle her cage.

There are a couple of things I would encourage you to do:

Since your dad and brother are very aware of the situation (trust me some people are in as much denial as the A) you might want to point them to this group of people, right here. When I found this place I could not believe the amount of people that are in the same boat as I. WOW! I was so excited to come here daily and read how others were handling the situation.

If your dad seems hesitant to confront your mom, would you be willing to? And, if you are willing, would he want you to, or would he be concerned about the outcome?

Congrats on all of your hard work and your internship, 22 years old, I wish I would have been as tenacious as both you and your brother.

Stay with us, and let us know how things are going,

Be well,

msmagoo

WOW! I cannot believe how many people responded to this so quickly! Thank you all for your advise and warm wishes, you are all amazing! Where to begin...?

Insaneshame: As far as income goes, I think eventually we could figure it out without my mom's income. I think it would basically be my dad and I who have to figure it out because I think my older brother would get his own place at that point. At this point in time, I am the only one in my family besides my dad (I also have a younger brother who lives in Oregon) that knows about my mom's problem. And on top of all of that, to the best of my mom's knowledge, no one besides my dad "knows" about her past drinking problem or the AA meetings she used to attend. They tried to keep that hush-hush when I was younger but I've always been very intuitive and can always tell when something isn't right and I am therefore the keeper of secrets in my family. I've sheltered my brothers from a lot of things I have witnessed in the past but it's getting harder and harder to keep all of the secrets in. Eventually they begin to eat you alive. So yes, Insaneshame, I do think it is time for a family meeting.

CodeJob: I am very weary for all of this to surface because of exactly what you said.... my parents' unstable marriage. It could either go OK or very, very bad and I honestly don't know what would happen if they did decide to finally just go through with a divorce. And as I mentioned before, to my mom's knowledge, she has no idea that I know she went to AA meetings, so I don't feel like it would be my place to seek out any of her friends from AA. She would just become extremely defensive and mean because she would feel like I was going behind her back. My dad has mentioned Al-Anon though and he has been looking into going to some meetings. He told me I should do the same. And as far as being selfish and focusing on my internship and finishing college... that is the one thing I know my mom understands and acknowledges so I am going to try my best to focus on my future and focus on building a better life for myself.

jaynie04: funny you mention the repercussions that having an alcoholic parents has put on your own adult life. I feel the same in many ways. I am a total people pleaser and often times will tiptoe around a situation just because I feel like it's not worth the battle. On top of being alcoholic, my mom is EXTREMELY outspoken and opinionated and I've coped with her behavior by remaining quiet and internalizing all of my thoughts and feeling out of fear. I have however told my best friend about what is going on. We basically grew up together so we've shared in a lot of the same struggles and I know she would never judge me or my family and she has been a great support system so far.

Hammer: I like your no-******** take on all of this. I agree that I need to be focusing on myself as much as possible and I will be trying very hard to do that. As far as getting a part-time job, I have given it some thought and I am going to see what my workload is like at this internship before I commit to a job and lose my life all together. My internship is full time including a lot of weekend hours and it is an hour-long commute each way so I'm not sure when I will fit a job in there and also be able to have a life. I get that I need to get out of mom and dad's place ASAP but I also don't want to stress myself out so much with work that I end up just hating life all together. I will see what this internship brings and assess the job situation if it seems possible. And yes, I do know where to find Al-Anon meetings

changeneeded: to answer your question about confronting my mom, I honestly don't think I would be able to. Not just because my dad has asked me not to (he wants to do it when he thinks the time is right) but because I have never had a strong relationship with my mom and I think that if I confronted her about her problem she would just become extremely defensive and it would ultimately be the end of our relationship. I feel like she would see it as betrayal.

Thank you all again for your words of wisdom! I think I am going to check out a few Al-Anon meetings on my own just to get a little better hold on the situation and then talk to my dad about our options. Baby steps.