Woodman123

Hi SR friends... I am sorry if this is a regurgitation of some of my previous posts, but I find myself weak and seemingly unable to stay strong amidst the emotional inner conflict I am feeling.

Leading up to yesterday, I was convinced that my wife and I were on an inevitable crash course with divorce. I have been fairly detached/distant towards her, based on my knowledge of her skipped AA meetings and continued secret drinking immediately out of detox #6, despite her attempts to make everything seem 'normal' around the house. However, yesterday she was in fact meeting with her sponsor and part of her 'homework' was to identify songs that reminded her of me. My wife is not great at sharing her inner feelings and emotions, so for her, doing this by song is understood. As i listened to the lyrics, most of these songs were about how she loves me and is so sorry for the hurt and pain she has caused. I know this is more of the step 9 stuff, but I know this was her trying the best way she knows how to communicate sincerely- this was no act. So, this is where I falter- I immediately lose my conviction of leaving her and feel compassion and sadness for her struggle against the disease.

Then, the next day I see she is buying more vodka. I am a mess.

iamthird

It is hard but you have to remember that she will never get better until she makes the choice to do so. I know what you feel because my separated AH shows me moments of vulnerability, emotion and who he "used to be" before the progression of alcoholism took over.

You can support her by making her face reality and staying detached. You may have a shot eventually but you have no shot at all with an active alcoholic who has not been in recovery, working the steps for at least of year.

Work on you right now and the damage she has done to you. Dont look at detaching like being conflicted. Its normal for us codies...you have to remember those moments will not last because the disease will always take over. She will undoubtedly hurt you again and you know at some point you have to take responsibility because you stay and endure it. That is exactly what happened to me...

Be kind to yourself.

dandylion

Woodman---we don't always get to stay with the ones we love. A hard fact of life, and a hard thing to have to accept. It may be that physical separation is the very thing that some need in order to finally reach for recovery. And...sadly....it may be what is necessary for our own survival. Feeling compassion and sadness for another doesn't necessarily mean that separation is the wrong thing to do. To me it is part of what is meant by the phrase---"Detachment with love".

I cannot be with my loved ones right now---and I love them so dearly that I don't have words. This is the reality that I have to live with. If I don't have this detachment--I will just be enabling them and getting in their way of any chance of recovery.

Believe me--I have great empathy for how you are feeling. I believe that you have to keep a healthy amount of detachment at this point of time....for your own sanity.

Loving an addict is hard....very hard.....

dandylion

JustAGirl1971

Woodman, I love my husband. And, he says he still loves me.... but... we are divorcing for my sanity and our kids welfare. And for his welfare, too. We are toxic together. I hope he chooses sobriety. I hope he gets healthy. Either way, I think I will still love him. But, as dandylion said, we can't always be with the ones we love. We were tearing each other apart (and his drinking was severely affecting the kids.) Am I sad about the divorce? Yes. Will I miss my husband? Yes. Will our house be more peaceful and joyful without him? Yes, I think and hope so.

Lyssy

Thank you for this post. I really, really needed this today.

iamthird

Wow JustAGirl, I could have written this word for word! Thank You!

Katchie

Woodman, I do this too. As soon as I called and lined up lawyers to consult about a separation my AH goes to his first AA meeting; he goes to 3 in two days! It made me feel horrible that I would think to do this. But, then I look at our finances, he doesn't go to a meeting yesterday.. and then I think to myself, I have to continue gathering information for myself to protect myself and my boys, period, no matter the small instances he gives me a little hope. Will I have to act on a separation? I hope not but feel in my gut its inevitable, so I continue preparing.
So sorry for you, me, and others that we have to go thru this.

Hammer

Good Question: How to stay strong against inner conflict?

but ummm, my answer is sort of a question in itself, if you do not mind?

You have opposing forces in your heart and mind.

And you want to "Stay Strong" and have this continue?

Why?

You follow this has NOTHING to do with your A?

Way Smarter Folks than me figured this out a couple thousand years ago . . . .

"If a kingdom is divided against itself, that kingdom cannot stand. If a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able to stand."

Is that not true for you (and me), as well? Of course you are a mess.

Woodman123

Hammer, to clarify I mean stay strong in the belief that ending the marriage (or at least separation) is the right thing to do, and the conviction to carry out the necessary steps. I ABSOLUTELY do NOT want this to continue- ie, living with this conflict day in and day out. And I am angry that my son is also living this- now he believes mom is "ok"... he does not yet know that she continues to drink, and I have not shared this because it will invariably make him anxious again and impact school work. I know he will need to know soon enough, but right now I'm trying to plan next steps, as per JustAGirl's comments. It's easier when the A is a falling down drunken mess, but much harder when they appear to be trying to right the ship. Sadly, many of us have come so far that we have little hope the ship will ever sail straight again.

Katchie

Why did you have to go and make so much dang sense.. thank you for that.

FireSprite

If you decide that it is in your best interests to separate/divorce, that doesn't mean that you erase all the love. For some, yes, it comes to that. For others, there is tremendous love that still exists but the desire to stay healthy ourselves overrides the need to bond ourselves to their toxicity.

I sometimes get the sense from posts here that for some people, having that distance actually allows them to love their qualifiers even more from a distance & gain the ability to show compassion for themselves. (There's that dang compassion word popping up again!)

We are all different, I can tell you that when RAH & were separated (he was AH at the time) I reached a point where I TRULY understood that old phrase, "If you love someone, then set them free". I could take no more but I still loved him very, very much & despite everything was still IN love with him. But I loved me more.

I picked Team Me that day & let the chips fall where they may. I was shocked that instead of feeling heavy & sad, I felt lighter than I had in a long time.

hopeful4

Woodman what I will say is this. I think most addicts are very sorry for the trouble they cause, sorry they hurt others. However...if they are not sorry enough to change the behavior it really does not matter. Just because someone says they are sorry does not waive a magic wand and make them well, or even want to be well. It means they are sorry their terrible addiction causes hurt, but not enough to change.

Only you can decide how long you can ride this roller coaster. I too am sorry for you and all you are going through, however I know that does not make it all better.

Keep posting friend. We are here to walk this with you.

Katiekate

Woodman, what is the boundry???

No drinking???

Lovey, hiding her drinking from your son does not protect him.

I'm not sure what the exercise with the music was to accomplish, or how her sponsor figures that into the equation that gets her sober. I'm trying to figure out how her sponsor puts the emphasis on you and not on her.

I don't want to call it manipulation, but I have to wonder.

Stung

I'm sorry. I know this is difficult and it hurts.

Maybe try to think about it with the intent that you'll only separate and maybe, just maybe that this is what she needs from you to understand how much pain and sadness she's causing her family. Maybe she needs to be on her own too to focus on herself.

Sometimes loving an alcoholic is only as difficult as we make it in our minds. I'm separated from my husband (2 months as of next week) and I still love him, I still talk to him regularly, he still sees our daughters. But my home is peaceful without him here, they don't see me crying all the time, they don't see yelling all the time, they're NEVER around a drunk adult anymore. This is GOOD stuff, and I did it because I LOVE my daughters, I LOVE myself and I also LOVE my husband. Think about it like this, look at all the things you've made your son do that he wasn't crazy about...eating vegetables, brushing his teeth, washing his hands, going to bed (good Lord going to bed) but he NEEDS to so those things to be healthy and you want him to be healthy because you love him. Same scenario here if you just allow it to not be so grand and finite in your mind.

Sending you strength and peace Woodman.

FireSprite

I had to go back & read this part again. I'm confused as to what purpose it serves as well.... I could understand doing this exercise with songs that reflect her personal feelings about herself though. (Since she's still in the relatively early stages of recovery, right?) Maybe it's just a new concept to me because I am largely ignorant of AA/rehab exercises, etc.?

atalose

I think it’s always holding on to that little flicker of hope thinking of all the what if’s and drifting into fantasy land that cause our confusion and conflict because you see there really is nothing confusing about reality.

One meeting with her sponsor, one shared song written with someone else’s words and shared to you does not make for RECOVERY it makes for the fantasy.

Woodman123

Yeah, I am not an expert on the counseling aspect of this either. Perhaps the sponsor is simply trying to get my wife to open up a bit and reflect on what her actions have done and how she would communicate awareness of this. Again, i think this speaks the "making amends" business, although that is step 9, and my wife is nowhere near that point.

in any event, i appreciate everyone's comments, and agree that I need to set her 'free' to at least hold her accountable to the damage she has done. One part that really angers me, though, is that she will absolutely refuse to leave the house. Nothing can change that unless legal separation/divorce is played out. Therefore, i am forced to be the one to change my accommodations. That degree of selfishness really frustrates me... even if it is the necessary thing to do- why should I continue to suffer HER consequences???

lillamy

Woodman, I'm not surprised. I think we all go (went) through that at some point. And that's part of the what's so difficult. If it was all just hell (as it was the last few years of my marriage), the decision is easy. If she had laughed at your concerns, refused to go to rehab, not worked with a sponsor, you could have walked away and known for sure that it was the right decision.

It's the hope that keeps you hanging on.

Internal conflict sucks. After I left AXH, I got a protective order against him. He wasn't allowed to contact me at all. I honestly believe that if that hadn't been the case, he would have sucked me back in.

It's great that your wife is giving you songs that tell you she loves you. But love is a verb. It's an action. Until she shows in action that she is willing to take care of herself and get better, I think holding that hope at arm's length and not relying on the emotions she riles up in you may be a wise course of action.

hopeful4

I totally understand. My attorney advised me that no judge in this area will force a spouse out of the house unless an exparte is filed, and I don't need that. No one is forced to do anything until the divorce is final.

Now, my AH does not know this, however he has a pretty crafty sister who has a good attorney friend so I am sure he will find it out pretty quickly.

So...I have come to the same conclusion. If we divorce I will have to be the one to pick up the home my children and I live in and move us. Great. I have also decided it is worth it when it comes to that. Stuff is just stuff.

Good Luck. I also want to mention just because someone is a sponsor does not mean they always know what is the best thing to do. Maybe she could see she was not making progress and reached out for this to try. She is only human (the sponsor). I say this because alot of people on here are saying they don't understand. I think it's important to remember a sponsor is just another person, not a trained therapist or counselor.

JustAGirl1971

You know, I really did not think my husband would leave either! I was hoping he'd leave but assuming I'd have to leave. I planned accordingly... searched for an apartment, started the process of applying, etc. Shocked me when he agreed to leave!