Court drama continues ......
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
Court drama continues ......
Hi all
So since the roundtable meeting for court process took place & the new arrangements kicked in, the XH has changed the arrangements each time.
Because I want the whole process over I agreed to everything put in place at the meeting, signed & delivered the docs to my lawyer.
Get this:
Now XH has been to his lawyer & basically everything he agreed to in the meeting he now doesn't agree too.
What he wants now is what I had offered him in the very beginning before it started costing big money.
I am so sick of this.
I have decided that I will agree to what he wants now as it was what I wanted except that I had hoped he would have the kids over some of the holidays but he doesn't want to, only 7 days at Christmas!
This all coming from a man who wanted week about shared custody & more time with his kids to not even wanting them in the holidays.
It's been a big waste of time & money.
I am hoping I am in the final stages now. Of course given how often he has changed plans lately, I will only believe it when I see it in writing.
I have always been & will continue to be the responsible parent in the family.
So since the roundtable meeting for court process took place & the new arrangements kicked in, the XH has changed the arrangements each time.
Because I want the whole process over I agreed to everything put in place at the meeting, signed & delivered the docs to my lawyer.
Get this:
Now XH has been to his lawyer & basically everything he agreed to in the meeting he now doesn't agree too.
What he wants now is what I had offered him in the very beginning before it started costing big money.
I am so sick of this.
I have decided that I will agree to what he wants now as it was what I wanted except that I had hoped he would have the kids over some of the holidays but he doesn't want to, only 7 days at Christmas!
This all coming from a man who wanted week about shared custody & more time with his kids to not even wanting them in the holidays.
It's been a big waste of time & money.
I am hoping I am in the final stages now. Of course given how often he has changed plans lately, I will only believe it when I see it in writing.
I have always been & will continue to be the responsible parent in the family.
Stoic
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Wash D.C.
Posts: 321
Reminds me of my last phone conversation a couple weeks ago with AW, we were "discussing" the divorce. She was railing on me about how she is going to contest it and drag it out for years, bringing both of us into bankruptcy.
I can only just shake my head and hope she doesn't do that. She's so selfish in her hate for me and denial of alcoholism that she doesn't even consider what all that would do to the kids' (4 and 7) living standards.
I can only just shake my head and hope she doesn't do that. She's so selfish in her hate for me and denial of alcoholism that she doesn't even consider what all that would do to the kids' (4 and 7) living standards.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
What a mess. *sigh*
My old therapist told me that sometimes, a person wants to hang on to a relationship in any way possible. If that entails shelling out tens of thousands on lawyers in order to keep a hostile situation going, that's what they'll do. They don't want a resolution, their interest is simply in prolonging the fight. It sounds like your ex is one of them; I know mine is. Whenever I agree to his stipulations, he backs off and wants something else. I think I'm wearing him down, though, but in the meantime, I've spent a fat downpayment on a house on my attorney.
My old therapist told me that sometimes, a person wants to hang on to a relationship in any way possible. If that entails shelling out tens of thousands on lawyers in order to keep a hostile situation going, that's what they'll do. They don't want a resolution, their interest is simply in prolonging the fight. It sounds like your ex is one of them; I know mine is. Whenever I agree to his stipulations, he backs off and wants something else. I think I'm wearing him down, though, but in the meantime, I've spent a fat downpayment on a house on my attorney.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I think that they like the idea of fighting for this and that just to be difficult. When it comes down to it, he is selfish and realized he does not want to care for the kids that much after all.
I realize it is costing alot, but truly the kids are better off.
Hugs.
I realize it is costing alot, but truly the kids are better off.
Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Personally, tying you up in legal drama is another form of abuse. He continues to control your well-being by charging you money, renting space in your head, and making you answer to his whims.
I have no idea what to do about that than continue to stand up for yourself and pick your battles. But I do think it's abusive.
I have no idea what to do about that than continue to stand up for yourself and pick your battles. But I do think it's abusive.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Floripa
Posts: 121
Originally Posted by Rosiepetal 
Hi all
So since the roundtable meeting for court process took place & the new arrangements kicked in, the XH has changed the arrangements each time.
Because I want the whole process over I agreed to everything put in place at the meeting, signed & delivered the docs to my lawyer.
Get this:
Now XH has been to his lawyer & basically everything he agreed to in the meeting he now doesn't agree too.
What he wants now is what I had offered him in the very beginning before it started costing big money.
I am so sick of this.
I have decided that I will agree to what he wants now as it was what I wanted except that I had hoped he would have the kids over some of the holidays but he doesn't want to, only 7 days at Christmas!
This all coming from a man who wanted week about shared custody & more time with his kids to not even wanting them in the holidays.
It's been a big waste of time & money.
I am hoping I am in the final stages now. Of course given how often he has changed plans lately, I will only believe it when I see it in writing.
I have always been & will continue to be the responsible parent in the family.
So since the roundtable meeting for court process took place & the new arrangements kicked in, the XH has changed the arrangements each time.
Because I want the whole process over I agreed to everything put in place at the meeting, signed & delivered the docs to my lawyer.
Get this:
Now XH has been to his lawyer & basically everything he agreed to in the meeting he now doesn't agree too.
What he wants now is what I had offered him in the very beginning before it started costing big money.
I am so sick of this.
I have decided that I will agree to what he wants now as it was what I wanted except that I had hoped he would have the kids over some of the holidays but he doesn't want to, only 7 days at Christmas!
This all coming from a man who wanted week about shared custody & more time with his kids to not even wanting them in the holidays.
It's been a big waste of time & money.
I am hoping I am in the final stages now. Of course given how often he has changed plans lately, I will only believe it when I see it in writing.
I have always been & will continue to be the responsible parent in the family.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Personally, tying you up in legal drama is another form of abuse. He continues to control your well-being by charging you money, renting space in your head, and making you answer to his whims.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Thank you for saying that, Florence! I have thought that myself, but couldn't put it into words.
For example, when I went through the custody case with my NPDex, he used the court system to smear an intimidate me by dropping hints that I was a drug-addled, promiscuous, irresponsible person. Meanwhile I was pulling a 4.0 GPA in college and he was dropping out. I still had to answer all of the humiliating questions in front of a judge and a team of lawyers. He also pulled this thing like Rosiepetal's ex where he would agree to something with me, and as soon as it was time to sign on the dotted line he would flare up accusations against me and start flopping around like a fish. So much time and money and headaches wasted on his shenanigans, and it frayed my nerves so bad I was a mess for a long while.
It's no joke.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
Rosie,
I am so glad you will have your children in your care! Above everything, don't forget to celebrate! It could have been much worse!
As for the court room drama nonsense, I hear you, women! I just added up my latest attorney fees, and I may never be able to pick my lower jaw off the floor. Omg. All because stupid xah plays constant games, won't follow court orders or give anyone a straight answer.
But, we can outsmart em! Learn from this, so next time he acts, you won't react so hard. Be prepared for these attention-grabbing tricks and keep your emotions cool. Consider the expense a lesson learned.
Not saying that's easy, but we are in these straits for the long haul. It has gotten lots better for me since I came to be able to predict the strange new land I've fallen into.
I am so glad you will have your children in your care! Above everything, don't forget to celebrate! It could have been much worse!
As for the court room drama nonsense, I hear you, women! I just added up my latest attorney fees, and I may never be able to pick my lower jaw off the floor. Omg. All because stupid xah plays constant games, won't follow court orders or give anyone a straight answer.
But, we can outsmart em! Learn from this, so next time he acts, you won't react so hard. Be prepared for these attention-grabbing tricks and keep your emotions cool. Consider the expense a lesson learned.
Not saying that's easy, but we are in these straits for the long haul. It has gotten lots better for me since I came to be able to predict the strange new land I've fallen into.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
Rosie,
I am so glad you will have your children in your care! Above everything, don't forget to celebrate! It could have been much worse!
As for the court room drama nonsense, I hear you, women! I just added up my latest attorney fees, and I may never be able to pick my lower jaw off the floor. Omg. All because stupid xah plays constant games, won't follow court orders or give anyone a straight answer.
But, we can outsmart em! Learn from this, so next time he acts, you won't react so hard. Be prepared for these attention-grabbing tricks and keep your emotions cool. Consider the expense a lesson learned.
Not saying that's easy, but we are in these straits for the long haul. It has gotten lots better for me since I came to be able to predict the strange new land I've fallen into.
I am so glad you will have your children in your care! Above everything, don't forget to celebrate! It could have been much worse!
As for the court room drama nonsense, I hear you, women! I just added up my latest attorney fees, and I may never be able to pick my lower jaw off the floor. Omg. All because stupid xah plays constant games, won't follow court orders or give anyone a straight answer.
But, we can outsmart em! Learn from this, so next time he acts, you won't react so hard. Be prepared for these attention-grabbing tricks and keep your emotions cool. Consider the expense a lesson learned.
Not saying that's easy, but we are in these straits for the long haul. It has gotten lots better for me since I came to be able to predict the strange new land I've fallen into.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
when I went through the custody case with my NPDex, he used the court system to smear an intimidate me by dropping hints that I was a drug-addled, promiscuous, irresponsible person.
I knew a lady who did a lot of research on abusive relationships and she talked a lot about how the court system became another tool for controlling men.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 756
This is one of the things I'm scared of with stbx, that he'll drag everything out for stupid reasons. He has no true interest in seeing his kids(as of right now, he sees them for less than 48 hours once a month)
lilamy, I can see ex trying that "parade of guys" thing. He's still convinced I was doing cheating on him the entire marriage too. Even with my playgroup friends!
lilamy, I can see ex trying that "parade of guys" thing. He's still convinced I was doing cheating on him the entire marriage too. Even with my playgroup friends!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
I was such a fool to think this could be nearing the end.
I have agreed to put the following in writing:
1. I am responsible for all of the school holidays except he is aloud a 7 day period in the Christmas break. He didn't want them in the holidays, oh only when it suits him & in the Christmas period.
2. I have changed the changeover time to 5.30 instead of school pick up because he couldn't meet the arrangement due to work commitments.
I thought once it was signed that would be it, no court.
But my lawyer informs me today that it will still go to court because of the sequence of days he wanted.
I feel like I've shot in the foot AGAIN.
Apparently what I've agreed to will go into final order & the only thing we are fighting in court is a Weds night or Thurs night. That is ridiculous especially seeing as he can't meet the school pickups he proposed.
I don't understand any of this. I'm agreeing all & bending things to keep the peace & make it easier for everybody & it goes against me.
Now I'm thinking...............hang on a minute............I haven't signed these papers & if I still have to go to court shouldn't I fight for sharing half of the holidays as he did want them more often & I only agreed cause I thought it would keep it out of court & he didn't want them.
This is ridiculous.
Any useful advice would be appreciated.
Or a cheering for Rosiepetal team............................
I have agreed to put the following in writing:
1. I am responsible for all of the school holidays except he is aloud a 7 day period in the Christmas break. He didn't want them in the holidays, oh only when it suits him & in the Christmas period.
2. I have changed the changeover time to 5.30 instead of school pick up because he couldn't meet the arrangement due to work commitments.
I thought once it was signed that would be it, no court.
But my lawyer informs me today that it will still go to court because of the sequence of days he wanted.
I feel like I've shot in the foot AGAIN.
Apparently what I've agreed to will go into final order & the only thing we are fighting in court is a Weds night or Thurs night. That is ridiculous especially seeing as he can't meet the school pickups he proposed.
I don't understand any of this. I'm agreeing all & bending things to keep the peace & make it easier for everybody & it goes against me.
Now I'm thinking...............hang on a minute............I haven't signed these papers & if I still have to go to court shouldn't I fight for sharing half of the holidays as he did want them more often & I only agreed cause I thought it would keep it out of court & he didn't want them.
This is ridiculous.
Any useful advice would be appreciated.
Or a cheering for Rosiepetal team............................
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Rosie! Rosie! 
I completely understand being baffled. AXH didn't want any schedule at all. He just wanted to "work it out with her". Or translating: he wanted to just pick up DS when ever he decided he wanted to do something. When he was asked if he wanted more time in the summer, he said, "Sure. If I want to get him, I'll just take time off from work."
And another thing I thought was incredibly telling was when the judge asked AXH what his GF's kids were like he said "They're great. They spend a week with their dad." And it wasn't that HE was asking for a full week with DS, it was that he got a full week without responsibilities.
I wish there was a way to make him be the responsible parent at least part-time: getting DS's breakfasts and lunches ready for the school day, making sure he has all the appropriate gear, making sure he's picked up after school and either coordinating his work day to that schedule or figuring out how to arrange and pay for before or after school care. But I KNOW that had that been the type of arrangement put in place, I'd have been paying astronomical fees for every time DS wasn't picked on time and receiving calls from the school office about DS not having food, or skates, or a hat or gloves or snowpants...
((((Hugs)))) Hang in there, Rosie.
I completely understand being baffled. AXH didn't want any schedule at all. He just wanted to "work it out with her". Or translating: he wanted to just pick up DS when ever he decided he wanted to do something. When he was asked if he wanted more time in the summer, he said, "Sure. If I want to get him, I'll just take time off from work."
And another thing I thought was incredibly telling was when the judge asked AXH what his GF's kids were like he said "They're great. They spend a week with their dad." And it wasn't that HE was asking for a full week with DS, it was that he got a full week without responsibilities.
I wish there was a way to make him be the responsible parent at least part-time: getting DS's breakfasts and lunches ready for the school day, making sure he has all the appropriate gear, making sure he's picked up after school and either coordinating his work day to that schedule or figuring out how to arrange and pay for before or after school care. But I KNOW that had that been the type of arrangement put in place, I'd have been paying astronomical fees for every time DS wasn't picked on time and receiving calls from the school office about DS not having food, or skates, or a hat or gloves or snowpants...
((((Hugs)))) Hang in there, Rosie.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
If you are going to court ask for EVERYTHING what you want and what you think is in the best interest of your children. If he doesn't want to hash this out reasonably, then y'all can litigate.
I went through this with my NPD ex and I rolled over for a lot of things to avoid conflict and ended up with an insane visitation schedule. In my experience, if he's not arguing in good faith, put your money to work and litigate. Tell your lawyer what your ideal, reasonable visitation schedule would look like. Go for that.
I went through this with my NPD ex and I rolled over for a lot of things to avoid conflict and ended up with an insane visitation schedule. In my experience, if he's not arguing in good faith, put your money to work and litigate. Tell your lawyer what your ideal, reasonable visitation schedule would look like. Go for that.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
Thanks all.
Sparklekitty thanks for your kind words.
It is confusing for the children because the plan keeps changing.
I think they can probably see now that Mummy is trying to help Daddy (ie by picking up from school because he can't) but Daddy is making Mummy stressed.
It's hard because I can't plan too much for the future because I don't know what is going to happen.
I think I need more legal advice because they are drawing up papers for me to sign that I would agree to if it wasn't going to court but if I have to go to court I might as well reneg & get it sorted once and for all.
Will keep you guys posted.
Thanks so much for your support.
Sparklekitty thanks for your kind words.
It is confusing for the children because the plan keeps changing.
I think they can probably see now that Mummy is trying to help Daddy (ie by picking up from school because he can't) but Daddy is making Mummy stressed.
It's hard because I can't plan too much for the future because I don't know what is going to happen.
I think I need more legal advice because they are drawing up papers for me to sign that I would agree to if it wasn't going to court but if I have to go to court I might as well reneg & get it sorted once and for all.
Will keep you guys posted.
Thanks so much for your support.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
