No Call/No Show
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 27
No Call/No Show
My ex was a no call/no show for visitation with our toddler son yesterday. I never thought he would stoop that low. He shows up to work on time, or he would call if he couldn’t make it in.
I was worried about him. He has been acting more strange than normal. When he didn’t show I had scenarios running through my head like crazy. I received a strange phone call yesterday and that only fueled my imagination. I was thinking his drug dealer roommate ripped off some people and they came for revenge or whatever. I tried calling him, texting, and got no response. So I fb messaged his roommate, and then finally my ex texted me that he was ok and he was working on his truck.
I was mad, hurt, and disappointed. I had my son look out the window for Daddy while waiting for him to show.
I can’t even wrap my head around this. He didn’t apologize. Its gonna be a long 17 years teaching my son how to cope with his father’s inconsiderate behavior.
I was worried about him. He has been acting more strange than normal. When he didn’t show I had scenarios running through my head like crazy. I received a strange phone call yesterday and that only fueled my imagination. I was thinking his drug dealer roommate ripped off some people and they came for revenge or whatever. I tried calling him, texting, and got no response. So I fb messaged his roommate, and then finally my ex texted me that he was ok and he was working on his truck.
I was mad, hurt, and disappointed. I had my son look out the window for Daddy while waiting for him to show.
I can’t even wrap my head around this. He didn’t apologize. Its gonna be a long 17 years teaching my son how to cope with his father’s inconsiderate behavior.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Gertie, I'm sorry for the sadness this brings you and your son.
My son was terrible and unreliable about visiting his son too, he'd make promises and then not keep them and it took a toll emotionally on the boy (who was 6 at the time). After about a year of this the mother of his child told him he could no longer visit his son at all because someone had to protect the boy from the disappointment each time. She gave him another chance when he had over a year clean (at that time he stayed clean 3 years before relapsing) on the condition that he was consistent and punctual and he was until he relapsed 3 years later and the visits again had to stop. I admired the woman for enforcing the rules.
My point is that at some point you will have to be the voice of the child and decide what is best for him. Keep a record of missed visits and broken promises in detail because you may need it one day.
For now I hope this was a one-time incident, for the boy's sake and for your own peace of mind. The children are the innocents in all this and it makes me sad to see them suffer too. Prayers out for all of you.
Hugs
My son was terrible and unreliable about visiting his son too, he'd make promises and then not keep them and it took a toll emotionally on the boy (who was 6 at the time). After about a year of this the mother of his child told him he could no longer visit his son at all because someone had to protect the boy from the disappointment each time. She gave him another chance when he had over a year clean (at that time he stayed clean 3 years before relapsing) on the condition that he was consistent and punctual and he was until he relapsed 3 years later and the visits again had to stop. I admired the woman for enforcing the rules.
My point is that at some point you will have to be the voice of the child and decide what is best for him. Keep a record of missed visits and broken promises in detail because you may need it one day.
For now I hope this was a one-time incident, for the boy's sake and for your own peace of mind. The children are the innocents in all this and it makes me sad to see them suffer too. Prayers out for all of you.
Hugs
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 27
Thank you for your words of support. I have been doing really good at setting and enforcing boundaries in this. Of course it is a learning process and there have been some setbacks. I have been documenting the inconsistency in visits, lateness (he is NEVER on time), now sadly the no call/no show. Just in case he were to ever file for custody/visitation. (Now I have sole custody, since we were never married.)
Through trial and error, these are what I have come up with so far:
All visits are at my home. (Since October when his roommate moved in)
No driving with our son. (Since I have no idea when/if he is ever sober. He showed up for xmas visitation late, and so messed up he was nodding, and doesn't even remember much of the 4 hour visit. Sadly his other children were with)
If he is late to watch him in lieu of daycare with no warning I will find other arrangements so I can go to work. (This means I have to pay to keep my sons spot at daycare open)
I am finding it harder and harder to be empathetic to him. It blows my mind. Just last week he went to our son's well baby checkup. And now this?
He is supposed to come watch him tonight so I can attend my daughter's bball game with out a toddler that hates sitting still. I told him 3 times how important it is to be on time. I have already packed the diaper bag just in case.
Through trial and error, these are what I have come up with so far:
All visits are at my home. (Since October when his roommate moved in)
No driving with our son. (Since I have no idea when/if he is ever sober. He showed up for xmas visitation late, and so messed up he was nodding, and doesn't even remember much of the 4 hour visit. Sadly his other children were with)
If he is late to watch him in lieu of daycare with no warning I will find other arrangements so I can go to work. (This means I have to pay to keep my sons spot at daycare open)
I am finding it harder and harder to be empathetic to him. It blows my mind. Just last week he went to our son's well baby checkup. And now this?
He is supposed to come watch him tonight so I can attend my daughter's bball game with out a toddler that hates sitting still. I told him 3 times how important it is to be on time. I have already packed the diaper bag just in case.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 117
gertie, I think it's great that you're only allowing visits at your house and no driving. But, I don't think it's a good idea to leave him alone with your son. We have a similar situation with our grandson and as of now, he is not allowed to be left alone with his Dad. Nothing has happened in the times he has been with him but we don't want to take that chance.
After our daughter had our grandson, she was very sick and required visits from a home health nurse and was not allowed to be left alone. Our grandson's dad stayed with her while I was at work. I found out later he was leaving them to go "get lunch" but would be gone for hours. If he would leave our daugther and their son alone when he knows neither can take care of themselves, how do we know he wouldn't leave his son alone if he got the call from his dealer? Or, God forbid, take him with him?
Prayers for your family
After our daughter had our grandson, she was very sick and required visits from a home health nurse and was not allowed to be left alone. Our grandson's dad stayed with her while I was at work. I found out later he was leaving them to go "get lunch" but would be gone for hours. If he would leave our daugther and their son alone when he knows neither can take care of themselves, how do we know he wouldn't leave his son alone if he got the call from his dealer? Or, God forbid, take him with him?
Prayers for your family
Work in Progress
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,142
Originally Posted by gertie5474 
Thank you for your words of support. I have been doing really good at setting and enforcing boundaries in this. Of course it is a learning process and there have been some setbacks. I have been documenting the inconsistency in visits, lateness (he is NEVER on time), now sadly the no call/no show. Just in case he were to ever file for custody/visitation. (Now I have sole custody, since we were never married.)
Through trial and error, these are what I have come up with so far:
All visits are at my home. (Since October when his roommate moved in)
No driving with our son. (Since I have no idea when/if he is ever sober. He showed up for xmas visitation late, and so messed up he was nodding, and doesn't even remember much of the 4 hour visit. Sadly his other children were with)
If he is late to watch him in lieu of daycare with no warning I will find other arrangements so I can go to work. (This means I have to pay to keep my sons spot at daycare open)
I am finding it harder and harder to be empathetic to him. It blows my mind. Just last week he went to our son's well baby checkup. And now this?
He is supposed to come watch him tonight so I can attend my daughter's bball game with out a toddler that hates sitting still. I told him 3 times how important it is to be on time. I have already packed the diaper bag just in case.
Through trial and error, these are what I have come up with so far:
All visits are at my home. (Since October when his roommate moved in)
No driving with our son. (Since I have no idea when/if he is ever sober. He showed up for xmas visitation late, and so messed up he was nodding, and doesn't even remember much of the 4 hour visit. Sadly his other children were with)
If he is late to watch him in lieu of daycare with no warning I will find other arrangements so I can go to work. (This means I have to pay to keep my sons spot at daycare open)
I am finding it harder and harder to be empathetic to him. It blows my mind. Just last week he went to our son's well baby checkup. And now this?
He is supposed to come watch him tonight so I can attend my daughter's bball game with out a toddler that hates sitting still. I told him 3 times how important it is to be on time. I have already packed the diaper bag just in case.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 27
I will have to start not telling my son when my ex is supposed to visit. He doesn't comprehend
I have definitely considered the supervised visits. He had threatened to take me to court over it if I do try to enforce it. I am so mixed about that, but honestly it will probably come down to that.
I have definitely considered the supervised visits. He had threatened to take me to court over it if I do try to enforce it. I am so mixed about that, but honestly it will probably come down to that.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 559
Yikes.
I am so sorry. I know first hand that disappointment, hurt and anger. My son was just a month shy from turning 3 when my xah abandoned us. His visitations were all over the place. You can go back and read my older posts if you would like. Finally, after @ a year of disappointment he disappeared. Reappeared after summer, and then disappeared again. We haven't heard from him, but 1 random inexcusable text, for 15 months.
An they are NEVER apologetic...in fact, that is proving their addiction. When they start to apologize and begin to act humane, they may be in recovery or trying to get sober.
If an addicts lips are moving they are lying. Dealing with this inconsistency and his inability to co-parent was exhausting in many ways.
It is very sad, and my son will always carry with him the fact his father abandoned him, but I am very lucky he was young, rather than older when this all went down. We are getting through it. He is angry and sad, but honestly, my opinion is that I would rather no addict in our life. We miss and love him, but we don't need the BS.
Some suggestions that worked for me are:
1. Get supervised visits only
2. Meet at a park
3. Make him confirm visitations by a certain time on visitation days, or forgetta 'bout it.
4. DO NOT tell your child they are having a visit with daddy. My son had no idea until I pulled up into the parking lot and saw the POS.
5. DO NOT fall for his lies, and DO NOT let him manipulate you. Stay strong. If you don't feel safe, don't do it. Trust your gut.
You will get through this, and so will your child...IF you make smart choices that are for the best for your child, not the addict.
I am so sorry. I know first hand that disappointment, hurt and anger. My son was just a month shy from turning 3 when my xah abandoned us. His visitations were all over the place. You can go back and read my older posts if you would like. Finally, after @ a year of disappointment he disappeared. Reappeared after summer, and then disappeared again. We haven't heard from him, but 1 random inexcusable text, for 15 months.
An they are NEVER apologetic...in fact, that is proving their addiction. When they start to apologize and begin to act humane, they may be in recovery or trying to get sober.
If an addicts lips are moving they are lying. Dealing with this inconsistency and his inability to co-parent was exhausting in many ways.
It is very sad, and my son will always carry with him the fact his father abandoned him, but I am very lucky he was young, rather than older when this all went down. We are getting through it. He is angry and sad, but honestly, my opinion is that I would rather no addict in our life. We miss and love him, but we don't need the BS.
Some suggestions that worked for me are:
1. Get supervised visits only
2. Meet at a park
3. Make him confirm visitations by a certain time on visitation days, or forgetta 'bout it.
4. DO NOT tell your child they are having a visit with daddy. My son had no idea until I pulled up into the parking lot and saw the POS.
5. DO NOT fall for his lies, and DO NOT let him manipulate you. Stay strong. If you don't feel safe, don't do it. Trust your gut.
You will get through this, and so will your child...IF you make smart choices that are for the best for your child, not the addict.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 559
BTW, another thing I did was have him agree to a set date and time each week. It was ALWAYS that day and time no matter what. Even when he disappeared and then reappeared, I kept everything (time, meeting place) the same. It helped me because I need a plan. It helped me with anxiety. I can't stand talking to him, so this was very clear. No random...random didn't work. In fact, my lawyer made this suggestion. I also think courts would see this as he KNEW EXACTLY when visitation was. There is no excuse for missing a visitation. EVER! And, after all this total BS he still would cancel.
And another thing he did (sorry I'm passionate about this), but he would text at 12:05 and say "see you at 4" knowing what the rules were. Which were, if it were a minute past 12 I would not see him for visitation. He agreed to this. Of course, he agreed, but refused to abide and then was pissed when I stuck to it. He was quite angry. Finally he really followed it because he knew I meant business. It is like dealing with a child. Anyways, one time he texted me past 12, and apologized and pleaded to still keep the date. Feeling like maybe I was being too mean, said sure we can keep the date. Not 30 minutes later he texted and canceled on me. I was so manipulated. First of all, addicts don't ever apologize unless they want something. He wanted me to say "no" so I would look like the evil woman who doesn't let him see his child and then not have to feel guilty. But his plan didn't work. Anyways, It's a figgin' circus I am glad I am no longer a part. Addiction does get worse. So, be prepared.
And another thing he did (sorry I'm passionate about this), but he would text at 12:05 and say "see you at 4" knowing what the rules were. Which were, if it were a minute past 12 I would not see him for visitation. He agreed to this. Of course, he agreed, but refused to abide and then was pissed when I stuck to it. He was quite angry. Finally he really followed it because he knew I meant business. It is like dealing with a child. Anyways, one time he texted me past 12, and apologized and pleaded to still keep the date. Feeling like maybe I was being too mean, said sure we can keep the date. Not 30 minutes later he texted and canceled on me. I was so manipulated. First of all, addicts don't ever apologize unless they want something. He wanted me to say "no" so I would look like the evil woman who doesn't let him see his child and then not have to feel guilty. But his plan didn't work. Anyways, It's a figgin' circus I am glad I am no longer a part. Addiction does get worse. So, be prepared.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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Originally Posted by gertie5474
My ex was a no call/no show for visitation with our toddler son yesterday. I never thought he would stoop that low. He shows up to work on time, or he would call if he couldn’t make it in.
I was worried about him. He has been acting more strange than normal. When he didn’t show I had scenarios running through my head like crazy. I received a strange phone call yesterday and that only fueled my imagination. I was thinking his drug dealer roommate ripped off some people and they came for revenge or whatever. I tried calling him, texting, and got no response. So I fb messaged his roommate, and then finally my ex texted me that he was ok and he was working on his truck.
I was mad, hurt, and disappointed. I had my son look out the window for Daddy while waiting for him to show.
I can’t even wrap my head around this. He didn’t apologize. Its gonna be a long 17 years teaching my son how to cope with his father’s inconsiderate behavior.
I was worried about him. He has been acting more strange than normal. When he didn’t show I had scenarios running through my head like crazy. I received a strange phone call yesterday and that only fueled my imagination. I was thinking his drug dealer roommate ripped off some people and they came for revenge or whatever. I tried calling him, texting, and got no response. So I fb messaged his roommate, and then finally my ex texted me that he was ok and he was working on his truck.
I was mad, hurt, and disappointed. I had my son look out the window for Daddy while waiting for him to show.
I can’t even wrap my head around this. He didn’t apologize. Its gonna be a long 17 years teaching my son how to cope with his father’s inconsiderate behavior.
But it is not surprising, either.
When you're dealing with sick people, you have to understand that the normal rules (i.e. calling to cancel plans or showing up on time) are non applicable. So don't personalize your ex's behavior. He is what he is. Don't expect him to change.
Sorry you're going through this.
ZoSo
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