Newbie - Feeling Guilty
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 31
Newbie - Feeling Guilty
Hi, I'm new here.
I have been seeing an alcoholic for 4 months. We have broken up numerous times, but always get back together.
Today he was supposed to pick me up for a date. He was late. We spoke on the phone. I could tell he was drunk. He tried to blame it on me. I broke it off, blocked his number, deleted it. I am done. However, I still feel guilty.
I told him that he's messed up, that he can't hold a job down, that he can't stop drinking and will probably never get better, that he's a burdon to his family (he still lives with his parents, he's in his 30's), that I need a man and not a boy.
His parents are at their wits end, but still enable him.
I guess I just need help to understand the situation and just to get advice on dealing with my guilt.
Thanks
I have been seeing an alcoholic for 4 months. We have broken up numerous times, but always get back together.
Today he was supposed to pick me up for a date. He was late. We spoke on the phone. I could tell he was drunk. He tried to blame it on me. I broke it off, blocked his number, deleted it. I am done. However, I still feel guilty.
I told him that he's messed up, that he can't hold a job down, that he can't stop drinking and will probably never get better, that he's a burdon to his family (he still lives with his parents, he's in his 30's), that I need a man and not a boy.
His parents are at their wits end, but still enable him.
I guess I just need help to understand the situation and just to get advice on dealing with my guilt.
Thanks
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Hello there, and welcome to SR. We're glad you found us but so very sorry you are in a situation that sent you looking for us.
First of all, there is a wealth of information in the "Sticky" posts at the very top of the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum. Understanding alcoholism and what you are getting into being involved with an addicted person is key.
I understand you feel guilty right now. In dealing with our own alcoholics, a lot of us have said and done things that did not help matters and only made our loved ones feel ashamed. But it's important to understand that your feelings and your needs are just as important as the addict who is in crisis. He was late picking you up and you snapped upon realizing he was drunk. This is nothing to throw yourself to your knees about. We've all done it.
I dated my XABF (ex alcoholic boyfriend) for 10 months. We broke up many times and got back together many times too. Eventually I had to ask myself what I really wanted, and why I was settling for less than that, keeping myself unavailable for a potentially healthier relationship with someone else. I couldn't make my ex stop drinking, he wasn't ready to stop for himself, and I did not want to live with an active alcoholic anymore. No matter how either of us felt about that situation, those were the facts, and I had to base my decision on those. Ultimately I decided I was worth a lot more than I was getting, and being alone was preferable to being with someone who was emotionally unavailable and physically deteriorating.
Please stick around, read, share, keep posting. There are a lot of people here who understand where you're at.
First of all, there is a wealth of information in the "Sticky" posts at the very top of the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum. Understanding alcoholism and what you are getting into being involved with an addicted person is key.
I understand you feel guilty right now. In dealing with our own alcoholics, a lot of us have said and done things that did not help matters and only made our loved ones feel ashamed. But it's important to understand that your feelings and your needs are just as important as the addict who is in crisis. He was late picking you up and you snapped upon realizing he was drunk. This is nothing to throw yourself to your knees about. We've all done it.
I dated my XABF (ex alcoholic boyfriend) for 10 months. We broke up many times and got back together many times too. Eventually I had to ask myself what I really wanted, and why I was settling for less than that, keeping myself unavailable for a potentially healthier relationship with someone else. I couldn't make my ex stop drinking, he wasn't ready to stop for himself, and I did not want to live with an active alcoholic anymore. No matter how either of us felt about that situation, those were the facts, and I had to base my decision on those. Ultimately I decided I was worth a lot more than I was getting, and being alone was preferable to being with someone who was emotionally unavailable and physically deteriorating.
Please stick around, read, share, keep posting. There are a lot of people here who understand where you're at.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Fort Worth, TX
Posts: 38
Hi Sweetfa!! I'm a newbie too and this site has AMAZING people, who have been through it all and have a wealth of information. The one thing that I have learned from this site so far are the three C's and it helps with my guilt of asking my AH to move out a month ago.
1. You didn't cause it.
2. You can't control it.
3. You can't change it.
Being an A is a disease and he has to be the one to WANT to change. Nobody will be able to give that to him. You did good by blocking him, this is what is called boundaries. (I'm still learning the terms too!!!). Don't feel guilty that you were looking out for yourself, who is going to if you don't when in a relationship with an A? Stay strong and welcome to SR.
1. You didn't cause it.
2. You can't control it.
3. You can't change it.
Being an A is a disease and he has to be the one to WANT to change. Nobody will be able to give that to him. You did good by blocking him, this is what is called boundaries. (I'm still learning the terms too!!!). Don't feel guilty that you were looking out for yourself, who is going to if you don't when in a relationship with an A? Stay strong and welcome to SR.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 31
Thanks so much guys!
I have never experienced this illness before. I thought tv portrayals of alcoholism must be exaggerated, but they are sooooo not! It's crazy and scary. It turns good people into a mess.
I feel so bad for his family, but they really aren't helping him or themselves. They need to stand up and kick him out. His mum has said to me "He's not drunk, he's just had a few drinks." I was flabbergasted. She knows he's an alcoholic and still defends him... Despite drink driving, money problems etc. She even says he's 'under the weather' instead of 'drunk'. Reality check here!!!!!
I have done all I can.
I have never experienced this illness before. I thought tv portrayals of alcoholism must be exaggerated, but they are sooooo not! It's crazy and scary. It turns good people into a mess.
I feel so bad for his family, but they really aren't helping him or themselves. They need to stand up and kick him out. His mum has said to me "He's not drunk, he's just had a few drinks." I was flabbergasted. She knows he's an alcoholic and still defends him... Despite drink driving, money problems etc. She even says he's 'under the weather' instead of 'drunk'. Reality check here!!!!!
I have done all I can.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
Originally Posted by Sweetfa 
Hi, I'm new here.
I have been seeing an alcoholic for 4 months. We have broken up numerous times, but always get back together.
Today he was supposed to pick me up for a date. He was late. We spoke on the phone. I could tell he was drunk. He tried to blame it on me. I broke it off, blocked his number, deleted it. I am done. However, I still feel guilty.
I told him that he's messed up, that he can't hold a job down, that he can't stop drinking and will probably never get better, that he's a burdon to his family (he still lives with his parents, he's in his 30's), that I need a man and not a boy.
His parents are at their wits end, but still enable him.
I guess I just need help to understand the situation and just to get advice on dealing with my guilt.
Thanks
I have been seeing an alcoholic for 4 months. We have broken up numerous times, but always get back together.
Today he was supposed to pick me up for a date. He was late. We spoke on the phone. I could tell he was drunk. He tried to blame it on me. I broke it off, blocked his number, deleted it. I am done. However, I still feel guilty.
I told him that he's messed up, that he can't hold a job down, that he can't stop drinking and will probably never get better, that he's a burdon to his family (he still lives with his parents, he's in his 30's), that I need a man and not a boy.
His parents are at their wits end, but still enable him.
I guess I just need help to understand the situation and just to get advice on dealing with my guilt.
Thanks
All i can say is congrats on blocking his number,etc. RUN! DONT look back. Its not worth it -- not worth jeopardizing your mental and physical health -- its not worth one shred of your energy to feel guilt.. its wasted! Yep, Im speaking from a place of anger and grief right now over my own situation, but feel blessed you were only dating a few months and not married 22yrs with children and totally financially dependent on him!
HUGS
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
What do you feel guilty for?
That he'll be lonely?
He can't even be on time to see you. I could guess he drinks alone PLENTY. He has his beloved drinks to fill that void. He might have intermittent bouts of loneliness - which he will most likely spend begging you back or cursing your name....but often, they move onto the next poor sap faster than you change your relationship status on Facebook.
That he won't have anywhere to go?
He has his enabling parents for that. And if he didn't have them, he'd line up someone else.
That he'll be sad without you?
Sure he will, for a bit - but he has the option to drink that away every day. How much does he care about YOUR feelings, though?
That the future you both discussed won't happen?
You've had a rocky 4 months already....odds are the white picket fence, the babies, the traveling, or the retirement home together weren't in the cards anyway.
I'm sorry. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. You have NOTHING to feel guilty about, and if anything, HE should feel guilty. Take care of yourself, rest assured in the knowledge that you have done the right thing, and enjoy the more peaceful life you have just set yourself up for!!!
That he'll be lonely?
He can't even be on time to see you. I could guess he drinks alone PLENTY. He has his beloved drinks to fill that void. He might have intermittent bouts of loneliness - which he will most likely spend begging you back or cursing your name....but often, they move onto the next poor sap faster than you change your relationship status on Facebook.
That he won't have anywhere to go?
He has his enabling parents for that. And if he didn't have them, he'd line up someone else.
That he'll be sad without you?
Sure he will, for a bit - but he has the option to drink that away every day. How much does he care about YOUR feelings, though?
That the future you both discussed won't happen?
You've had a rocky 4 months already....odds are the white picket fence, the babies, the traveling, or the retirement home together weren't in the cards anyway.
I'm sorry. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. You have NOTHING to feel guilty about, and if anything, HE should feel guilty. Take care of yourself, rest assured in the knowledge that you have done the right thing, and enjoy the more peaceful life you have just set yourself up for!!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
It's only been 4 months, and look at the turmoil you're feeling. 4 months in, should still be at that stage where you're trying to impress each other. He is showing you exactly who he is....believe him. You do NOT want to be on this roller coaster ride for years like some of us! He will only progress and get worse in his disease, and sounds like the family will help him stay stuck.
You have a right to want a healthy relationship. It's okay at this early stage to simply realize he's not the right one for you. You don't have to rescue him or his family, that's not your job. I give you credit for deleting his phone number. Don't be surprised when he reaches out to you again, maybe with all kinds of promises to get healthy. That's the normal manipulation of an A.
Don't look back....your future is in front of you.
You have a right to want a healthy relationship. It's okay at this early stage to simply realize he's not the right one for you. You don't have to rescue him or his family, that's not your job. I give you credit for deleting his phone number. Don't be surprised when he reaches out to you again, maybe with all kinds of promises to get healthy. That's the normal manipulation of an A.
Don't look back....your future is in front of you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i'm glad to hear you only endured the nightmare for four short months. you have nothing at all to feel guilty for. you were dating, not acting as his therapist and life coach. he was who he was and he still is. left him as you found him.
time to move on! next time keep an eye out for all those red flags...and go in the other direction!
30s still living with the parents. RED FLAG
can't hold down a job. RED FLAG
always drunk. RED FLAG
multiple breakups. RED FLAG
you feel the need to FIX him. RED FLAG
time to move on! next time keep an eye out for all those red flags...and go in the other direction!
30s still living with the parents. RED FLAG
can't hold down a job. RED FLAG
always drunk. RED FLAG
multiple breakups. RED FLAG
you feel the need to FIX him. RED FLAG
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 565
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
I couldn't make my ex stop drinking, he wasn't ready to stop for himself, and I did not want to live with an active alcoholic anymore. No matter how either of us felt about that situation, those were the facts, and I had to base my decision on those. Ultimately I decided I was worth a lot more than I was getting, and being alone was preferable to being with someone who was emotionally unavailable and physically deteriorating.
I broke it off with my alcoholic boyfriend 6 months ago. I was worried what would happen to him when I left. Well, big surprise, he kept right on drinking. I was worried about being alone. Well, that's turned out to be just what I needed to assess my life and think about and work on my unhealthy relationship patterns.
Please don't feel guilty about anything. It won't help him (or his parents) find recovery, and it will only hold you back from living a full and peaceful life without addiction dogging your every step.
Glad you came here for support. Welcome.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 31
Thank you! I feel strong today. I just have to keep that strength going. There is so much useful information here, red flags, understanding the manipulation, learning to work on myself. I'm vulnerable in that I came out of a marriage 18 months ago. My self esteem is still low. That's how he got me. I need to work on me, not him!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I think I just realised today that I want and deserve more.
Good for you.
The guilt? Guilt is a feeling that's supposed to tell us we've done something wrong. Breaking up with a person you don't want to be with is never wrong. When you feel guilt for breaking up with another person, regardless of the reason, you are taking responsibility for their feelings. That is never a good thing.
Is that something you notice in other relationships as well? Do you feel bad when someone wants you to go to a club/ a chess tournament/ a sports event/ whatever and you don't want to so you say no? Or do you even have a hard time saying no? If so, you might be a codependent (sounding like Jeff Foxworthy here...
) I never saw those tendencies in myself until I married an alcoholic, but looking back, I can see I developed them as a young child. Despite growing up in a very loving non-drinking family. But there was lots of illness, from the time I was born, first my mother and then my sister. So I learned to not take up space. I learned that I was praised when I stayed silent about my own needs and put the needs of others first. I learned that I was a good girl when I swallowed my tears and walked away with my disappointment. And I headed into one dysfunctional relationship after another because I thought love meant giving up my own needs and completely taking on whatever the needs and interests of my boyfriend were.
I'm notorious for saying that "ANYONE can benefit from Al-Anon!" because I'm so grateful for the insights I've gotten and the tools I've been given to grow myself from that place to one where I can prioritize taking care of myself without feeling guilt. I think if you see this tendency in other relationships, attending some Al-Anon meetings may not be a bad thing even if you're not involved with an alcoholic anymore. For yourself.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 31
Sounds like an awesome idea. I certainly have those traits. I spend my whole life trying to help others to the detriment of my own needs. I need to learn to put myself first sometimes.
Thanks so much for taking the time to reply to my post. I really appreciate it. Maybe this is what I needed to fix many areas of my life.
Thanks so much for taking the time to reply to my post. I really appreciate it. Maybe this is what I needed to fix many areas of my life.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Your self esteem should be soaring right now, you took your power back and stopped giving it all to him for the sake of a "relationship".
Don't ever settle for less then you deserve. Work on you and focus on FIRST taking care of yourself, pleasing yourself and doing for yourself. Put yourself as number 1 always.....it's not selfish it's your survival.
Don't ever settle for less then you deserve. Work on you and focus on FIRST taking care of yourself, pleasing yourself and doing for yourself. Put yourself as number 1 always.....it's not selfish it's your survival.
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