Katchie

Ok..I sat for two hours with my friend/attorney. He encouraged me that what ever I do, try to make the marriage work. He gave me all sorts of good advice and even tied biblical quotes into it, which, as a Christian, I appreciate. I got a lot out of our time together and I respect his opinion.
Towards the end of our conversation I mention to him that my AH is going thru. about $500 a week in cash. He is appalled so I check my text messages from my bank that notify me when an amount is withdrawn over $100 just to be sure of my facts, and sure enough, tracking his last 5 w/d's they were in the amount of $500 and one for $300 within a day of another cash w/d. His bushy eyebrows raised and he looked at me over the top of his glasses and proceded to tell me something else must be going on because crown royal would only cost X amount when bought every day over a week period. My AH only works 2 miles from the house so it's not being gobbled up in gas too. This has been going on for a while, a long while. I then told him that I can see where he is at via ifind on my phone and that at least twice I have seen him in a neighborhood I don't recognize, but that I always feel badly when I check up on him so try not to do that very often. He advised me to check more often as his wife and that if he starts to fall off the wagon again he will hire a PI to watch him and see what the heck he's doing with that amount of money a week. Meanwhile he told me to start socking money away, figure out what I want to do, and get my education.

I feel so stupid. I pray there is nothing else going on; I don't know if I could handle that. It makes me sick to my stomach to think.

Have any of you had someone go thru. this amount of money weekly, but it mean nothing more than being a spender??

littlefish

I'll go out on a limb and write the first reaction I had: I think the friend/attorneys advice sounds like he is wearing not just glasses but blinders. You have good reasons for wanting a divorce, I am puzzled that he didn't support your choice. Does he really want you to continue to live in chaos, accept heartbreak, lies and theft?
It's crazy advice to suggest you get a PI!
I would seek another lawyer and another opinion. Hope this advice isn't too harsh.

Katchie

I do want to say this is only a snip of a two hour conversation. He really wasnt trying to talk me out of it as much as making sure I understood exactly the process and how hard it is. I told him I'm not thinking of a divorce right now but do want to understand the process of a legal separation. So, I should have stated that more clearly I guess. The real concern I have is the concern I saw on his face regarding the amount of money being spent in such short periods of time. I don't know why I didn't think this was odd. What the crap is wrong with me...ugh.

marie1960

perhaps someone has a bit of a drug problem here? just a thought....

is he a gambler? prostitution?

Is he coming home with shopping bags?

Exactly what kind of a neighborhood is he visiting here?

Doesn't sound like he is stopping at the Ritz for dinner .

also, while I think it perfectly ok for a friend to share his christian views with you regarding your marriage, ( if you are receptive to that sort of thing)

I would probably seek legal advice from an attorney who is not a friend or relative, my brother is a law professor/ attorney, he has always told me he is too emotional invested to represent me to his fullest potential, just another thought...

Taking5

Several thoughts. IMHO the attorney should try to support you better rather than talking you into staying in a bad situation. I'd get another attorney.

Secondly, I don't if there is more going on or not, but if he is drinking crown royal at a decent bar, it is easy to spend $100 per day. (This was one of my favorites when I was out there). If he was a drunk like me, I not only had to have my drinks, I had to be the "big shot" and make sure I was the biggest tipper in the joint too. Crown is at least $5 per drink, and I could drink 20 in my prime and still have room for more. I wouldn't expect the lawyer to know this because he's probably not an alkie like me.

If he is drinking at home, then I agree, there is something else going on.

CarryOn

Katchie...The times when RAH spent a lot on booze were earlier in his relapse when he would go out with a buddy or two and treat everyone - $200 in a few hours wasn't uncommon. He probably spent $15-20 on beer a day drinking at home, so probably about $150 a week if he didn't go out. Does your AH drink mainly at home or does he go out? Around here, a bottle of beer can be $5-8 depending on what bar or restaurant you go to...if you bought the case to drink at home that same beer is about $1.00 - $1.50

For perspective, when we were living separately, RAH was going through about $500 per week (he used the joint account that I still had access to). He would put the hotels & gas on a credit card, but the rest of his expenses were paid for in cash...about the time he quit drinking, he joined a gym & was eating more (alcohol consumption suppressed his appetite) so that seemed to replace the spending on booze.

Katchie

My AH doesn't go to the bar. He buys crown and stashes it at his office and every once in a while at home.

Secondly, this attorney, who I haven't seen in years, is a recovered alcoholic for 20 years.

I do have a couple of other lawyers lined up to have meetins with. I spoke to one over the phone that didn't want to help me with a legal separation and only wanted me to shoot for a full divorce to save myself $$. Then advised me that all they do in AA is sit around and talk and never really help anyone..ugh. I won't be calling this guy back. I am beginning to think I don't like lawyers...

changeneeded

Don't feel stupid Katchie.. just don't! Sometimes we are just blinded to what is going on and when it is time the light will go on. I'm glad that he is giving you advice, I am receiving the same as well.

I haven't read your other posts so I don't know your complete situation. I will try to do that so I don't ask you questions that are answered else where. I will ask is he trying to quit or giving you the impression that he is? I'm just wondering if he is buying something he thinks might be calming his nerves more or the w/drawls if quitting is the case.

Be well,

Taking5

Katchie, based on your response I think a PI is a very good idea. There is either drugs, gambling or another woman involved, again JMHO.

theuncertainty

I'd added up how much AXH was spending once; I don't recall the number, but I recall that it was insane. (All of his paychecks, part-to-most of mine...) I don't KNOW what he was spending it on (seems like an awful lot of vodka - I think I'd worked it out to about a handle of expensive stuff almost every day), but I have guesses. Mainly because anything he accused me of doing or his friends of doing, it often ended up being something HE was doing (cheating, stealing...). So, he had "friends" who had cocaine or oxy problems, which is why he couldn't continue to live with them, and why he'd show up buzzing the buzzer at my apartment complex begging me to let him up and to let him move in. The symptoms of oxy abuse fit very well with some of the symptoms he displayed on occasion.... I don't know, but I suspect.

In the end it didn't matter where the money was going, what mattered was the fact that it was gone and unavailable to use to take care of our son and our living expenses. What mattered was the fact that even with statement copies in hand, AXH heartily denied that the money was gone and that HE was the one that pulled it out of the account. (Not sure who else it could have been, DS was only 2yo, and I know I didn't withdraw it....) What mattered was the fact that he left us on the brink of eviction and/or no heat, power or food several times and didn't seem to care. What mattered was the fact that I was tired of living that way.

Best wishes.

Turninganewleaf

Gambling would be a good guess. However, you say you have tracked him to unknown neighborhoods? If these are high crime, low-income type areas than it is probably drugs. A cocaine addict could go threw that amount of money quite easily.

FireSprite

While anything is possible (certainly it's possible to spend it on alcohol even if that seems outrageous to us), my very first thought was pills. In my neck if the woods, I am amazed at how many people go through that kind of cash for oxy, vicodin, percocet. (sp?) I'm even more amazed at how well they hide it and continue to function. A few of RAH's old bandmates developed serious addictions to them.

tomsteve

instead of spending all that $$ on a PI and all that $$ in gas to follow him, why not keep it simple and go straight to hubby? have yer bank balance with ya? maybe a drug testing kit?

I went through $700/week real easy when I was smoking crack.

being a christain, have you talked to your pastor about it? find out what the bible says about how a husband is to treat a wife? its very easy to take a verse out of context and misconstrue its meaning.

JustAGirl1971

Katchie, have you asked him what he's spending it on? Yes, I know that he'll probably lie, but, if he's serious about getting sober and making amends, then he may just confess and it may not be as scary as it sounds. My BIL is a big spender. He can easily blow through that in a week. Not just on alcohol but also taking people out for lunch/dinner, going to the horse races, or "buying friends." It is concerning... but doesn't necessarily mean he's using drugs or having an affair?

As for the lawyer. I received similar advice... only from my counselor, not a lawyer (a christian counselor, also referenced bible verses.) When I told her I'd searched the garage looking for alcohol.... she told me that that was GOOD and that, depending on circumstances, she sometimes recommends hiring a PI. She also advised me to live separately from AH until the kids graduate from high school & go away to college (close to FIVE YEARS.)

For me, the thing was, our trust was gone. I love my husband. I honestly can't imagine NOT loving him.... but I do not want to be married to a man that I do not trust. And, I think he's ready to be free of me, too. He can't/doesn't care to live up to my (admittedly high) expectations. I think he was sick of feeling like a failure. The thing is, we just want too different of things from life. Plus, now he can drink all he wants without my nagging

I don't know. I've started applying the alanon saying "take what you like, leave the rest" to other areas of my life... including and especially the advice that others give me.

ETA: I had the opposite problem with my AH. He didn't spend that much on his vodka because he didn't have it.... He prefers to work in a very low paying job with no potential for advancement and no real expectations.

Katchie

No, I've not asked him and don't plan on it anytime soon. I'm going to pay closer attention to the w/d's and document them and his behavior and go from there. I've been foolish enough, don't want to be foolish anymore if it can be preventable.

JustAGirl1971

Totally understand. I would want to know where the money is going, too.

mry

last year, my rAH was going to gas stations and spending between 30-60 each day. some days he actually bought gas, but most days he bought vodka and gatorade. So, he was spending 100-540 a week.

AnvilheadII

sounds like crack cocaine to me....the amount of money and the unsavory neighborhoods. said as a former crack cocaine addict. we were easily doing 80-100 every other day.....

however, does it REALLY matter? the FACT is he is blowing thru TWO GRAND A MONTH!!! not sure of your financial sitch, but that is a LOT of money. i'd be doing all I could to cut off his access. that's the sensible thing to do. fiscally prudent.

tracking him down, what does that really DO for you? he's gonna take you down unless you take action NOW.

Mountainmanbob

excellent advice

Katchie

I should clear up that the neighborhood I saw him in was not shady. It is a nicer neighborhood than we live in. I was thinking more along the lines of another female. But, like you said, it doesn't really matter. It is a lot of money and no wonder certain bills have been suffering not being paid. I wish I could cut off his access. He is the only bread winner.