spiralingup

: ( Now it's hitting me. ugh. The DS had been doing pretty well I thought. He has been going to a couple of meetings a week. (So he says.) And he seemed mentally "better" to me. We had a doctor's appointment last night to see about the buspar rx he was put on in rehab. They decided to try Zoloft and some sort of beta blocker for the anxiety attacks. I did throw in my meditation and breathing through it suggestion as well. He seemed a bit depressed but okay I thought.

Anyway...

Tonight I had this "feeling". I will make it short. I caught him. He had just used and I told him to go. I was done. Well, after him trying to put his boots on for about and hour and a half, I started watching him. He, to me (after googling), did not look so good so I dialed 911 and they came for him. I had three police officers in my little place "chatting" with him. They commented how his pupils didn't even move a bit when they put the light in them. : ( ugh.

He got in the ambulance and wasn't too happy. But tough. I told him and everyone else I didn't want to find him dead on the floor or something. I feel like my adrenaline is wearing off and yikes, my bod is screaming. (I also had to chip my car out of an iceblock and I bet I feel that tomorrow... : ( It took over a half hour.)

It just goes on and on and on. I can't write anymore. I have to get the car started and go to the hospital. I called and they said they hadn't even done any bloodwork or anything yet. She really wouldn't tell me anything. I'm sure he's not a happy camper. But tough.

Thank you all for being here. Please think good thoughts for my son. I was saying today, changing my words from "heroin addict son" to "healed son". I was trying to put a different word to him.

Thank you.

Take care.

su : )

Lovenjoy

Hang tough Spiral. Praying for you and your son. Try to take care of you. One thing I've been told here that has been helping me in my AS's issues, and mine, is that it's a marathon so take many pitstops for sustenance for yourself. (something like that) Praying you have moment's of peace today.

Kindeyes

Prayers for you and your son. Keep us posted.

Gentle hugs
ke

cece1960

I hope all turned out okay at the hospital.

spiralingup

Thank you for your words. : )

I chipped my car out, got stuck in my driveway, got unstuck,and then went to the hospital. When I got there he was sleeping and on monitors and oxygen and stuff. I spoke to the nurse about our situation and some random babbling and she said I should come home and get some sleep because he would be sleeping for a while. He was totally snoring. I watched him for about 5 minutes and left. She, and another nurse, told me he would be safe there.

I cried when I left. : ( I came home and was able to sleep for about three hours. I got up to call my one boss. She told me not to go get him. Let him find his own way home and for me to go back to sleep. Which is what I will do. She said "if he can find a way to get out to get drugs, he can find a way home" and some other stuff. Which is true.

This gives me a big fat headache... : (

I'm going to lay down again for a bit. Thank you all for your prayers. : ) God bless you all and me. : )

Take care.

su : )

hopeful4

O SU....I am so sorry.

You know, it is a hard truth but your boss is right. If he thinks you will continue to rescue him all the time it will continue. You did the right thing, he is in the hospital's capable hands, let them sort him out for a bit. Take a step back, breathe.

Tight hugs. Get some rest.

lizwig

I am so sorry you had to go through this. Prayers for you and your son....He is safe, what he chooses to do from here is totally in his hands. Prayers he makes the right choices. Big hug to you today.

spiralingup

It's just so hard. : ( He just called me and he's getting discharged. He said he would walk home from the hospital. None of his friends are around. It's 6 miles... : (

It is so hard for me to just be sitting here. I took a shower. And here I sit in my pajamas wondering, pondering, think, think, thinking... I know that helps nothing.

He says he's going to come and get some stuff. He sounded awful. Like he was still high. : (

Thank you all so much. I don't know what I would do right now if I hadn't found this place. I have basically no one to talk to. My son was mad that I told my one boss. I told him "they care what happens to you" cause they do.

I just have to let go right now. I need to go get dressed. Work will happen before I know it. I will not speculate what may be later today.

*sigh*

This doth suck. : (

Take care all.

Thank you.

su : )

hopeful4

Be strong. Can you get together lists of the local Salvation Army, homeless shelter, etc. to give to him. You know what just caught me. He is not thankful you called 911 and saved his life...just mad that you told someone. I think that is the part of addiction that ticks me off the most, their inability to see that their family and those that care for them need a support system. Don't suffer in silence. Addiction can be very lonley, you deserve a face to face support system. When I came out of the closet about my husband's addiction I felt so much better. I am not doing anything wrong, why should I suffer in silence?

Tight Hugs.

Txhelp

You only need to make your decisions for today.....

What about sober living for him? It has been working well for my daughter and it allows her to grow up as well with the support of others. Just an idea..

Prayers for you and your son...

spiralingup

At the end of his 28 days in rehab, I started talking about sober living. That got him a bit pissed. They (the residents of rehab) say it's just a way for the rehab to make more money. I do think he should go. That is up to him though, isn't it?

I am pondering calling the rehab today to speak to his counselor. She was the one who first brought it up (sober living). I called her though one time when he had the first relapse and never got a call back. I was annoyed with that.

Yes, hopeful : ), I didn't even think of that aspect of this. I told him a couple of times "don't turn this around on me. You did this to yourself.". He said "I know." He said he would figure out what to do. I wrote phone numbers down one night. I have to find them.

Thank you guys.

*hugs*



su : )

hopeful4

Yes, instead of calling his counselor, why not add it to the list of phone numbers and let him be in charge of it himself? Part of recovery, sometimes the start of recovery, is taking charge of it yourself.

Hugs.

Ann

I know your sadness and how wearing this is on you, my son overdosed 3 times and each time I had to call 911 and pray they were on time and could save him. The fear and sadness I felt is fresh in my memory and I try not to visit there often.

My son preferred to make "me" his only option and it was very hard when he lived at home, to get him to go live anyplace else.

I made up a list of detoxes, rehabs including the Salvation Army rehab that is a good program and free, hostels (usually run by the Salvation Army and they have counselors available all day and night), sober living homes and a meeting list of NA.

I kept the list and when he relapsed and I had to make him leave, I gave him my list with phone numbers and addresses too and told him that I was no longer his only option, that I was no longer an option at all and that he could live on the street or choose something from the list and left the choice up to him.

My son had a serious reading disability, which is why I made the list, but even if he hadn't I think I would make it anyway just for my own peace of mind.

My prayers go out for your son and for you.

Hugs

Mad4Chaos

Hi Spiralingup,

Reading your situation brought back a lot of memories of the struggles I've had with my own son & his 8 year struggle with addiction. At his request, I've sent him to rehab twice, the second time in Delray Beach, FL. Before he left for the 2nd rehab, we agreed that after rehab he should stay in FL to get a fresh start. He has too many addict friends here. I set him up in a sober living house in FL afterwards to give him every opportunity I could to help him get that fresh start. With my son, "The sober living house is just a money grab" conversation translated to "Just set me up in a house so I can use without being hassled." He ended up back home with me for a while & back to using. His addiction kept getting worse, going from stealing cash, to stealing guns & electronics to breaking into a locked cabinet to steal pills that weren't remotely narcotic.

In the end, the addict has to want it & be willing to do the work. For 6 years, his mother & I did everything we could think to help him beat this, but he hasn't made the personal commitment to himself to get clean. It's agonizing as a parent to watch what I call a slow motion train wreck. But I came to realize that the addict was using my love for him to manipulate me into enabling him. I truly hope your situation isn't or won't be like my situation, but it's mirroring it in a lot of ways. Good luck. : )

Txhelp

Yes...sober living is up to him... So is being homeless and being in recovery.

What you allow is up to you. You each are responsible for you.

It's taken time, for me to get a clear picture but I know understand that there life and recovery is there business. You know when someone wants it!

Txhelp

I could not have done it without my support at SR. Thank you many times over...sharing, hearing, and responding to your life stories have helped me more than words can say.

I have 3 addicts that I love dearly. Two adult children (age 19 and 25) and my husband.

My husband has been doing terrific in his recovery. He has been working night shift 7 days a weeks (12 hour days), at a refinery. It's tiring but he managed a meeting once a week; does workbook activities when he comes home; and speaks to his sponsor daily. Does he want recovery? Heck yes...it looks like recovery. His attitude and behavior tells me he is working it.

My kids...well my daughter went to sober living. Looked to be doing well but her 3 weeks mark came around and she was booted out for being past curfew and an "iffy" drug test. My mother told me the news as she hasn't confided in me.

My son still sleeping on someones couch. He is attempting to work on his car and wants to move to a nearby city for oilfield work...once the car works and he has a few dollars in his pocket. He hasn't worked in a few months and supplements with odd jobs.

My kids recovery is hit and miss. My sons behaviors and attitude feels balanced but no job has me question if he is really sober. Same thing with my daughter.

I am not around my kids hardly as all. This is what I have to do to keep my peace. My husband requested that they not come around when he is awake/home due to their recent addict behavior (manipulative; moody).

I am waiting it out time-wise to let them figure things out. It hurts my heart to not have contact as much. Really, my contact in the past has been me asking questions; giving unsolicited advice; offering help; or being asked for help. Not a healthy relationship and frankly very one-sided.

I feel detached; gained some peace; left the guilt out of the equation.

Things I tell myself:
1. It's their business.
2. Their recovery is up to them and non of my business (again)
3. This is the life that they are choosing.

Just thought I'd share. I have come along way in 6 months.

bigsombrero

Thanks for sharing, and sorry to hear about your son. For what it's worth, I remember being in a 28-day rehab and the thought of "sober living" afterwards sounded terrible. I pictured myself living under lock and key and working at a Bottle Cap Factory or something. I just couldn't believe that I was that low on the scale of humanity.

But reality hit me hard when I got back into real life on the outside. I almost relapsed immediately upon returning home, and after a week I packed a backpack and moved to Central America by myself. I needed to feel competent and independent. I was a grown man and I couldn't bear to feel like a child who needed to be monitored and watched. I needed to accomplish something that others could not, etc, etc.

I think a major change of scenery and lifestyle is a huge bonus for those in early recovery. Does he have any family that lives far away that could help him get set up in a new town for a while? I am only adding my two cents here. I also know that the point of the F&F forum is to help the F&F, not the addict, etc. Just kind of thinking out loud I guess. Good luck with everything and thanks again for letting me share my experience also.

needingabreak

Spiralingup, So sorry you are going through this. Yes it really doth suck! I say it all the time! I can sympathize with you and give you virtual hugs for all you are dealing with. It is very hard to let go and let them figure it out on their own.............and they can IF they want to. Praying for comfort and strength.

spiralingup

I'm baacckk... : ) Thank you all again for your words. : )

Since that day when he came in from walking the 6.4 miles home, he seems to be doing well. He's been going to meetings (do you ever wonder if they are lying though???) every night except for one. That was Sunday and he stayed in.

It really is just so hard. I have been having such huge anxiety attacks. I meant to go to my meeting last night but because I work like an animal, standing on my feet for the whole day and deal with the "cRAp" and fibro that's in me, I ended up going to sleep and when I woke up it was too late. Sleep is healing they say... : )

He says his "donor" was roaming our street yesterday. He (my son) told him what to "do". That is so much of his problem. He started his Zoloft and I know that will take a while to see what happens. Hopefully someone is calling him back about an appointment next week to start some sort of therapy. ugh.

I think these thoughts that I just never would have imagined I would ever think. Like, "I can't take you being here in my house." "What if he dies?" "Hope for the best, be prepared for the worst." All sorts of things. I also think: "Let go and let God." "One Day At A Time ~ One Minute At A Time If Need Be." "Breathe." : ) I am calling about therapy for me tomorrow. I don't know how much more I can take. Between him and my health stuff and some total job stress (like a bunch of closings due to snow and when I don't work I don't bring home any money and a couple of blankety-blank bosses (oy) who are quite rude) it's time for me to get a "tune-up". : )

I pray for all of us. Every single person on this whole website. This beast of addiction is just so f'in horrible. I joined two Facebook groups, but have not "spoken" yet and don't go everyday. The posts are just SO heart wrenching. So much pain. It's really tragic.

Prayers for all. Goodnight. *hugs* for all too. : )



su : )

chicory

God bless both of you , su. Yes, get yourself some therapy, something for you.You need to be able to get through your days, and nights, and detach enough to stay sane and well.
Praying for you both.