copperducky

Question
OK, for those of you still living with your AH or ABF and still madly in love...I have a question.
My hubby and I planned this little trip for Valentines day. Nothing special, we were going to go out to a nice dinner with my sister and her hubby and my brother and his wife and then because the restaurant is so far from home, we were all going to stay at this resort and go swimming, hot tubing, etc.
So, question is...how do I give my AH a Valentines card and spend a wonderful night with him and family without giving him the idea that we are OK and that everything between us is fine and have him think he can start drinking again?
I am still madly and absolutely in love with him and have been for 25 years.

SparkleKitty

It sounds a little mixed-messagey to me, personally, to have this romantic weekend when everything is not fine between you. For your own sake, keep your expectations for this getaway and what it will mean in check.

But if you want him to know that no matter what happens over Valentine's Day, you are not okay with his resuming his drinking, then you should just be honest and tell him.

copperducky

SparkleKitty,
Thanks. I think I will tell him that while I love him and want to have a great Valentines Day...I dont want him to resume drinking because that would completely tarnish the joy of spending time with him.
Gosh this is so hard.

choublak

His drinking isn't about you. While I get what you're saying, telling him that you don't want him to resume drinking because you don't like it, is irrelevant.

Woodman123

I am struggling this this too... although no formal V-day plans, I am concerned with how I am 'supposed' to act. To go along with my AW's facade that life is great, acting all lovey dovey for the sake of the Hallmark holiday will be disingenuous at best.. while I do love her, I do not feel very close to her right now (Mr. Kamchatka has everything to do with that!)

SparkleKitty

It is extremely hard. And Choublak has a very good point. He isn't drinking AT you. While I think it's important to be honest about how his drinking affects your relationship, you should try to manage the expectation that saying so will have any effect on whatever happens before, during, or after your romantic evening. Ultimately, being honest with yourself about how his drinking affects you and your relationship is the only thing that matters.

copperducky

Still struggling with what to tell him, but I do get all the points you all have said. Not sure what Im going to do.
I get what you said Choublak about his drinking not being about me. And I also get what you say Woodman about not being very close. We still live together and we still hold hands at the store and we still act married but you are right...all of you. We arent truly together and have not been for a long time. But my heart aches to have the romance, the feel of him, the look of truth in his eyes that he does still truly love me.
Maybe I am fooling myself...aaargh

AnvilheadII

why do feel there is a connection between a dinner and overnight at a hotel and that him taking that as permission to drink?? i probably should read your back story a bit before diving in....but we don't control what others do...nor do we grant permission for them to act or behave in a certain way.

Stung

This sounds like you want to have your cake and eat it too. Like your actions and your words don't match up. Going on a romantic, fun Valentine's Day trip with your hubby doesn't say "I'm not happy with your drinking and changes need to happen." I think your weekend with your siblings and their spouses sounds fun, but I can easily see how it would be tempting to your hubby to drink. Seems like a tough situation for you and him. Can you skip out on this event or go on your own (I know, solo on V Day doesn't sound appealing but it does sound like a fun trip.)

This just sounds like a tall order for both of you.

MissFixit

I agree with the above. It sends mixed messages to go on a fun trip and then have a condition for your ah.

graceandbeauty0

whether you have a good time on your trip or not it's his choice if he use again. I remember my xabf and i went to florida for a full week and it was absolutely the most amazing time we had in a such a long time, and it did not stop him from picking up again two days later when we got home. Just work on you and let him work on himself. if he's serious about recovery then one get away isn't going to make him think it's okay to use. and remember

You didn't cause it
You can't control it
and You can't cure it.

enjoy your time though and don't let his actions ruin your fun.

BoxinRotz

I would go with my hubby! I would also tell my hubby how much I love him with lil heart pasties. If he drank... well, I hope he'd get the worst hang over head ache ever!

Although hubby is still more or less into his addiction, it seems different. Very different from the drunk Hyde I used to know. As I move on through this with him, I've always loved him passionately. I would definitely go with him if it were me and have a great time pool hopping from hot tub to pool to hot tub! I would definitely have to buy my hubby some water wings though! Ohhhh and I want him in a speedo too!!! It's my Valentines Day right?!!!

Go! Have fun and enjoy the time spent with each other!

dandylion

Copperducky----I can only tell you what I would do if I were in this "dicey" situation. Also, I do not know exactly what boundaries you have set for yourself around his drinking. I presume that he is "white knuckling" it, at this point (without a program)?

for myself--I would just have to put the cards out on the table with him---just like you did with us. A very honest discussion. See where you both stand on this after discussing it.

It is understandable for you to miss the kind of intimacy that you described. Who wouldn"t? It is normal to miss that and want that.

There is nothing like a Hallmark holiday to pull back the curtains on a relationship---and expose the truth to the reality of daylight....... These kinds of holidays are great when things are good---but, they suck rocks when there is any kind of fly in the ointment.

dandylion

HopefulinFLA

If you both really want to go I think you should communicate your feelings to him, but leave your expectations behind. Know that he might drink and there is nothing you can do about it.

This is also a time to practice detachment. Understand that his actions do not need to dictate your enjoyment of the weekend. So if he does drink you can still have fun with your family. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can're cute it.

copperducky

GraceandBeauty,
Your words strike a chord in me. I guess I decided to go and just enjoy the moment. Before I go, I have decided to sit down and let him understand that I will be able to enjoy myself without the alcohol and I hope he can too. But you are so right....it is not for me to decide what he does or doesn't do.
Thanks