Advice seeking
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 15
Advice seeking
Hello
I have been dating a heroin addict for over 3 years now and have been going through hell with him. I've just begun to learn that I cannot help him or fix him and that I have no control over his disease.
I've been to three alanon meetings now for detachment. It really is helping to listen to everyone. I wish I could find someone to consistently talk to though. I wish I could get therapy or something but I don't have that kind of money.
Basically I've been on my own in this.
I moved out of my parents house 2 years ago to live with him and I learned very quickly of his disease. I've been paying the bills and rent and everything the whole time and still am right now.
In the beginning I was very naive and didn't understand how deadly his disease was.
During the first year of living together he was always on methadone maintenance. Which is better than heroin but is just as impossible to get off of.
Honestly he just wasn't healthy or happy while on methadone. He wasn't taking care of himself and we both NEVER had sex. So he tried to get off methadone many many times and would quickly relapse because he couldn't handle the withdrawls.
I took him to the emergency room once because he made the mistake of taking suboxon while he still had methadone in his system. He went into a full blown medically induced withdrawal mode and I thought he was going to die.
Long story short the hospital treated us like garbage and made him sit there for hours without proper treatment and the nurse got mad at him when he couldn't sit still.
He attempted to get 100% clean in July last year by moving away to Maui. He had been smoking heroin for a while during the course of the year which I didn't know about. Our relationship was at a very low point he was always lying and stealing my money. I just believed all this ********.
He finally got sick of who he was and how hurt I was and he decided to move.
He managed to get through 2 weeks of heavy withdrawls and made it. He lived there for a month and decided to leave me in out apartment in San Diego and abandon me.
Part of me of course understood and was happy he was finally sober. But at the same time it really hurt to put up with so much and then be left with all his **** and be alone in SD in our apartment thinking he was coming back. Not to mention all the messages I found of him talking to other girls and flirting and talking **** about me and how miserable he was with me and how I caused him to use.
Unfortunately he and one of the room mates in Maui got into a huge confrontation and he left. Showing up one day on my couch.
For what ever reason that God only knows. I took him back.
I'll be honest about this.
I remember the night before he showed up being one of the worst nights. I remember praying to God and asking him, " please god what ever is meant to happen to me let it happen soon!"
Well the next day I come home from work and there he is. So I believe there is more to it than what I can see. There is a reason for everything.
Anyways
We've been through hell and back since then.
It took a long time to forgive him for all of that. I'm still insecure about it. The biggest issue at hand is trust.
I have the hardest time trusting him.
I'm just exhausted.
He just finished a 21 day detox at a methadone clinic and has shape shifting to weed. He says it helps his withdrawls and blah blah blah but I just see it as him using something else.
Right now at this moment I feel that I've come a long way and I've been learning SO MUCH at hear meetings every Tuesday
I just think that we both need so much more support.
I know I can't control him and I can't do anything to help him. But it's hard when he is so dependent on me and not able to make as much money as me.
He's working as a dishwasher at a diner. He is trying.
He doesn't want to be addicted. He doesn't want this disease to have control anymore.
He wants his life back.
And I want myself back.
Any advice would help.
Thank you for listening to my story :/
-Lindsey.
I have been dating a heroin addict for over 3 years now and have been going through hell with him. I've just begun to learn that I cannot help him or fix him and that I have no control over his disease.
I've been to three alanon meetings now for detachment. It really is helping to listen to everyone. I wish I could find someone to consistently talk to though. I wish I could get therapy or something but I don't have that kind of money.
Basically I've been on my own in this.
I moved out of my parents house 2 years ago to live with him and I learned very quickly of his disease. I've been paying the bills and rent and everything the whole time and still am right now.
In the beginning I was very naive and didn't understand how deadly his disease was.
During the first year of living together he was always on methadone maintenance. Which is better than heroin but is just as impossible to get off of.
Honestly he just wasn't healthy or happy while on methadone. He wasn't taking care of himself and we both NEVER had sex. So he tried to get off methadone many many times and would quickly relapse because he couldn't handle the withdrawls.
I took him to the emergency room once because he made the mistake of taking suboxon while he still had methadone in his system. He went into a full blown medically induced withdrawal mode and I thought he was going to die.
Long story short the hospital treated us like garbage and made him sit there for hours without proper treatment and the nurse got mad at him when he couldn't sit still.
He attempted to get 100% clean in July last year by moving away to Maui. He had been smoking heroin for a while during the course of the year which I didn't know about. Our relationship was at a very low point he was always lying and stealing my money. I just believed all this ********.
He finally got sick of who he was and how hurt I was and he decided to move.
He managed to get through 2 weeks of heavy withdrawls and made it. He lived there for a month and decided to leave me in out apartment in San Diego and abandon me.
Part of me of course understood and was happy he was finally sober. But at the same time it really hurt to put up with so much and then be left with all his **** and be alone in SD in our apartment thinking he was coming back. Not to mention all the messages I found of him talking to other girls and flirting and talking **** about me and how miserable he was with me and how I caused him to use.
Unfortunately he and one of the room mates in Maui got into a huge confrontation and he left. Showing up one day on my couch.
For what ever reason that God only knows. I took him back.
I'll be honest about this.
I remember the night before he showed up being one of the worst nights. I remember praying to God and asking him, " please god what ever is meant to happen to me let it happen soon!"
Well the next day I come home from work and there he is. So I believe there is more to it than what I can see. There is a reason for everything.
Anyways
We've been through hell and back since then.
It took a long time to forgive him for all of that. I'm still insecure about it. The biggest issue at hand is trust.
I have the hardest time trusting him.
I'm just exhausted.
He just finished a 21 day detox at a methadone clinic and has shape shifting to weed. He says it helps his withdrawls and blah blah blah but I just see it as him using something else.
Right now at this moment I feel that I've come a long way and I've been learning SO MUCH at hear meetings every Tuesday
I just think that we both need so much more support.
I know I can't control him and I can't do anything to help him. But it's hard when he is so dependent on me and not able to make as much money as me.
He's working as a dishwasher at a diner. He is trying.
He doesn't want to be addicted. He doesn't want this disease to have control anymore.
He wants his life back.
And I want myself back.
Any advice would help.
Thank you for listening to my story :/
-Lindsey.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,358
Hi and welcome Lindsey 
It sounds like a tough situation but I know you'll find support and a lot of experience here.
I tend to agree with you pot is just another form of using - but where you draw the line and say no more (if that's even an option for you) is really up to you.
D
It sounds like a tough situation but I know you'll find support and a lot of experience here.
I tend to agree with you pot is just another form of using - but where you draw the line and say no more (if that's even an option for you) is really up to you.
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 15
Hello Dee
Thank you for replying
I honestly feel okay about weed. I smoke it once in a blue moon. The thing that makes me feel uneasy is that he's the addict. He's the one with the problem and I feel as though he's just substituting one thing for another. One of the hardest parts of his disease is overcoming the mental challenges. He's so used to needing SOMETHING and I think weed is just replacing it mentally.
I'd rather it be weed than heroin anyway. I love around a bunch of pot head surfers and it doesn't bother me.
Thank you for replying
I honestly feel okay about weed. I smoke it once in a blue moon. The thing that makes me feel uneasy is that he's the addict. He's the one with the problem and I feel as though he's just substituting one thing for another. One of the hardest parts of his disease is overcoming the mental challenges. He's so used to needing SOMETHING and I think weed is just replacing it mentally.
I'd rather it be weed than heroin anyway. I love around a bunch of pot head surfers and it doesn't bother me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 15
Well it was on Facebook..... If he cheated on me it would be a deal breaker.
But I can't walk away. I love him very much and have made the decision to go through with it.
I can't just walk away because he has a disease.
That's like walking away because someone has cancer...
But I can't walk away. I love him very much and have made the decision to go through with it.
I can't just walk away because he has a disease.
That's like walking away because someone has cancer...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
I remember the night before he showed up being one of the worst nights. I remember praying to God and asking him, " please god what ever is meant to happen to me let it happen soon!"
Well the next day I come home from work and there he is. So I believe there is more to it than what I can see. There is a reason for everything.
Well the next day I come home from work and there he is. So I believe there is more to it than what I can see. There is a reason for everything.
Maybe this was a test … maybe you just showed that you aren’t ready for a change …
No you can’t help him, but you sure as hell can keep him sick and contribute to the disease. The thought of you would rather it be pot rather than heroin. For an addict a drug is a drug is a drug. While some are way better than others, and some way more dangerous, you can not gauge any as better than or worse than, or acceptable. That is contributing to his addiction.
Cop outs…
Like an addict excusing a relapse with well I am an addict what did anyone expect.
Or the one that loves them excusing how they are treated with a well they have a disease.
What you see is what he is in the moment.
If in this moment you are going to stay then make sure you build up a strong support system, protect your finances…Get some boundaries and make sure you follow your deal breakers. I know so many woman who said cheating was one to just let it slide because of the drugs and how they wouldn’t have if they didn’t use…Oh all them lies, the ones we tell ourselves are the worst ones in it all.
Find acceptance … he is an addict and until he shows he is willing to go through what just has to be to find recovery that you will just have an addict in front of you. Also know that addiction is about behavior and active addiction always looks the part, there is no need for one to be using to show that. Recovery looks totally different in every way.
Good luck to both of you. I wouldn’t wish this road on anyone.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 1,405
What if you took addiction and/or the use of drugs out of it and just looked at the behaviors?
Is lying, stealing, flirting with other gals, and being needy acceptable?
While you are exhausted and paying all the bills he is living a parasitic lifestyle. He showed up on your doorstep when his back was against the wall and he had no other choices. Don’t make someone a priority when you are only an option to them.
He says he doesn’t want to be addicted anymore, but he is doing nothing for recovery. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
It’s good that you are going to AlAnon, and you could possibly find therapy through your county or state Department of Mental Health.
Is lying, stealing, flirting with other gals, and being needy acceptable?
While you are exhausted and paying all the bills he is living a parasitic lifestyle. He showed up on your doorstep when his back was against the wall and he had no other choices. Don’t make someone a priority when you are only an option to them.
He says he doesn’t want to be addicted anymore, but he is doing nothing for recovery. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
It’s good that you are going to AlAnon, and you could possibly find therapy through your county or state Department of Mental Health.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
He's always going to "need something", drugs, other woman where ever he can get that high from he'll always seek it.
Glad you are going to al-anon and glad you are learning as much as you can about addiction. Hes swapped one substance for another, that's not recovery. And you accepting that swap thinking its the lesser of the evils is unhealthy thinking and enabling his addiction.
Your accepting so little from someone who is giving you so little. I hope you work the steps and try and figure out why you are so willing to accept so little.
Glad you are going to al-anon and glad you are learning as much as you can about addiction. Hes swapped one substance for another, that's not recovery. And you accepting that swap thinking its the lesser of the evils is unhealthy thinking and enabling his addiction.
Your accepting so little from someone who is giving you so little. I hope you work the steps and try and figure out why you are so willing to accept so little.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 15
I know in the beginning I contributed to his addiction. I didn't understand the seriousness. Recently, the only contributions I've done is I've helped him pay a week worth of his 21 day detox he just did.
He did the rest all on his own. He is working and doing everything he can to contribute.
I don't him touch my money. I don't let him borrow my car nothing. I've completely disconnected. It sucks because I have to sleep with my money in my boobs while sleeping but it's better than bitching about how he spends money.
I'm trying my best to not even nag about how he spends his. If he's going to use he's going to use I can't control it. Attempting to control him has done nothing but make me a wreck.
I'm learning just not that I have been doing a lot of things wrong.
I thank you all for the feedback.
I'm kind of looming for a SUPPORT group to talk to though. Kind of hear all the negativity enough as it is.
I'm not asking for chocolate covered rainbows or anything. I'm fully aware of the situation I'm in.
I just need advice that could help us both.
Don't tell me to break up with him. Don't tell me to stay with him.
He did the rest all on his own. He is working and doing everything he can to contribute.
I don't him touch my money. I don't let him borrow my car nothing. I've completely disconnected. It sucks because I have to sleep with my money in my boobs while sleeping but it's better than bitching about how he spends money.
I'm trying my best to not even nag about how he spends his. If he's going to use he's going to use I can't control it. Attempting to control him has done nothing but make me a wreck.
I'm learning just not that I have been doing a lot of things wrong.
I thank you all for the feedback.
I'm kind of looming for a SUPPORT group to talk to though. Kind of hear all the negativity enough as it is.
I'm not asking for chocolate covered rainbows or anything. I'm fully aware of the situation I'm in.
I just need advice that could help us both.
Don't tell me to break up with him. Don't tell me to stay with him.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: North salt lake
Posts: 3,325
Not to mention all the messages I found of him talking to other girls and flirting and talking **** about me and how miserable he was with me and how I caused him to use.
[QUOTE=lindsey88;4455129]Well it was on Facebook..... If he cheated on me it would be a deal breaker.
But I can't walk away. I love him very much
He talked **** about you, he's miserable with you and you cause hum to use, the he flirting and talking to other girls.
[QUOTE=lindsey88;4455129]Well it was on Facebook..... If he cheated on me it would be a deal breaker.
But I can't walk away. I love him very much
He talked **** about you, he's miserable with you and you cause hum to use, the he flirting and talking to other girls.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by cynical one 
Is he open to the idea of treatment?
Were just lost.
This is something that the medical world makes impossible.
Not do we have 20 grand to just drop right now on a rehab.
We don't know what's even available. That's why I'm here
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 15
I don't cause him to use. That's bull. His choices and decisions cannot be anticipated nor blamed.
Those are excuses I refuse to allow him to have.
This whole face book thing happened back in July.
There is a lot to that whole insane story more than I can elaborate via writing. It's hard to explain.
He went to Maui to get sober and detox
He was in Maui. He fell in love with the place.
Yes I found him flirting with girls on Facebook. It freaking sucked. That month was horrible. I was ready to be done and slowly trying to move on to the next chapter if my life.
I prayed every night and all of a sudden he was on my couch.
You think I was happy to see him? I wanted to kill him. I flipped out and told him to leave.
I was so insanely pissed!!
He begged me to let him stay. He begged me to let him stay for a couple weeks until he could figure out his next step.
I allowed it and tried my best to stay away and do my thing.
One night I came home and he was on the couch sleeping and I just stood there and stared at him. It was so weird that he was back and we were at the place we were.
This honesty was what I wanted. I wanted him back.
I didn't want to be left here alone.
He was supposed to come back and we were going to start over in a way.
There was a lot of **** we both had to over come.
I forgave him for hurting me. But trust me when I say it's been very hard to forget.
It hasn't been easy since he came back but I can tell you it's better than the years before he left.
I am here because I am with someone that I love very much needs help and I am honestly the only person that can point him in the right direction. It's been very hard and I've lost pieces of myself along the way. I have just begun the process of reestablishing myself.
I am here to ask for resources and be guided by open minded kind hearted people.
I'm not here for relationship advice.
I'm not here to be told I'm an idiot or I'm causing my boyfriend to use.
He will use whether I am here or not.
Again he Just finished a methadone detox programer
Those are excuses I refuse to allow him to have.
This whole face book thing happened back in July.
There is a lot to that whole insane story more than I can elaborate via writing. It's hard to explain.
He went to Maui to get sober and detox
He was in Maui. He fell in love with the place.
Yes I found him flirting with girls on Facebook. It freaking sucked. That month was horrible. I was ready to be done and slowly trying to move on to the next chapter if my life.
I prayed every night and all of a sudden he was on my couch.
You think I was happy to see him? I wanted to kill him. I flipped out and told him to leave.
I was so insanely pissed!!
He begged me to let him stay. He begged me to let him stay for a couple weeks until he could figure out his next step.
I allowed it and tried my best to stay away and do my thing.
One night I came home and he was on the couch sleeping and I just stood there and stared at him. It was so weird that he was back and we were at the place we were.
This honesty was what I wanted. I wanted him back.
I didn't want to be left here alone.
He was supposed to come back and we were going to start over in a way.
There was a lot of **** we both had to over come.
I forgave him for hurting me. But trust me when I say it's been very hard to forget.
It hasn't been easy since he came back but I can tell you it's better than the years before he left.
I am here because I am with someone that I love very much needs help and I am honestly the only person that can point him in the right direction. It's been very hard and I've lost pieces of myself along the way. I have just begun the process of reestablishing myself.
I am here to ask for resources and be guided by open minded kind hearted people.
I'm not here for relationship advice.
I'm not here to be told I'm an idiot or I'm causing my boyfriend to use.
He will use whether I am here or not.
Again he Just finished a methadone detox programer
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 1,405
The Salvation Army offers free inpatient rehab.
Salvation Army
He too could possibly get counseling/therapy through The Department of Mental Health.
He could also check to see if there are any Catholic Charities, Association of Gospel Rescue Missions or Teen Challenge in the area for free/low cost treatment.
Salvation Army
He too could possibly get counseling/therapy through The Department of Mental Health.
He could also check to see if there are any Catholic Charities, Association of Gospel Rescue Missions or Teen Challenge in the area for free/low cost treatment.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 15
Thank you so much.
We live in San Diego.
Does it make a difference where location is?
We've tried the veterans hospital because they take people daily but it's impossible to get in.
One thing I've learned is how the medical world treats addicts like they are below everyone else and like they aren't worth helping and are not treatable.
It's so nice to find outreach programs.
Thank you.
We live in San Diego.
Does it make a difference where location is?
We've tried the veterans hospital because they take people daily but it's impossible to get in.
One thing I've learned is how the medical world treats addicts like they are below everyone else and like they aren't worth helping and are not treatable.
It's so nice to find outreach programs.
Thank you.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Hi Lindsey,
It sounds like you feel he is contributing all he can financially to the living situation. If so, then at this moment I think you have to either accept what he is capable of, or consider that aspect doesn't work for you now. And question if it will in the future.
I actually believe friends and family can be a lot of support to those who are in recovery. I also think drugs do alter a person’s behavior; they do things they would never do.. its part of the disease of addiction. But we must be careful to distinguish who the person is without drugs, because some people are not so great even when they are not using. I think that is something only you can determine.
But your right trying to control someone rarely works, will lead to resentment, and changes the dynamics of the relationship. Active addiction happens in the brain; you can't fix that. It takes time, staying clean, making changes to his life, and determination on his part. a good therapist would help especially if there are past traumas in his life. Sometimes therapist do work on a sliding scale, you might check for local programs. Its great he went through detox. There are options out there for treatment: Inpatient, outpatient, therapy, various group support and different kinds of programs. His methadone clinic may have some resources available, or could advise .
Here is a link to the site for National Institute of Drug Abuse. The page Im giving you is in the Family section, It has all kinds of information regarding treatment options, evidence based approaches, what to look for in treatment. Also they have a treatment locator on that same page from Samhsa (substance abuse and mental health servies). There are options on here to search for low cost services also. One program Ive heard good things about is St Jude Retreat. They are supposed to have options for everyone.. I know someone who used it for their young adult.
Patients & Families | National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA)
There is also a really great site for those in recovery/family and friends. .. Just google HBO addiction…. It’s a site HBO created in partnership with National Institute of Drug Abuse.. tons of info for both of you there.
You might also want to check out Smart Recovery; for either of you...Ive sent you these links in a p.message. One tool they utilize is a method called RBT: Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy. Its similar to some of the techniques both my husband and I learned in therapy. They also teach the CRAFT method that is based on motivational techniques to encourage treatment, and motivate recovery along with helping you take care of yourself by means of self care and boundaries. This I was taught in therapy and used to support my husbands early recovery. It's all free, and they also have online meetings and chat. Today's family meeting was actually on Forgiveness and Trust.
If you have questions on any of these things, I will be happy to talk to you about them.
It sounds like you feel he is contributing all he can financially to the living situation. If so, then at this moment I think you have to either accept what he is capable of, or consider that aspect doesn't work for you now. And question if it will in the future.
I actually believe friends and family can be a lot of support to those who are in recovery. I also think drugs do alter a person’s behavior; they do things they would never do.. its part of the disease of addiction. But we must be careful to distinguish who the person is without drugs, because some people are not so great even when they are not using. I think that is something only you can determine.
But your right trying to control someone rarely works, will lead to resentment, and changes the dynamics of the relationship. Active addiction happens in the brain; you can't fix that. It takes time, staying clean, making changes to his life, and determination on his part. a good therapist would help especially if there are past traumas in his life. Sometimes therapist do work on a sliding scale, you might check for local programs. Its great he went through detox. There are options out there for treatment: Inpatient, outpatient, therapy, various group support and different kinds of programs. His methadone clinic may have some resources available, or could advise .
Here is a link to the site for National Institute of Drug Abuse. The page Im giving you is in the Family section, It has all kinds of information regarding treatment options, evidence based approaches, what to look for in treatment. Also they have a treatment locator on that same page from Samhsa (substance abuse and mental health servies). There are options on here to search for low cost services also. One program Ive heard good things about is St Jude Retreat. They are supposed to have options for everyone.. I know someone who used it for their young adult.
Patients & Families | National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA)
There is also a really great site for those in recovery/family and friends. .. Just google HBO addiction…. It’s a site HBO created in partnership with National Institute of Drug Abuse.. tons of info for both of you there.
You might also want to check out Smart Recovery; for either of you...Ive sent you these links in a p.message. One tool they utilize is a method called RBT: Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy. Its similar to some of the techniques both my husband and I learned in therapy. They also teach the CRAFT method that is based on motivational techniques to encourage treatment, and motivate recovery along with helping you take care of yourself by means of self care and boundaries. This I was taught in therapy and used to support my husbands early recovery. It's all free, and they also have online meetings and chat. Today's family meeting was actually on Forgiveness and Trust.
If you have questions on any of these things, I will be happy to talk to you about them.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I don't him touch my money. I don't let him borrow my car nothing. I've completely disconnected. It sucks because I have to sleep with my money in my boobs while sleeping but it's better than bitching about how he spends money.
My dysfunctional life had become my "normal" and I didn't know how to live any other way. As bad as it was, it was my comfort zone because I was afraid if I changed my son would die and in the end, I almost died trying to save him.
Please give a lot of thought to what you want out of life and then see how this fits. Not how is "would" fit "if only" but how it fits exactly as it is. Because it is what it is and we cannot make anyone change no matter how hard we try or how much we love them.
I'm glad you reached out and hope you find some help for yourself.
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