Help
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Detroit, mi
Posts: 3
Help
I have been dating a man for a bit over a year now and I am sick of his drinking. I know he will never quit. He keeps telling me that he is ready, the time has come, etc. but it's all just lies. He has now lied to me twice, that I know of, about going to the bar. When I ask him if he has been drinking he accuses me of acting like I'm his mother. I'm so tired of his behaviors. He acts like a complete idiot when he has been drinking. He does not physically abuse me but the mental torment, the worrying of drinking qnd driving, the financial strain, etc., is slowly killing me. I have broke up with him more times then I can count but keep going back for more. How can I tell him goodbye and stick to it. I am so in love with him that I just cry at the thought of being without him. He lied to me again tonight and I told him that I don't do drunks and I don't do liars then I went home. He texted me saying that we need to talk tomorrow. He said that he couldn't talk to me tonight because "I" was to mad. Oh how I could just be strong but he has my heart. I need help. Please give me the words to say and the strength I need. Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 154
Tomorrow, why not just turn off the phone and take a break while you sort out your feelings? No harm in that. Just take a break and get some emotional distance for two or three days. Tell him that you understand that he doesn't want to talk to you when you are too mad…and you are still too mad and will contact him when you calm down.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
Hi there. Sounds like you're stuck in a bad cycle with your boyfriend. If you're really through with him then I just wouldn't contact him anymore at this point, especially since you aren't living together or sharing any financial responsibilities. Maybe just block him from your phone and take some time away from him. It'll be hard at first but the distance might give you some clarity in regards to how you feel about your relationship with him.
Sending you strength and hugs.
Sending you strength and hugs.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
"I am severely codependent and I need help. I am going to go to Al-Anon for friends and family of alcoholics in order to sort myself out. I am unable to be in a relationship with you or with anyone else until I face my own issues."
The problem with saying goodbye to him seems to be that you see it as terribly final, and you are not ready for that finality.
It is okay to take a break from seeing him romantically, to accept responsibility for your own growth, and to be open to whatever happens next. In recovery we say "do the next right thing." You don't have to solve it all right now.
If you can take a break, attend as many Al-Anon meetings in your town each week as you can fit in, then reassess in a month, your higher power will have a chance to work with you.
The problem with saying goodbye to him seems to be that you see it as terribly final, and you are not ready for that finality.
It is okay to take a break from seeing him romantically, to accept responsibility for your own growth, and to be open to whatever happens next. In recovery we say "do the next right thing." You don't have to solve it all right now.
If you can take a break, attend as many Al-Anon meetings in your town each week as you can fit in, then reassess in a month, your higher power will have a chance to work with you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 873
Originally Posted by Lovetomuch 
I have been dating a man for a bit over a year now and I am sick of his drinking. I know he will never quit. He keeps telling me that he is ready, the time has come, etc. but it's all just lies. He has now lied to me twice, that I know of, about going to the bar. When I ask him if he has been drinking he accuses me of acting like I'm his mother. I'm so tired of his behaviors. He acts like a complete idiot when he has been drinking. He does not physically abuse me but the mental torment, the worrying of drinking qnd driving, the financial strain, etc., is slowly killing me. I have broke up with him more times then I can count but keep going back for more. How can I tell him goodbye and stick to it. I am so in love with him that I just cry at the thought of being without him. He lied to me again tonight and I told him that I don't do drunks and I don't do liars then I went home. He texted me saying that we need to talk tomorrow. He said that he couldn't talk to me tonight because "I" was to mad. Oh how I could just be strong but he has my heart. I need help. Please give me the words to say and the strength I need. Thank you.
There are activities that you do and you will gain insight about your feelings and how to help yourself.
I didn't know I could be this happy after I left my idiot I mean AH. I probably would never know had I not actually done it and faced my fears. Being an addict only gets worse.
The mental torment that is going in your head is only affecting you not him. Please realize he can be a past and it's ok.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
None of this has anything at all to do with HIS drinking and everything to do with how YOU feel about YOURSELF.
When you accept that YOU deserve better treatment and to be respected and not lied to than you will be able to move away from this toxic dysfunctional relationship.
The only changing that needs to be done in this relationship is with YOU.
When you accept that YOU deserve better treatment and to be respected and not lied to than you will be able to move away from this toxic dysfunctional relationship.
The only changing that needs to be done in this relationship is with YOU.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Detroit, mi
Posts: 3
Hi Everyone -
Well we ended our relationship about two weeks ago. He actually texted me saying HE was done. He was tired of me telling him what to do and getting mad all the time. I have to say my heart is broken. I can't even figure out why. Our relationship got to a physical abuse level, he mentally abused me all the time, and the list can go on and on. I miss him so much. He is completely ignoring me. He blocked my phone number. If I email him or something he replies with STOP, or something close to that. I really don't get it. Why am I hurting and him not giving a crap? All I wanted to do was stop him from killing himself. Why am I the bad guy and the psycho? I miss him so badly and I know I would go back to him in an instant, if he would ask. I so wish I didn't feel this way but he really does have my heart. I am now in therapy because I was so distraught and I KNOW that the way I am feeling is wrong on many levels. I will be devastated when, not if, he destroys himself. However, I know that feeling is not mutual. He really only cares about himself and his bottle. Thanks for listening and commenting on my HELP post. I know what all you are saying. I am so co-dependent on him its just sickening.
Well we ended our relationship about two weeks ago. He actually texted me saying HE was done. He was tired of me telling him what to do and getting mad all the time. I have to say my heart is broken. I can't even figure out why. Our relationship got to a physical abuse level, he mentally abused me all the time, and the list can go on and on. I miss him so much. He is completely ignoring me. He blocked my phone number. If I email him or something he replies with STOP, or something close to that. I really don't get it. Why am I hurting and him not giving a crap? All I wanted to do was stop him from killing himself. Why am I the bad guy and the psycho? I miss him so badly and I know I would go back to him in an instant, if he would ask. I so wish I didn't feel this way but he really does have my heart. I am now in therapy because I was so distraught and I KNOW that the way I am feeling is wrong on many levels. I will be devastated when, not if, he destroys himself. However, I know that feeling is not mutual. He really only cares about himself and his bottle. Thanks for listening and commenting on my HELP post. I know what all you are saying. I am so co-dependent on him its just sickening.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 243
Hi Lovetomuch,
I understand how you feel. I tried to help my exAbf - I got him phone numbers & people he could talk to and he cut me out. Nice huh? So I will pray you will heal. Take your time & read on detachment. You'll get there. I really understand. I thought I found the right one- "this was it" until the alcohol shoes itself... Then came the drugs. Be strong & know that everyone here is cheering you on. You'll be fine, just remember you deserve better. Love, Bernadette 777
I understand how you feel. I tried to help my exAbf - I got him phone numbers & people he could talk to and he cut me out. Nice huh? So I will pray you will heal. Take your time & read on detachment. You'll get there. I really understand. I thought I found the right one- "this was it" until the alcohol shoes itself... Then came the drugs. Be strong & know that everyone here is cheering you on. You'll be fine, just remember you deserve better. Love, Bernadette 777
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