Erod

I threw my Fianze out last night. He called and is making me feel Real quilty. this is a man that knows all the ropes of getting a roof over his head. He said though that he went back and slept on a garage floor the same place that GOT got him kicked out of here. Where he partied all afternoon without answering my calls and I was nervous wreck. This is my neighborhood,...and I'm quite and to myself and since he moved in he's making friends with perfect strangers and parting with them. He said he was ging to go to a shelter but went Back to the garage guys and slept there. That jsut has made me more furious. Liek he said though I shoudl care I should'nt Care once I threw him out AND HE IS RIGHT. I do feel as though...he said it to make make things worse. I have health issues Firbro and jsut could'tn take it anymore. I feel like tough love was my only resort last night. Now I'm sick wiht worry again,..to the point I called out of work..so I KNWO this is effecting me in not good ways. I keep trying to make an al-anon meeting close a few miles away...but we have had snow storms for the past few eeks. Help. I need a hug!!!!

Brindie

Erod, big hug to you and well done. He's a grown-up and you know he will survive. The after-shock is powerful, but not so much as the contentment, sense of security and peace you will come to soon if you stay your ground, and most importantly, accept support from friends and colleagues at work. I was up-front with mine and I couldn't have got more support. You know which choice makes sense, huh? You're on your way, what courage. x

Erod

OM Gosh Brindle. I NEEDED that so much right now. Thankyou, thank you, and thankyou for taking time. I DON"T want' to lose him He really is a good man when NOT drinking but I've been this route before for 12 years,..with another and I knwo I CAN NOT to it again. My physical and emotional body jsut can't I dont' have the strength. I jsut got down n my knees and prayers and of course while prayering Cried my eyes out...but feel abit more empowered. Thanks so much I sure hope your still here so I can read another responce to ehlp me through.

atalose

So, throwing him out was merely a ploy on your part to attempt to control his drinking?

And you want him back?

hopeful4

I am sorry you are going through this. It is really better if you give yourself some space and don't speak with him for a while. He is a big boy, he will figure himself out. Now is time for you to work on you and gain the support you need to get past this.

Good Luck and God Bless!

FeelingGreat

Erod if you want sanity in your life you may have to split up with him. Is he working? Was he contributing to your expenses? He doesn't sound like a serious prospect for your future. Sorry to be so blunt.

Erod

First and formost. I was ot a ploy to control his drinking...it was a CHOICE for MY serenity atalose. I appreciate your post. I first and formost wan tto say....Thank all the rest of you for my many hugs and understanding. Thats' what I needed. Thank you Tank you, Thank you. Mnay hugs back. I'm free and happy and not ashamed to say I have 23 years sobriety myself and know BOTH sides of the fence. Have gone to Al-anon for many years. Being on both sides of the fence I sure do knwo I can't stop him control him and whatever. ******I do ahve to say he called about 20 minutes ago and put himself in a VA rehab here. I knwo it's true becuase of the phone number on the ward he called from. I ALSO know this may just be a reason for a roof over his head but at least he has to detox. I thank the pees here that gave me hugs through this those are good al-anon peeps. also anyoen judging is take h9im back or not are not working your Al-alon to well. Your suppsoe to support me and really my desisions are no-one business. As a memeber of al-anon I know what is and what is'nt ME support my fellow members is--and at times the courage to give htem to move forward,,,,,but not a psot making me feel liek I'm worng ifI do. Thanks agian love those that held my hand today with love and respect.

atalose

I’m sorry if my post hit a nerve. Certainly didn’t mean to add to your stress.

I hope you find serenity on your journey.

Erod

No proble,...the only nerve it hit was I felt liek you were taking MY inventory by saying "and you want him back" When you love someone who has a Decease,.. It's choices WE make whether to stay or go. I let go of once many years ago with someone else and learned many hard lessons. If and when I'm ready I will know. These are two enitirely differnt man. the last was Narricistic and was an alcoholic, Alcoholism doe'snt make a person bad just Sick very Sick.

Insaneshame

Isn't that what we do though? Feel like we should fix the problem for them? I know that's what I do!!! My AH's phone died and he didn't have the money to get a new one right away and my first thought was to go get him another one, so he could have it for work calls. I mean, he needed it for work and all. I read a comment on a post here, I can't remember what about, and I realized that if I "helped" him, he wouldn't try and do it for himself. Amazingly, he got his own phone, with his own money, is his own time!! I guess both he and I needed to remember that he CAN do things on his own, without me running behind him and cleaning up after him!! He's not a baby after all!!

With that, hugs to you and your pain. And remember he DID find shelter, on his own, so this should help ease some of your guilt!

atalose

I think it with the ambivalent statements you made that I was trying to clarify. You kicked him out yet you want him back. Usually when we say that it goes along the lines of wanting them back clean/sober where the leaving or kicking out part becomes a spring board to their recovery.

It takes a lot of courage and strength to take a stand then actually stand there for ourselves.

Glad you are involved with al-anon given your history of relationships with addicts. I too was involved with addicts, different addictions same beast. So figuring out why I gravitate towards addicts has been my journey to making healthier choices for myself which includes letting go of unhealthy people I had in my life.

Sungrl

I'm with you atalose, not only ambivalent but darn hard to understand with the device being typed on.

Erod

It sure IS tough,..BUT If you only new the serenity I felt this morning while getting dressed for work. Am I worried about him Yes... am I consumed by it NO. Togh love is very hard,..very, very hard....but after 12 years with someone else liek this I KNOW what I can take and can't take. I KNOW this sounds counterdictory,...but the other one always stood In... this guy wants to roam (bars, pool, Not woman but go out and have fun as he calls it) Yeah O.K. I coudl handle it but He never picks up his phone or calls me to elt me know he's O.K. That has always been issue. Even in a normal non-alcoholic relationship that what partners do out of respect. I was that -- that I could'nt handle. He threw move over the edge by the second day of pulling of this,..On his one of mnay past binges. I just got tired of the disrespect. Not trying to control him..just asking for respect.

atalose

Active addicts don't respect themselves so it's pretty high expectations on our part to expect them to have any respect for us.

Keep strong!

Erod

I hear you. I'ts soo. sooo sad. When he's not drinking...unlike my last addict,..he's very remorseful. Just got a call from him...doe'snt sound half as bombed as yesterday,..and is in another state seekign shleter there.....but he is full of anger at me. We all know how it goes. It's all MY fault I kicked him out. I'm trying to stay stroung here. I think I will do something nice for myself after work and take ME out to dinner fish and chips maybe. I'm $ broke like most of the world but I deserve something nice. The only thing I have to hang onto is my the serenity I felt this morning...getting dressed for work and him not lying in bed while I leave. That was getting old too. Never was upset..with him that except for the months on and off he gave up looking for a job.
I'll be in and out looking for YOUR strength to keep me going. I love this board and I'm so glad I joined. Many

FourTwentyOne

Thanks for saying that. It's all my fault i kicked AH out too! I am "responsible for his behaviour" and "responsible for creating the monster that he is". thos are both direct quotes, he said that. ...really. . .

I needed to see someone else write that. It reafirms to me that this is still all addict behaviour, and remind me that he isn't proving he will ever change.

atalose

They can jibber jabber what ever they want - doesn't make it true or even think-worthy on our part!!!!

Erod

FourTO---never ever+ take the guilt on, Ever. I'm actually waking on air today. I feel free. Do I feel bad I had to do what I had to do. NOT!!! the request (boundery)was set some time back If yoru out...pickup your phone so I knwo your O.K. (People do this in NORMAL relationships)That was it. He's calls for a few times....then once he's in a party situation....it's screw her he shuts off the phone or does'nt pick up. I did this once purposely to him... ofor only 3 hours he hated,,,absolutly hated it. I "thought" he got it---the worrying and such. Nope he pulled it to many more times that's why he's out. If your to live with me your going to respect me. Coming home--his answer -NO---O.K. then I won't wait on you to eat supper with you. His biggiest problem is if he calls and tells he's not coming home right away--he thinks i"ll take off. I've only done that twice--and wen tto my BF house for chit chat. He's still pissed at more and syaing He cna't believe I done this to him,..and agian I said...Excuse me there was a deal breaker and it's happened ot many times for me tolerate anymore. H'e on the pity pot right now.

Erod

Well my update. He put himself in Rehab. Now I have to take this all ONE DAY AT A TIME.

FourTwentyOne

That's good news for him. I wish him the best of luck.

You always had to take things one day at a time. That doesn't start now, just because he signed in. And just because he signed in, doesn't mean he will stay clean :/ In my heart of hearts, I want for it to work the first time for everyone who takes that step, and I know that is the exception to the rule.

He has started a new page in his journey. And now you start a new page in yours Everyone here says the thing to do now is hit a meeting for yourself. Are you doing that? However you choose to deal, in order to come out whole on the other side of this, you need to make sure you are taking care of your self. I am working on that for myself too.